Saturday, September 20, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 15

When I started watching this episode I was still coming out of my MEGA GIF RECAP induced coma of yesterday and feeling a little woozy. I must have slept through all the boring stuff (OK, the REALLY boring stuff) at the beginning because the first thing I heard was Louise saying "it's really hard and weird".

"I prefer to think of it as 'unique', thanks."

Osher's just turned up to collect his paycheque but the producers tell him he can have some activated almonds if he goes into the loungeroom and actually does his job, so he saunters in and chucks a date card at Zoe's head.

"One of you is about to get a very special visit from a very special person very soon," he says.

"BUT SANTA'S ON HOLIDAYS UNTIL DECEMBER!?"

"I DEFINITELY NEED THAT SINGLE DATE I HOPE MY NAME IS ON THAT CARD," says Laurina.

"I HOPE MY NAME IS ON THAT DATE CARD I WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH BLAKE," says Zoe, rubbing her head.

"AW JEEZ THERE'S ONLY LOIKE SIX OF US SHEILAS LEFT OI HARPE MOY NAME IS ON THAT CARD," says the plumber fixing the spare toilet. Oh no wait, that was Lisa.

"I couldn't give a flying shit about any of you," says Osher, walking out of the room whistling.

As it turns out Sam gets the date, which has the cryptic clue "May the fairytale continue". 

Oh yay, a fairy tale!

I hope it's this one



Or this one!

But there's no time to wonder about that now - a little fairy has come to deliver Sam a special gift! 

Sadly she's accidentally turned up at the meth house next door and has been greeted by a junkie squatter...

"YO FAIRY DUDE, HAVE YOU GOT THE STUFF?"

After opening the fairy's present and finding nothing inside but an oversized Barbie ballgown, the junkie chucks it over the fence, hitting Sam in the head. Believing it to be a divine gift from the gods, she immediately puts it on and gains the superhuman ability to find Blake interesting.

It is truly a modern day fairy tale.

"Haw haw haw," says Blake as he sees Sam traipsing down the driveway.

Luckily she's got her superhuman dress on so she finds it endearing.

After some mutual haw haw haw-ing, Sam and Blake go boonta!

Oh no wait, they go TO BUNDA.

This means something else in South Australia.

Bunda is apparently a jewellery store that lets people wander in and borrow diamond necklaces and stuff when they're going on dates. I guess you probably have to fill out a form first, and get a membership card or something, I dunno - they edited that bit out. Make sure you ask if you go there, though.

"Sam was overwhelmed, I don't think she'd ever been in that scenario before," smugs Blake.

OH YOU MEAN SHE'S NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO WANDER INTO A SHOP AND BORROW THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF JEWELLERY  BEFORE? WHAT A FREAK.

Sam bursts into tears, probably because they keep thrusting hideous opals and pearls at her.

"It was raw, it was natural and it was open," says Blake.

He's not talking about Sam's display of emotion, he's just seen the lunch buffet.

Back at the Shag Mansion Zoe is reading out the latest group date card, which has just been ditched at her head by a producer who's all like "What? Osher did it!"

"Get ready for a taste of the exotic," she reads.

"OY DARNT LOIKE SPOICES," growls the plumber, who has moved on to the kitchen to fix the insinkerator. Oh no wait... that was Lisa.

"Maybe it's teppanyaki," says Jess, because of course Jess would think teppanyaki is exotic.

"IF SOMEONE GETS A ROSE ON THIS DATE AND SAM COMES HOME WITH A ROSE THEN THAT LEAVES... TWO OR... THREE... LEFT TO GIVE OUT," says Lisa, struggling to subtract two from six.

Meanwhile back in fairy tale land, Sydney's most disillusioned pianist is playing a sonata in the middle of a fire hazard just for Blake and Sam.

"I spent six years at the Con for this shit. Mum was right."

The producers have set up a table full of lollies and cake pops, which are quickly turning into liquid thanks to the searing heat from the 75,000 blazing candles.

So, who's turning five here?

In keeping with the fairy tale theme, I hope this means a nasty old hag will burst out and stuff them both in an oven as soon as they start eating - but then I remember Laurina is back at home. Darn.

Because things aren't awkward enough, Blake asks Sam to dance, upon which she promptly drops a packet of mints down her bra.

At least, I THINK she's talking about mints.

They give up on the dancing and sit down to ignore the dessert tray some more.

Blake says he's falling for her.

Sam says she wants someone "strong and supportive". Or maybe after dropping her mints down her bra she says she wants SOMETHING strong and supportive.

Blake says he wants Sam to continue "opening up" and I WISH EVERYONE WOULD STOP USING THIS REVOLTING PHRASE UGHH.

Then they pash, and I vomit.

And yes, if you didn't realise - this is Blake.

"Now you can eat this box or you can open it," Blake tells Sam, which is coincidentally what that girl said to that other girl on the RedTube video he watched last night at the Bachelor Pad.

Actually it turns out he's talking about a box made of chocolate, which Sam opens to reveal a cheap silver-plated necklace he bought at Paddy's Markets. Lucky she didn't eat it.

"This necklace will always remind me of how special I felt in that moment," Sam says, as everyone around Australia finishes her sentence with "and also of my total and utter heartbreak when Blake eventually snubbed me in the final episode".

Then, because the 130 million candles have sucked all the oxygen out of the room, Sam is forced to give Blake mouth to mouth to prevent him from suffocating:

Giving a new meaning to the term "air kiss".

Meanwhile, the rest of the women have put on the entirety of Myer's new "Arabian Nights" women's casualwear range for a Middle Eastern themed group date at what appears to be a rejected Cirque du Soleil set, with fire twirlers and belly dancers and piles of those honey flavoured pastries that no one likes.

Clearly the producers have decided the "harem" aspect of this show isn't overt enough.

A model demonstrates the latest in Arabian hair fashions.

Osher is there to greet them in the customary fashion (by wiggling his hairpiece at them), as is Blake who has obviously buggered off and left Sam alone with the depressed pianist and the melting macarons.

"The minute I see Blake it's like the sun rise," gasps Jess.

Beautiful but really slow and you need a cup of coffee just to get through it.

"Ladies, you're about to experience your very own Arabian knight," announces Osher.

AW YEAHHHH!

Sadly it turns out he was saying "night", so everyone's excitement is unwarranted.

Disappointed, Jess vows to make the best of a bad situation and crack onto Blake instead. 

Laurina thinks this is a great idea.

I think she's saying "Go for it Jess!"

They go inside and pretend to enjoy some honey nut pastries and tea before some belly dancers turn up and lead everyone in a round of The Whitest Dancing Ever (honestly, it's not even worth a GIF).

Blake is so impressed by Louise's white girl dancing he takes her outside for a talk about... God, I dunno, I didn't actually listen. Probably "opening up" and "growing" and honey pastries or some shit.

Then they all move into another room where they're presented with another platter of honey pastries they can pretend to enjoy, and a big plate of feta. Zoe is so overwhelmed with the glamour of it all she bursts into a spontaneous lecture about middle eastern culture.

"I feel like this is like the movie Aladdin!" she exclaims.


OMG IT'S TOTES LIKE THAT!

This starts a conversation about everyone's favourite romantic movies.

"I think The Notebook," says Blake.

THIS.

Somehow nobody vomits sarcastically all over the table which is, frankly, a miracle, and Jess starts wanking on about how she loves movies where two people have sparks or are electrically joined or something, I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention.

I like movies where people are electrically joined as well.

"OY DUNNO ABOUT THESE GIRLS BUT OY LOIKE ACTION FILMS," barks Lisa, who is basically the only girl on this show I could be bothered having a beer with.

Blake takes Jess off for some more slow blinking, and Lisa feels disappointed. Girl seriously, you are dodging a bullet. The guy likes The Notebook. The fucking NOTEBOOK. Be happy.

"I feel like I could have a future with you... a life... that I could be... happy," says Jess, struggling against the Stilnox.

She shouldn't have double dropped.

Inside, the other girls are musing over what the two could be talking about.

"Beige things. Beige, vanilla things," declares Laurina, who is immediately my favourite again. Sorry Lisa.

"They talk a lot about literature, and television shows," she continues, and for some reason no one laughs, even though this is the funniest thing anyone has said on this show since that drunk girl called Blake Barry Manilow in episode one. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

Meanwhile, outside Jess and Blake are slowly lapsing into a coma.

"My hhhhhhearrrrt feels that you light up a rooooom when you walk innnnn it," coos Jess outside, furrowing her brow and widening her eyes at the same time (which is no easy feat, it has to be said).

"It's exccciiiiiting being AROOOOOUUUUND you," she sighs.

"My hhhheearrrt races fasssster when you hollllld my haaaaaand," she oozes.

Blake reacts in the usual way: by blinking slowly.

These two are a riot, I think you'll agree.

"We have an incredible chemistry, but the relationships I have with the other girls are developing much further than the one I have with Jess," Blake says.

Wow, so you mean actually talking about stuff instead is a better way to get to know someone than just staring at them and trying to absorb their brain by osmosis? Good to know.

Next on the slab is Laurina, who starts telling Blake how she wants more intimacy but stops when he dares to scratch his eye.

RAAAAAAAAGE!

"I'm a big believer in body language and he TOUCHED HIS EYE," she says

"It's pretty poignant in an intimate conversation to turn around and rub your eye."

This is why peace in the middle east has been so elusive.

Now look, I know I'm a Laurina fan and potentially biased, but I have to say: I sort of agree with her here.

I mean, she was trying to talk to Blake about their relationship and he casually scratched his eye like he was totally bored, as if she was telling him they were out of Omo.

He might as well have just cracked out a massive yawn, farted and gone "Yeah yeah love, no worries, get me another coldie would ya?"

What I'm trying to say is:

I love you, Laurina.

The rest of the harem festival must have been dead boring because we move straight on to the cocktail party, where all of the idiots who aren't Laurina are madly discussing how badass Laurina is.

"How's the guy supposed to gauge where she's at and develop a relationship when she's so hot and cold? I don't think it's fair on him," gasps a scandalised Sam.

LAURINA CARES NOT FOR FAIRNESS.

"I think she's not used to this - on the outside if she were to date a guy she'd be getting what she wants straight away," says Lisa.

YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT SHE WOULD BE.

"She's used to taking what she wants right there and then, so I don't think she grasps that it's a waiting game," sighs Louise.

LAURINA WAITS FOR NO ONE, MOTHERF***ER.

Blake takes Laurina away into another room to scratch his other eye for a bit.

"I'm still trying to gauge what you'll be like outside of this environment, and I'm not sure which Laurina I'm going to get," Blake says.

Laurina stares at him for a minute, then remembers she has a packet of mints in her handbag that would provide more interesting conversation, and leaves.

"Yeah, nah."

So basically for the second time this episode, Blake has been upstaged by a packet of Tic Tacs.

"Laurina stopped talking to me in order to get A MINT," says Blake, annoyed.

YEAH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE INTERRUPTING A CONVERSATION TO CASUALLY SCRATCH YOUR EYE, HEY.

Having located her spearmints Laurina returns to the conversation to pay Blake her full and undivided attention.

"On the upside, this mint is DELIGHTFUL!"

"In a relationship can you give as much as you take?" asks Blake, which he obviously thinks is some really profound emotional question but is so meaningless he might as well have just said "banana contact lens Mazda 3?"

In order to stave off narcolepsy Laurina starts talking about real estate in her home suburb, because even talking about Melbourne property values is apparently more interesting than a conversation with Blake.

"Haw haw haw," says Blake, and we quickly move on to the rose ceremony before everyone dies of boredom.

"Ladies, there are five of you without roses, but Blake has only four roses to give," announces the pile of hair in the corner the producers have arranged as Osher's stand-in.

Zoe furrows her brow and starts counting on her fingers, while Laurina quickly whips out her notepad and starts doing long division. Jess fumbles for her phone to get out her calculator app but can't see properly through her slow blinks. Suddenly, after about 20 minutes, Zoe yells "ONE PERSON IS GOING HOME!". Laurina puts her pad away, disgruntled.

ROSE TIME.

Zoe gets a rose for being the one most likely to make people say "her?".

Louise gets a rose for making it through to episode 15 without anyone noticing.

Jess gets a rose for being the only person less interesting than Blake.

And then it's down to two: Lisa Doolittle the brickie's labourer and Laurina the Dirty Street Pie enthusiast.

"Lisa," says Blake, handing the rose to the woman least likely to murder him in his sleep.

"Hey-ho," says Laurina as she pops another mint and casually strolls out the door to where her spaceship is waiting.

And as her robot henchmen slowly retract the airbridge and enter the take-off sequence into the ship's computer, Laurina gives one final message to Blake:

THEY SEE ME ROLLIN', THEY HATIN'.

Now go on and READ EPISODE 16, which will no doubt be completely boring because Laurina's not in it.

Or you can always go back in time and READ THE MEGA GIF RECAP OF EPISODES 12-14 again



3 comments :

  1. Thanks, Love the re-caps. This show is a bit like Chinese Water torture for me....don't know if I can take it much longer...stuck it out this far tho.... My monies on Louise.....She seems to be the only one capable of having anything that resembles a "normal conversation" Note; It only "resembles" a normal conversation. She's trying to have it with the Blake-A-Tron 1000.. so she's behind from the start.

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  2. Putting it out there......Lisa to go tonight... Followed by Jess... tuff call between Sam and Louise. My monies on Louise. Wildcard is the "Meet the family".

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