Throw on all the sequins you can find, whack on your limited edition Osher Gunsberg commemorative wig and double drop your No Doz now because we're all about to endure the most special Bachelor episode of the year - it's the "THE BACHELORETTES TELL ALL" REUNION EPISODE.
Otherwise known as the "get drunk to Petstarr's drinking game for watching a a bunch of boring flashback clips while a bunch of women you've totally forgotten about act awkward in gowns that are way too short for them to sit down comfortably in" episode.
Yes, there will be a drinking game.
I'm all ready to go: I've got a tray of freshly heated mini dirty street pies and a ute full of lambrusco parked in the driveway with a hose attached that goes straight to one of these:
I've also got a keg full of Luscious Louise, and the servo's on speed dial. Emergency room, here we come.
So without further stuffing about, here are the official Bland Canyon Bachelor Australia Bachelorettes Tell All Reunion Episode Drinking Game Rules. Drink if...
- Osher Gunsberg actually shows up.
- Someone wears a dress so short/tight/ridiculous they can't sit properly/can't stand properly/have to keep shifting in their chair to avoid showing their undies.
- Anyone says the word "journey".
- There's a flashback clip that reveals nothing new whatsoever.
- Someone cries.
- AWKWARD SILENCE.
OK let's meet our host for the evening... and shit, he turned up! DRINK!
So Osher's hosting, eh? This should be good, considering he was barely on the show.
"Tonight we're going to relive some of the incredible moments from the journey (DRINK) so far and discover what was really going on behind the scenes," says Osher.
A fair bit of this, I reckon:
Osher introduces us all to the women who used to be on this show and none of them have aged at all, which is amazing when you consider the series has been on air for what feels like about 17 years.
"Stacey Louise! Amanda! Bridget Rose!" says Osher triumphantly, while everyone in the studio audience does this:
Lauren? Sharna? Who the fuck is Sharna? Who are these women?
Clearly the three people in the audience don't know either, as they start giving a lame little "woo!" after everyone's name in an effort to make it slightly less awkward for everyone. Which, of course, makes it 10 times more awkward for everyone.
With all the "woo"-ing and the unenthusiastic clapping, it sounds a lot like an accordion being repeatedly run over by a lawn mower.
"Now, none of our bachelorettes have seen ANY of the show so far," declares Osher.
Those lucky bitches.
Sadly that's about to be ruined for them all as mechanical restraints suddenly shoot out of their chairs, instantly strapping them down, and producers troop on with headgear and eye drops.
Speaking of Anita, she and Diana (Like The Princess) are both invited up onto the Copperart silver couch of doom first, because it's always best to kick off a show like this with the most delusional ones.
"When you arrived, you sang a beautiful song for Blake," says Osher, who's only going by what's on the autocue because he doesn't remember a thing from episode one after he got his pay cheque.
"I'm just putting it out there - I'm not a singer," laughs Anita.
"I never had sung face to face to a guy in my whole entire life I just thought this is something I can do I'm just gonna put myself out there and just do something different HA HA HA," says Anita.
So fascinating is this tale, it is commemorated with several seconds of pure silence at the end.
Osher tries smiling, but it's the facial equivalent of this:
I grab a mini dirty street pie to soak up some of the booze as Osher tries to get the laugh track back by talking to Diana. Good tactic.
"So Diana - or should I call you PRINCESS Diana?" he chortles.
"Diana - you placed a crown on Blake's head. Do you only date royalty?" asks Osher.
OK, time out.
Diana is a nutcase who thinks she's a Disney cartoon and genuinely believes people won't understand her name unless she follows it with the words "like the princess", and THIS is the best question you can come up with for her?
"Diana - do you think you're really, really creepy?"
"Diana - are you actually a My Little Pony commercial come to life?"
"Diana - do you realise Princess Di died in a hideous car crash, and cheerily referencing her as your namesake every 10 minutes occasionally comes across as a tad inappropriate?"
As it is, Diana only has one answer for Osher's stupid question:
What follows is the most laboured piece of attempted comedic dialogue I fell asleep three times just typing it out.
Osher: If Walt Disney had written the fairy tale ending for this story, how do you think it should have ended?MORE USELESS FLASHBACKERY (DRINK) (Thank god, I was starting to get thirsty). This one goes for about 10 minutes, which is great because despite it being a repeat of footage we've all seen before, it's clearly far more entertaining than anything that's going to happen on this episode.
Diana: Well I actually think when I met him he should have been like "you're the one", and then that was the end of the show.
*A tumbleweed rolls past*
Osher: But... it would have ended on the first night.
Diana: I know.
*Another tumbleweed rolls past.*
Diana: But that's good.
*Both tumbleweeds start rolling around the studio floor.*
Diana: For me.
*A third tumbleweed rolls into shot, starts singing "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson while the first two tumbleweeds dance.*
Osher: Not for everybody else.
*Everyone bursts into flames.*
Osher asks Amber if she wants to say anything to Laurina. I guess this has something to do with the flashback that just happened - I don't know, I was too busy unblocking my lambrusco hose. Or maybe he's just finally given up on this hosting gig and is getting everyone to run the show themselves. (Please let it be that).
Amber says something which I think is meant to be an apology, but all that comes out is "MAPLE SYRUP BACON ICE HOCKEY DEET".
Sensing any attempt to get Amber to host the rest of the show will just result in complaints to Channel 10, Osher resumes control and introduces Mary, Rachel and Lauren, the new girls who rocked up in episode eight and disappeared without a trace soon after.
"How did it feel Mary, your first night?" asks Osher, which is a pretty personal question to ask on a national television show but there you go.
"I felt like I was being fed to the lion's den," says Mary.
Luckily Mary is a robot vampire so lions are no match for her.
All the old girls (OGs) gush about how traumatic it was for the new girls (NGs) to come in and mess with their game, yo, and all the NGs gasp about how devastating it was for the OGs to be so mean to them, and this goes on for way longer than it should.
"Speaking of which, there did seem to be some old versus new going on," says Osher, sharp as a tack as ever.
Moving on to some MORE FLASHBACKERY (DRINK!), which this time is about Amber (so better make that drink a double).
Of course, no video package of Amber would be complete without that heart rending footage of her totally spacking out over her horse allergy:
"Welcome back to The Amber Show starring... AMBER!" shouts Osher, expecting people to laugh.
The tumbleweeds start doing the Macarena.
Let's all drink to this awkward silence.
Amber heads to the silver couch of doom and begins reciting the speech she's practiced in the mirror every day since leaving the Shag Mansion.
"I am a very passionate person but when I'm mad - ooh, look out! When I'm sad? Tears are a-flowin'! When I'm happy - love to laugh! Love the LOLs!" she says.
Yes, she really did just say "a-flowin'" and "love the LOLs".
"I just can't hold back, it's like this little volcanic eruption inside of me - it's like, building, building, building, building EXPLOSION LAVA EVERYWHERE!" says Amber.
"AMBER ALERTS, AMBER ALERTS, AMBER ALERTS, IT'S ALL GOING NUTS!" she shrieks, in a misguided attempt to make the now comatose crowd laugh.
They do not laugh.
Whatever you've got left, drink it now. Things will get worse before they get better.
"How did you feel when Blake told you the JOURNEY was over," says Osher.
"Honestly, like, my JOURNEY was over," says Amber.
Actually, before you do your vodka eye shot and potentially blind yourself (which, frankly, would be a good way to avoid having to watch the rest of this deadly dull episode), can we all take a moment to more closely inspect whatever is going on on Amber's shoulder?
Is it a bruise from one of her infamous catfights? Is it the remnants of the ill-advised "BLAKE 4 EVA" tattoo she got after she was booted from the show? Did she erupt on herself too hard? We may never know.
Then Osher asks her "Are you still excited about Australian men?" in the weirdest accent possible, as though his body has just been taken over by the ghost of an 18th century London peasant with lockjaw.
But I can't be bothered making a YouTube, so you'll just have to imagine it.
Next up on the Copperart couch is Laurina, which means it's FLASHBACK TIME! So take a drink, but this time kick back and enjoy it, because a flashback package of Laurina is absolutely the most entertaining thing that will be on this show all night.
"Are you here for love?" asks Osher.
"Of course I'm here for love. I'm 31 years old!" says Laurina.
Then Laurina reminds us all of her starring role as Jesus in "The Passion of the Christ II: Red Bull Extreme Religion Edition", when she went sky diving and got "whipped in the face" by rain
"It was like laser hair removal with no numbing cream!" she says, proving why she is such a relatable character. I mean, who HASN'T had that experience?
"It was so incredibly painful it was like being whipped in the face just pure pain and I actually went into shock I couldn't breathe for a second and then I started feeling a bit traumatised, massively!"
For some reason this impassioned speech makes the other women on the stage do some incredibly weird shit, notably Rachel who does this:
Seriously, does anyone know what's going on here?
Finally we get to the only topic anyone is interested in hearing about - THE DIRTY STREET PIE DATE.
"There was this massive drum roll before the date of 'what do you think it's going to be? How glamorous do think it's going to be?'," Laurina says.
"So when we got to the bowling alley I thought 'why aren't I in jeans?', I've got no underwear on with this dress! It was just completely awkward."
As much as I am #TeamLaurina I have to say: GIRL. GET A CLUE. If a reality TV producer keeps egging you on about how glamorous something is going to be, you can bet your arse it'll be set at the local tip.
"If you think it was a test, do you think you passed?" asks Osher.
BLAKE DUMPED HER OSHER, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
"How was your pie?" snarks one of the piles of sequins in the studio.
"It wasn't that I can't enjoy a pie! If I'm crazy famished I'll get one from the servo and... I'll eat it in the car and... I'll... get the... pastry all over me! Laurina shrieks, while quickly Googling "what happens when you eat a pie in the car".
"I CAN EAT A PIE!" she concludes triumphantly.
Osher says "journey" again (drink), then there's some flashbackery (drink) to Chantal and Blake pashing which is the perfect lead-in for Osher to interrogate Zoe and try to make her cry.
"It's still very difficult to talk about," she says.
"Cool, cool, yeah," says Osher, while flipping through his phone to put a fresh bid on a 20kg drum of vegan activated almonds on Ebay.
"Is it all still quite raw?"
We all assume he's talking about Zoe's emotional state but actually he's still looking at the almonds.
"It is still raw, yes," she says.
"So do you think you were developing some strong feelings for him?" Osher asks, clicking the "BUY NOW" button.
"I adore Blake, I think the world of him, and he was an integral part of my JOURNEY to love, but my JOURNEY is not over," says Zoe.
"Do you think there was anything else you possibly could have done?" asks Osher, who has never heard the words "beat", "dead" and "horse" in a sentence together.
"You know, like change your face or your hair? Or maybe he thought you were too fat? You could have lost weight? Were you not funny enough, perhaps? Maybe you were just boring? Have you thought about any of those things?"
"I don't think so, Osher," says Zoe through gritted teeth.
"It must be tough," Osher says.
"YES IT IS TOUGH," says Zoe, on the verge of tears. (Close enough, drink.)
"Oh well, chin up," says Osher and moves on to talk about the four girls who Blake does still want to sleep with.
"Let's take a closer look at all four women - Louise, Jess, Lisa and Sam," he says.
I'd rather not, but there's 20 minutes left in this thing (really) and I've still got half a ute full of lambrusco (seriously, why aren't more people saying "journey"?) so we might as well plough on with a tribute to Louise. Which means more flashbackery (drink) and weak applause.
"Now, is is true you have a nickname for Louise?" asks Osher, who is beginning to act and sound like he's been playing the Bland Canyon drinking game too.
"STEPFORD!" all the women say in unison, quite ironically.
"Why is that?" asks Osher, because obvious cultural references apparently need to be explained to the audience of this show.
Speaking of obvious: HELLO! We all know who the real robot was on this show, and she was booted out in episode one.
"Why do you think Blake is so attracted to... Louise?" asks Osher, momentarily forgetting her name, his own name, where he is and what he's doing with his life. Drink to the awkward silence.
"She's probably more typical wife material," says a beaded gown I've forgotten the name of.
"He can feel like a man with her," snarks Chantal, which is basically another way of saying "she's a pushover who can bake a caramel slice".
"She's the lady that you marry, not the lady that you date," says Zoe earnestly, as everyone makes sure to adjust their watches to 1953.
Christ, I'm feeling sober. Good thing there's some more flashbackery, this time to THE HUGE SCANDAL of the time Jess lied about kissing Blake. So drink.
"Hands up who thinks Jess was telling the truth - that she did NOT kiss Blake?" asks Osher, as everyone around Australia shouts "NO ONE CARES, IT'S NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE, THIS SHOW SUCKS, SAY 'JOURNEY' AGAIN.".
Osher shows them video evidence of Jess pashing Blake, everyone acts shocked, Chantal says "journey" (drink).
"Holly, how do you feel, seeing that?" Osher asks, somewhat randomly.
"Um, I couldn't give a shit because this was all filmed six months ago and I can't believe I even liked Blake in the first place," she says.
No, she doesn't really, but she might as well have. I mean, I can barely raise any enthusiasm for all of this and I've only been watching it for a few weeks.
Everyone looks awkward for a minute, and despite this being pretty much the theme of the entire evening the producers quickly bung on another flashback reel of Lisa to bridge the gap. Drink.
"It's pretty obvious Lisa was one of the most popular women in the house," says Osher, as everyone watching at home goes "who?".
Is he serious? I'm still not even convinced Lisa is ON this show. I didn't even notice her until episode three, and even then I thought maybe she was a producer who accidentally got caught in shot.
"Lisa and Blake have a connection we've all seen, they seriously can't keep their eyes off each other, he always seems happy and bubbly around her," says Zoe.
Am I the only one surprised by this? Lisa and Blake? They're really a thing? I mean, I know she's in the final four but everyone just assumes that's because there was no one else, right?
HAVE THEY BEEN EDITING OUT ALL THE BLAKE AND LISA CANOODLING ACTION TO SURPRISE US IN THE FINAL EPISODE?
Time for Sam's flashback package (drink), which Osher introduces by saying "she is the bachelorette who wears her heart on her sleeve". Which is funny, because I thought Sam was the one who always put walls up. Or who wasn't open. No wait, she has an open heart, but it's behind a wall. Or maybe a moat.
"Blake needs to be accepted by Sam's family and well received for her to really see him as her future," says Laurina sagely, as if that's totally different from anyone else, ever.
Osher asks everyone who Blake will choose. Everyone says some names. The word "journey" is probably said too; let's assume Osher said it 23 times, so just drink the rest of whatever bottle is in front of you right now.
I struggle to care about any of it, as I feel like I have been watching this episode for so long I may actually be dead and watching from the other side, where love no longer matters. I pray for sweet, merciful relief...
And then I must have passed out from too much lambrusco because when I woke up the program had finished and the test pattern was on.
Now go on and READ EPISODE 18 in which the final four's parents and relatives pretend to be happy for their daughters instead of admitting they feel ashamed and dead inside.
Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 16 again.