Sunday, September 07, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 11

"OK everyone, places please! Right, now when we say 'action', just start talking among yourselves in a totally natural way even though you're all sitting in a weird tableau. Make sure you deliver the lines we gave you like 'maybe it's another double date' and 'maybe Amber is going on a double date', and give us big smiles and lots of giggling, and make sure you show off your Country Road separates. OK got it? ACTION!"

Nailed it.


For the 500th time this season Amber reminds us that she hasn't yet gone on a single date with Blake...

Well there's Amber's Christmas present sorted.

...and Laurina shows off her maths and logic skills once again by deducing that Blake's next date will be with someone in the room.

"It'll either be a date with Amber, a repeat, or a new girl, let's be honest - it doesn't take a genius," she says.

No, it certainly doesn't.

Suddenly a large ball of old hair Chantal cleaned out of her hairbrush rolls into the room and gets stuck to the carpet.

"Ugh, I thought I threw that in the bin," she says, but before she can get up to sweep it out the door it holds up an envelope and starts talking.

"Blake has decided there will be no group date this week," says the hairball.

This is bigger news than the time that team won that ice hockey thingy.

Then the hairball reaches into his coat and pulls out something really special...

TOO HOT FOR TV.

No actually, despite the women's reactions it's not that exciting. It's just three date cards.

"Three single women, three single dates," he announces.

While Laurina gets out her calculator to make sure his figures add up, Chantal guesses the three dates will go to the three new girls, not Amber The One Who Hasn't Had A Date Yet.

Amber is so annoyed at this prediction she promptly launches into an impression of the Pie Face logo.

She's just as flaky, too.

As it turns out, the first date goes to Sam.

Come on Amber, you must be getting used to this by now.

The second date goes to not Amber Lauren.

At least she's getting better at her "disappointed" face.

And the third date goes to... you guessed it. Not Amber Laurina!

Never mind Amber, with all that spare time you can concentrate on your Pie Face gig.

First up is Sam, who drives her shiny red advertisement to yet another airfield to meet Blake, who greets her in the customary way: by guffawing "HUH HUH HUH HUH!"

Then he stuffs her into a helicopter, and we get a nice shot of the dials just in case you don't believe it's real.

Yep. That's definitely some dials.

They take off and it's all super romantic, especially with the sweeping views of... can you guess?

Thank god they showed this, I almost forgot where this show was set.

After three minutes of footage of Sydney Harbour which was possibly taken from a previous episode (I mean, who would know?) they land in an open field where someone has carelessly dumped some old unwanted furniture.

So rude. Couldn't they have waited for hard rubbish day?

Actually it turns out to be a casual picnic for which they will have to sit on a rug on the ground, which is great because Sam is wearing a mini cocktail dress and heels and Blake is wearing a dinner suit. So that'll be comfy.

Because he is contractually obliged to hand-feed each woman on every date, Blake picks up a strawberry and shoves it toward's Sam's face.

"Do I take a bite or do I have to eat it all at once?" Sam asks, and they both fake laugh for about 10 minutes as if it's the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

Of course if I'd said it, it would have been.

Then Sam tries to feed Blake a finger sandwich but he's all like "No way, I've got a dinner date with Lauren tonight, I don't want to be bloated."

Blake tells Sam he gets the feeling she's holding back emotionally.

I guess he was tipped off by the way she squeals and runs towards him with her arms wide open every time she sees him, and says things like "I COULD ABSOLUTELY HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH BLAKE!"

"You're very cool and smooth and sexy," Sam tells him.

"GOD, WHY IS SHE HOLDING BACK SO MUCH?"

Meanwhile back at the house, Laurina is explaining why Sam isn't right for Blake.

"Sammy is completely adorable, but she's all girl," she says.

Unlike Laurina, who is only half girl.

Clearly Blake isn't bothered by the size of Sam's girl percentage, as he garbles "I want you to know you're very much in this" and hands her a rose.

Then they pash in super close-up for at least 10 minutes, so I have to run to the bathroom to vomit and miss whatever happens next. Let's just assume it was a soft focus shot of a wooden swing in dappled sunlight.

Also this.

Blake takes Sam back to the mansion, she runs up the stairs and passes the baton to Lauren who runs to the car, grabbing a water from the drink station on the way.

Blake's got a Ferrari to drive her to their dinner date, which is located just around the corner because the producers could only afford to hire the car for half an hour (well, it IS Channel 10).

"I've set up a little slice of Italy for our date tonight," Blake smugs to the camera.

"Slice of Italy" = red and white checked tablecloth from Cunno's.

They sit down and pour some red wine, and Blake proposes a toast "to Italian experiences".

"Wait until she sees the French experience I have planned for later."

Then an "Italian chef" the producers hired from central casting comes out with two huge bowls of spaghetti and Lauren is extra excited because it's the closest she's come to carbohydrate in six years.

"I can't believe I'm wasting calories on this guy."

Then Blake asks her why she's never had a long term relationship before and she fucks it up in the most spectacular way, vomiting a bunch of words that amount to her admitting she doesn't want to be tied down with one person for the rest of her life.

I hope he asks her about kids next.

This, of course, is the wrong answer in Blakeworld, where everyone happily discusses marriage, children and honeymoon plans before the main course is served.

"It's nice to be able to discuss those things straight away because I think otherwise you put them off a little bit," Lauren lies.

"You know, like until dessert."

Luckily she saves herself by telling him she's a "big believer in marriage", which pleases Blake so much he gives her a rose (has anyone told him he doesn't have to do that every time?).

Lauren says she's really happy, and Blake says... something. I don't know what exactly, because every time he talks it sounds like this:

Actually, this guy is slightly more articulate.
(Can't see this? Click here.)

Anyway who cares about Lauren any more, it's time for Laurina's date, for which she's dressed in a glamorous cocktail dress and Sergio Rossi heels. We know this because she points it out specifically, several times.

"I hope that we're going to be doing something really, really fine," she says.

I think we all know where this is going.

Yep.

"I picked Laurina for this date because I know we can do the extravagant cocktail parties, but can she throw caution to the wind and just enjoy a more simplistic date?" says Blake.

Translation: we spent all of this episode's budget on the chopper.

Also, in answer to Blake's question: no. No she can't.

"I DON'T ENJOY BOWLING. I CAN'T GO BOWLING IN THIS DRESS. THAT'S NOT REALLY ACCEPTABLE," whinges Laurina.

"THIS IS A MASSIVE, MASSIVE STYLING ISSUE," she continues, before yelling "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SERGIO ROSSI BOWLING SHOES FOR GOD'S SAKE?"

Laurina is so upset at the prospect of having to wear non-designer shoes that her circuitboard overheats and she begins speaking in Twitter, shrieking "HASHTAG: CLOWN SHOES WITH A COCKTAIL DRESS! HASHTAG: AWKWARD!"

"I am totally unfollowing him."

"I don't think I've seen a more unimpressed look in my life," says Blake, proving he has never seen my face between 7.30 and 8.30pm on Wednesday and Thursday nights.

They keep bowling and Laurina makes a bet that if she wins, she gets a romantic, expensive dinner with Blake. Blake agrees. Laurina wins. The producers turn out their pockets to show how many fucks they have to give about their bet, and we roll on to dinner...

...at a pie cart.

"This is one of the most iconic locations in all of Sydney!" declares Blake.

"....do they just serve pies?" asks Laurina.

Nah, they have hot roast beef rolls too.

After spending half the night in bowling shoes, the prospect of ordering dinner from a pie warmer is altogether too much for Laurina, who barely keeps it together enough to ask the server girl what's on the menu.

"Our specialty is the 'Tiger pie' which comes with mash potato, peas and gravy on top," says the girl.

"I don't think you understand me. I asked what food you have."

Laurina eventually orders a hot dog, which is probably the first time in history those words have ever been used together in a sentence, and Blake asks her what she'd like to drink.

Sensing Moet might not be available, Laurina asks for a soy cappuccino, and Blake reacts as though she's just asked for a glass of unicorn tears.

"SOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE."

"So is this what you were expecting?" Blake asks her.

"Noooo... this wasn't what I was expecting," Laurina trills gaily, convincing no one.

"EVERYONE ELSE GETS FERRARIS AND SUPER YACHTS AND PRIVATE JETS AND I GET A DIRTY STREET PIE," she hisses later on, out of earshot.

One silver lining: her pie impression is starting to rival Amber's.

Eventually she can't contain her disappointment any further and bursts into tears at the indignity of it all (or perhaps it's indigestion from the hot dog), so Blake gives in and takes her to a park bench the producers have dressed up with fairly lights and lanterns they just rushed in from late night shopping at Bunnings.

Fortunately Laurina's expectations of this date are now so low, she is overjoyed at how glamorous it is.

"Now I'm going to give Laurina the one thing I know she'd really want," announces Blake.

Obviously.

But no, actually it's her pet chihuahua Bambi, which Blake is pretending he arranged to have flown in from Melbourne but in reality didn't even know about until 10 minutes ago when a producer told him.

So just to recap: Laurina gets a dog instead of a rose.

Somewhere, Anita sheds a single tear.

Back at the mansion everyone's super excited to welcome Laurina home.

"Dude, I think there's something wrong with your rose, it keeps licking me."

Everyone except for Amber the Canadian, who immediately strides out of the room, chucking a strop about how she's the only dog who hasn't had a date. Or something like that - I couldn't really make out what she was saying, because it just sounded like "DEET DEET MAPLE SYRUP BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE!"

"EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU HAS HAD A DEET. AND I'M STILL WEETING. AND I DOHNT KNOHW HOW MUCH LOHNGER I HAVE TO WEET!" she wails.

"BLEEK! WHY MUST YOU MEEK ME WEET?"

"If you've made it this far without even needing a date, that's kind of not a bad place to be," says Jess. Sweet, naive Jess, who doesn't understand the mechanics of reality TV show casting and the concept of "car crash television".

Blake reads the card handed to him by a producer that says "CONTINUE TO IGNORE AMBER" so invites Laurina outside for a chat, leaving the other girls to practice their upcoming audition for Channel 10's new fashion panel show "Frocking Around".

"You're right, standing in a line like this is a totally normal way to have a conversation."

Blake and Laurina talk about how shit their date was, Laurina pretends she had a great time anyway, Blake wusses out on telling her what he really thinks, and they both head back inside where he asks Jess to come outside for a talk.

"By the way - does anyone know who this girl is? She keeps hanging around."

"ARE YOU KEEDEEN MEE?" Amber wails, running to the kitchen and drinking a whole litre of maple syrup.

She's just about to start on a packet of Conroy's when Blake shows up and asks her to go for a walk with him, because they are apparently 13 years old and that's how it's done.

"This has been the first chance I've had to have a chat with you," says Blake, conveniently ignoring the three dates he could have invited Amber on earlier in the episode, when he could have chatted with her for literally hours.

"I'm looking for that spark, that spark that leads off to love, and I've kept searching for that with us," he says.

Go on...

"...and I think you are an incredible woman..."

Wait. I know this speech.

"...I think you're funny and intelligent..."

Oh just get on with it.

"And I've looked to see if that connection's there but I'm sorry, I don't think it is," he concludes.

WHAAAAAT.

"I feel as though I haven't been given a chance - you know only the slightest portion of me," Amber argues.

"And I don't like it."

Blake murbles something about wanting to be fair and not wanting to put her through another rose ceremony (yeah, I guess 11 without a single date is probably enough), and Amber hops in the limo in the chirpiest mood we've seen her all season. Maybe there was bacon inside.

Back inside the house, a replacement Ken Doll head rolls into the loungeroom and announces there will be no rose ceremony.

"That's right. You all got dressed up for nothing."

"Poor Amber," sighs Jess.

"I think it's best, this experience really took its toll on her," sympathises Zoe.

"Yeah, I'm off to bed," announces Laurina.

"DEUCES, BEEYATCHES."

Now brace yourselves, because the next instalment is a MEGA GIF RECAP OF EPISODES 12-14.

Or you can go back in time and READ EPISODE 10 again.



4 comments :

  1. These articles are AMAZING! It's such a great show to poke fun at.

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  2. Have you stopped doing these recaps? That would be a shame if you had; they are the funniest ones out there by far!

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    Replies
    1. I haven't... I'm just super behind!

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  3. Good to hear - your recaps are the best thing about the show by far!!

    ReplyDelete