Friday, September 05, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 17: Two Months On

We begin on the beach, where Burgo and John have decided to meet on what looks to be the coldest day of the year for a good old chinwag about where the last eight weeks of dating have gotten them. Namely: nowhere.

They're soon joined by Johnny, who appears to have just re-entered the earth's atmosphere on a skateboard.

Unedited footage.

It soon becomes obvious that Johnny's hyperspeed entrance is actually a result of him having traversed the space-time-continuum and re-entered the present direct from 1987, where he attended the Under the Sea dance and prevented his mum from dancing with the wrong guy and cancelling out his birth altogether.

"Don't laugh you guys, I got more dates in the 80s than I did in Melbourne."

They sit down to lunch (Burgo orders arancini balls, because he can't resist any form of innuendo) and they spot a girl sitting near them. Burgo dares John to go and talk to her.

"Don't take his money, he's unemployed now," snips Johnny.


But Burgo gets his own back by asking Johnny how Melbourne went.

And as we all know, it went a bit like this.

Meanwhile the girls have been much more sensible, choosing to meet over champagne at a beauty salon.

"Cheers to not being at the beach!"

They're all getting their hair done in fancy up-dos, which will certainly help keep it out of their faces when they're spewing up tequila shots later on in the night.

Courteney talks about her Melbourne hipster, and how it hasn't worked out.

Anna talks about Gumby, and how that hasn't worked out.

Her hair, on the other hand...

But it's not all failed dates and heartbreak - Anna has met someone else who seems fun.

"We're walking down this alleyway and these doors open and there's drag queens standing there - so on our first date we went and saw this crazy drag show," she gushes.

Yes, he seems fun.

Or gay.

I mean, what kind of weirdo likes drag queens?

Back at the coldest beach in Australia, Burgo is reminiscing about speed dating.

"I always thought that was for desperadoes, like 35-year-old people that have got kittens at home, but it's not like that," he says brightly.

"I beg your pardon?"

Meanwhile, everyone over the age of 35 watching this show (ie: 90 per cent of the ABC's audience) sheds a single tear for not being as cool as Burgo.

But they shouldn't because, as it turns out, Burgo was the lame desperado at speed dating - at least according to Astrid, the blonde girl of his dreams.

"Astrid did tell me afterwards 'all the girls there thought you were a wanker'," he says.

"Did you think you were being a wanker?" asks Johnny.

"Yeah, I was a bit, but I went into it thinking I wouldn't get anything out of it," says Burgo.

Because Burgo thought every woman at speed dating would look like this.

Little did he know that speed dating would lead him to Astrid, a startlingly lifelike fembot created by Bro Industries to be every man's fantasy.

"She drives a classic '63 MG, she goes skydiving, she studies criminal psychology, there's just so much TO her," Burgo gushes.

She's also a superhero black belt ninja who reads comic books and watches kung fu films and can eat as much pizza as she wants without getting fat. Oh, and she's hot.

Unfortunately she's also "very strong willed", "very opinionated" and "very smart", all of which is apparently a problem.

"She's just so complex," Burgo sighs.

Meanwhile, how's John going with everything?

"Fuck, I've got stiff nipples it's so fucking cold," he says.

Right. Good.

Over to the girls, who have taken their hairdos out for cocktails and are now earnestly discussing Sooz's new boyfriend.


"Oh I'm so happy for you (I'm so desperately aloooooone) good for you!"

"Being this chick that's like 'oh I met an amazing boy' is just so embarrassing for me," Sooz says.

"I can't believe the way that I feel and the way I'm acting is just so mortifyingly embarrassing. But it's nice."

Oh, I think we can get more embarrassing than that.
TIP: watch this to some dance music, it's sick.

But it seems not everyone is as enamoured of Sooz's new relationship as she is.

Back at the beach, Burgo is giving a frank and erudite assessment of the situation.

Unless he's just choking on those balls.

Unsurprisingly Burgo's impression of someone with gastro brings an abrupt end to lunch, so they all walk off to their cars.

But just before they say goodbye, John remembers his lines and announces they should all go on some "dating bootcamp" he's heard about that helps you meet women. In TV land, this is what's known as "some bullshit to set up the next episode".

"Wow, John is such a good actor. He'll probably get a Logie for this."

"Are you up for it?" Burgo asks Johnny.

Well, to be fair. Johnny is probably the worst of all of them at picking up women.

Rule number one for meeting women: stop dating men.

Now go on and READ EPISODE 18, when the lads go to dating bootcamp and learn "military tactics" for picking up chicks. Like blindfolding them and taking them prisoner, and threatening them with never seeing their family again. You now, quirky tips like that.

Or go back in time (like Johnny) and READ EPISODE 16 again.


  1. This is GOLD. I absolutely love reading this after each episode.