Richard is a former soldier with the British army who has served in Afghanistan, Iraq and Macedonia.
And just like he knows how to handle an assault rifle, Richard knows how to handle women.
Like this, close to the body but with the head pointed away from you so it doesn't go off.
You might not think that tactical defence strategies for fending off insurgents in the desert would have much to do with modern dating, but you'd be wrong. Like,what if you want to date an insurgent? In the desert? You go to Richard's Dating Boot Camp, that's what you do.
Richard is tall and buff and a bit scary.
He also. Speaks in very. Short sentences. So blokes. Can understand him.
"We're about to apply. Military psychology. To how to meet. Girls," he says.
"Lesson one: big balls are important, even metaphorical ones."
Having had zero luck with women so far using their natural looks and personality John and Burgo show up to get some mindblowing tips from Richard, including "treat women with respect" and "make her feel safe".
"So to make a woman feel safe would you just keep a good distance?" asks Burgo.
Yep, about here is good.
Richard explains his philosophy for meeting women is called "SILLY SALLY", which apparently is not the name of the easiest chick at the bar, but an acronym. For... well, christ knows.
"With 'silly sally' there's only actually five points, so the I and the A... silly... sally... if you...see..." he says.
Here's another acronym for you, Richard: NFI.
"What 'I' might make somebody want to talk to you for longer?" asks Richard, pointing to the acronym that no one understands.
Der, Richard. It's E that makes you talk, not I.
Apparently it stands for "interesting". As in "be more interesting". A revelation, I'm sure you'll agree.
Not only do men need to be interesting to pick up women, Richard says, but they should try to be so in an "attractive" way.
"So like, John being a nude model would be interesting in an attractive way?" asks Burgo.
"Er... yeah," says Richard.
"Christ, Al Qaeda was easier than this."
Next Richard tells them they need to be "likeable", which is apparently different from being attractive and interesting.
His military training is really starting to show through here: as we all know, being likeable was a key part of the British army's defence strategy in Iraq.
Then Richard tells them the last "L" in the anagram stands for "leading". Which is good advice, because improper use of fonts is a real turn off.
Oh wait, he means like... being a leader. Well. Fonts are important too.
Anyway apparently doing all of these things will lead you to the "Y" in "silly sally" - which stands for "yes". So I assume that means she'll immediately jump into bed with you. (No wonder everyone calls her silly.)
"I think this guy knows what he's talking about," says Burgo, impressed.
"All I have to do is be interesting and attractive and women will fall to their knees!"
For their next task, Burgo and John will be heading out to a bar to test out their new found skills on the unsuspecting public. Richard tells them they should talk to "everyone".
"Don't care if they are a really old guy in a wheelchair, we're going to talk to them anyway," he says, which would seem to be the worst advice anyone has ever given anyone trying to meet single women.
"Um, Richard, aren't we supposed to be meeting wome..."
"SHUT UP AND TALK TO HIM, SOLDIER."
While John and Burgo hang off the bar looking awkward, their two opponents are getting attention from every single woman in the room by starting every conversation with "Excuse me, we are both French".
"Would you like to see my baguette?"
"They're French - we have a massive unfair advantage," says John.
I would have said John has the advantage for being fluent in English, but I'm not so sure now.
Noticing their lack of effort, Richard strides over to Burgo and orders him to do 40 push ups.
"I just can't be fucked," says Burgo.
"I'm either in a zone where I'm unstoppable, or I'm in a zone where I fucking hate every single person in my sight."
If those two zones cross over, this will happen.
While the two French backpackers are hoh-hoh-hohing and baguetting it up with all the single ladies in the place, John is busying himself chatting to some old blokes at the bar.
Still, he's doing better than Burgo whose best effort amounts to asking what may actually be a lesbian couple to tell him about wine.
But it's about to get worse.
"We're going to pick a girl at the bar, go over to them and say 'hi, I've written you a poem because I think you're pretty, and give it to her," Richard tells them.
Just like they used to to in Iraq.
So to recap, this guy's advice for picking up women is to be interesting, attractive and write them a poem on the back of a bar napkin. Was the reason he left the army anything to do with clinical insanity?
Nevertheless, Burgo pens a delightful poem for the two unimpressed possible lesbians who tried to get rid of him earlier, and they are thrilled.
More thrilled than the actual lesbians he attempts to chat up on next week's show, anyway.
Go on and READ EPISODE 19 for that slice of sexually ambiguous fun.
Or just go back and READ EPISODE 17 again.