Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 18: Dating Bootcamp Night 1

Meet Richard.

Richard is a former soldier with the British army who has served in Afghanistan, Iraq and Macedonia.

And just like he knows how to handle an assault rifle, Richard knows how to handle women.

Like this, close to the body but with the head pointed away from you so it doesn't go off.



You might not think that tactical defence strategies for fending off insurgents in the desert would have much to do with modern dating, but you'd be wrong. Like,what if you want to date an insurgent? In the desert? You go to Richard's Dating Boot Camp, that's what you do.

Richard is tall and buff and a bit scary.

He also. Speaks in very. Short sentences. So blokes. Can understand him.

"We're about to apply. Military psychology. To how to meet. Girls," he says.

"Lesson one: big balls are important, even metaphorical ones."

Having had zero luck with women so far using their natural looks and personality John and Burgo show up to get some mindblowing tips from Richard, including "treat women with respect" and "make her feel safe".

"So to make a woman feel safe would you just keep a good distance?" asks Burgo.

Yep, about here is good.

Richard explains his philosophy for meeting women is called "SILLY SALLY", which apparently is not the name of the easiest chick at the bar, but an acronym. For... well, christ knows.

"With 'silly sally' there's only actually five points, so the I and the A... silly... sally... if you...see..." he says.

Here's another acronym for you, Richard: NFI.

"What 'I' might make somebody want to talk to you for longer?" asks Richard, pointing to the acronym that no one understands.

Der, Richard. It's E that makes you talk, not I. 

Apparently it stands for "interesting". As in "be more interesting". A revelation, I'm sure you'll agree.

Not only do men need to be interesting to pick up women, Richard says, but they should try to be so in an "attractive" way.

"So like, John being a nude model would be interesting in an attractive way?" asks Burgo.

"Er... yeah," says Richard.

"Christ, Al Qaeda was easier than this."

Next Richard tells them they need to be "likeable", which is apparently different from being attractive and interesting.

His military training is really starting to show through here: as we all know, being likeable was a key part of the British army's defence strategy in Iraq.

Then Richard tells them the last "L" in the anagram stands for "leading". Which is good advice, because improper use of fonts is a real turn off.

Oh wait, he means like... being a leader. Well. Fonts are important too.

Anyway apparently doing all of these things will lead you to the "Y" in "silly sally" - which stands for "yes". So I assume that means she'll immediately jump into bed with you. (No wonder everyone calls her silly.)

"I think this guy knows what he's talking about," says Burgo, impressed.

"All I have to do is be interesting and attractive and women will fall to their knees!"

For their next task, Burgo and John will be heading out to a bar to test out their new found skills on the unsuspecting public. Richard tells them they should talk to "everyone".

"Don't care if they are a really old guy in a wheelchair, we're going to talk to them anyway," he says, which would seem to be the worst advice anyone has ever given anyone trying to meet single women.

"Um, Richard, aren't we supposed to be meeting wome..."
"SHUT UP AND TALK TO HIM, SOLDIER."

Joining them are the other two boot campers - a couple of French backpackers who win the entire challenge before they even get out of the taxi by virtue of their sexy accents.

While John and Burgo hang off the bar looking awkward, their two opponents are getting attention from every single woman in the room by starting every conversation with "Excuse me, we are both French".

"Would you like to see my baguette?"

"They're French - we have a massive unfair advantage," says John.

I would have said John has the advantage for being fluent in English, but I'm not so sure now.

Noticing their lack of effort, Richard strides over to Burgo and orders him to do 40 push ups.

"I just can't be fucked," says Burgo.

"I'm either in a zone where I'm unstoppable, or I'm in a zone where I fucking hate every single person in my sight."

If those two zones cross over, this will happen.

While the two French backpackers are hoh-hoh-hohing and baguetting it up with all the single ladies in the place, John is busying himself chatting to some old blokes at the bar.

Still, he's doing better than Burgo whose best effort amounts to asking what may actually be a lesbian couple to tell him about wine.

But it's about to get worse.

"We're going to pick a girl at the bar, go over to them and say 'hi, I've written you a poem because I think you're pretty, and give it to her," Richard tells them.

Just like they used to to in Iraq.

So to recap, this guy's advice for picking up women is to be interesting, attractive and write them a poem on the back of a bar napkin. Was the reason he left the army anything to do with clinical insanity?

Nevertheless, Burgo pens a delightful poem for the two unimpressed possible lesbians who tried to get rid of him earlier, and they are thrilled.

More thrilled than the actual lesbians he attempts to chat up on next week's show, anyway.

Whoops!

Go on and READ EPISODE 19 for that slice of sexually ambiguous fun.

Or just go back and READ EPISODE 17 again.



13 comments :

  1. I'm feeling the negative energy in this article.. I'd heaps prefer reading something pro feminist and inspiring than something aimed at making someone else look stupid

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  2. I thought the boysmade themselves look a bit silly on their own, actually. How wwould you suggest I make this recap more Pro feminist?

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  3. Anagram or acronym??

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    1. Oh god you're right. FOR SHAME. I blame lack of sleep.

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  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. That comment was highly defamatory, that's why I removed it.

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    2. Thanks. I have screenshots from the facebook group. It really is that nasty.

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    3. Then I would suggest, if you have evidence, that you report.

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  6. Have done. But nobody wants to listen. They take the evidence, say thankyou, and do nothing with it. Its a travesty.

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  7. We've got growing anti Islamic racism from hate groups wearing the garb of a political party and yet my thoughts on attracting women are somehow something worth warning the masses about?

    Dangerous? I'd like to think that I am professionally dangerous yes. A soldier who isn't must be pretty poorly trained. Thankfully I'm also law abiding and try to help rather than hurt other people....

    Unlike malicious little gossips the world over!

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    1. These kind of girls or women are the ones that won't give you a chance to seduce them if you were not good for it. They would not try to look inside of you.

      You teach to people, not tricks or cheats, but just to be the best of themselves and how to show it to others.

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    2. It is the worst, cheapest, most pathetic form of derailing to say that ISSUE ONE isn't *really* an issue because ISSUE TWO exists.

      "Hey! You just shot me in the face! That was awful of you!"

      "Yes, but how can you worry about one measly bullet when people are routinely being executed publicly in North Korea?"

      Like... we are allowed to be interested in, and concerned about, a variety of issues at a variety of levels of importance. And your daft methods of teaching men to in some way view dating as engaging in enemy combat is sort of... discouraging, at least. Though I don't claim to be an expert. And you come across as absurdly defensive and crotchety, coming onto this website to attack a humor blogger who dares point out that you're, well, kind of humorous.

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