Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 19: Dating Bootcamp Night 2

When we last saw our Daters they were hanging out at a bar with a former British soldier writing poems for random girls.

A foolproof strategy, I think you'll agree, for remaining single.

Anyway we're back there again for part two of Soldier Richard's "dating bootcamp", which teaches blokes how to use military tactics and strategies to bag chicks. No weaponry is involved. (Well, it hasn't been so far, but we can't rule out tanks making an appearance in this episode.)

"Today we're going to talk about the oooodeellooooo," says Soldier Richard, pointing at a whiteboard with squiggles on it.

I rewound this bit and watched it about seven times but still have no idea what he said, so I Googled the vague sounds he made and came up with this:

Well, being toilet trained is definitely a good start to impressing a girl.

Apparently it's some sort of military psychology thing (surprise) that pretty much amounts to: "chicks will judge you according to your appearance and behaviour".

Yes, this what years of training in the British army can teach you.

"It's great, he's taken us through the structure of how to meet or have a chat with a girl at a pub," enthuses Burgo.

Meanwhile, if Burgo just wore shoes every now and again he wouldn't need military training to get girls to talk to him.

Armed with the awesome power of the ooodelloooo strategy, we head back to the bar where one of the French backpackers offers to be John's wingman for the night.

"Lez fine a girrl for yoo, I will be yurr wingman - I dun need a girrl," drawls the backpacker.

"Sorry mate, what's that? You want a baguette?"

On the other side of the bar, Burgo and the other French backpacker are impressing all the ladies with their fine dance moves.

For the ultimate experience, play this in the background while watching this GIF. 

When it comes to getting a girl's phone number, Soldier Richard has advised the Daters not to ask (which sounds weak, apparently) but to command, saying "I LIKE YOU, GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER."

This is also a tactic used by the military, although usually without the "I like you" bit.

"Sometimes I just hand them my phone," admits Burgo, which possibly explains why he rarely gets girls' numbers, but frequently has to get a new phone.

Soon another reason becomes clear for why Burgo has trouble getting girls' numbers - he keeps trying to chat up lesbians.

"I started talking to a lovely young lady, who it turns out was this other lady's wife," he says.

I don't like to stereotype, but seriously. Mate.

John is having more luck in the beer garden, where he's somehow managed to get a girl's phone number by asking her about pumpkin soup.

Next week he'll try tomato.

Finally the night draws to a close, and Soldier Richard gathers the Daters together for some push ups and a protein shake, and an assessment of their pick up skills.

It seems all the lads have managed to get a girl's phone number - except for one.

"My phone died, so I didn't get any numbers," says Burgo, who has just arrived from another galaxy and has never heard of a pen.

"But how do you charge it?"

Now go on and READ EPISODE 20, in which Courteney surprises everyone by becoming the most interesting person of the series. No, seriously.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 18 again.


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