Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 20: Traffic Light Party

Back in the 1990s when one-shouldered lycra tops and tiny plaits were cool and it was still kind of embarrassing to own a mobile phone (you know, the era they write about on Buzzfeed three times a day) there were regular events known as "traffic light parties".

These were club nights where everyone wore either red, green or orange to signify their relationship status - taken, single or taken but still looking around (ie: a slut).

Despite the majority of people wanting to attend these parties being forced to wear green, they were quite popular. Of course you have to remember this was back in the day before you could just Snapchat someone on Facebook and download their Twitter and find out who they were shagging via LinkedIn, so I suppose they did serve a useful purpose.

Anyway everything old is new again and so this week our Daters are getting their '90s on and heading to a traffic light party which, ironically, will end up being something of a car crash.

Everyone is expecting Anna to wear green, not least because the last time we saw her she was shagging Gumby.

A reminder.

Little do they know Anna is yet to reveal what she reckons will be the BIGGEST SURPRISE OF THE SERIES: that she has a boyfriend, and will therefore be wearing red.

Yeah. Give it about six and a half minutes and that secret's going to look pretty damn average, I reckon. Just a guess.

"I've never been to a traffic light party before, I think it's very '90s and I was born in the '90s, so it's before my time," Courteney gushes.

Girl, please.

Meanwhile John has turned up in orange because, as he explains, he's "sort of seeing someone".

"What's his name?" asks Johnny.

"No seriously, what is it? And does he have a friend? I'M WEARING FUCKING GREEN OVER HERE."

Apparently John's in a thing with a girl from Dubai, or who works for Emirates. Or maybe she's an emir, or she likes rats. I've got no idea, it feels like about 10 episodes since John did anything of interest in this series. His new squeeze is possibly the girl he went on a date with in episode seven, but whoever it is they can't be that special, because he's wearing orange.

Not wearing orange, red, or really even green is Courteney, who has shown up in a white and mint ensemble in some sort of half-arsed effort to look kind-of-but-not-really-single.

Does this mean Courteney has found herself a bloke?

"I've KIND of been hanging out with someone," says Courteney.

"If you're seeing him, then why green and not orange?" asks John.

"It's not a him," says Courteney.

"I've been seeing a girl."

John's reaction to Courteney's new found lesbianism is pretty chill.

"And she's a fucking babe," pipes up Johnny.

At this piece of news John launches into an impromptu impression of an ADD kid on meth, because not only has he just fulfilled his lifelong ambition to know a hot lesbian, he'll also no doubt be invited around to watch them have hot lesbian sex.

John's always been a strong supporter of the LGBT community.

"How do you suddenly just wake up one day and go 'I love men, and I love penis, but I'm going to shag women'?" asks John.

"Well one night me and Johnny were really drunk..." starts Courteney.

As we already know, the best stories always start out with "me and Johnny were really drunk".

Apparently, for a drunken laugh, Courteney changed her Tinder profile to say she was looking for girls. Then a girl said hello to her, and now she's a lesbian. You know how these things go.

"Courteney catches up with this girl for a date, and next thing she's waking up at her house," gushes Johnny.

At least, I think that's what Johnny said here.

"It's not like I just woke up one day and went 'oh, maybe I'm a lesbian'," says Courteney, as she changes the lock screen of her iPhone to a picture of kd Lang.

No, obviously. She waited until the evening.

"I've never been attracted to a girl ever before, I just happened to meet this girl and she was really cool," she continues.

This is the only appropriate reaction to this statement.

Courteney may only be new to homosexuality, but thanks to the recent Cosmo illustrated liftout she is already an expert in lesbianism.

Basically, being a lesbian is just like being with a guy except it's totes more fun because you can get your nails done together and cook muffins and share lipsticks and do each other's hair! And gossip about boys! Oh no wait, you don't do that.

Courteney's idea of lesbianism.

"It's different to being with a guy, it really is so different. Like, being with a girl, she actually, like cares," says Courteney, as she scrolls through iTunes looking for the latest TATU album.

"If we're seeing each other that night she'll actually send me a message saying she's excited to see me. Like, what guy has ever done that? It's cos guys are too manly," she declares.

Unlike lesbians, of course.

As Courteney continues it becomes unclear as to whether she is in fact in a lesbian relationship, or if she's suffered some sort of psychotic episode where she believes she's starring in an extended episode of Sex and the City.

"We have so much fun together! We go and get our nails done and go out for coffee and cocktails," she gushes, in exactly the way a lesbian wouldn't.

"Like, what guy wants to go out for cocktails?"

Guys who say things like this.

Oh look, here's Anna!

Hey good luck with telling everybody your secret, by the way!

"Do you remember ages ago when I said I went on a date with someone? Well, now we're exclusive!" says Anna, as everyone pretends to care.

"You reckon that's a bombshell - wait until you hear THIS bombshell!" yells John, who clearly doesn't care about being polite.

"Thanks for upstaging me, bitch."

Anyway, back to Courteney The Lesbian who feels so much closer to Johnny now that she is officially part of His Community.

"Do you have any rainbow fabric?" she asks him, already planning her outfit for the Adelaide Pride parade.

"Back off bitch, I'm the only gay in this village."

"We have been out in a club and kissed in a bar and the attention we get is actually ridiculous," complains Courteney as she clicks the "buy now" button on a pair of dungarees on Ebay.

"Like, we were out the other night and we were kissing in a bar and some guys were being absolute wankers like, getting like, turned on and stuff and I like, lost it. I went up to them and like, spilled their drinks over them. Like, I was so angry. I was like 'you are so insensitive and rude'."

She might be a new lesbian, but she's got the outrage down pat.

"It makes me go, like, 'fuck'," Courteney says, kicking off what proves to be an epic speech about equality worthy of any Miss Universe pageant.

"Like, the world is so unaccepting of people and I know that being in the gay world is hard but now experiencing what it's actually like for someone to be gay, it's like, really rough!"

Girl, you just kissed someone. It's not fucking Stonewall.

"I don't know what my sexuality is," she concludes.

"I can't say I'm bi, I can't say I'm lesbian because at this stage, I think I'm straight."


Now go on and READ EPISODE 21, in which Burgo asks Courteney out on a date. Probably.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 19 again.

*On a slightly serious note: I'm a pretty firm believer that gender and sexuality is not a binary construct, and is a living, fluid thing. So a sincere good luck to Courteney and her new adventure. And here's hoping Johnny tries heterosexuality in episode 21 just to even things out.


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