But more on that later.
"Wait, did she just call me a moron?"
Right now I just need a little time to get over the fact that Mrs Kasha Davis got eliminated last week.
OK, I'm good now.
"I'm starting to feel that they're putting me on the bottom so I can just take out the other girls," trills Kandy Ho as she wipes Kasha's lipstick off the mirror.
I guess that makes her a power bottom?
Meanwhile it's taken her six weeks but Violet Chachki is finally starting to realise the other queens might not like her very much.
Well, it's not like it was obvious. All they did was side-eye her constantly, and give her the "Shadiest Queen" award at the DESPYs, and always pick her last for group challenges. How was she to know?
Definitely not a moron.
"I just want you girls to know that I'm going to be working on the way that I come across," Violet says.
"Come across who?"
Then everyone congratulates Pearl for overcoming her crippling lack of personality to finally win a challenge, except Miss Fame who glowers in the corner muttering something about chickens.
"Oh cluck off, Fame."
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... aaaaand it's the next day in the Werq Room, where Max is feeling rather hurt that everyone ignored his suggestion to "come as your favourite Tim Burton character".
Max had so many he got flustered and accidentally chose Barnabas Collins from Dark Shadows. No one likes Dark Shadows.
"IF YOU GUYS HAD TO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER QUEEN IN THIS ROOM WHO WOULD IT BE?" blurts Katya, which sounds like a random outburst but is actually just how she usually enters a room.
"I'm opting out," declares Max, wandering away to the sound of precisely no one caring.
"These girls are all so vulgar. I mean, they're all very sexual," she continues.
Girl, you make a living wearing lipstick and strapping fake boobs to your chest, let's not pretend it's a nunnery.
(PS: You're still my favourite)
"A lace front wig has a front and a back but there are three sides to every story - and sometimes the truth is 100 per cent unbe-WEAVE-able!" says RuPaul.
"Something with wigs!" declares Miss Fame.
Oh, you reckon?
I thought maybe they'd have to recreate the Bayeux Tapestry using only the hairs they can find in Katya's brush.
Or make bras using traditional African basket weaving techniques.
This one is Ginger's.
Or dress as spiders and weave a new outfit for Michelle Visage.
Suddenly a cold wind blows through the studio, all the lights blow out and the life sized statue of Miss Fame the other queens just spontaneously built in honour of her superior intelligence topples to the ground and smashes into pieces. Max flaps her tiny umbrella and shrieks "I'M OPTING OUT" while Kandy Ho yells "THIS ISN'T ON MY ALLEY". Pearl just stands there, trying to work out if there's something on her face.
The door at the top of the stairs creaks open and...
That guy again.
"America's next drag superstar needs to stay calm and carry on - no matter what POPS UP," RuPaul winks, as a bunch of male underwear models stride into the room.
"Ooh I love pop! Oh wait, we're not talking about sex again are we?"
RuPaul explains the rules of the day's mini challenge, titled "Monster In Your Pants", which are completely confusing but have something to do with half naked men reaching into their underpants and whipping something out.
Coincidentally, this is exactly how I would design the audition process for Zayn's replacement in One Direction if I were in charge.
So they all do that for about 42 minutes, which is fine because it's basically 42 minutes of abs, pecs and biceps, and Ginger Minj is crowned the winner for whatever reason because who the hell knows what is even going on here.
Ginger gets to pick the three teams for the main challenge, which is an acting challenge because variety is a quality unimportant to the producers of this show.
The queens will all have to dress up as RuPaul, Michelle Visage and former Drag Race judge Merle Ginsberg to perform "Real Hollywood Stories" style re-enactments of how Merle left the show.
"Listen Merle, you're great but you're just so classy and stylish and elegant, it's not working. Do you know anyone else?" - How Michelle Visage got the job.
RU-ENACTMENT CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL* Paired with Jaidynn Diore Fierce and Miss Fame, Pearl has her first great idea for the challenge.
"Why don't we do a three-way scissor?" she asks.
"Bitch can you wait? We're trying to plan a show here."
* The idea doesn't go down well, but it's not as bad as Miss Fame's idea to start an all-percussion band using their faces..
"Once we're miced it'll sound better."
* Meanwhile Violet is annoyed at the prospect of another group challenge. We know how you feel, dear.
"I'm sick of having to work with people that are not myself," she slags.
Violet's ideal team. They wouldn't win anything, but if it makes her happy...
* Over in the other corner of the Werq Room Ginger Minj is practising her Michelle Visage which, according to Katya, is going to be "Ginger Minj as Danny Devito as Tony Soprano as The Fonz as Michelle Visage".
RUN, CHILDREN. RUN LIKE THE WIND.
* Rehearsals over, it's time to head over to the studio to film the three plays, just like every single episode up to this point, because hey why change anything.
* And introducing...
KATYA as Australian children's entertainer Patsy Biscoe!
KENNEDY DAVENPORT as the drag daughter of Pamela Anderson and Tan Mom!
JAIDYNN DIORE FIERCE as Aretha Franklin circa 2010!
GINGER MINJ as Cake Boss!
* Kennedy Davenport takes the role of RuPaul. Also takes half a bottle of valium, by the sounds of the way she's delivering her lines.
* Violet Chachki plays Michelle Visage, has trouble holding a cake and a cocktail at the same time. So, score zero for authenticity.
* Puerto Rican queen Kandy Ho consistently forgets the word "that" at the end of her only line, turning the quip "mother does not play that" into "mother does not play", which begs the question: WHAT? WHAT DOES SHE NOT PLAY? Guitar? Flute? Hopscotch?
* "RuPaul, my monkeys made you this potato salad!" says Pearl, dressed as Michelle Visage, holding out a muffin.
"Yay, I love emotional time travel movies with a strong female lead!" exclaims Miss Fame, dressed as Merle Ginsberg.
If we learn nothing else from this challenge, its that psychoactive drugs are plentiful in the World of Wonder offices.
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
* Sensing things just aren't weird enough, Miss Fame stops everything to launch into a preview performance of her new one act off Broadway play, "Me And My Boring Feelings".
"I just, I wanna do better than this and I'm hitting a wall. I wanna talk real and I'm like, in a room with people and this is the chance of a lifetime and I'm finding myself having a conversation with myself. You know, I've not been to this place before so I'm trying to like, be funny. I just don't know what's better - should I not talk about my feelings or should I just obviously move on?" she says.
Um, yeah, maybe just move on.
With filming finished everyone heads back to the Werq Room to work on their looks for the runway, which this week has the theme of "Death Becomes Her".
Each queen has to put together an outfit that represents the manner of their death. Luckily Trixie Mattel isn't around - how do you dress as the sound of no laughter?
That joke was not Max authorised.
While everyone's makeupping and hairing and outfitting, Jaidynn suddenly reveals she hasn't yet come out as gay to her family.
I can't be sure, but I think they might have an inkling now.
Meanwhile, next on Jaidynn's list of things to admit to the world:
THOSE GLASSES AIN'T GOT NO GLASS.
But enough of all this teary emotional crap because...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* In keeping with the "death" theme RuPaul shows up looking like she was killed in a hurricane, with windswept hair and a dress that looks like the machine from Helen Hunt film "Twister" exploded all over her body:
Make sure you don't enter her "suck zone".
* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage comes as woman slowly being eaten by her own hair:
We can still see you, honey.
* Also on tonight's panel is a special guest judge - pop star and America's foremost Pekingese impersonator Ariana Grande!
They can teach those dogs to do anything, it's amazing.
* Merle Ginsberg is also there, as is Ross Matthews who I'm actually starting to like a lot but it's funnier if I pretend I don't so: hooray.
* And first on the runway is Katya, dressed as Daryl Hannah moonlighting as a cruise ship dancer after having taken too many hallucinogenic drugs and trying to wear a shark as a shoe. It's a very specific look.
We're gonna need a bigger boot.
* Next up is Ginger Minj, who has come as a society lady mauled on her way to the opera by a gangster bear with a diamond grille:
That must have been one hungry bear.
* Moving on to Kennedy Davenport, who has come as a chicken after it's been hacked to death by a low paid worker at KFC:
Actually, I don't know what the hell this is or was, but I'm glad it's dead.
* And then OH MY GOD LOOK AT MAX YOU HEATHENS:
She's dead, she's killing it, now I'm dying, I'm DEAD, and her look is giving me life HOLY GOD THIS IS SO GORGEOUS.
* Luckily I'm dead now, so I don't feel any pain from the B movie horror that is Kandy Ho's "vampire being strangled by crows and cheap upholstery" look:
Kandy. KANDY. What has happened to you? What happened to THIS?
* But DROP EVERYTHING AND SHUT UP BECAUSE LOOK AT MISS FAME:
Stabbed through the head and you're to blame, you give love a bad name.
I MEAN LOOK AT HER!
She's got a splitting headache.
SERIOUSLY LOOK AT HER!
Such a sharp mind, that girl.
ARE YOU DYING? I AM DYING. I AM DEAD. CANCEL THE REST OF THE RUNWAY I DON'T NEED TO SEE ANYMORE.
* Except then out comes Pearl, wrapped in bandages and stumbling knock-kneed to the end of the runway like Sharon Needles on a Tuesday night:
Or Joan Rivers after her final surgical procedure. (Too soon?)
Ironically, getting Pearl to act dead has resulted in her most lively performance. Hooray for irony!
* She's followed by zombie Jaidynn from cell block H, wrapped in barbed wire and bleeding from the mouth:
I am LIVING for this look. I mean dying for it. I mean... look, it's awesome, OK?
She looks like NeNe Leakes with gingivitis. It's like The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Walking Dead edition.
* And then OH MY GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE LOOK AT VIOLET EVERYONE:
She waisted away.
I MEAN ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?
So. Completely. Gorgeous. I just can't.
* I guess we're supposed to assume that Violet died from experimental waist tightening surgery and has been reincarnated as a Real Doll with a nitrous habit. Sure, fine, works for me.
* With the runway finished (thank god, I don't think I could take any more fabulousness) (side note: WHY DID IT TAKE THEM SO FRIGGING LONG TO GET TO THIS LEVEL OF FABULOUS) it's time to watch the thee "Ru Hollywood Stories" they all filmed earlier.
In a nutshell:
* Ginger Minj plays Michelle Visage a tad too subtly:
Way too classy to be accurate.
* Kandy Ho finally remembers the word "that" but forgets the rest of her lines.
Fortunately her beard steps in to cover for her. Literally.
* Violet has as much chops as a vegetarian deli, sounds like Adriana from The Sopranos on a bender.
But at least she worked out how to hold that drink.
* Meanwhile, Latoya Jackson is looking good these days!
This look could have worked equally well for the death runway, I feel.
* And everybody playing Merle is boring. Not their fault, really.
* The whole thing ends with Miss Fame and Pearl writhing around in a wading pool full of jelly and cream:
Aka a regular Thursday night at Michelle Visage's house
I guess Violet finally decided who to come across.
* Katya, Ginger Minj and Kennedy Davenport are declared the winning team, so they're all sent back to the safe zone.
Oh sure, that's totally fair that this look gets a free pass tonight.
[FULL DISCLOSURE: I put this recap on hold at this point and then went out to dinner with friends. What follows could be described as "slightly alcohol affected". I bear no responsibility for loss of continuity,]
* By virtue of being on the winning team (I think? No shade) Katya is declared the winner of tonight's runway which... OK. Look. The shark thing was funny. She looks awesome. SHE IS EXCELLENT IN EVERY WAY. I LOVE Katya. But....
* Anyway Katya wins a year's supply of dishwashing liquid or chewing gum or whatever amazing prize they have this week and we all move on to the judges' comments. Yay.
* "Max, I asked you for one thing last week, what was it?" says Michelle Visage.
"Oh I can't remember... was it for me to look TOTALLY SICKENING?"
* For those playing at home Michelle asked Max to do a look without grey hair. To misquote Holy Six Pack member Bianca Del Rio: "I'LL DROP THE GREY HAIR WHEN MICHELLE VISAGE WEARS A GOD DAMN TURTLENECK."
* "Every week she's gonna have a white face, grey hair and a spot on her face," says Michelle, who is obviously known for her variety of looks.
* "I think if grey hair is your thing, then I don't think that's a bad thing," says Ross Matthews, who is fast becoming my favourite thing on this show.
"No one's asking her to change, just to try something different," says Michelle.
"That's exactly what change is," says Ross.
AND WITH THAT, ROSS HAS IMMEDIATELY BECOME MY FAVOURITE PERSON IN THE WORLD.
Come to me Ross, I will never doubt again.
* Michelle reads Violet for impersonating her with a Staten Island accent instead of a New Jersey accent, as if anyone knows or gives a shit.
"Bitch, have you seen this waist?"
* Ross reads Kandy Ho for being "stiff", which seems ironic given everyone's supposed to be playing dead.
* RuPaul asks Miss Fame how her head is and she misses the gag for the second week in a row.
"I can barely hear a thing inside this muff, it's like a shell," she gasps.
"Seriously girl, have you never heard this joke...?"
* Everybody reads Jaidynn Diore Fierce, and it's like... HELLO, ARE YOU EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW? WTF?
SHE IS A FRIGGING ZOMBIE PRISONER.
SHE LOOKS BRILLIANT.
EVERYONE IS STUPID.
* "I don't find Kandy Ho particularly memorable," says the pekingese whose name is... dammit, I had it just a moment ago,
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after having failed once again to gain a decent corporate sponsor this week, is supported by Kerry's Kids' Kavern in Bloomington, Indiana. (Poor Kerry thought Drag Race was a children's show, so there's $500 wasted).
One by one all the girls are sent back to the safe zone with the others who didn't really deserve it (*cough* Kennedy Davenport *cough*) until it's down to Kandy Ho (yeah, fair enough) and Jaidynn Diore Fierce (OH COME ON) to duke it out to some song by Ariana Grande. It's so amazing what they can teach pekingese to do, isn't it?
So anyway they both jump about and flail around and whip their hair back and forth and Ariana puts her hands in the air in a way that suggests she just doesn't care but in the end Kandy Ho sucks harder (well, she is dressed as a vampire) so she is made to sashay away.
Any last words, Kandy?
"I'm gonna go to Puerto Rico and rub it against other girls' faces!"
Well, it's always good to have a career to fall back on.