Finally, it's here. After six long weeks of boring theatrical challenges, boring musical challenges, absolutely zero photo shoots or dressmaking challenges and a metric pantsload of underwear promotion, we have finally arrived at the only episode worth watching every season: THE SNATCH GAME.
For the uninitiated: What are you doing here, exactly? Seriously, is this fun for you? Reading about a show you don't even watch? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
For everyone else: IT'S SNATCH GAME, MOTHER FATHERS!
But first, the obligatory fuckery, which begins this week (as it does every week) in the Werq Room, where everyone is trying to work out how Kandy Ho lasted on the show so long. Vale, Kandy Ho, this show just wasn't on your alley.
Jaidynn Diore Fierce, meanwhile, starts describing her experience in the bottom two but gets distracted half way through when she remembers her grocery list.
"No ma'am, Pam, no ham, turkey, no cauliflower, I can't do that again," she says.
It seems Kennedy Davenport isn't that keen on Max or her "dust-ass, grey-ass" wigs.
"I'd like to see her at the bottom so she can get a reality check, IJS - I'm just saying," she says.
"Kennedy needs to go, she looks like Tony the Tiger on crack," says Violet Chachki which, well.
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, more wavy lines, some crack...
...and it's the next day in the Werq Room where clearly nobody said or did anything interesting on the day of filming because WOOP WOOP it's time for an Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail!
It seems whoever has been responsible for RuPaul making those strangling sounds every week has finally been successful in finishing the job, because this time the message is being delivered by Drag Race reigning champion and Holy Six Pack member Bianca Del Rio!
"I've got one tip for you - you're a drag queen, be funny," she says via video link.
"Something with wigs?" shouts Miss Fame.
Just then a terrible rumbling starts beneath the floor, the tremors knocking over shelves and upending tables. Katya dives suddenly into a pile of shoes, causing Kennedy to fall face first into a bucket of leftover paint and glitter. No one notices. The walls shake, the lights flicker, and a high pitched whistling noise can be heard as the door at the top of the stairs slowly creaks open to reveal...
"Blah blah blah blah," says RuPaul.
"Blah di blah di blah blah blah.
"Blah blah blah bling bling bling blah, yada yada yada, ra ra ra!"
All of which, of course, means:
For those of you still confused as to what the Snatch Game is, Katya explains.
"We put on these giant latex frog costumes and we go through a fiery obstacle course," she says which, in fairness, is not that much stupider than recreating Jennifer Lopez out of paper, or getting men to pull numbers out of their underpants.
Sadly however, unless Katya decides to impersonate Ginger Minj on an arson binge, there will be none of the above.
"I'm doing Donatella Versace," announces Violet.
"I'M doing Donatella Versace!" exclaims Miss Fame, staring at the camera to make sure everyone recognises the presence of Dramatic Conflict.
"I've been planning this character for eight months!" gasps Violet.
"I've been planning it since the first time I auditioned for Drag Race!" wails Miss Fame.
"BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE!" cries Violet.
Kennedy Davenport announces she wants to do Little Richard, a concept I have no doubt he'd probably be pleased with. Everybody freaks out because "he's a man".
I'm sorry, but surely I can't be alone in thinking:
The others try to convince her to do Sweet Brown instead. I hope they fail at this endeavour, because I want nothing more than to see Kennedy Davenport dress up in a sparkly jacket with a bouffant hairdo and screech "A WOP BOP A LU BOP A WOP BOM BOM". It would rocket her right to the top of my favourites list and, to quote Coco Montrese: "I AIN'T JOKIN, BITCH."
Meanwhile over on the other side of the Werq Room, can it be true...?
Yes, it is.
And yes, it's true.
"I'm doing Sharon Needles!" Max announces.
"I'm gonna give like, Disney Sharon Needles," she continues.
While Max prepares to murder Sharon Needles and dance on her grave, and possibly not in a good way, Jaidynn Diore Fierce is getting ready to do her best, truest portrayal of that luminary of stage and screen, Raven Symone.
Over in the corner Miss Fame is explaining to RuPaul why she's chosen to do some rando D grade celebrity you've never heard of instead of Donatella Versace. Namely, it's because of Violet.
Sensing an opportunity to cause more Dramatic Conflict, RuPaul gives Miss Fame some sage advice that is definitely from the heart and not at all specifically designed to stir up shit.
"You were kind enough to change your first choice, but being kind is one thing. Being the winner is a completely different thing," he says.
"I just want you to do what's in YOUR best interest, not what's in the best interests of the other contestants," she continues.
Like a kid who's just been told to get in the back of the van because it's full of candy and puppies, Miss Fame blindly stumbles into RuPaul's Machiavellian trap, blurting out "Well shit, I'll be Versace!"
Katya tells Ru she's going to impersonate loudmouth finance guru Suze Orman, which she's never done before.
"I'm afraid to show this character because it's the thing that I do best and I'm terrified of failing at it," she says, completely contradicting herself. Unless she just knows that she is innately good at impersonating financial advisers? (In which case another, more lucrative criminal career would seem to beckon.)
Katya and Ru start talking about anxiety and spiritual healing, and I'm sure it was fascinating but I was distracted by a piece of fluff on the carpet so I missed it all. I only tuned back in in time to hear Katya saying "Alchohol! Crystal meth! Cocaine!" so I guess the producers put her in charge of organising that night's wrap party. Good for you, Katya!
Kennedy tells RuPaul she's tossing up between Sweet Brown and Little Richard (which, for all you avant garde porn makers out there, is a viral video that would probably make a lot of money - think about it).
"I'm going to leave that decision to you, I can't decide for you and that's all I'm going to say," says RuPaul, who 30 seconds ago decided for Miss Fame just fine.
Meanwhile, here at the Haus of Bland Canyon:
Moving on to Violet Chachki, who is staying firm in her decision to do Donatella Versace 2.0.
"Show us your Italian accent," RuPaul asks.
"Salami, lasagne, pizza, gelati, bunga bunga party," Violet drawls.
"OK... What other characters have you got?" RuPaul asks.
This is, how you say in Italian? A FUCKIN' SITUATION.
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, Max doing a bit of this...
...and suddenly, it's here! The moment has arrived!
IT'S SNATCH GAME TIME!* The two guest contestants are some actor I've never heard of and Tamar Braxton, who doesn't say "GET YO LIFE" a la Roxxy Andrews so I immediately lose interest.
* First on the block is Max as Drag Race Season 4 winner, Holy Six Pack member and general Queen of Everything, Sharon Needles:
* "Have you been to any good seances lately?" RuPaul asks her.
"I just got back from one!" she says brightly, before a nasty old editor cuts her punchline off and runs cutaways of everyone looking awkward. WE CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU PIECES OF WORK #MAX4LYFE.
* Next is Jaidynn Diore Fierce as Raven Symone:
* Then there's Katya as Suze Orman, and... yeah. You know.
* Next up is Violet Chachki, whose last minute decision to ditch Versace to impersonate Drag Race alum Alyssa Edwards has proved to be an inspired move. She might sound like Alyssa after a Valium binge, but the bitch has got the moves down.
* Moving on to Pearl, and look, I've seen better Nicki Minaj impersonations but it's not that bad, and... what?
* Next to her is Miss Fame, who has also decided to ditch the Donatella Versace character for an amazingly accurate impression of a Russian nightclub door bitch:
* "Now tell me, is it pronounced 'ver-sayse' or 'ver-satchi'?" RuPaul asks her.
"It depends where you come from, I don't mind," says Miss Fame Versace.
* Moving right along to.... OH YES! YASSSSSS!
* And finally we have Ginger Minj (wow, remember her? Where the hell has she been this episode?) with pop singer turned wife-and-mum-who-we'll-probably-never-hear-from-again Adele.
* FIRST QUESTION: "Quentin Tarantino is making a new version of the Wizard of Oz. In this version, Dorothy BLANKS the Tin Man," says RuPaul.
"She KILLS him!" says Tamar Braxton.
* "She tightens the screws, cos we all love a tight screw A-WOOOOO!" trills Little Kennedy Davenport.
"A-WOOOOOOO! SHUT UP!"
* Jaidynn Raven Fierce attempts to locate the off-screen teleprompter containing her jokes, is not successful.
* Adele's Minj defies all the characteristics of being American by managing a convincing cockney accent and being funny, wins all the points.
* "House down Versace boots!" exclaims Miss Fame Versace, who clearly thought the question was "Four random words together that make no sense are BLANK".
* NEXT QUESTION: "Rumour has it they're making a gay version of Batman and Robin in which they convert the Bat Cave into a BLANK," says RuPaul.
"HAUNTED HOUSE!" exclaims Max Needles.
* "A BATH HOUSE AND A DARK ROOM WITH GLORY HOLES, A-WOOOOOO!" trills Little Kennedy Davenport, as I consider just how different defamation law is in the US compared to Australia.
* Moving on to... oh not this shit again.
* NEXT QUESTION: "Portia De Rossi says Ellen is so funny even her BLANK makes her laugh," says RuPaul.
"Her COINS!" says Tamar Braxton.
* Max Needles says "temper tantrums, because Ellen never has temper tantrums".
Adele's Minj makes a few more fat jokes, Big Pearl juggles her big pearls, Max Needles searches in vain for a punchline and Little Kennedy Davenport screams "A-WOOOO!" a few more times and with that, it's back to the Werq Room to prepare for the elimination runway.
Actually, it's back to the Werq Room for Katya to have an emotional therapy session with Miss Fame about drug addiction and anxiety and it's all a bit heavy so... I dunno, look at this for a bit longer:
On a positive note, all of this Katya introspection probably means she's going to make it into the top three. Yay!
But enough of all this real, heartfelt emotion. Pull yourself together and slap some god damn glitter on that heartache - this is Drag Race, dammit! And...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!
* In honour of this week's episode being sponsored by National Ocean Safety Awareness Month, RuPaul comes dressed as this lifejacket:
* Michelle Visage has also joined in the theme:
* Sadly the producers have missed the opportunity to make tonight's runway theme "water sports", instead opting for "leather and lace" which is neither a) funny nor b) anything to do with ocean safety. However it should result in some hideous outfits so I guess it'll do.
* First up is Ginger Minj, who has just dropped in on her way to a costume party dressed as Jaidynn Diore Fierce in fancy dress as Elvis:
* Not to be outdone, Katya shows up as Britney Spears circa 2035:
* Followed by Kennedy Davenport as Oprah from her new cable TV show "Oprah's S&M Party":
* Meanwhile, it seems the other queens finally got sick of Violet Chachki's whining:
* Then out comes Max who has ditched the "dust-ass" grey wig for...
* Seeing Max's cobweb headpiece and assuming the runway theme is "Spring cleaning", Jaidynn Diore Fierce cuts up a Glad trashbag, sews it onto one leg of an XXXL surgical stocking and trots out looking a whole $1.50:
* Demonstrating Sasha Belle levels of comprehension, Jaidynn describes the top half of her dress, which is at least 10 shades lighter than her skin tone, as a "nude illusion". Unless she actually said "new delusion", in which case - correct.
* Then there's Pearl, wearing something totally new and different - a personality!
* Then there's Miss Fame, looking like Fran Drescher got a job hosting a BDSM night in the East Village:
* Meanwhile, BEHOLD:
* "The shape of your hair is a little too triangular," Michelle Visage tells Ginger Minj.
* Michelle Visage loves Miss Fame's outfit.
* Everybody loves Kennedy Davenport.
* Michelle praises Max for ditching her grey hair, which is shortly followed by Ross Matthews telling Max he misses her grey hair.
* Michelle begins to read Max for her drastic Sharon Needles impression in the Snatch Game, so Max halts proceedings the only way she knows how - by taking off her clothes and staging an impromptu musical on the stairs:
* Tamar Braxton tells Jaidynn her look "falls flat", which is quite an accomplishment for someone with that many curves.
* "Once it was funny, the second time it was cute, the rest of the time it died," says Michelle, which coincidentally is exactly what critics said about Seduction's first and only album.
* Michelle laments the fact that Miss Fame's Snatch Game performance wasn't funny.
There's some more deliberation and then the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after having failed once again to gain a decent corporate sponsor, is this week supported by RuPaul's latest merchandising venture, Ru's Real Dolls.
...as is Ginger Minj in a history making DOUBLE WIN!
So I guess tonight was a win for the little AND the big people, am I right?
One by one all the queens are sent back to the safe zone to drink their one standard issue cocktail in the lounge (what, you think this show is made of money?) until we're left with just two: Jaidynn Diore Fierce (sure) and... oh no. OH NO.
In the end, the decision is obvious. But still bullshit.
Max must sashay away.
Farewell, lovely Max, my favourite, my one, my reason for losing $50 on a bet on the final three (THANKS BITCH).
Any last words?
I couldn't have said it better myself.
BUT WAIT - RuPaul has something to say!
"I fear I have made a terrible mistake, that I've let one of the eliminated queens go home too soon - I'm just not sure which one," she says.
Ready? Quench your thirst and move on to EPISODE EIGHT. Or go back in time and read EPISODE SIX again! Whatever, totes your choice.