Friday, April 17, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 7, Episode 7

Finally, it's here. After six long weeks of boring theatrical challenges, boring musical challenges, absolutely zero photo shoots or dressmaking challenges and a metric pantsload of underwear promotion, we have finally arrived at the only episode worth watching every season: THE SNATCH GAME.



This is me right now.

For the uninitiated: What are you doing here, exactly? Seriously, is this fun for you? Reading about a show you don't even watch? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

For everyone else: IT'S SNATCH GAME, MOTHER FATHERS!

But first, the obligatory fuckery, which begins this week (as it does every week) in the Werq Room, where everyone is trying to work out how Kandy Ho lasted on the show so long. Vale, Kandy Ho, this show just wasn't on your alley.

Jaidynn Diore Fierce, meanwhile, starts describing her experience in the bottom two but gets distracted half way through when she remembers her grocery list.

"No ma'am, Pam, no ham, turkey, no cauliflower, I can't do that again," she says.

It seems Kennedy Davenport isn't that keen on Max or her "dust-ass, grey-ass" wigs.

"I'd like to see her at the bottom so she can get a reality check, IJS - I'm just saying," she says.

Which is pretty rich coming from someone who looks like she just got a facial from Tinkerbell's brother.

"Kennedy needs to go, she looks like Tony the Tiger on crack," says Violet Chachki which, well.

I mean.

That's just.

Brilliant.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, more wavy lines, some crack...

INVISIBLE CRACK PIPE.

...and it's the next day in the Werq Room where clearly nobody said or did anything interesting on the day of filming because WOOP WOOP it's time for an Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail!

It seems whoever has been responsible for RuPaul making those strangling sounds every week has finally been successful in finishing the job, because this time the message is being delivered by Drag Race reigning champion and Holy Six Pack member Bianca Del Rio!

"I've got one tip for you - you're a drag queen, be funny," she says via video link.

"Something with wigs?" shouts Miss Fame.

Just then a terrible rumbling starts beneath the floor, the tremors knocking over shelves and upending tables. Katya dives suddenly into a pile of shoes, causing Kennedy to fall face first into a bucket of leftover paint and glitter. No one notices. The walls shake, the lights flicker, and a high pitched whistling noise can be heard as the door at the top of the stairs slowly creaks open to reveal...

When RuPaul wears them, they're poke-him dots.

"Blah blah blah blah," says RuPaul.

"Blah di blah di blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah bling bling bling blah, yada yada yada, ra ra ra!"

All of which, of course, means:

Coincidentally, this is the exact what RuPaul looks like when he fires up Grindr.

For those of you still confused as to what the Snatch Game is, Katya explains.

"We put on these giant latex frog costumes and we go through a fiery obstacle course," she says which, in fairness, is not that much stupider than recreating Jennifer Lopez out of paper, or getting men to pull numbers out of their underpants.

Sadly however, unless Katya decides to impersonate Ginger Minj on an arson binge, there will be none of the above.

"I'm doing Donatella Versace," announces Violet.

"I'M doing Donatella Versace!" exclaims Miss Fame, staring at the camera to make sure everyone recognises the presence of Dramatic Conflict.

"I've been planning this character for eight months!" gasps Violet.

"I've been planning it since the first time I auditioned for Drag Race!" wails Miss Fame.

"BUT I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE!" cries Violet.

Um.


Yeah you do.


And hey, there's always this.

Kennedy Davenport announces she wants to do Little Richard, a concept I have no doubt he'd probably be pleased with. Everybody freaks out because "he's a man".

I'm sorry, but surely I can't be alone in thinking:

THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER.

The others try to convince her to do Sweet Brown instead. I hope they fail at this endeavour, because I want nothing more than to see Kennedy Davenport dress up in a sparkly jacket with a bouffant hairdo and screech "A WOP BOP A LU BOP A WOP BOM BOM". It would rocket her right to the top of my favourites list and, to quote Coco Montrese: "I AIN'T JOKIN, BITCH."

Meanwhile over on the other side of the Werq Room, can it be true...?

Is that... A OUIJA BOARD THINGY?

Yes, it is.

And yes, it's true.

"I'm doing Sharon Needles!" Max announces.

WELCOME TO MY HAPPY PLACE.

"I'm gonna give like, Disney Sharon Needles," she continues.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

While Max prepares to murder Sharon Needles and dance on her grave, and possibly not in a good way, Jaidynn Diore Fierce is getting ready to do her best, truest portrayal of that luminary of stage and screen, Raven Symone.

I think I speak for everyone when I say I would have preferred this Raven.

Over in the corner Miss Fame is explaining to RuPaul why she's chosen to do some rando D grade celebrity you've never heard of instead of Donatella Versace. Namely, it's because of Violet.

Meanwhile:

The Violet-inator's highly sensitive audio receptors are capable of picking up sound from over 20km away.

Sensing an opportunity to cause more Dramatic Conflict, RuPaul gives Miss Fame some sage advice that is definitely from the heart and not at all specifically designed to stir up shit.

"You were kind enough to change your first choice, but being kind is one thing. Being the winner is a completely different thing," he says.

"I just want you to do what's in YOUR best interest, not what's in the best interests of the other contestants," she continues.

Like a kid who's just been told to get in the back of the van because it's full of candy and puppies, Miss Fame blindly stumbles into RuPaul's Machiavellian trap, blurting out "Well shit, I'll be Versace!"

This does not go down well with the Violet-bot 3000.

Katya tells Ru she's going to impersonate loudmouth finance guru Suze Orman, which she's never done before.

"I'm afraid to show this character because it's the thing that I do best and I'm terrified of failing at it," she says, completely contradicting herself. Unless she just knows that she is innately good at impersonating financial advisers? (In which case another, more lucrative criminal career would seem to beckon.)

Katya and Ru start talking about anxiety and spiritual healing, and I'm sure it was fascinating but I was distracted by a piece of fluff on the carpet so I missed it all. I only tuned back in in time to hear Katya saying "Alchohol! Crystal meth! Cocaine!" so I guess the producers put her in charge of organising that night's wrap party. Good for you, Katya!

Kennedy tells RuPaul she's tossing up between Sweet Brown and Little Richard (which, for all you avant garde porn makers out there, is a viral video that would probably make a lot of money - think about it).

"I'm going to leave that decision to you, I can't decide for you and that's all I'm going to say," says RuPaul, who 30 seconds ago decided for Miss Fame just fine.

Meanwhile, here at the Haus of Bland Canyon:

PLEASE GOD.

Moving on to Violet Chachki, who is staying firm in her decision to do Donatella Versace 2.0.

"Show us your Italian accent," RuPaul asks.

"Salami, lasagne, pizza, gelati, bunga bunga party," Violet drawls.

"OK... What other characters have you got?" RuPaul asks.

This is, how you say in Italian? A FUCKIN' SITUATION.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, Max doing a bit of this...

This is my default reaction to everything from now on.

...and suddenly, it's here! The moment has arrived!

IT'S SNATCH GAME TIME!

* The two guest contestants are some actor I've never heard of and Tamar Braxton, who doesn't say "GET YO LIFE" a la Roxxy Andrews so I immediately lose interest.

* First on the block is Max as Drag Race Season 4 winner, Holy Six Pack member and general Queen of Everything, Sharon Needles:

Or Jinkx Monsoon dressed as Sharon Needles for Halloween. Either or.

* "Have you been to any good seances lately?" RuPaul asks her.

"I just got back from one!" she says brightly, before a nasty old editor cuts her punchline off and runs cutaways of everyone looking awkward. WE CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU PIECES OF WORK #MAX4LYFE.

* Next is Jaidynn Diore Fierce as Raven Symone:

On account of me having been born before 1994, I can't tell if this is accurate or not.

* Then there's Katya as Suze Orman, and... yeah. You know.

It's fine.

* Next up is Violet Chachki, whose last minute decision to ditch Versace to impersonate Drag Race alum Alyssa Edwards has proved to be an inspired move. She might sound like Alyssa after a Valium binge, but the bitch has got the moves down.

Alyssa's secret is that she had those chins surgically implanted.

* Moving on to Pearl, and look, I've seen better Nicki Minaj impersonations but it's not that bad, and... what?

Oh. Sorry.

* Next to her is Miss Fame, who has also decided to ditch the Donatella Versace character for an amazingly accurate impression of a Russian nightclub door bitch:

Called... Donatella Versace. Huh. Well THAT'S a weird coincidence!

* "Now tell me, is it pronounced 'ver-sayse' or 'ver-satchi'?" RuPaul asks her.

"It depends where you come from, I don't mind," says Miss Fame Versace.

Shut up, this is not the same thing as Max.

* Moving right along to.... OH YES! YASSSSSS!

CAN I GET AN AMEN UP IN HERE?

* And finally we have Ginger Minj (wow, remember her? Where the hell has she been this episode?) with pop singer turned wife-and-mum-who-we'll-probably-never-hear-from-again Adele.

Rolling in the deep... fryer.

* FIRST QUESTION: "Quentin Tarantino is making a new version of the Wizard of Oz. In this version, Dorothy BLANKS the Tin Man," says RuPaul.

"She KILLS him!" says Tamar Braxton.

That tumbleweed works hard for the money.

* "She tightens the screws, cos we all love a tight screw A-WOOOOO!" trills Little Kennedy Davenport.

"A-WOOOOOOO! SHUT UP!"

YOU CANNOT TELL ME THIS WAS A BAD DECISION.

* Jaidynn Raven Fierce attempts to locate the off-screen teleprompter containing her jokes, is not successful.

I do not know what this is. Is it a thing? 

* Adele's Minj defies all the characteristics of being American by managing a convincing cockney accent and being funny, wins all the points.

* "House down Versace boots!" exclaims Miss Fame Versace, who clearly thought the question was "Four random words together that make no sense are BLANK".

* NEXT QUESTION: "Rumour has it they're making a gay version of Batman and Robin in which they convert the Bat Cave into a BLANK," says RuPaul.

"HAUNTED HOUSE!" exclaims Max Needles.

OK, I'm prepared to admit that was not great.

* "A BATH HOUSE AND A DARK ROOM WITH GLORY HOLES, A-WOOOOOO!" trills Little Kennedy Davenport, as I consider just how different defamation law is in the US compared to Australia.

* Moving on to... oh not this shit again.

She should have just done TS Madison and been done with it.

* NEXT QUESTION: "Portia De Rossi says Ellen is so funny even her BLANK makes her laugh," says RuPaul.

"Her COINS!" says Tamar Braxton.

At this point I think it's fair to say Tamar should have to lip sync for her life tonight.

* Max Needles says "temper tantrums, because Ellen never has temper tantrums".

I couldn't afford to pay the tumbleweed's overtime, so have this instead. It's pretty much the correct response to this "joke".

Adele's Minj makes a few more fat jokes, Big Pearl juggles her big pearls, Max Needles searches in vain for a punchline and Little Kennedy Davenport screams "A-WOOOO!" a few more times and with that, it's back to the Werq Room to prepare for the elimination runway.

Actually, it's back to the Werq Room for Katya to have an emotional therapy session with Miss Fame about drug addiction and anxiety and it's all a bit heavy so... I dunno, look at this for a bit longer:

A-WOOOOO.

On a positive note, all of this Katya introspection probably means she's going to make it into the top three. Yay!

But enough of all this real, heartfelt emotion. Pull yourself together and slap some god damn glitter on that heartache - this is Drag Race, dammit! And...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!


* In honour of this week's episode being sponsored by National Ocean Safety Awareness Month, RuPaul comes dressed as this lifejacket:

Wait, that's not a buoy!

* Michelle Visage has also joined in the theme:

She's brought her own flotation devices.

* Sadly the producers have missed the opportunity to make tonight's runway theme "water sports", instead opting for "leather and lace" which is neither a) funny nor b) anything to do with ocean safety. However it should result in some hideous outfits so I guess it'll do.

* First up is Ginger Minj, who has just dropped in on her way to a costume party dressed as Jaidynn Diore Fierce in fancy dress as Elvis:

The bodysuit, the sparkly bra, the bouffant hairdo... AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS?

* Not to be outdone, Katya shows up as Britney Spears circa 2035:

That therapy hasn't worked out, then.

* Followed by Kennedy Davenport as Oprah from her new cable TV show "Oprah's S&M Party":

"You get a whip! And YOU get a whip! And YOU, and YOU, and YOU get a whip!"

* Meanwhile, it seems the other queens finally got sick of Violet Chachki's whining:

She's much more tolerable like this.

* Then out comes Max who has ditched the "dust-ass" grey wig for...

A cobweb. Hey, it'll probably make Michelle happy.

* Seeing Max's cobweb headpiece and assuming the runway theme is "Spring cleaning", Jaidynn Diore Fierce cuts up a Glad trashbag, sews it onto one leg of an XXXL surgical stocking and trots out looking a whole $1.50:

Not even the recycling depot would take this.

* Demonstrating Sasha Belle levels of comprehension, Jaidynn describes the top half of her dress, which is at least 10 shades lighter than her skin tone, as a "nude illusion". Unless she actually said "new delusion", in which case - correct.

* Then there's Pearl, wearing something totally new and different - a personality!

It's like Sandra Dee on meth (which, incidentally, would have made Grease a whole lot more interesting).

* Then there's Miss Fame, looking like Fran Drescher got a job hosting a BDSM night in the East Village:

Look, if you're going to get a chemical peel on your neck on elimination day, wear a scarf or something, OK?

* Meanwhile, BEHOLD:

THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE 7!

* "The shape of your hair is a little too triangular," Michelle Visage tells Ginger Minj.

"And your tits look like potato sacks but I don't say nothin to you!"

* Michelle Visage loves Miss Fame's outfit.

I CAN'T THINK WHY.

* Everybody loves Kennedy Davenport.

Because of course.

* Michelle praises Max for ditching her grey hair, which is shortly followed by Ross Matthews telling Max he misses her grey hair.

SMDH.

* Michelle begins to read Max for her drastic Sharon Needles impression in the Snatch Game, so Max halts proceedings the only way she knows how - by taking off her clothes and staging an impromptu musical on the stairs:

It's an avant garde, post apocalyptic version of Sesame Street's "Halfway Down the Stairs".

* Tamar Braxton tells Jaidynn her look "falls flat", which is quite an accomplishment for someone with that many curves.

* "Once it was funny, the second time it was cute, the rest of the time it died," says Michelle, which coincidentally is exactly what critics said about Seduction's first and only album.

Michelle laments the fact that Miss Fame's Snatch Game performance wasn't funny.

Meanwhile, everyone else checks to make sure these are still working.

There's some more deliberation and then the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after having failed once again to gain a decent corporate sponsor, is this week supported by RuPaul's latest merchandising venture, Ru's Real Dolls.

Their latest model, the RuBot 2600, has six working holes and comes with its own disinfectant spray.

Kennedy Davenport is declared the winner of the Snatch Game...

Because DER.

...as is Ginger Minj in a history making DOUBLE WIN!

So I guess tonight was a win for the little AND the big people, am I right?

Yeah, yeah, OK.

One by one all the queens are sent back to the safe zone to drink their one standard issue cocktail in the lounge (what, you think this show is made of money?) until we're left with just two: Jaidynn Diore Fierce (sure) and... oh no. OH NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But there's nothing for it. RuPaul has made her decision, and a lip sync battle to the death must be fought. BLOOD MUST BE SPILLED. Things will get messy.

Fortunately Jaidynn will be able to clean the place up with her Glad trash bag dress afterwards.

RuPaul pulls out her Discman, presses shuffle and comes up with "No More Lies" by Michel'le, a late '80s pop singer who had a short lived career after she was arrested for crimes against apostrophes. 

Max and Jaidynn start strutting and mugging about the stage in their leather and lace, in a performance reminiscent of the North Kankakee Players' production of Rocky Horror last Easter.

But with slightly less stagecraft.

They both try their hardest but it's clear Jaidynn's Magenta is outplaying Max's Frank N Furter, which may be the first time that sentence has ever been committed to print.

In the end, the decision is obvious. But still bullshit.

Max must sashay away.

I REITERATE.

Farewell, lovely Max, my favourite, my one, my reason for losing $50 on a bet on the final three (THANKS BITCH).

Any last words?

"Blah blah blah I'm fucking fabulous so eat it."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

BUT WAIT - RuPaul has something to say!

"I fear I have made a terrible mistake, that I've let one of the eliminated queens go home too soon - I'm just not sure which one," she says.

OH HEY TRIXIE SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

Ready? Quench your thirst and move on to EPISODE EIGHT. Or go back in time and read EPISODE SIX again! Whatever, totes your choice.



22 comments :

  1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! OH MAX :(

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  2. Great recap btw. Excuse my outburst, I just can't get over Max no longer being on RPDR7 :(

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    Replies
    1. I CAN'T EITHER I AM BESIDE MYSELF COME BACK MAX!!

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    2. I'm devastated by the loss of Max. I'm also stunned by how badly she screwed it up....I kinda had her down mentally as 'Good but not winner' for Snatch Game. As soon as she said Disney Sharon though..........I felt the doom clutching at my heart.

      Whilst I did like 'Little Richard', I have to say its bulls*t that Kennedy was safe last week - whereas Max has literally one bad day and goes home.

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    3. I'm devastated by the loss of Max. I'm also stunned by how badly she screwed it up....I kinda had her down mentally as 'Good but not winner' for Snatch Game. As soon as she said Disney Sharon though..........I felt the doom clutching at my heart.

      Whilst I did like 'Little Richard', I have to say its bulls*t that Kennedy was safe last week - whereas Max has literally one bad day and goes home.

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    4. I'm over Kennedy. It may be the editing but there is very much a "I'll behave and look/act professional" side in front of Ru and then there's the hell bitch side. Actually that's not fair to hell bitches.

      WHY DID YOU GO ALL CRAPPY DISNEY, MAX? WHY????????

      Delete
  3. YAY! it's finally here! I've been pathetically checking back every day to see if you'd posted it and here it is. Thank you so much! I'm sad that Max went home too, but I could see it coming. I just had a feeling in my water, as my Nan says.

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  4. R.I.P. Max =(

    Snatch games are kinda touch & go with me. Usually there are a few stand outs each season while everyone else sucked--this season mediocre and then everyone else sucked.

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  5. Two quick things only because I'm not sure if it was humor or not, but:

    1. Michael Urie was an actor on Ugly Betty. He was a secondary character who was a gay assistant at a fashion magazine who was best friends with the bitchy receptionist. It's probably what he's most known for in the states.

    2. Raven Symone was on a Disney Channel show called "That's so Raven" which aired from 2003-2007, in which her character saw psychic visions of the future at least once per episode, and while doing so would make a goofy face similar to the one Jaidynn was making. It's probably the most well known thing she's done after the Cosby Show.

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  6. Also, on the gif of Pearl smoking, it doesn't necessarily have to be a crack pipe, as one would make the same motions when smoking weed out of a glass pipe.

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  7. It's about time you posted this! I live for your wonderful recaps!

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  8. "For the uninitiated: What are you doing here, exactly? Seriously, is this fun for you? Reading about a show you don't even watch? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"

    Even though RPDR is the only TV I watch, I've been considering reading the rest of your recaps because you're that good.

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  9. Honestly your own "Wait, that's not a buoy!" joke was the funniest thing we've heard all snatch game.

    Still hoping we see Max back next week. Ru has made some terrible mistakes this season.

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  10. You do the best recap of anyone! Look forward to them every week.Max claims on Twitter that the corset incident happened during another contestants critique,and that the singing part happened during a time out.So if this is true,it's really shady editing.If you watch that part,the cutting does look choppy.It wouldn't surprise me.This business of us letting them know what queen we want back is BS.Everything but the finale has already been taped months ago.

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  11. Bad friend sez-
    Soooo. .that was Snatch Game series 7.
    I liked some of the accessories they wore ( coff )..
    But you made it funny Petstarr, yes you did with your observations, gifs and tumble weeds. Thank God.
    This has been an unusual series, this series 7. So far I haven't felt a glimmer of who could be the series winner; plus my likes and dislikes have swapped and switched; plus there's been some odd eliminations, plus the yoicks and glamor have been pretty thin on the ground.
    Was I sad that Max left? (Dunno after that little music number.)
    Ginger Minj for series winner? ( Meh. )
    Are Violet and Fame growing on me? (Not sure. Maybe.)
    I know I like Katya.
    And well, well, well, we have a returning queen. I'm a rootin' for Trixie.
    Here's the options available-
    •Tempest Dejour - ( we hardly knew you, a saggy nude, dances with noodle arms )
    -Could be ok.
    • Eliminated Queen Number 2 (Sassy Sue? Doreen? Breeds terriers? )
    - No.
    • Jasmine. ( Mush mouth from Fat Albert. Big cocoon girl. Has one nice dress)
    - Please no.
    • Trixie. ( A plucky gal, wrongly dismissed. Looks good in a beard )
    - Totes. Please. Yes.
    • Mrs Kasha Davis ( loves a cocktail, does a great Joan Rivers, could be Stanford from Sex and the City.)
    - Mmmm...yeah.
    • Kandy Ho ( nice clothes, beardy face. That is all )
    - Mmmm....nuh.
    • Max (a kind, artistic queen, likes grey hair; sorta pale and skinny)
    - My 2nd choice.
    However Drag Race belongs to Rupaul and Rupaul likes to surprise and Doesn't Do Convention. It could even be the return of Santino Rice for gods sake.
    (Or Lil Pound Cake...)
    Prepare for disappointment.

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    Replies
    1. Lil Pound Cake FTW!!!

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  12. Bad friend sez -
    Actually I think best way to choose the returning Queen is to have some sort of competition, to have the Eliminated Queens vying for reentry (a la Masterchef). Some sort of challenge showcasing the said queens -

    • Charisma - Likability
    • Uniqueness - Originality
    • Nerve - Intensity
    • Talent - Skills
    • Humor - Laughs
    • Attractiveness - Appeal
    • Intelligence - Nous
    • Resolve - Energy

    ( The column on the right is for Max )
    I suggest a Trixie look alike competition, failing that, the 'How Long Can You Hold Katie Hopkins Over A Cliff While Beating Your Face Super Challenge' or even the 'Lets Make Tony Abbott Nervous Without Using Your Hands-a-thon'.

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    1. Bad friend sez-
      Ok not to spoil too much but there WAS a "return queen competition" ( alas , no Katie Hopkins dangling over a cliff) and an AWESOME QUEEN returned . Petstarr - are u a bit psychic? It was a freaking competition -Anyone coulda won. Even whatsizqueen Sassy (or whatever her name is).

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  13. Katya's comment about not wanting to fail at what she does best was referring to her Russian persona, as Ru asked her why she wasn't doing a Russian character, not Suze Orman.

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