Friday, April 24, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 7, Episode 8

We begin this week's episode in the Werq Room where everyone is dealing with the loss of Max at last week's runway.


ACTUAL STILL FROM SHOW.

But the wailing and gnashing of teeth quickly comes to a stop when they all remember when RuPaul said Trixie Mattel was coming back  he'd be bringing back one of the eliminated queens.

WHO COULD IT BE?

"What about Jasmine Masters?" says Ginger Minj.

"What about Kandy Ho?" says Miss Fame.

"What if we're each given one million dollars and a blow job from the Pit Crew?" says Katya, who rightly assumes they're all just listing impossible outcomes.

"Can we just say that like, we'll all band together and go on strike?" moans Ginger Minj, before hopping in the Mystery Machine and zooming off to solve another ghost-related crime.

Velma circa 2035.

All this considered whingeing is suddenly interrupted by the familiar sounds of RuPaul violently suffocating to death under the weight of a thousand wigs, signalling the arrival of another Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail!

"Be careful, my pretties. What goes around comes around, and that bitch that you threw under the bus just might be the one driving the Greyhound next time your ass needs a ride," gasps RuPaul in his last 10 seconds of life.

Of course, by this he means Trixie Mattel is coming back  one of the eliminated queens is coming back. Everyone looks shocked and nervous, despite the fact that this entire series has been so shade-free everyone's developed skin cancer, and no one has even attempted to throw anyone under a bus, metaphorically or otherwise.

Also just quietly, this is the only bus you should ever throw a drag queen under.

Suddenly a variety of the below happens:

a) The lights flicker,
b) The walls shake,
c) The floor opens up and releases a wave of hellspawn that begin terrorising West Hollywood,
d) Miss Fame launches into an impromptu impression of Muhammad Ali on poppers,

"I'M TOO PRETTY! I'M SUPERNATURALLY PRETTY! I AM THE GREATEST!"

e) RuPaul's disembodied head enters the room,

He shoulda quit while he was a head.

f) Followed by Latrice Royale's body.

That's not a baton, that's a black pudding and she's about to EAT IT.

Wait.

IS THIS THE ELIMINATED QUEEN WHO IS RETURNING?

IS LATRICE THE NEW SHANGELA?

Whatever the situation, everyone is thrilled to see the Drag Race season 4 alum make her return to the set.

"IT'S LIKE SEEING SHARON STONE EXCEPT FAT AND BLACK!" says Katya.

Other things seeing Latrice Royale is like:

A cat on a bicycle!
But fat and black and human.


Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson eating ice cream!
But fat and black and occasionally funny.


A pineapple shaped hat!
But fat and black and not a hat.

Someone has obviously identified that Netflix show "Orange is the New Black" is a thing, because RuPaul announces "Orange is the New Drag" (SO clever) and then forces everyone to bedazzle some prison uniforms while Latrice wanders around slapping her baton.

"I never expected to be in jail," gasps Katya, ripping into the crotch of a jumpsuit.

"You didn't think looking the way you look was a crime?" spits Latrice.

Still got it.

The queens tear into their prison costumes like it's closing time at the club and they're made of vodka, and after a hot session of gluing, ripping and stitching...

IT'S PRISON FASHION SHOW TIME!

* Ginger Minj brings new meaning to the word "teabagging":

Now you just need to get her hot and wet.

* As does Pearl, because it's hard to be original when you don't have a personality:

In other news: it's great to see Adore Delano trying a new style!

* Katya tries out a new look..

...AS SOMETHING FROM MY NIGHTMARES.

* Violet refuses to display any sense of comedy whatsoever:

"Be funny? NO. I WILL NOT."

* Kennedy literally can't be bothered:

"Yeah yeah, prison fashion blah blah whatever. Are we done yet?"

* Jaidynn looks like a basketball that's burst from over inflation:

A very slutty basketball.

* And apparently Paris Hilton got arrested again:

It's so sad how they don't let them wear makeup in prison though.

* Meanwhile, feast your eyes on this buffet of style:

Which one is Ruby Rose?

Despite looking like a junkie hooker that fought a battle with a homeless man's blanket and lost, Kennedy Davenport is declared the winner, and receives her prize: a puff of air collected from RuPaul's private bathroom. She will treasure it forever.

But enough of all this jail baiting, who's the eliminated queen that's coming back?

"Are you ready?" asks RuPaul, as they all look to the door at the top of the stairs, eyes wide, breath bated.

The lights flicker, the ground trembles, the walls shake (although, to be fair, that happens all the time - they're made of fabric).

It's....

It's...

What a thrilling conclusion to this week long mystery.

Yes, it's Trixie Mattel, just like everybody nobody expected!

"But wait a minute," says RuPaul, as the walls start to shake again, and in walks Tempest DuJour.

Uh yeah, OK. That IS actually a surprise.

"You know, I've got the sneaking feeling..." Ru continues.

NEK MINIT.

Yes, all seven eliminated queens have returned. Clearly season seven of Drag Race is to continue forever, with contestants being eliminated and then brought back in a never ending loop, like RuPaul's Seventh Circle of Hell, with everyone dying of old age until the winner emerges as the last one left standing without medical assistance. I can't wait for the live finale, with RuPaul rolling down the runway in a wheelchair and Michelle Visage just a cryogenically preserved head in a jar.

Alas, sadly that isn't quite the case; Ru has brought everyone back but only one will stay, to be determined by a group challenge because that seems totally fair and not arbitrary at all.

"Each of you will be paired with an eliminated queen and you'll be in charge of making her over as your conjoined twin," he tells the girls.

"The eliminated queen in the winning pair will return to the competition."

"So wait, what you're basically saying is if I don't want my paired queen to return to the competition, I should just do a shitty job of this challenge?"

Everyone gets into pairs and the twin resemblances are already uncanny: Violet and Max (both skinny weirdos), Katya and Mrs Kasha Davis (both funny weirdos), Pearl and Trixie (both just weirdos), and... Jaidynn and Tempest DuJour.

I guess this makes Jaidynn the Danny Devito of drag now, huh?

Everyone gets to work on designing their conjoined twin outfits, and Violet and Max decide to be joined at the torso, wrapped together in a single corset.

"That reminds me: Ginger, can we borrow one of your corsets?"

Over at Miss Fame's table, Kandy Ho is finding it hard to get a word in.

"Miss Fame talks so much. Her answers are paragraphs!" she gasps.

This is a real concern for someone who is still mastering single sentences.

"Fame you've talked about being too cerebral, and just being too much in your own head - actually, how is your head?" asks RuPaul.

"Yeah you know, I was talking with..." begins Miss Fame.

BITCH, HAVE YOU SERIOUSLY NEVER HEARD THAT JOKE BEFORE?

"YOU JUST MISSED THAT JOKE," says RuPaul, who after not one, not two, but now three attempts at this joke with Fame has finally cracked.

"I've said that to you several times - 'how's your head' - you need to listen," he continues, as Fame nods sagely.

"So I'm going to ask you again: Miss Fame, how's your head?"

"Fine!" says Fame.

That is not how the joke goes.

Over on the other side of the room, Ginger Minj and her partner Sasha Belle are planning to be twins joined at the boobs.

"Girl, y'all better not try to have kids, no kid's gonna wanna suck on them titties," says Jasmine Masters, because as drag queens with giant foam breasts, the needs of one's hypothetical children are a very real consideration.

"We're ageing hookers from Atlantic City joined at the vagina!" declare Katya and Mrs Kasha Davis.

"..."

"Jasmine Masters, how happy are you to be back?" asks RuPaul.

"Just as happy as a ship full of sailors and one hot hooker," Jasmine says, which isn't so much a saying as it is a description of a crime scene.

"Kennedy, why did you choose Jasmine?" RuPaul asks.

Um, Ru. It's a "twins" challenge. Just saying.

Meanwhile, things appear to be breaking down between Ginger and Sasha.

"I'm doing everything on my own - I need to take a moment to process my feelings before I go all Yosemite Sam and explode," snaps Ginger.

Yeah... maybe too late.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, Jasmine shouting "COCOON" a few times... and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where all the queens are dragging and gasbagging in preparation for the runway.

They start talking about their childhood, and their parents, and it all gets a bit heavy when Trixie announces she was forcibly removed from her home by police due to her abusive stepfather. And then Tempest admits she once tried to "reverse" her homosexuality.

"I did the whole reparative therapy thing, like, trying to turn straight," Tempest says.

Reparative therapy: helping to create drag queens since 1923!

God, someone get me a scotch on the rocks, it's all gone a bit noir in here. Thank god...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In keeping with the twins theme, RuPaul has come dressed... in... this...

...entirely basic dress. Well... I guess everyone needs a night off occasionally.

* Fortunately Michelle Visage is there to pick up the slack:

She brought her own twins along.

* Much hyped new season seven judge Carson Kressley is also there...

...in costume as Ross Matthews.

* Also on the panel tonight are special guest judges Nelsan Ellis from hot gay vampire show True Blood and Leanne Rimes, who once sang a song about coyotes or something, all of which makes complete sense.

* First up on the runway are Miss Fame and Kandy Ho, aka Fame-Ho, as a couple of plastic surgery tragics who have stapled themselves together at the hip:

In other news: it's so good to see Paris and Nicole are friends again!

* Then there's Jaidynn and Tempest, who have just stopped in on their way to an audition for a role in the upcoming disco era remake of "The Human Centipede":

It's a feelgood film.

* Coincidentally, Katya and Mrs Kasha Davis are also on their way to a film audition - this time for a new sexy sci-fi version of "Annie" set in space, where Miss Hannigan has been reinvented as a fembot clone:

It's called "ANNIE 2050: A Hard Cock Life".

* Next up are Kennedy Davenport and Jasmine Masters as two sisters tragically bound together forever after accidentally putting on the same spandex leg warmer:

Yes, they could just take it off, but they've gotten used to it now.

* They're followed by Pearl and Trixie Mattel, who have come as extras from an Aphex Twin video:

Also, my nightmares.

* And then there's Violet and Max as a pair of showgirls joined at the torso:

Their collective waist measurement is still smaller than Ginger's.

* And then there's Ginger Minj and Sasha Belle, who look like Peggy Bundy after a failed cloning experiment:

Although that depends on your definition of "failed", I guess...

* Michelle reads Fame and Kandy Ho for having an unoriginal look.

"It's kind of been done a few times on Drag Race, the whole plastic surgery thing," she says.

Yeah, you don't say...

* "Hey Miss Fame, how's your head?" asks RuPaul.

Oh here we go...

Can she do it...

Here it comes...

"I've never had any complaints!" says Miss Fame.

YEAH YOU DID!

* Leann Rimes says something, everyone pretends to care.

* "OH MY GOD, IT TOOK VIOLET TO GET MAX TO GIVE ME WHAT I WANTED!" screams Michelle, who in her rapture over Max's blonde wig has obviously forgotten that time she wore a black wig, you know, LAST WEEK WHEN SHE GOT ELIMINATED?

* Meanwhile, can I just say HOW MUCH I AM DYING FOR THIS?

UGH. SO MUCH FABULOUS IT HURTS.

* "I feel like there was a lot of pressure to come out here with something that would make us bust a gut, and you didn't do that," says Ross, which is ironic because neither has he.

* Also, can I just point out:

I HAVE BEEN FEELING THIS ALL SEASON AND NOW IT'S COME TRUE.
(Also: if you don't know this reference, you need to educate yourself child)

* Michelle Visage reads Ginger Minj for having "something white" on the bottom of her boobs, which is funny because usually for Ginger that's a sign she's done everything right.

* Ross says he doesn't mind Ginger and Sasha's outfit because it was giving him a "John Waters vibe".

Oh yeah, I can see that.

* Ross says he wishes Kennedy and Jasmine had connected at the head.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"I HAVEN'T HAD ANY COMPLAINTS!"

There's some more deliberation and the queens all return from the backstage lounge which, after once again failing to secure a big name sponsor this week is supported by Big Kev's Dine-And-Dash in Pensacola, Florida. Big Kev's Dine-And-Dash - for when you want a classy night out, but can't afford one.

Then in a surprise akin to cracking open an egg and finding the contents both yellow AND white, Pearl is declared the winner of the twin challenge, scoring a weekend away in New York! Where she lives! DON'T GO CRAZY NOW, PEARL.

Of course this means everyone's favourite eliminee (apart from Max, obvs) Trixie Mattel is officially back in the competition!

I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THIS EVENTUALITY.

Two by two the queens get sent back to the safe zone, like some perverted version of Noah's Ark, until it's just down to... wait.

It's down to four?

So...

Oh dear.

PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE BEST LIP SYNC BATTLE OF ALL TIME.

Place your bets.

If you think lip syncing is hard, try doing it while attached to a recalcitrant drag queen who no longer cares about any of this crap and just wants to go home.

That's where Jaidynn and Ginger are at when the music starts - it's Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" (I see what you did there, RuPaul).

Looking like Phil Spector and Chaka Khan who accidentally used superglue instead of lube, Jaidynn and Tempest give new meaning to lyrics like "Look at the way we gotta hide what we're doin', cause what would they say if they ever knew".

They would say "DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP".

Ginger and Sasha whip out a pair of scissors (don't ask where they'd been hiding THOSE) and give themselves a double mastectomy in a performance reminiscent of that weird German autopsy show, before running around the stage half naked like a couple of Muppets escaping a sex change operation.

I honestly can't even caption this.

In the end Jaidynn and Tempest's lycra disco anal simulation is no match for Ginger and Sasha's topless muppet sex party, and Jaidynn is told to sashay away.

Farewell Jaidynn. Any last words?

"I just got screwed on national TV."

Well that's it for this week! Now go on and read EPISODE NINE! Or go back in time and read EPISODE SEVEN.



9 comments :

  1. Love your blog so much. I wish the queens had your sense of humor. Are you loving Katya more? Have you watched her Rugrets?

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  2. MAXXXXXXXXXXX ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

    Oh and awesome recap, so fricken funny!!

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  3. The Asian woman in that first picture you posted about Max leaving looks suspiciously like Gia Gunn

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  4. LOVE these postings...Hysterical!...I look forward to it every week...Thank you!

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  5. Look forward to these so much every week!

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  6. Bad friend sez -
    Why o why did Jaidynn and Tempest go with the yucky Disco Human Centipede and not do Vivacious and Ornacia? I was yelling at the tv in frustration. Neithertheless I really loved this episode, a crowded werq room, banter/shade and hints of tragic lives are what RPDR is all about.
    The highlights-
    Pearl as Lil Pound Cake in jail
    Latrice Royale
    The fabulousness of Violetmax
    The return of Trixie
    The Uniboob
    Lowlights -
    Rupaul's dress, hospital sheet couture
    Leanne Rimes
    The Uniboob
    Anyway I thought it was an excellent episode and a great recap.

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    Replies
    1. The only thing that would have made it better would have been Kennedy Davenport and Banshee Masters being told to 'sashay away' or, in my dream scenario, 'get the f*** out of here'

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  7. Your recaps get better and better ~ hilarious!

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  8. OMG, so funny. I can't wait for the next recap :)

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