Thursday, April 02, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Recap: Season 7, Episode 5

It's episode five on RuPaul's Drag Race, and everyone is totally over Trixie Mattel's completely fair and not 100 per cent nonsensical elimination last week.


Seriously, everyone is fine with it, even the Holy Trinity:

See?

She just got something in her eye.



Well... yeah, that about sums it up.

So everyone is standing around being totally OK with everything and not confused at all by a really bewildering and dumb decision and completely happy with the way the series is going, and Pearl starts to wipe Trixie's farewell message off the mirror which includes the instruction "Wear clown noses and make fun of each other".

"Are clown boobs OK?"

After Pearl the human valium skated through elimination for the second time in a row the shade in the Werq Room is so strong the producers have to bring in emergency lighting.

"This may sound like old lady bullshit, but after trying for this for seven years and somebody is like 'uh f*** this' - that pisses me off," snaps Mrs Kasha Davis.

"Pearl I'm sorry you didn't like your criticisms, but BUCK UP, BUTTERCUP," she continues.

Meanwhile, as this is the most screen time Kasha has had in five episodes, probably get ready to say goodbye tonight.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where Katya and Ginger Minj are doing a special presentation of their new experimental play "Kama Sutra: The Musical":

Act One, scene one: The Wheelbarrow.

Spying her moment to make it big on Broadway, Violet Chachki roots through the dress-up box and throws together a quick costume to audition for the role of "virginal teenage lesbian".

"Oh you look like a boy scout!" shrieks Miss Fame.

I was getting more of a "Hollywood sex offender" vibe, myself.

Just as Katya and Ginger begin disrobing for the pivotal "peanut butter scene" (well I did say it was experimental), the familiar sounds of RuPaul being strangled with pantyhose ring out through the air - it's time for an Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail!

"Whether you're snatching wigs or trophies, you'd better have one huge pair of Golden Globes," RuPaul says via video link.

"But aren't we supposed to tuck them?" whispers Katya, confused.

She's only excited about this challenge because she thought RuPaul said "golden arches".

Suddenly Kennedy Davenport drops to the floor and begins shaking and moaning like Oprah at a Weight Watcher's meeting when they run out of Two Point Coconut Delight Bars, and the lights begin to flicker as a chill goes through the studio. A bookcase crashes to the floor sending wigs flying as Max starts climbing the walls shrieking "CTHULHU R'LYEH!", barely drowning out the sounds of Miss Fame's hysterical crying. Somewhere, a dog barks.

The door at the top of the stairs creaks open and...

It's RuPaul obviously, who, in an effort to secure snack food company Mondelez International as a sponsor for the show, has come dressed as a Terry's Chocolate Orange:

They spent this year's costume budget on those figurines, you'll have to use your imagination.

RuPaul announces this week's mini challenge is to create "classic celebrity red carpet outfits" out of paper, because some guy did that on Instagram once and it was very impressive, or something.

Meanwhile, I don't know that it's very environmentally responsible to dress Ginger Minj in paper.

PAPER CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL

* Recreating celebrity looks in paper is a cute idea, but if they're going to copy some crap from Instagram they might as well stick to what Instagram does best - terrible food photos.

* Kandy Ho wraps Ginger Minj in purple tinfoil, creates an abomination to the lord:

Nailed it.

Equivalent terrible food photo:

Although Ginger's frank isn't as obvious.


* Jaidynn Dior Fierce and Kennedy Davenport try to recreate Lady Gaga's meat dress...

...and end up looking like a smashed pinata.

Equivalent bad Instagram food photo:

The finish is perhaps a little better on here, though.

Violet and Miss Fame get paired up to recreate Jennifer Lopez's famous green Versace gown from the 2000 Grammies...

...and end up looking more like the time Jennifer Love Hewitt got caught in a shredder.

Equivalent gross food photo:

It's always good to separate your rices.

* Seriously, even Cartman's hand version of J-Lo on South Park looked more convincing:

Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.

* Moving on to Pearl and Max, who are tasked with recreating this outfit from Cher:

If Cher ever branched out into a line of disposable S&M wear, this is what it would look like.

Equivalent terrible food photo:

Just needs another minute, I reckon.

* And finally it's Katya and Mrs Kasha Davis with their version of Bjork's infamous swan dress:

I'd like to be snarky but really, you can't fault this can you? It's pretty great.
Sorry, everyone.

Equivalent bad food photo:

A photo posted by Mark Adlam (@_markadlam_) on
It's OK, Katya's used to this much head.

* Mrs Kasha Davis even desecrates the dead by dressing up as Joan Rivers and throwing shade at Pearl, so I think it's safe to say they've won at life, if not the challenge:

A dead ringer!
(Too soon?)

As it turns out Katya and Kasha do win the challenge - but instead of being lavished with gifts and cash prizes as is the custom on other so-called "legitimate" TV shows, RuPaul announces their reward is... to compete in the next challenge!

And they are overjoyed.

"You're invited to the most prestigious awards show of the season - the first annual DESPY Awards!" declares RuPaul.

So overjoyed.

Yes, the queens will have to stay in their pairs (because GOD FORBID WE HAVE A SOLO CHALLENGE AT ALL THIS SEASON, RIGHT RUPAUL?) to present awards at some ceremony RuPaul just made up.

No clue is given as to what "despy" means or stands for. Is it some sort of youth slang for "desperate"? Like "Yo brah, stop acting so totes despy, it's tradge"? And if so, will Laganja Estranja win all the awards?

Is it a typo, and actually they're going to be giving awards to the world's despots?

Kim Jong Un has already prepared his acceptance speech.

But in a surprise akin to cracking open an egg and finding the contents both white AND yellow, the Despy Awards turn out to be for drag queens, with prizes for the sexiest, "most busted" and shadiest, as well as for the "meatiest tuck".

The Honorary Joslyn Fox Award for Meatiest Tuck, sponsored by Conroy's Smallgoods.

Miss Fame and Violet sit down and get to work on writing some comedy zingers for their part of the presentation, and it's a bit like watching two store mannequins try to do number theory.

Well, at least they know their limits.

Given they're both about as funny as angina, this process does not go well.

"I think my ideas are decent, and you're just like 'no'," snips Violet.

"Well if you think they're funny, then present them in a comical way," says Miss Fame.

"Bitch, I'm wearing this hat, how much more comical do you want?"

BREAKING NEWS: This episode proudly brought to you by the Red Bandanna Advisory Board of California:

Seriously, were they giving them away free this week?

"What's your chemistry like?" RuPaul asks Violet and Miss Fame.

"Oh you know like when oxygen meets nitrogen? It's like that."

Over at Jaidynn and Kennedy's table the jokes are flowing thick and fast as they write their speech for the "Sexy Sexy Drag Queen" award.

"Tonight... ladies and gentlemen... we are here to present the Sexy Sexy Drag Queen... award," says Kennedy.

HILARIOUS!

"'And the nominees are'...?" suggests Jaidynn.

"No!" snaps Kennedy, because why would you follow up such an incredible introduction with something so predictable?

Meanwhile, in the other corner of the room, RuPaul is limbering up and putting on his sneakers to join in the official Werq Room sport: throwing shade at Pearl.

"Max you have a very big personality, Pearl you do NOT have a very big personality," he says.

Pearl reacts in her usual, over the top way.

"Pearl, the reason I'm twisting your tits here is because you were in the bottom last week and I want to make sure that this week you up the ante," RuPaul says.

"Well... you kind of like... told me I had no personality... that doesn't make me feel good or give me confidence," Pearl says. (Or more accurately, the words sort of slide out of her mouth while she stares vacantly into the distance, which is sort of like talking.)

What follows is the most bizarre moment in Drag Race history (and that's including the time Willam spewed on stage, and when Tammie Brown randomly yelled "COME ON TELETUBBIE, TELEPORT US TO MARS!" at nobody in particular, and when Sasha Belle claimed to not understand the meaning of the word "nude").

It is this:
Awkward.

I wish Pearl hadn't been the first to break here, so this stare-down just could have gone on and on and on right through to the end of the episode and possibly the end of the entire series, or the world. They would have had to set up the runway around RuPaul's stony statue in the Werq Room and do the entire judging process with him just standing there, angrily staring at Pearl, with neither of them saying a word, and the camera just flicking back and forth between their faces as everyone tried to carry on forever, until they both died of starvation.

Coming next spring - RuPaul's Zombie Race!

Spotting her chance to star in a brand new reality series, Max attempts to push her brain out through her eye sockets:

"I will win that zombie crown, dammit!"

"This is a once in a lifetime opportunity," RuPaul says through gritted teeth, as laser beams shoot out of his eyes and set fire to the paper dress collection on the other side of the room.

Unfortunately Pearl is so busy trying to work out what's on her face she doesn't notice her imminent destruction and just says "Yeah, I'm aware of that", her eyes rolling so far back in her head she can see her own brain working.

It looks like this.

RuPaul raises his right hand in a claw, throws his head back and yells like the Nutri Grain guy as lightning bolts shoot out of his fingertips, destroying all electrical appliances within a three kilometre radius.

And Pearl is like:

"Seriously, is it ketchup?"

And RuPaul is like:

"That's all."

Realising that trying to knock sense into Pearl is like trying to teach a piece of cardboard to do the tango, RuPaul clicks his fingers and is gone in an angry puff of smoke.

"I feel very uncomfortable right now," says Max, coming out from behind the couch cushions.

"So... I DO have something on my face?"

We leave the smouldering remains of the Werq Room behind and head to the runway, where Katya and Mrs Kasha Davis are rehearsing their act in front of their mentor, season five winner Jinkx Monsoon. Oh no wait, it's Kathy Griffin.

You can understand the confusion.

"Ginger Minj is in the house," says Katya, running her script.

"Or as we like to call her, the Danny Devito of drag!"

"Danny Devito? That's like, the least gay reference I've ever heard in my life," scoffs Kathy Griffin, who may or may not understand what comedy is.

"THAT'S THE POINT, YOU MORON."

Next on stage are Kennedy Davenport and Jaidynn Dior Fierce with their routine "Girl's on first".

"Girl you look nice tonight!"

"Girl, you look nice, girl!"

"Girl you know what we look like, for real?"

"Girl, what?"

"The number 10!"

"Girl you trippin'!"


Girl.

Credit where it's due though: that number 10 joke was pretty solid.

Kathy Griffin says their routine is "half way there" (so like, five, I guess) and we move on to Miss Fame and Violet Chachki who get off to a great start with a joke about "cock floss", which I had to Google.

I highly recommend you don't - or at least, stick to Google image search.

Going by this result, they're not quite up to speed with street slang.

"I think it's a little too blue," Kathy Griffin says.

"But I'm wearing white?"

Fame and Violet go off to Google "what is blue humour" and we move on to Max and Pearl, whose face has just realised it's 2015 and time to get up.

Wake up, Pearl. WAKE UP.

For some reason Kathy thinks their opening gags about the audience being oily, smelly and classless don't quite hit the mark (I mean what is this, the Oscars?), so they wander off to Google "what is comedy" while Ginger Minj and Kandy Ho start running their script, which they apparently found in a museum.

A still from Ginger Minj and Kandy Ho's modern and edgy routine.

"I feel like it's a couple of drag queens throwing the same old shade at each other. Give me something new," Kathy Griffin says.

"DID SOMEBODY SAY 'BLUE'?" yells Miss Fame from offstage.

That Google search didn't quite work out.

Back in the Werq Room Pearl looks in the mirror, sees she doesn't have anything on her face, and finally realises what that whole thing with RuPaul was about earlier.

"Sometimes I do feel like I'm stuck in my shell," she sighs.

Hence the name.

But, just like always happens on this show, she's interrupted by a speech about chickens. AS USUAL.

"I love chickens, they're my favourite animal!" declares Miss Fame.

"I grew up on a farm with hundreds of chickens, and my job was to raise them to be beautiful and flawless for the fair."

Well, at least she's got a career to fall back on.

Miss Fame goes on to explain the intricacies of chicken judging, explaining: "You basically flip them upside down, show their asshole to the judge, and they say 'your bird's healthy'."

Which is coincidentally exactly what happened the last time Kathy Griffin was on the show.

Then she does an impression of a chicken, and honestly, is this segment still going?

I think you'll find this equation checks out.

But enough of all this fowl cock talk!

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In an effort to appeal to either or both Warner Bros and the Metropolitan Opera to come on board as sponsors, RuPaul comes dressed as Bugs Bunny performing in Wagner's Ring Cycle:

OK, it's a very niche reference, you're smart, you can work it out.

* Still plotting the Seduction 2016 Reunion Tour and desperate to sign a support act, Michelle Visage has come dressed as 1980s pop idol Terence Trent D'Arby in an attempt to woo him:

Look, just go with me here.

* And introducing special guest judge, Violet Chachki's hat!

She'll keep the queens in check!
GET IT?
(With gags like this, I could write for this show)

* And Ross Matthews is also there. So.... that's good.

* It's time for the DESPY Awards (whatever they are), so out come Mrs Kasha Davis and Katya dressed in wholly unremarkable sequinced dresses to kick off the proceedings.

"The talented Ginger Minj is here tonight, or as I like to refer to her - the Danny Devito of drag," says Katya.

Meanwhile, backstage.

* Katya calls Pearl "the drag equivalent of a Valium taking a Xanax in a K hole".

"But... I'm not medicine...?"

* Coincidentally that's exactly what their comedy is like too, so they shuffle off to the sound of no applause and we welcome Jaidynn and Kennedy Davenport, who I suspect may actually be really funny, no thanks to the editors of this program who have so far managed to make her look like Oprah with PMT.

* They're there to present the award for sexiest drag queen, so naturally Kennedy makes Jaidynn do an impression of a clock for no apparent reason. It's the best performance anyone has seen on this show since Macbitch.

Clocked.

* "Max - ain't that the queen from that movie 'Powder'?" asks Kennedy, scoring multiple Bland Canyon points for wicked shade and outdated '90s references barely anyone will understand. Applause, Kennedy.

* Miss Fame wins the sexy award and delivers an unexpectedly hilarious acceptance speech thanking "Mexico for the tapeworm that snatched my body" and "the man upstairs - this light makes me look great!", suggesting exposure to RuPaul's thunderbolt fingers in the Werq Room earlier may have permanently rearranged her brain circuitry.

"Wait... Miss Fame's funny now?"

* Next up is Max, looking completely incredible because she is Max, and Pearl, looking like a Marilyn Monroe souvenir candle someone left on the dashboard of a car in the sun:

"And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle on the dash..."

* But then Pearl's Ritalin kicks in and she suddenly becomes more entertaining than she has been in weeks, calling Katya "the Brooke Hogan of drag", cracking a solid joke about Mrs Kasha Davis being old and pulling an epic impression of Ginger Minj:

Or actually, maybe THIS was the Ritalin kicking in.

* Hold up, wait. Miss Fame and Pearl being funny in the one show?

"What... is... happening....?"

* Moving on to Ginger Minj and Kandy Ho who, sensing tonight might be her last, is on her way to audition for a new adults only Sesame Street adaptation in the role of Cookie Monster's slutty sister:

"BLUE HUMOUR, RIGHT?"

* Despite looking like a Muppet exploded all over her chest Kandy Ho is completely overshadowed by Ginger Minj. (Although to be fair, Ginger's frame does tend to block out most of the light.)

* Next up is Violet Chachki dressed as Miss Fame from last week:

Points deducted for missing the cut-off chest tatt.

* And Miss Fame dressed how Miss Fame should have looked last week...

Oh so you DO own a green dress, huh.

* Blah blah blah, some meaningless awards get handed out, blah blah blah, some more sentences are spoken that sound like jokes but aren't really, blah blah blah... and we move onto the final judging where Max and Pearl are declared the evening's winners on the basis that they didn't completely suck.

Although Max really got dudded on that lacefront.

* Pearl thanks RuPaul for giving her "a smackdown" in the Werq Room.

"Except you did incinerate my entire wardrobe with your laser eyes, so I was just wondering if..."

"SILENCE!"

* Isaac Mizrahi and Ross Matthews read Mrs Kasha Davis for being a dull opening act.

"It's tough to be overshadowed by the people following you," says Ross.

Actually Ross it's quite easy, see, depending on the angle of the sun... oh never mind.

* Michelle Visage tells Ginger Minj to cut back on her "black spray".

I think she was referring to her forehead, but who knows what Ginger gets up to in her spare time.

* Isaac Mizrahi tells Kandy Ho her dress is "swallowing her up".

A bit like this.

* RuPaul tells Violet she looks like she spends a lot of time on her own reading fashion magazines.

"Well, obviously the internet happened, Ru, I don't know if you've heard of it," Violet quips.

Fortunately for Violet her eye-lasers need recharging.

* "Your short sleeve turtleneck makes me so happy," Michelle Visage tells Miss Fame, which is the only time the concepts of "Michelle Visage" and "turtleneck" have mingled positively in a sentence.

* "I can really see you consciously trying to show us more than just beauty," La Visage continues.

Like that tape on the side of her head, for instance. She's always showing that.

* "I just want to get past my own head," Miss Fame says, prompting RuPaul to ask "How is your head?"

"I'm thinking a lot, and I know you guys can see that," Miss Fame continues, proving her earlier run-in with comedy was just a happy accident.

"My head is great - jokes fly right over it!"

* Then this happens, which is funnier than any of the jokes made by anyone the whole evening, so maybe RuPaul should win:

I recommend setting this as your phone alarm tone for the morning.

There's some more deliberation and then the queens return from the backstage lounge which after having failed once again to gain a decent corporate sponsor this week is supported by Despy's Hair Salon in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. "Despy's Hair Salon: We promised not to sue if they gave us a free plug".

One by one the queens are sent back to the safe zone to enjoy their one standard issue vodka and cranberry drink, until only Mrs Kasha Davis and Kandy Ho are left to lip sync to their doom.

Sadly this week's budget has once again been spent on Michelle Visage's nail glue, so the queens are forced to perform something off of RuPaul's "Modest  Hits of the 80s" cassette - "Lovergirl" by Teena Marie, a song that didn't even get airplay when it was released in 1984.

Kasha makes a good go of it, lifting up her dress to show off her cotton jocks like all the best performers do, while Kandy flaps about like Grover on meth.

"I JUST NEED A HIT, DAMMIT!"

Impressed by her neck veins, RuPaul declares Kandy Ho the winner, sending Mrs Kasha Davis to sashay away.

Poor Kasha - she barely got any screen time, and now she has to go. Any final words?

"Well I'd like to say..."

Oh I'm sorry, we've run out of time! Never mind. Why not go on and read EPISODE SIX?

In the meantime, why not go back and read EPISODE FOUR again? (I mean, there are plenty of reasons why not, but just do it anyway, I make money off your clicks).



11 comments :

  1. Love you humour, thanks for another awesome recap!!

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  2. Next episode is the snatch game right? This is a big deal, cause this episode will determine who becomes part of the final three. I wonder who will be who?

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    Replies
    1. Episode 7 is rumoured/reported to be Snatch Game

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    2. Bad friend sez-
      No. The next episode is ANOTHER group/acting challenge about Ru, Michelle and someone else called Merle (Kingswood Country?)
      Hopefully they'll cut candy from their diet.

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  3. Genius! The side-by-sides are always your strong suit, I LIVE for your references :D

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  4. Bad friend sez-
    Still fuming about how Trixie was dropped. They've bought queens back though , hey? Lil Kenya and that other one from season 3? I live in hope though it would be very Ru if they resurrected Jasmine instead.

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  5. Love this! Your recaps give me life. Can't for the next one. (Hint, hint)

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  6. These are so great! Can't wait for this week's (or next week's! the snatch game, omg).

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    Replies
    1. Snatch Game ~ can not wait!! Nor for the recap of it!!

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  7. Living for those Pearl gifs - sorry JIFS.

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  8. I had the exact same thoughts about Violet and Fame's outfits

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