Sunday, May 03, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 7, Episode 9

So there they all are in the Werq Room, post elimination, and everyone is so upset about Jaidynn being sent home - mostly because they'll probably never get to bathe in the glory of that wonderful bedazzled bra top ever again...


Oops, spoke too soon.

"It's so weird to see you over there," someone says to Ginger Minj, who as last week's Near Evictee is busy cleaning Jaidynn's farewell message off the mirror.

"I know!" says Ginger, because humility and self awareness are highly overrated characteristics.

"Since we started this challenge I've not really been in a good place with it. I've been in my head."

"HAVEN'T HAD ANY COMPLAINTS YET!"

She's really got it down now, eh?

Speaking of Miss Fame, she's pretty pissed off that her hot-glued-surgical-stocking-and-black-texta ensemble was overlooked by the judges in favour of Pearl and Trixie's child pageant queen look.

"This is not a read on you, but if I'd walked out there with a dress I'd just picked off the rack they would have clocked me for not trying hard enough," she spits.

Given that Fame's outfit looked like an old bandage with her preferred method of intercourse displayed across the butt, I think an off-the-rack option might have been welcomed.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where everybody is playing a round of "Prove You've Read Readers' Digest Lately".

"Is anybody excited about what today might AVAIL?" says Miss Fame, automatically losing the game for incorrect use of a verb.

Still, what do you expect from someone who's into "face sex"?

Suddenly the sound of RuPaul having her head shoved into a urinal rings out across the studio, bringing everyone to their knees. No, it's not Trixie's "25 Tracks to Relax" CD (that has the sound of Pearl having her head shoved into a urinal), it's the Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail siren!

The TV screen flashes into life (or at least, everyone pretends it does - you don't think they can really afford to power that thing up, do you?) and RuPaul appears.

"Good morning Baltimore! Having Female Trouble? Well don't be a Cry Baby because all you need to become America's next drag superstar is Hairspray and Polyester. Oh, and don't forget to hide your Pecker!" she says, while 75 per cent of people watching at home do this:

"Duh, what's that lady on about?"
"I dunno, I thought this was NASCAR."

All the queens are so busy trying to look like they get all the references no one notices when RuPaul bursts in through the door at the top of the stairs dressed as the Hamburglar:

Guess that McDonald's sponsorship money came through, then.

"In the great tradition of Paris is Burning, the library is about to be open!" RuPaul announces.

Meanwhile, at home:

"France is on fire?"
"Is this CNN?"

Of course regular viewers will understand that what this actually means is that all the queens are going to put on silly glasses and throw shade at everyone else for 10 minutes. Well, all the queens except one, because as is the case every season there's always one unfunny bitch who is totally crap at insults and delivers punchlines like Mariah Carey at the baseball.

Nailed it.

THE LIBRARY IS OPEN!

* As per last year, and in homage to her guest appearance last week, today I shall be rating the queens' shade-throwing abilities using the international standard shade measurement of Latrice Royales.

* First up, Ginger Minj.

On Trixie Mattel: "Making fun of you is like shooting clownfish in a barrel. Unfortunately that's about as fishy as you'll ever be."

On Miss Fame: "Everything about you is so original, except for those lips, those cheeks and everything you present to the judges on the runway."

I expected more.


* Moving on to Katya, on Pearl: "Now that you've come out of your shell, maybe you could use that as a butt pad."

On Violet: "You keep training in those corsets girl, pretty soon your waist size will be lower than your IQ."

On Miss Fame: "You are such a talented makeup artist, I've never met anybody who's able to shove their head so far up their own ass without smudging their eyeliner!"

If we ignore the weird Pearl read (and we shall), Katya kinda nailed this.


* Next is Violet, on Ginger Minj: "I disagree with the judges, I think you should bring your black hairspray down further - full coverage."

On Katya: "At this point you should just make like your hairline and recede."

On Trixie Mattel: "Haute couture? More like haute glue."

So... wait. Violet IS funny?


* Moving right along to Miss Fame, and there's still no sign of which queen will be this year's reading challenge dyslexic. Huh. I wonder who it will be.

"Is that Ben Affleck?" Miss Fame says about Trixie Mattel.

"Girl, I must be hungry for the dick if I see this thirsty bitch as her!"

OK, I think we found her.

"Katya, now you get to increase your hooking fee' - thank you RuPaul's Drag Race!" Miss Fame continues.

NEXT.


* Moving on to Kennedy Davenport, on Trixie: "I am waiting for you to change that lip colour cos your face looks like the back of a baboon's ass."

And then: "Look it's a giraffe! No it's a horse! No it's just Violet."

This is the only appropriate reaction to that.


* Next up is Trixie, on Katya: "Girl where do you get your outfits? American Apparently Not?"

Yeah, nah.

On Ginger Minj: "Girl, did you ever save Carole-Anne from the poltergeist in the TV?"

YES GIRL, YES!

On Violet: "I don't believe the rumours, I don't believe you took Sharon Needles' crown - and I don't believe you're taking this one either!"

HATS OFF, PANTS DOWN, TRIXIE WINS AT LIFE.


* Bringing it on home is Pearl, on Kennedy Davenport: "You've got your eye on the prize... and your other eye on the crown."

Nicely done.

On Katya: "Are you confused? The saying is YOUNG, dumb and full of come."

Excellent work.

"And RuPaul..." she begins.

OH YES SHE DID!

Sadly we never get to hear Pearl's read of RuPaul (suggestion: "RuPaul is so old, I told her to act her age and she died!") or any of the obvious jokes about Miss Fame (suggestion: "How did Miss Fame get on Drag Race? She had the most eye-catching tape!"), but overall it's not the worst reading challenge ever so let's all just be thankful.

Trixie Mattel is declared the winner because of course (I mean, NO ONE was going to beat that Poltergeist call) and is rewarded with a lifetime membership to Blockbuster video. Congrats, Trixie, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of that.

"This week we're paying tribute to the Sultan of Sleaze, the Baron of Bad Taste, the legendary director JOHN WATERS!" announces RuPaul.

Pearl passes the first part of the acting challenge with flying colours.

Fortunately RuPaul goes on to explain just who John Waters is by playing a totally nonsensical clip of drag queen Divine being attacked by a giant beetle which... actually, now that I think about it, probably is the best way of explaining John Waters.

Side note:

YES THAT IS A SIGNED COPY OF 'ROLE MODELS' WITH MY NAME IN IT THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.

As it turns out the "tribute" to John Waters is getting all the queens to re-enact some of his most famous movie scenes in the style of a musical (or "Rusical" as the producers of this show insist on calling it).

I think I speak for all of us...

Everyone gets into pairs, except for Pearl, Violet and Fame who slink together unenthusiastically after being passed over by everybody else, and starts rehearsing.

Katya and Kennedy start working on the songs for their scene, "Cha Cha Heels" from Female Trouble.

This isn't it, this is actually a family video of my last Christmas.

As we all know from episode four, Katya is really great at singing - as long as the style you're going for is Peter Garrett impersonating a death metal singer with a headcold - so that will probably go really well.

Trixie and Ginger Minj are tackling "Eggs" from Pink Flamingos.

Again, this is just more of my family Christmas video. 
2014 was a great year.

Their scene involves them throwing eggs around while singing "Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!", so I guess Kristen Chenoweth and Alan Cumming will need to work out a new opening number for the Tonys now.

And then there's Violet, Pearl and Fame with perhaps the most famous John Waters scene of all, the one with Divine and the dog.

Great title on this video. Well done, Planet Earth.

All three are supposed to represent Divine - Pearl as her good conscience, Fame as her evil side, and Violet as the one who eats shit.

Submitted without comment.

Their scene involves Pearl singing "DON'T PLAY WITH DOO-DOO!" while Violet licks her lips and Fame dances around a fake dog poo. So there goes plan B for the Tonys.

Anyway, enough rehearsing....

IT'S THE JOHN WATERS MUSICAL CHALLENGE TIME!

* Kennedy and Katya are up first with "Cha Cha Heels", which I can safely say is the worst "song" to ever come out of a Drag Race musical challenge (yes, even worse than this). Honestly, it sounds like two drunk women having an argument over shoes while someone bangs their head against a piano, so when Kennedy complains that the "live keyboard is throwing me off" I have full sympathy.

* Meanwhile, it's great to see Coco Montrese back on TV again:

Her look has gotten so much more refined since season five!

* And it's good to see Michelle Visage finally toning down her makeup a bit:

Much more subtle.

* Trixie and Ginger attempt Pink Flamingos, end up with "E True Hollywood Story: Amy Winehouse":

Reports of her anorexia were greatly exaggerated, it turns out.

Pearl, Violet and Fame attempt Divine, end up with Seduction Reunion Tour 2016:

At least this eyeshadow allows Fame to hide her facial tape.

* And for some reason (possibly to justify a totally bullshit elimination later in the episode) everyone thinks this is terrible:

HOW IS THIS NOT THE BEST THING FAME HAS EVER DONE?

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, Katya shouting "BUT IT'S CHRISSSMAAASSS" a few times... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where everyone is preparing for runway, which this week has a theme of "Ugliest Dress".

"Any tips, Ginger?"

Meanwhile, over at the makeup table Miss Fame and Pearl are busy performing slam poetry.

Pearl: "You're an idiot."

Fame: "You're very blessed, your talents have taken you far and I'm struggling."

Pearl: "It's OK, your insecurities can take you there."

Fame: "And your lack of will to be here has really gotten you far."

POW! I don't know what they're on about, but someone throw down a beat and let's record this shiz!

Miss Fame's got the tape ready!

"I feel like there's some weird, underlying tension, I dunno, she's like... odd," Pearl says about Fame, because the producers are desperately trying to manufacture some last minute rivalry that doesn't exist so when Pearl and Fame are inevitably in the bottom two there will be a modicum of controversy.

Probably.

And with our shaky premises established...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* Thanks to a special sponsorship deal secured by RuPaul's marketing team, everyone on the judging panel is this week contractually obliged to dress as an item for sale at the Rose Bowl Flea Market in Pasadena.

RuPaul comes as a velvet painting from 1977:

If you brush it the wrong way she turns into Michelle Visage.

* Michelle Visage comes as this vintage purse:

Not the first time she's been called an old bag.

* Some blonde guy (I can't remember his name) shows up as this rare Ken Doll:

Rare because it was discontinued due to poor sales, I can't think why.

* Special guest judge Demi Lovato, otherwise known as "The Guest Judge Who Isn't John Waters" comes as this sequin art painting of a horse:

Wait until you hear her whinny.

* And legendary author and filmmaker John Waters comes specially dressed as this beautiful handmade sculpture:

That's John on the left. 
I think.

* Thanks to another last minute sponsorship deal with Shitty Movies Incorporated the runway has to be delayed for 10 minutes while everybody watches a live-action promo for Tyler Perry's new film, "Madea Beats A Dead Horse":

She's still got it!

* Then there's Katya, who looks like Ronald McDonald's slutty sister Rhonda after a meth-fuelled three way with Grimace and Birdie:

There goes that McDonald's sponsorship money.

* Moving on to Ginger Minj, who looks like an aerial view of a cabbage patch that two crows suicided into:

Lettuce pray for this look.

* Trixie Mattel looks exactly like Prom Queen Barbie circa 1986:

Apart from birth, it's the only time she's come out of a box.

* "Hi, I'm Pearl and I don't know what 'ugly' means!"

"I think I was confused by the assignment."

* "Hi, I'm Miss Fame and I also don't know what ugly means!"

"Does it mean flawless makeup and hair, a beautiful brocade empire line dress and tonnes of gorgeous tulle? No?"

* Thankfully the challenge is saved by Violet Chachki, who shows up looking like the product of an orgy involving a troupe of clowns, a Fraggle, a picnic rug, and 57 tabs of acid:

The gayest scarecrow ever.

* After the runway we're all forced to sit through the John Waters musical presentations, so grab whatever social drug is closest to you and consume all of it now, you're going to need it.

Katya sings about "cha cha", shows us her cho-cha:

"NOT AT CHRISTMAS!"

* Then there's this, which I have already made my phone ringtone:

Oh Katya, I love you.

* Kennedy and Katya's segment went for so long I drifted off to sleep and only woke up when an ad for Masterchef came on:

And I have to say I'm really enjoying the new direction they've taken with the show this year.

* Meanwhile, thank god for a singing and acting challenge so Pearl can finally show off her charisma:

Some photos just caption themselves.

* And if you ever wondered what Violet might look like if she was cryogenically frozen mid-sneeze:

Your dreams have come true.

* In summary: it's three minutes of men in dresses with painted foreheads and fake paunches yelling, throwing eggs at each other and singing about dog poo.

"And this is why I'm against gay marriage."

* Demi Lovato describes Pearl's dress as "the least ugliest out of everyone's", and they bond over their shared lack of English skills.

* Michelle Visage says Katya took a "nothing role and turned it into something meaty".

And she proudly displayed that meat to everyone.

* Demi Lovato says Ginger went "balls deep" as the egg lady, words which will never be uttered together in the same sentence ever again.

John Waters tells Pearl he didn't understand her performance. Carson tells Violet her performance was flat. Carson says Pearl is unmemorable. Michelle Visage criticises Pearl for not going big enough.

Nek minit:

Lesson: everyone needs to go big, except Miss Fame, who shouldn't.

Meanwhile, I think we can all agree Michelle Visage is the last person who should be giving lessons about anything coming naturally.

* Demi Lovato says Violet's performance as Divine was "about as talented as a colour blind makeup artist".


I'm just going to leave this here.
(Can I just point out this video goes for FIVE MINUTES? Thank you.)

* RuPaul asks the queens who should go home and LITERALLY EVERYONE (apart from Violet) says Miss Fame

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?



DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU OF THIS?



Is it just me or has this "no one likes Miss Fame and she's not very good" storyline literally just appeared out of nowhere? I've seen more shots of Katya's taint this season than I have of people complaining about Miss Fame.

Note to the producers:

Just a tip.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, in line with this week's runway sponsor, has been furnished by the Pasadena Rose Bowl Flea Market meaning this week everyone gets a special prize - lice!


Thanks to her Oscar worthy performance as the egg lady coupled with her crippling lack of style, Ginger Minj is declared the winner and is rewarded with a packet of bobby pins, a half used can of Cheez Whiz and the chance to be coughed on by John Waters (TBC). Congratulations, Ginger!

One by one the queens are sent back to the safe zone until there's just two left, and OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?

BUT PEARL AND FAME ARE RIVALS OMG THIS WILL CERTAINLY BE CONTROVERSIAL ETC. ETC.

They have to lip sync to Demi Lovato's "Really Don't Care", which is ironic because I'm fairly sure that's exactly what the producers said when they were asked whether this series made any sense at all.

Oh by the way, here's is Demi's song "Really Don't Care".


And here is a song by Icona Pop called "I Don't Care".


They're good songs, aren't they?

Anyway as expected a Pearl vs Miss Fame lip sync battle is about as exciting as watching two hamsters try to solve a quadratic equation so I'll spare you the blow by blow, save for this bit

I think they're both saying "You're number 1!". They're so nice, those girls.

In the end though, there can be only one - and Miss Fame is told to sashay away.

She swishes back down the runway, her voluminous skirt sucking in spare lights and stray producers like some sort of drag black hole...

No, that's different.

And so another installment of Drag Race ends in an entirely arbitrary way with no real explanation for what just happened. Probably quite fitting for the John Waters episode, actually.

Imma let the final word on this episode go to Kennedy:

Yep, that about sums it up.

Goodbye Miss Fame

Don't let anyone call you stuck up.

So THAT'S her secret!

That's it for this week - now go on and read EPISODE 10. Or 
go back and read EPISODE EIGHT again.



19 comments :

  1. This season really has been a mess. I think it's the lack of any clear winning talent. Ginger is just a tad too mean to impress and her runway looks are consistently awful (the ugliest dress didn't look out of place from any other of her presentations; the only standout for her has been the leather and lace runway). Katya also seems better in concept than in presentation - she's more likeable and funnier out of drag. That said, seeing them on Untucked this week I wouldn't mind if the two of them together took the crown - the sum being greater than the parts - they would make a great double act. Conjoin them for realz RuPaul!

    Trixie is also failing to impress. I agree she was eliminated too soon but that doesn't mean she is bringing it now. RuPaul making her the winner of the mini challenge was a transparent attempt to make her seem fiercer than she is. She is not that witty or pretty and when she isn't hamming it up badly in a challenge - worse than Fame in this one, I thought - she has a slack-jawed expression like someone just punched her clownfish in the face.

    I actually just started watching S1 and it's an amazing contrast between the over-expository critiques and the meaningless, contextless decisions made now. There was a happy medium somewhere between S4-S6.

    Great recaps as always and so thrilled to see you with Max and Violet.

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    Replies
    1. Totally agree with you. This season is just so over-edited, missing that something special that made past seasons (well S4-S6) so joyful to watch.

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    2. I really like this season, actually, but I agree that the editing/decisions are a little weird. I think it's actually selling the queens short, because there ARE a lot of really talented ones this season. (Also, as for "pushing queens to make them seem fiercer than they are" . . . Adore. It's not a new thing.)

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  2. The mid-sneeze piece was utter genius! Still shedding tears of laughter! And the Ruscar (doesn't work, does it?) for "Best cryogenic mascot in a supporting role" goes to...

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  3. "Is it just me or has this "no one likes Miss Fame and she's not very good" storyline literally just appeared out of nowhere?"

    Honestly I'm pretty sure that's just you. The judges have put her in the bottom 3 four times in a row. That is hardly out of nowhere and I don't think anyone was attacking her personally when they said her--they were factually pointing out that she's been in the bottom for four consecutive challenges.

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    Replies
    1. The bottom 3? Who cares about the bottom 3? If you're going to argue about rankings (and you shouldn't, because it's kind of meaningless) Miss Fame was never in the bottom two, unlike Pearl who's been there twice and is still around. Not that I think Pearl should go, I'm just pointing out the uselessness in arguing numbers.

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    2. I'm with you. I was appalled for a good 3 challenges by the fact that she kept doing really terribly and NOT having to lipsynch. The producers knew as soon as she had to lipsynch, she'd be gone.

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    3. I agree, too. I think maybe the producers realized it was Fame's time to go, even though her performance didn't really warrant it (see: Darienne in "Sissy That Walk.")

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    4. I couldn't see Miss Fame getting to the top 3 but this was a bit of a weird way to rid of her. Her bad Divine was bad but there were previous performances that were worse from her. As for the LSFYL, it really should have been a double, neither was any better than the other.

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  4. "Is it just me or has this "no one likes Miss Fame and she's not very good" storyline literally just appeared out of nowhere?"

    Honestly I'm pretty sure that's just you. The judges have put her in the bottom 3 four times in a row. That is hardly out of nowhere and I don't think anyone was attacking her personally when they said her--they were factually pointing out that she's been in the bottom for four consecutive challenges.

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  5. "Is it just me or has this "no one likes Miss Fame and she's not very good" storyline literally just appeared out of nowhere?"

    I think it might be just you. There have been lots of clues most of the girls were over Fame. She might be a completely different person off camera but dear lordy, she slayed Pinocchio in the wooden stakes (no pun intended)

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  6. It is just you... but awesome recap nonetheless, thank you.

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  7. Bad friend sez-
    I have a cunning theory about RPDR , in that, the odd numbered series are good but the even numbered series are better. Look at the evidence people! Does anyone remember the stand outs of series one? A handful - Nina Flowers and Tammy Brown. * Series two? Pandora Box, Tatiana's Brittany Spears, Jujubee , Raven. *Series three- ummm , some sickening fashion but personalities ...?
    *Series four- TOO many brilliant Queens, the top seven were all memorable. *Series five- Jinxx -Alaska. (Honorable mention Detox) . Series six.... well just look at Bianca, Courtney, Adore, Ben De La , Darienne , Trinity. .....
    Series 7? The outstanding Queens are few. The challenges not so entertaining. Is it the editing? The direction from eleganza and creativity to acting and group schtick?
    Roll on series 8!

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    Replies
    1. omg, you are so right. While I loved Jinxx & Alaska that was about it in S5 but there was so much good in S2 & S6, with S4 having so many highlights too. As for season 3 that Heathers V Boogers nonsense that editors favoured *smh*

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    2. I love the hell out of this season, but now that you mention it . . . there's Katya, Ginger, and Violet who I think will go far and deserve to, and inexplicably people love Pearl . . . Fame and Trixie might be remembered, but I agree that it's not the same as S6.

      That being said, Ginger and Katya are AMAZING and would've stood out in any season.

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    3. As long as it's not Kennedy that takes the crown there is some hope of me liking the rest of the season.
      I'm just so grateful for seeing what Max can do away from the competition. It reassured me of her immense talent that the show didn't quite capture.

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  8. Bad friend sez-
    Exactly - The Minj and Katya are the real stand outs. Violet is growing on me. Pearl I loved when she first walked into the werkroom ('sup) but I get frustrated when I see her not apply. I really wasn't a fan of Max ( there- I said it ) & Trixie coulda and shoulda but didn't. As for Kennedy , I just can't get to like her , she just lacks something, charisma maybe or talent. Maybe the Powers of RPDR have deliberately edited to make all queens "equal" to keep the audience guessing ( the winners of series 4, 5 & 6 were fairly easy to predict) and keep us enthralled as it were , with the "Who's gonna winnit" scenario. If thats the case it just ain't werkin for me, druther see awesome queens being awesome and crappy queens being crap.

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  9. Thanks for providing the heart touching images of the Rupaul's Drag race episodes recap. willing to see more recap images of this episode.

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  10. This is so hilarious. Thanks a lot for sharing. I have totally enjoyed everything. Keep it up! Cabin Crew Course Application Essay Help

    ReplyDelete