So firstly, a quick Rupaulogy for the unbearable lateness of this week's recap. I could tell you the whole story about the drama that happened this week, but as it doesn't involve meeting Max or Violet or being abducted by a Drag Mothership piloted by Sharon Needles it's probably not very interesting, so in the words of our lord and saviour Alyssa Edwards:
OK so there we are in the Werq Room, having just said goodbye to Miss Fame for no real reason - well, apart from the fact that when RuPaul asked who should go last week everyone was like:
The words "bus", "throwing" and "under" come to mind, but I can't think how to combine them in a sentence.
Anyway despite all this it seems Fame has left everyone handwritten farewell notes. Hope they all feel bad.
"Girl you are a class act," Kennedy reads from her note.
"You are so talented," Katya reads.
"Violet, you are perfect," reads Violet.
"What does yours say, Pearl?"
Suddenly the sounds of RuPaul slowly starving to death at the bottom of a drain drift over the Werq Room - it's Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail time!
"Ladies, you wanna prance with somebody? Somebody who loves you? Well if you can't love yourself - switch partners! It's time to look at drag from both sides now!" says RuPaul, who may or may not be on some sort of hallucinogen.
"It's dancing!" screams Katya, while simultaneously affixing the stamp to her MENSA application envelope.
Just then the ground begins to tremble and the walls begin to shake, and everyone falls to the floor with a thud. A terrible scream pierces the air and one by one, lightbulbs start exploding and spraying glass all over the studio. The sudden increase in electromagnetic field causes Pearl's nosering to become magnetized, dragging her face-first across the floor to become stuck to Katya's crotch.
"So that's how she does it," Pearl muses as Ginger starts stress eating Violet's wig.
Then at the top of the stairs the door starts to creak open... it's...
Also, while we're at it, can I just draw everyone's attention to this:
"Ladies, the good news is - you're all getting cosmetic surgery!" RuPaul announces.
"The bad news is - you'll be doing it yourselves."
Meanwhile, watching at home:
So it's a pity Miss Fame isn't there, she really would have nailed this one.
STICKY FACE CHALLENGE IN A NUTSHELL
* Also not for the first time this season, Kennedy Davenport looks like Oprah after a hard Botox session:
* "When times get tough I just breathe through my nose," says Violet, which is either a joke that had its punchline mistakenly edited out, or is actually just a real thing that Violet does.
* Suddenly the action is interrupted by a word from sponsor McDonald's, who having successfully upgraded the Hamburglar, decide to debut their latest renovated mascot - Birdie:
* And welcome special guest judge Lindsay Lohan!
* And then there's... HOLY GOD, KILL IT.
Violet is named the winner of the challenge and is rewarded with a packet of BandAids (best before October 2008) and a can of Glen 20. All the queens roll their eyes at the special treatment.
Then it's time for the maxi challenge which this week is dancing. The queens must learn various dance routines because, well, we've had enough of acting and singing and what the hell else are they going to do? Cook? (Note to producers: Cooking would be ACE, please get on that thanks).
"There's just one little catch," says RuPaul.
"For the first time in Drag Race herstory you'll be decked out in half man, half queen drag."
Actually as it turns out he means more like this:
Yes, each queen will be made to dress half man, half woman and dance about awkwardly - kind of like that recent Bruce Jenner interview.
Anyway they all go off in pairs and start rehearsing, except Katya and Violet who decide to play a quick game of "Who's Old And Totally Out of Touch?" first.
"Do you know how to tango? You know, like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis?" asks Katya.
Over by the other work table Trixie is dancing around Ginger Minj while she grunts and looks confused.
It's like that scene in Labyrinth where the plucky little fox terrier tries to attack the big orange monster:
"When I say I don't dance I mean I DON'T dance," spits Ginger.
Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the room:
Over in the corner RuPaul is giving some advice to Kennedy and Pearl ahead of their performance.
"Pearl, I think this is a good chance for you to go outside of what you normally do," he says.
"I'm hoping Pearl's personality shines through and she just plays it up," says Kennedy.
Anyway that's enough dicking about in the Werq Room, LET'S GET OUR CHORRY ON!
All the queens sashay over to the dance studio where they're greeted by some blonde guy who may be Carson Kressley (but who would know? I've practically forgotten what he looks like), some blonde woman in a sparkly jacket (so obviously = professional) and this guy:
Kennedy and Pearl are up first to practice their routine, a hybrid of the Charleston and twerking that looks a bit like what you'd get if you force fed Miley Cyrus a whole bottle of Adderall and made her impersonate a chicken.
What could possibly go wrong?
Next up are Violet and Katya who combine Voguing, the tango and prolific swearing to create a hypnotic dance known in the gay clubs as the "Michelle Visage".
While Violet deals with the Voguing part, which comes with instructions like "five, six, seven and MADONNA!" and involves a thorough understanding of semaphore, Katya struggles to walk in a straight line without looking like someone in the middle of an ice hallucination:
Moving on to Trixie and Ginger, who this week will be presenting "country robot".
To be honest it will be a miracle if these two manage to present anything at all, given Ginger's movement seems restricted to situations where a fridge is involved.
And also because their routine involves Trixie, who is approximately the size of a squirrel, lifting Ginger off a hay bale and swinging her around her waist.
Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where everyone is preparing for the big half-drag dance-off.
"I did not sleep at all, I was literally up all night doing the robot," says Ginger, which is coincidentally exactly what RuPaul said after he bought that Channing Tatum Real Doll off the internet.
Meanwhile, Katya and Violet are bonding over the shared nightmare that is being taught to tango by Carson Kressley:
But enough of all this pussyfooting around...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* Still burning after being snubbed for an invite to last week's Met Gala, RuPaul decides to stage her own and forces everyone everyone on the judging panel to dress on theme. She comes as Beyonce:
* Not to be outdone, Michelle Visage has come as Kerry Washington's bustle:
* Carson Kressley (IS that his name?) has come as Miley Cyrus
* Some guest judges are there too. Yay.
* OK so first on the runway is Pearl, and xxakajjj zzzzhhYTEgfjsss 1111111111111111
Sorry, that was just my head hitting the keyboard...
MY GOD MAN, GIVE UP DRAG, YOUR STUBBLE IS TOO HOT TO HIDE.
* "She looks like Justin Timberlake meets Keira Knightley!" coos Guest Judge 1.
* In other news: I'm feeling very confusing feelings right now. This is like episode three all over again. Does anyone know a good therapist?
* Next up is Kennedy Davenport, looking a bit like a butch lesbian who decided to go to her own wedding dressed as a lampshade, but then changed her mind half way through:
* Moving on to Trixie Mattel, who looks more manly and handsome than ever (which is saying something as half of him is wearing a dress and heels):
His girl look is... well, I dunno. Who's looking at the drag, seriously? Can we have more challenges that force these boys to wear suits and paint on stubble, please?
* Next up is Ginger Minj, who looks like celebrity chef Mario Batali after an unfortunate teleportation accident:
* Then there's Violet Chachki, looking... well, drop dead f***ing amazing:
* She's followed by Katya, who basically looks exactly the same but with a dumber facial expression:
* It's dancing time - so we join our "Prancing with the Stars" (see what they did there?) host La Visage in the backstage lounge, where she's already moulting from the stress of the evening:
* Everyone dances, everyone does brilliantly and no one falls over, meaning this section was entirely devoid of comedic potential.
So here, have this photo of Solange Knowles at the Met Gala instead:
* Oh also, half-man Katya seducing half-woman Violet in the tango did turn me on at one point, so... see you in the slash-fic forums, I guess!
* Pearl says she and Kennedy are "the most flah-zay-dah" queens on the show, which appears to be a linguistic mash-up of "laissez-faire", "blase" and "la-di-da" and is therefore the best thing that's ever come out of anyone's mouth, ever.
* Carson tells Kennedy her dancing was a little "laid back".
* Meanwhile, Carson's definition of "laid back" apparently involves cartwheels, handstands and twerking splits, so if he ever invites you round for a "laid back get together" be prepared.
* La Visage tells Trixie she nailed the runway look. Carson tells Trixie she nailed the dancing. SO I GUESS SHE'S SAFE THEN, RIGHT? LET'S SEE.
* Carson says Violet is like Bambi. So... shout out to Violet's mum - watch yourself if you go walking in the woods. Just saying.
* Ginger Minj tries not to cry as she reveals her biggest fear is dancing in public. Michelle Visage sympathises: her biggest fear is appearing fully clothed in public.
* RuPaul asks the judges what they thought of Trixie and Ginger's dance routine.
"Watching their performance, it felt... jokey," snips Guest Judge 1 who is apparently unaware that she's on a show where, half an hour ago, six drag queens gave themselves pig noses with sticky tape. Seriously, what was she expecting, the bloody Bolshoi?
* La Visage congratulates Katya on wearing a black wig instead of her usual blonde or red. Somewhere in Wisconsin, Max feels a cold chill and shudders.
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing once again to secure a big name sponsor is this week supported by Barbara's Discount Crab Shack in Schaumburg Illinois - "Get crabs at Barbara's!".
Katya and Violet are declared the winners of the dancing challenge and are rewarded with a laddered pair of tights, a half-smoked cigarette from Sharon Needles' ashtray, and a packet of Mentos. They'll divide it up later.
Kennedy and Pearl are sent back to the safe zone, leaving Trixie and Ginger Minj to duke it out in the bottom two.
Oh well Ginger, it's been fun, but it looks like it's your time to sashay away. I mean, after all those negative comments on the runway, and all the love Trixie got... Girl has got this one in the bag!
But rules are rules, so it's lip sync time and... OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD THIS IS MY JAMMMMMMMMMMM!
FINALLY RuPaul has ditched her "Mediocre Near-Hits of the '80s" cassette and has queued up a decent song on Spotify - Robin S "Show Me Love" which is, no kidding, one of my favourite songs of all time. It is impossible not to have a good time to this song. If this song comes on and you do not immediately have a good time then GET OUT, I HAVE NO MORE TO SAY TO YOU.
Anyway Trixie and Ginger start lip syncing and jumping around and you know, whatever, who cares what they're doing because THIS IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW;
But evidently whatever they did, Ginger did it better because Trixie is sent packing up the runway for the second time.
The one they said nailed the dancing, and the runway, and was fun.
Seriously, what the hell?
Is this series raising awareness for Bipolar Disorder or what?
Whatever is going on it is SO not flase-dah.
Actually, I wonder if Trixie's elimination in episode four happened purely so she could be brought back in episode eight to create some controversy, and then be dumped by an arbitrary elimination in episode 10...
Anyway join me again soon for the next episode of RuPaul's Random Decision Show, where someone will be praised for being sickening and then eliminated five minutes later! In the meantime, why not go back and read EPISODE NINE while you wait? It might make more sense this week. (Hint: It won't).