Yes, yes, yes, I know: it's a full week after episode 11 aired and I'm only just posting this recap now. I KNOW. But it took me that long to get over the fact that...
Anyway, sheesh, don't be so demanding! Let's just all be a bit more flase-dah, can we?
Alright, we're already a whole week late so let's get straight down to it.
Trixie Mattel's no longer around, having been forced to boot-scoot on outta there in half drag last week despite the fact that the judges said she nailed the runway and was fun blah blah blah yada yada welcome to RuPaul's Bizarre Decision Race, where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
Violet and Katya are too busy crowing about their win to be too upset, although the result was hardly a surprise - if anyone was going to take out the award for looking most like half a man it was going to be Violet.
Meanwhile, in case you hadn't noticed, WE'RE DOWN TO THE TOP FIVE NOW. How many queens did we start with? About 53? This season began in 2013, right? IT FUCKING FEELS LIKE IT.
Anyway we only have five left which, as Katya points out, is one for each finger (aka Friday night at RuPaul's house).
With everyone assembled at the Werq Room table attempting to say something vaguely entertaining (spoiler: they don't) it's time for another Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail, heralded as usual by the unmistakable sounds of RuPaul being forced to give Michelle Visage a routine breast examination:
"From Tuckahoe to Tokyo, whether you're a couture queen or somebody's BFF, make sure you stand by your brand - konichiwa bitches!" says RuPaul, holding up a painted piece of cardboard to look like a TV screen.
Tokyo... brands... haute couture... konichiwa... I hope this all means their next challenge is going to involve them dressing up in 12 inch heels and branding wagyu cattle on the runway while singing Robyn. (Which actually sounds a bit like a Robyn music video, so feel free to send royalties my way, whoever Robyn's record company is.)
Just then the walls begin to shake and the floor starts to wobble, so everyone grabs onto Ginger for stability because, well, you can't knock that bitch down in a hurry.
"FLASEEEE DAHHHHHHH!" yells Pearl as she hurls herself across the room into a giant barrel of sequins, in what is the most energetic display anyone's seen from her all season. Katya throws herself to the floor and starts reciting Tolstoy when the studio light above Kennedy bursts and plummets to the ground just inches from her head.
"That was the luckiest near miss ever," she gasps, but then remembers the time in episode six she dressed like a voodoo KFC chicken and skated right through the runway, and shuts up.
Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs bursts open and...
For their first challenge RuPaul announces they'll all be sticking their hands into a hole in the wall and pulling something out to play with - something that gives Katya a distinct advantage, as she's been training for it in public bathrooms her whole life.
As it turns out they'll be pulling each other through the hole, and...
No wait, that doesn't sound quite right.
They each line up to stick it in and...
Er, they'll be putting their hands inside miniature versions of each other, and...
Oh forget it, you know what this is all about.
They each get a puppet mini-me, and stick a whole bunch of crap on it with hot glue, and then...
IT'S PUPPET CHALLENGE TIME!* First up is Pearl with Puppet Kennedy, in what is a perfect recreation in felt and glue of her "Mad Max: Beyond Chickendome" look from episode six:
* Kennedy reads the instruction manual for her puppet but gets bored after "Step 1: Insert hand" and forgets to operate the mouth, turning Pearl into a mute who speaks through thought control.
* Meanwhile back at home Kennedy's parents pick up their list marked "Potential Careers for Kennedy" and cross off "Henson Workshop Imagineer".
* Still, she does a better job than Violet, whose puppet version of Katya is just a sock in a blonde wig with a cigarette stuck to its lip:
* Ginger Minj gets confused, makes a Michelle Visage puppet:
* Katya gets confused, makes a Kathy Griffin puppet:
Ginger Minj is declared the winner for some reason, and is delighted with her prize - a blink from RuPaul. FEEL THE ADRENALIN.
"For your next challenge you'll be joining forces with a global marketing phenomenon worth $8 billion dollars," announces RuPaul.
"She's a girl who's besties with Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj," RuPaul continues.
OH MY GOD IS IT TAYLOR SWIFT?
Instead they will be working with this thing:
Apparently Hello Kitty - the inane Japanese cat featured on lunchboxes and pencilcases the world over - is a brand that resonates with viewers of RuPaul's Drag Race,
In other news: I HAVE JUST DIED OF OLD AGE R.I.P. ME.
In other news:
In other news:
RuPaul announces they all have to make runway looks out of Hello Kitty merch, aka crappy bits of polyester and plastic shit with her smug little face on them.
Katya unfurls her hammer and sickle and starts singing The Internationale as she begins work on her runway outfit of rags, titled "Overworked Underpaid Guangzhou Factory Workers Eleganza", while everyone else starts cooing over pink vinyl handbags and diamante encrusted beach towels.
Given most of the room has the collective design power of a drunk three year old (which, by the way, is no hindrance in Guangzhou), everyone is nervous about having to create gowns from scratch.
Everyone that is apart from Violet, who immediately sets to work on constructing the Sydney Opera House around her head:
Meanwhile, watching at home:
"I'm gonna do black and pink," announces Kennedy, as if that is in any way a remarkable concept for a challenge revolving around a black and white cat that wears pink.
"I want to make it like, Becky who's 21 years old with a hot boyfriend who has a fetish for Hello Kitty," she says.
Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs spontaneously explodes into a thousand pieces, raining cardboard and paddlepop sticks over the entire workroom, and when the dust clears all that's standing there is a seven foot tall piece of beef jerky:
Clearly the producers couldn't afford enough severance pay when they kicked Santino off last season, and have had to make it up by getting everyone to pretend he's some sort of sex symbol.
"Santino walks in and I flood my basement, bitch!" declares Ginger Minj for the second time this season.
Kennedy tells RuPaul and Santino she is the "catsuit queen", but doesn't know how to make one.
"That's like somebody liking enchiladas but not knowing how to make one!" RuPaul says, and everyone laughs as if it was an actual joke instead of a really weird thing to say.
Clearly Chipotle doesn't exist in RuPaul's world, a dystopian nether-universe where one must know how to be completely self sufficient and manufacture all of one's desires from scratch.
Meanwhile, whatever hallucinogenic drug they used to make the queens think Santino was a stud clearly hasn't worn off on Violet yet:
Violet explains her outfit as "bubblegum pop mod meets Harajuku" (which, again Robyn, is a great idea for your next music video.) (Call me).
"That's really incredible," Santino growls - although actually, that might have just been a plane flying over my house, they sound kind of the same.
"This boning you're using, that's for your head?" he continues.
Meanwhile, watching at home:
"VIOLET LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN GAYDAR, BITCH!" shrieks Kennedy.
Over in the other corner Katya is devoid of creative ideas, and freaking out over what sort of costume to make.
"If you can incorporate Hello Kitty into who Katya is, you're gonna be alright," advises Santino.
Yeah, like that.
Over on the other side of the Werq Room Pearl and RuPaul are finally getting to the bottom of Drag Race's most fascinating new mystery: the etymology of the word "flase-dah".
"Did you make that up?" RuPaul asks.
"I guess so.. I mean, I thought it was a real word but maybe I thought of it in a dream," says Pearl.
Well Pearl does have a very active imagination...
They leave her to continue cutting up blankets (because as everyone knows the most creative way to approach a design challenge using unusual materials is to use the stuff that's most like actual fabric - that always impresses the judges) and go over to Ginger Minj.
"I'm trying to figure out what the next move is," she sighs.
"Get to work and let those juices flow!" says RuPaul, as we all imagine, for the third time this season, Ginger flooding her basement. Thanks, RuPaul.
Everyone turns to get back to work, but it seems RuPaul isn't done yet.
"OH PIT CREW!" he bellows.
Apparently the queens must use these macabre props to create a second outfit - some sort of voodoo costume that will resurrect the lost souls of everyone over the age of 12 who is still into Hello Kitty. Or something.
I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention, this whole episode is ridiculous.
But enough of all this pussyfooting around, let's get this shit over with.
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* In honour of tonight's kitschy "made in Japan" theme, RuPaul has come dressed as this fibre optic lamp from 1975:
* Michelle Visage has come as this creepy Japanese doll she found in a haunted house:
* Carson Kressley has come as this old Hello Kitty tartan bag:
* Santino is there too, so I hope you all have some replacement underwear for later on, and also Rebecca Romijn because... who the hell knows. Oh, and that stupid cat is there too.
* Tonight there will be two runway parades - the first is a completely stupid one that no one cares about, and the second isn't.
* TOTALLY STUPID RUNWAY PARADE THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT IN A NUTSHELL: Pearl, Violet, Katya, Ginger and Kennedy all dress up in stupid Hello Kitty costumes with stupid Hello Kitty heads on and you can't even see their faces and it's stupid. The end.
* In other news:
* In further news:
* And so we shuffle on through this total waste of an episode to the proper runway challenge, where Violet is doing an impression of the gayest shuttlecock in the world:
Although this really does need to be pointed out:
* Not to be outdone, Katya staples a calculator to her chest and does an impression of the gayest ATM in the world:
* Clearly Ginger Minj got her juices flowing like RuPaul suggested, because she's ended up with pussy all over her chest:
* Hey, I wonder what amazing gown Pearl created with that blanket...?
* And lastly there's Kennedy, looking like an extra from the unreleased original version of Blu Cantrell's "Oops Hit 'Em Up Style" video, as shot in a New Orleans brothel on Mardi Gras weekend:
* Ginger gets attacked by a fly on the runway, and Violet kills it. BECAUSE VIOLET ALWAYS KILLS IT. #TeamViolet
* "My looks are very minimal, I didn't just want to throw a bunch of Hello Kitty trinkets on me to get the point across," Pearl tells the judges.
* Michelle Visage tells Katya her hair doesn't go with her outfit.
* Santino and Michelle both read Kennedy for looking "basic". Kennedy defends herself by saying this is who she is. Well. That's... good.
There's some more deliberation and then the queens all return from the backstage lounge which this week has been sponsored by HELLO FUCKING KITTY OF COURSE.
Violet is declared the winner because DUH, and is rewarded with a bunch of plastic Hello Kitty crap that she'll probably love because she's about 12 years old.
Ginger Minj is sent back to the safe zone, as is Pearl, despite him looking like a teenager who passed out drunk at a frat party and got tied up in a child's blanket with duct tape before having dicks drawn on his face with texta.
And so as always it comes down to two, Kennedy the Mardi Gras hooker and Katya the gayest ATM in the village, who are both forced to duke it out to the only song more annoying than an entire Drag Race episode dedicated to Hello Kitty - Katy Perry's "Roar".
Despite both looking like the least subtle cat burglars of all time they both start off well - they're full of energy and it's quite neck and neck. But then Kennedy begins to swiffer the runway with her wig:
Not content to just buff and shine the catwalk, Kennedy decides the floor needs a wipe too, so jumps down there and gets to work with her crotch:
Not to be outdone, Katya spies a ball of fluff on the other end of the runway and ninja cartwheels over to slam it to smithereens with her taint:
It's such an electric performance Violet Chachki spontaneously bursts into flames at the back of the studio and has to be put out with Pearl's blanket dress.
It is, without a doubt, the best lip sync for your life Drag Race has ever seen.
If RuPaul has any sense at all, she'll let them both shantay and stay.
NOW DO YOU SEE WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE THIS RECAP? I WASN'T EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THIS CRAP.*
*Not really, I'm just lazy, but it's a good excuse.
Ah Katya, as one of the only actually funny queens on this show we'll certainly miss you.
Any final words?
Now go on and read EPISODE 12 or just be totally flase-dah and like, read EPISODE 10 again or something,