Wednesday, May 20, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 7, Episode 11

Yes, yes, yes, I know: it's a full week after episode 11 aired and I'm only just posting this recap now. I KNOW. But it took me that long to get over the fact that...

Well.

You'll see.


Anyway, sheesh, don't be so demanding! Let's just all be a bit more flase-dah, can we?

Hand movements optional, but recommended.

Alright, we're already a whole week late so let's get straight down to it.

Trixie Mattel's no longer around, having been forced to boot-scoot on outta there in half drag last week despite the fact that the judges said she nailed the runway and was fun blah blah blah yada yada welcome to RuPaul's Bizarre Decision Race, where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Violet and Katya are too busy crowing about their win to be too upset, although the result was hardly a surprise - if anyone was going to take out the award for looking most like half a man it was going to be Violet.

No T no shade, but I mean... come on.

Meanwhile, in case you hadn't noticed, WE'RE DOWN TO THE TOP FIVE NOW. How many queens did we start with? About 53? This season began in 2013, right? IT FUCKING FEELS LIKE IT.

Anyway we only have five left which, as Katya points out, is one for each finger (aka Friday night at RuPaul's house).

You have to use the middle one for Katya because... well, don't ask, it's a medical thing.

With everyone assembled at the Werq Room table attempting to say something vaguely entertaining (spoiler: they don't) it's time for another Asexual and Non Gender Specific Mail, heralded as usual by the unmistakable sounds of RuPaul being forced to give Michelle Visage a routine breast examination:

He can't even turn his hands around the right way, he's so traumatised.

"From Tuckahoe to Tokyo, whether you're a couture queen or somebody's BFF, make sure you stand by your brand - konichiwa bitches!" says RuPaul, holding up a painted piece of cardboard to look like a TV screen.

Tokyo... brands... haute couture... konichiwa... I hope this all means their next challenge is going to involve them dressing up in 12 inch heels and branding wagyu cattle on the runway while singing Robyn. (Which actually sounds a bit like a Robyn music video, so feel free to send royalties my way, whoever Robyn's record company is.)

Just then the walls begin to shake and the floor starts to wobble, so everyone grabs onto Ginger for stability because, well, you can't knock that bitch down in a hurry.

"FLASEEEE DAHHHHHHH!" yells Pearl as she hurls herself across the room into a giant barrel of sequins, in what is the most energetic display anyone's seen from her all season. Katya throws herself to the floor and starts reciting Tolstoy when the studio light above Kennedy bursts and plummets to the ground just inches from her head.

"That was the luckiest near miss ever," she gasps, but then remembers the time in episode six she dressed like a voodoo KFC chicken and skated right through the runway, and shuts up.

Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs bursts open and...

Oh. It's just that guy.

For their first challenge RuPaul announces they'll all be sticking their hands into a hole in the wall and pulling something out to play with - something that gives Katya a distinct advantage, as she's been training for it in public bathrooms her whole life.

Well this makes a change from seeing Katya's other hole, I guess.

As it turns out they'll be pulling each other through the hole, and...

No wait, that doesn't sound quite right.

They each line up to stick it in and...

Hmm.

Er, they'll be putting their hands inside miniature versions of each other, and...

Er.

Oh forget it, you know what this is all about.

THIS.

They each get a puppet mini-me, and stick a whole bunch of crap on it with hot glue, and then...

IT'S PUPPET CHALLENGE TIME!

* First up is Pearl with Puppet Kennedy, in what is a perfect recreation in felt and glue of her "Mad Max: Beyond Chickendome" look from episode six:


Wait... that's the puppet on the right, yeah?


* Meanwhile:

"Yeah laugh it up, nosering, your time is coming."


* Kennedy reads the instruction manual for her puppet but gets bored after "Step 1: Insert hand" and forgets to operate the mouth, turning Pearl into a mute who speaks through thought control.

Not that far from reality, actually.

* Meanwhile back at home Kennedy's parents pick up their list marked "Potential Careers for Kennedy" and cross off "Henson Workshop Imagineer".

* Still, she does a better job than Violet, whose puppet version of Katya is just a sock in a blonde wig with a cigarette stuck to its lip:

Wait... Willam...? Is that you?


* Ginger Minj gets confused, makes a Michelle Visage puppet:

Points off for the boobs - too natural looking.


Katya gets confused, makes a Kathy Griffin puppet:

MORE GAY!

Ginger Minj is declared the winner for some reason, and is delighted with her prize - a blink from RuPaul. FEEL THE ADRENALIN.

"For your next challenge you'll be joining forces with a global marketing phenomenon worth $8 billion dollars," announces RuPaul.

OH HOORAY IS IT UNILEVER? 
IS THE NEXT CHALLENGE ANIMAL TESTING?

"She's a girl who's besties with Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj," RuPaul continues.

OH MY GOD IS IT TAYLOR SWIFT?

ARE THEY DOING CHEMICAL TESTING ON TAYLOR SWIFT?

As it turns out it no, they will not be.

Instead they will be working with this thing:

Which I guess is kind of like some sort of freaky animal that escaped from a lab, so you know, I wasn't entirely off.

Apparently Hello Kitty - the inane Japanese cat featured on lunchboxes and pencilcases the world over - is a brand that resonates with viewers of RuPaul's Drag Race,

In other news: I HAVE JUST DIED OF OLD AGE R.I.P. ME.

In other news:

It's good they've found a new job for Ross Matthews.

In other news:

This is the first time Violet's been excited about a pussy.

RuPaul announces they all have to make runway looks out of Hello Kitty merch, aka crappy bits of polyester and plastic shit with her smug little face on them.

Katya unfurls her hammer and sickle and starts singing The Internationale as she begins work on her runway outfit of rags, titled "Overworked Underpaid Guangzhou Factory Workers Eleganza", while everyone else starts cooing over pink vinyl handbags and diamante encrusted beach towels.

Sadly the Hello Kitty vibrator is not available.


Neither is the Hello Kitty urinal target, which would have made for a stunning headpiece.


Obviously not as stunning as this though. 
(Got it in the bag, Pearl).

Given most of the room has the collective design power of a drunk three year old (which, by the way, is no hindrance in Guangzhou), everyone is nervous about having to create gowns from scratch.

Everyone that is apart from Violet, who immediately sets to work on constructing the Sydney Opera House around her head:

"Hmm, I'm going to need some extra support struts for the dress circle balconies..."


Meanwhile, watching at home:

NAILED IT.

"I'm gonna do black and pink," announces Kennedy, as if that is in any way a remarkable concept for a challenge revolving around a black and white cat that wears pink.

"I want to make it like, Becky who's 21 years old with a hot boyfriend who has a fetish for Hello Kitty," she says.

Yes, well excuse me if I haven't lost some confidence in Kennedy's creative visions.
In other news: who the hell is Becky?

Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs spontaneously explodes into a thousand pieces, raining cardboard and paddlepop sticks over the entire workroom, and when the dust clears all that's standing there is a seven foot tall piece of beef jerky:

Oh no wait, it's former Drag Race judge Santino.

Clearly the producers couldn't afford enough severance pay when they kicked Santino off last season, and have had to make it up by getting everyone to pretend he's some sort of sex symbol.

"So just, open my mouth like this? Is this what you want me to do?"


"Put my hands over my where? My heart?"


"Guys, my jaw is starting to hurt, have you got the shot of me fawning yet?"


"Santino walks in and I flood my basement, bitch!" declares Ginger Minj for the second time this season.

Also for the second time this season, everyone at home does this.

Kennedy tells RuPaul and Santino she is the "catsuit queen", but doesn't know how to make one.

"That's like somebody liking enchiladas but not knowing how to make one!" RuPaul says, and everyone laughs as if it was an actual joke instead of a really weird thing to say.

Clearly Chipotle doesn't exist in RuPaul's world, a dystopian nether-universe where one must know how to be completely self sufficient and manufacture all of one's desires from scratch.

Hey RuPaul, here are some other things this situation is like:

It's like a person who likes cars but doesn't know how to make one!


It's like a couple that loves babies but doesn't know how to make one!


It's like someone who loves being kept on the earth through the power of gravity but doesn't know how to make it!

Meanwhile, whatever hallucinogenic drug they used to make the queens think Santino was a stud clearly hasn't worn off on Violet yet:

I think we can all stop saying Violet can't act now.

Violet explains her outfit as "bubblegum pop mod meets Harajuku" (which, again Robyn, is a great idea for your next music video.) (Call me).

"That's really incredible," Santino growls - although actually, that might have just been a plane flying over my house, they sound kind of the same.

"This boning you're using, that's for your head?" he continues.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"HAVEN'T HAD ANY COMPLAINTS YET!"

"VIOLET LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN GAYDAR, BITCH!" shrieks Kennedy.

And with that, Kennedy deftly dances her way back into my heart.

Over in the other corner Katya is devoid of creative ideas, and freaking out over what sort of costume to make.

"If you can incorporate Hello Kitty into who Katya is, you're gonna be alright," advises Santino.

"Excuse me ma'am, you're under arrest for indecent exposure and lewd behaviour..."

Yeah, like that.

Over on the other side of the Werq Room Pearl and RuPaul are finally getting to the bottom of Drag Race's most fascinating new mystery: the etymology of the word "flase-dah".

Yes, that.

"Did you make that up?" RuPaul asks.

"I guess so.. I mean, I thought it was a real word but maybe I thought of it in a dream," says Pearl.

Well Pearl does have a very active imagination...

Oh wait. No she doesn't.

They leave her to continue cutting up blankets (because as everyone knows the most creative way to approach a design challenge using unusual materials is to use the stuff that's most like actual fabric - that always impresses the judges) and go over to Ginger Minj.

"I'm trying to figure out what the next move is," she sighs.

"Get to work and let those juices flow!" says RuPaul, as we all imagine, for the third time this season, Ginger flooding her basement. Thanks, RuPaul.

Everyone turns to get back to work, but it seems RuPaul isn't done yet.

"OH PIT CREW!" he bellows.

The Pit Crew arrives with a special delivery of severed heads, direct from the Hello Kitty killing fields in northern Japan.

Apparently the queens must use these macabre props to create a second outfit - some sort of voodoo costume that will resurrect the lost souls of everyone over the age of 12 who is still into Hello Kitty. Or something.

I dunno, I wasn't really paying attention, this whole episode is ridiculous.

This sums it up nicely.

But enough of all this pussyfooting around, let's get this shit over with.

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In honour of tonight's kitschy "made in Japan" theme, RuPaul has come dressed as this fibre optic lamp from 1975:

If you rub it, it lights up. 
RuPaul, I mean, not the lamp. That has a switch.

* Michelle Visage has come as this creepy Japanese doll she found in a haunted house:

You'll note that, unlike the doll, Michelle still has her mask on to hide her soulless eyes which lead men into the depths of hell.

* Carson Kressley has come as this old Hello Kitty tartan bag:

"Which tart are you calling an old bag?"

* Santino is there too, so I hope you all have some replacement underwear for later on, and also Rebecca Romijn because... who the hell knows. Oh, and that stupid cat is there too.

* Tonight there will be two runway parades - the first is a completely stupid one that no one cares about, and the second isn't.

* TOTALLY STUPID RUNWAY PARADE THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT IN A NUTSHELL: Pearl, Violet, Katya, Ginger and Kennedy all dress up in stupid Hello Kitty costumes with stupid Hello Kitty heads on and you can't even see their faces and it's stupid. The end.

* In other news:

I really like the new direction Madonna has taken with her new album.

* In further news:

Russia's entry for Eurovision this year has winner written all over it.

* And so we shuffle on through this total waste of an episode to the proper runway challenge, where Violet is doing an impression of the gayest shuttlecock in the world:

A shuttlecock all covered in pussies. I mean kitties. I mean... look forget the innuendo, this outfit is to die and we should all just shut up and stare at it some more.

Although this really does need to be pointed out:

Bonus points for Muppets realness.

* Not to be outdone, Katya staples a calculator to her chest and does an impression of the gayest ATM in the world:

Now accepting deposits.

* Clearly Ginger Minj got her juices flowing like RuPaul suggested, because she's ended up with pussy all over her chest:

Just remember what mama said: guys don't make passes at girls who wear kitties on their titties.

* Hey, I wonder what amazing gown Pearl created with that blanket...?

MYSTERY SOLVED.

* And lastly there's Kennedy, looking like an extra from the unreleased original version of  Blu Cantrell's "Oops Hit 'Em Up Style" video, as shot in a New Orleans brothel on Mardi Gras weekend:

Girl. You're making it really hard to love you.

* Ginger gets attacked by a fly on the runway, and Violet kills it. BECAUSE VIOLET ALWAYS KILLS IT. #TeamViolet

* "My looks are very minimal, I didn't just want to throw a bunch of Hello Kitty trinkets on me to get the point across," Pearl tells the judges.

Yeah, that giant Hello Kitty shaped tumour on top of your head was probably enough.

* Michelle Visage tells Katya her hair doesn't go with her outfit.

Unlike Michelle's hair, which goes with two different oufits at once.

* Santino and Michelle both read Kennedy for looking "basic". Kennedy defends herself by saying this is who she is. Well. That's... good.

There's some more deliberation and then the queens all return from the backstage lounge which this week has been sponsored by HELLO FUCKING KITTY OF COURSE.

Violet is declared the winner because DUH, and is rewarded with a bunch of plastic Hello Kitty crap that she'll probably love because she's about 12 years old.

Ginger Minj is sent back to the safe zone, as is Pearl, despite him looking like a teenager who passed out drunk at a frat party and got tied up in a child's blanket with duct tape before having dicks drawn on his face with texta.

And so as always it comes down to two, Kennedy the Mardi Gras hooker and Katya the gayest ATM in the village, who are both forced to duke it out to the only song more annoying than an entire Drag Race episode dedicated to Hello Kitty - Katy Perry's "Roar".

Despite both looking like the least subtle cat burglars of all time they both start off well - they're full of energy and it's quite neck and neck. But then Kennedy begins to swiffer the runway with her wig:

No wonder she won those cleaning products back in episode four.

Not content to just buff and shine the catwalk, Kennedy decides the floor needs a wipe too, so jumps down there and gets to work with her crotch:

BAM! And the dirt is gone!

Not to be outdone, Katya spies a ball of fluff on the other end of the runway and ninja cartwheels over to slam it to smithereens with her taint:

"You want clean? I'LL SHOW YOU CLEAN."

It's such an electric performance Violet Chachki spontaneously bursts into flames at the back of the studio and has to be put out with Pearl's blanket dress.

"I THOUGHT THIS SHIT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FLAME RETARDANT!"

It is, without a doubt, the best lip sync for your life Drag Race has ever seen.

If RuPaul has any sense at all, she'll let them both shantay and stay.

Ah bugger.

NOW DO YOU SEE WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE THIS RECAP? I WASN'T EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THIS CRAP.*

*Not really, I'm just lazy, but it's a good excuse.

Ah Katya, as one of the only actually funny queens on this show we'll certainly miss you.

Any final words?

Ditto.

Now go on and read EPISODE 12 or just be totally flase-dah and like, read EPISODE 10 again or something,



12 comments :

  1. *sigh* I miss Katya already

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  2. I didn't watch this episode, and probably won't watch the rest.

    I agree with an understand the confusion and horror with this elimination.

    Honestly, I think RuPaul has never made great decisions. Remember the year Tyra Sanchez won after physically assaulting another contestant? Remember how Alyssa Edwards went home because... huh? There have been a lot of weird decisions over the years. Chad Michaels was eliminated for being too good at drag, FFS. Yeah, she eventually won All Stars, but Chad Michaels should have won outright.

    I'll be honest, I didn't really like Jinx Monsoon, Bianca Del Rio, or Sharon Needles either. Shocking, I know. I don't get all twisted over their wins, but they left me fairly flat.

    However, having said all that, I don't ever remember feeling as screwed over by any random decision as the one to send Katya home. Not even the Trixie Mattel one, which was admittedly, odd, but not quite the same visceral kick in the face.

    Katya is this season's spiritual winner for sure. The people's winner. So much more than mere Miss Congeniality. Just like Alyssa Edwards was for her season. Just like Alaska Thunderfuck was for her season. Almost every season, Ru crowns a queen who slips into relative obscurity while the real winner (usually eliminated 2/3rds of the way through the race) makes money through actual bookings and fan love.

    You know what RuPaul's drag race has shown time and time again? That Ru couldn't pick a winner if she had 6 weeks, a panel full of judges and a hotel full of captive queens. So at this point, we probably shouldn't be that surprised.

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    1. Ru tries to pick the most marketable queen, not the best. That's why Pearl has made it as far as she has, and Adore last season. She slips girls with actual talent in and often gives them the crown, but only if she thinks they're going to sell. Katya was just too weird for Ru to think fans would like, which is kinda ridiculous considering how everyone fell in love with her immediately, but whatever. But Katya is this enigma, a totally bizarre and lewd hooker, but not in a "fuck you I'm different and defy your norms" the way Sharon is. She's just herself, and herself happens to be insane. I don't think Ru expected everyone to live for her the way they did, and we died.

      I don't really understand what the editors were thinking with Ginger, though. I'm assuming Ru expected her to go far, because she's a big girl and, let's be honest, funny and talented as hell. But then the producers go for this really nasty edit. Are they trying to turn her into the PhiPhi of the season? Because all the queens have said they have a good relationship . . . not as much as they all love Darienne, but still it's obvious the editing's emphasizing the shade and downplaying the humor. So they've ruined Ginger's chances at winning, basically . . . so why?

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  3. Oh, and I'd just like to also say that I think this is the result of sheer laziness on RuPaul's part. RuPaul doesn't associate with contestants much at all. That much has been made public. The shenanigans in the work room are never really seen until after the show has been edited.

    Katya has been so graceful and said that Kennedy slayed her in the lipsync and that RuPaul didn't see who she really was.

    Well, maybe that's because RuPaul doesn't seem to be looking very hard. Drag Race this season has been a vehicle for selling those cheap looking 'maquettes' (and having eliminated contestants hold one while talking about having just been booted off the show is pretty awful, IMO.)

    Ru has been outspoken about being in drag only for the money for years, but as time has gone on, his passion has clearly waned. And I think that's why this season has been so particularly awful.

    (And don't even get me started on calling Ginger a 'big girl' as if it's a protected class like gay people or black people or whatever. I don't think people should be discriminated against because of their weight, but it's not a minority like the others. You are born gay. Or black. You are not born fat. You can always eat less. That's always an option. I'm not saying people should starve themselves. I'm saying an extra hundred pounds is not okay. And frankly, if this season turns out to be just one big run up to crowning the plus size girl no matter what, then I might just be done with drag race for good.)

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  4. THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN A DOUBLE SHANTAY, OH MY GOD. Or Pearl should've been sent home, because that dress was lazy and hideous, and only Santino's bs gave it any sort of validity. (Words can't express how much I appreciate that you're not in love with her. She's the fan favorite right now and it kinda makes me sick.)

    I'm guessing Violet will win, because she's amazing and everyone hates Ginger and Kennedy. Shame, not because Violet doesn't deserve it (she totally does) but because fans are so easily manipulated by shady editing into thinking the older girls are evil. But that crown belongs to Katya, and I might cry when I have to watch Bianca put it on some other bitch's head.

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  5. Thanks for sharing the recap of the one of the best episodes as this has the most interesting and unforgettable moments to be shared.

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  6. Petra, my dear, THANK you. Thank you so damned much for these recaps! They must take a bazillion hours to do, but they are very, VERY much appreciated. I look forward to your recaps more than I look forward to the next episode! (Particularly this season...).

    Your Muppet Realness clock had me HOWLING! I'm all, like, hashtag, team Violet right along with you, but you still nailed that one.

    You are wonderful, sweetie. Please keep writing! RPDR wouldn't be the same without you!

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  7. Thank god I wasn't watching this season. I feel like this would've been the end of me because Katya seems like she would be a favorite of mine.

    Now, thank YOU for making these awesome recaps, they're always hilarious and they make my day. Keep up the good work, girl~

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I had a typo in my OG reply and I'm too anal for my own good. Anyway, didn't watch this season when it first aired either, missed Santino, is a freak for missing RPDR because of that. Lots of feels. This elimination was easier for me to watch because I knew Katya became successful

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  8. another awesome recap, thank you!!!

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  9. Have you given up recapping? Your recaps have been the only thing that have made this season worth watching!

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