Saturday, May 30, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 7, Episode 12

With just four queens left we're certainly at the pointy end of the competition now, kids!


Although let's not forget Miss Fame was already at the pointy end in episode one. She was such a pioneer.

Emotions are running high after Katya's elimination last week  (either that, or the producers have just checked this season's production logs and realised they've forgotten to include any controversy or shade whatsoever) and so everyone starts attacking each other for no reason.

"Kennedy Davenport, your Hello Kitty was a 'hell no kitty'," snarks Pearl.

"This is not a sewing competition!" snips Kennedy.

"NO OTHER BITCH ON THIS SHOW HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO SING LIKE ME OR ACT LIKE ME," yells Ginger to anyone who's interested, which is no one.

This is the appropriate reaction to all of that.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werq Room where OH GOD DON'T TELL ME THEY'RE BRINGING ANOTHER BLOODY DRAG QUEEN BACK?


Oh no wait, that's just Michelle Visage.

"For your final four challenge you'll be starring with RuPaul in the official music video for 'Born Naked'," she announces, her breast plate quivering in excitement.

Yes, it's the last chance to separate the men from the boys...

Er...  the women from the girls...

Um... the princesses... from the... oh fuck it, look it's the final challenge and one of them's gonna get cut.

"AND edited out of the final video," Michelle adds.

LUCKY GINGER IS THE BEST EVER AT SINGING AND ACTING SO SHE'LL BE FINE.

First up: choreography classes with this life size Jem Doll:

"SHOWTIME, SYNERGY!"

According to Jem and her holographic talent machine the choreography for this music video is "going to throw back to the 1980s strong woman look".

"I WAS BORN IN '92," announces Violet, presumably by way of explaining how such characterisation would be impossible for her to emulate.

Poor Violet, the world must be so confusing for someone who can only understand things that have come into existence since 1992.

How do you text on this thing?



What does this do?


What the hell is a Jem?


Kennedy, can you sum this one up please?

To be fair, this is how I feel about basically everyone born after 1985.

Meanwhile, in a room down the hall, RuPaul is preparing for life after Drag Race by auditioning to be the new face of Kambrook appliances:

This is what you call "gender blending".

Just as she's about to demonstrate how easy it is to blend a new iPhone she's rudely interrupted by Kennedy, who starts spouting off anecdotes about her life while RuPaul nods and pretends to listen.

"My dad died two years ago, and it still hurts..."


"Oh sure. Uh huh."


"He always *sob* came to my pageants *sob sob*..."


"Sorry, did you say your dog died?"


"My sister is severely mentally retarded, and after dad died I became her caregiver..."


"I hope the canteen has some of that quinoa salad left..."

Back in the Werq Room Ginger is throwing some shade at Violet, and not just the kind that usually happens when she stands in front of the light.

"You were having trouble with the choreography, and you've also been clocked for your acting in the past, does that scare you at all?" she asks, wiping the totally unmelted butter from her lips.

She's not reacting to Ginger - this was the moment Kennedy walked back in the room and blinded everyone with her facial sequins.


Moving on to "Daddy Issues Chats with RuPaul" volume two, this time starring Ginger.

"When I was 14 my dad left us..."


"Did I leave the iron on?"


"My entire life I didn't even know who my father was..."


"Yep. I'm sure I did."


"I just hope he's proud of me..."


"Oh wait, it's got that auto switch off feature. Phew."

Meanwhile back in the Werq Room Kennedy is busy preparing for life post Drag Race by practicing for her Advanced Diploma in Dog Grooming on a passing Bichon Frise:

It's always good to have a backup career.

Next on RuPaul's therapy couch is Violet, who immediately shows why she's renowned for her intelligence and eloquence.

"I think the thing I've learned throughout this process is to be aware of your first impressions, because it could be a lot more difficult to change someone's first impression after their mind's been made up," she says.

Yes.

Or in slightly more pithy format: "You only get one chance to make a first impression".

Here's Violet doing an impression of an idiot.

"You are REALLY SPECIAL," gushes RuPaul.

"A lot of people will take the rest of their lives to get where you already are."

"Sitting here, in front of me."

Then Pearl rocks up and RuPaul has to pretend she knows who she is, so asks a generic question like "So... have you surprised yourself on this show... my dear?"

"I surprised myself coming in here and retreating into my shell, I've never had these moments of clamming up," Pearl says.

If she can work "bivalve" in to her next sentence they'll really go wild.

Still trying to figure out her name, RuPaul asks Pearl what she was like at age seven.

"I was going through some pretty traumatic times, mental, emotional, physical, psychological torment every day," Pearl says, on the verge of tears.

"Nope. Still can't place you, sorry."

"When I first met you I sensed there was something else going on with you and it felt like a traumatic issue to me," RuPaul says.

"Yeah," agrees Pearl, fighting back emotions.

THEN NO ONE EXPLAINS OR SAYS ANYTHING MORE ABOUT IT BECAUSE I DUNNO WHY WOULD THAT BE IMPORTANT AT ALL.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, total lack of explanation of Pearl's emotional trauma... and it's the next day and...

IT'S MUSIC VIDEO SHOOT TIME!

* Today the queens will have to lip sync to RuPaul's "Born Naked" while dancing in black support underwear in front of a green screen. So don't worry, it's the same high quality music video we've all gotten used to over the years.

Don't worry, they'll Photoshop some talent in later.

* Seriously, Anaconda 3 had higher production values than this shit.

DON'T MOVE OR THOSE PIXELS WILL GET YOU!

Kennedy lifts her wig, sets her dial to "Maximum Bob Fosse", and rips out a hair-whippingly perfect routine of 1980s spunk.

Not to be outdone, Ginger just rips out her hair:

Ginger honey, it's born NAKED, not bald.

* Pearl demonstrates her signature move "the Pearl pull down", which she's spent the last 12 weeks perfecting in every other dance challenge:

And you all thought it was because she didn't have any other moves. Shame on you.

Meanwhile:

Exclusive bonus footage of Pearl during rehearsal.

* Pearl smashes so hard her wig gets freaked out and tries to escape her face by sliding silently off the back of her head. Sadly Jem doll notices, and the entire shoot has to be stopped until Pearl can find some Tarzan's Grip.

* Kennedy is so unimpressed she spontaneously does an impression of the opening to Biz Markie's Turn Tha Party Out:

Kennedy can perform under any circumstances.

* With Pearl indisposed we move on to Violet, who has accidentally learned the parental advisory version of the song by mistake:

To be fair it IS better.

* She also screws up her dancing because apparently of the two things Violet had to remember to do today - dance and sing - she forgot one of them. Still, with a corset that tight it's a wonder she even remembers her own name, so I think we can all forgive her.

* Next up is the "acting" part of the video, where all the queens have to dress up as various characters and pretend to be part of a tense family dinner at Dave Chappelle's house:

Now we know where he's been all this time.

* Starring Pearl as Eminem:

Mom's spaghetti.

* Violet Chachki as Alyssa Edwards:

"CHIN ROLLS?"

* Mathu Andersen as "Man Who Fell Asleep in Betroot Soup":

They call him the dread Pirate Pinkbeard.

* And Violet Chachki as me:

Friday night selfie.

* Long story short: they're all pretty terrible.

Anyway doobly doo, wavy blah blah, doobly dooble yada yada and we're all back in the Werq Room to prepare for the FINAL RUNWAY.

Kind of like this, but not as glamorous.

Now that Violet has mastered the concept of "first impressions" she shows off her knowledge to the rest of the group, recounting her first thoughts on Pearl and her "face chin".

"Dude, it's called a chinstrap."

"Violet, my first impression of you was that you were full of yourself. Has that changed? No it hasn't," says Kennedy, interviewing herself because no one else wants to.

Then Ginger jumps on the bitter old bandwagon, telling Violet she's too young and immature to be America's Next Drag Superstar.

"YOU HAVE TO BE AN AMBASSADOR!" they shriek.

"YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE GAME LONG ENOUGH!" they yell.

"YOU DON'T HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS!" they hoot.

Violet accepts all this abuse with a polite nod and an "I understand".

So fortunately Pearl is there with the appropriate response:

I think she's saying "thank you"...?

But enough of all this friendly backstage banter, it's time to kick one of these bitches to the kerb!

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* I tried long and hard to come up with a joke about Ru's runway look tonight. I really did. But I failed.

BECAUSE LOOK AT THE BITCH.

Sorry.

* Luckily Michelle Visage has come dressed as BDSM Barbie so all is not lost for the world of comedy:

If you pull her string she... actually no, don't pull her string. Seriously.

* First up is Kennedy who has sadly misheard this week's theme of "best drag" as "best snacks", and come as a packet of Fruit Tingles:

She tingles on your tongue (but only if you pay extra).

* Moving on to Violet Chachki, who looks like a tube of Cirque Du Soleil themed toothpaste that's been squeezed out too far:

I am not feeling that underboob roll, girl.

* And then there's Ginger, who may or may not have her hand on a Van der Graaff generator just out of shot:

The higher the hair, the bigger the hole in the Ozone layer!

* And finally there's Pearl, wearing something I swear to god I have seen her wear at least three times before but after an exhaustive search it appears I haven't. I'm not sure if that says more about her look or my memory.

This looks familiar, right? RIGHT?

* Because this episode only has four queens and one challenge there's about 10 minutes of blank air time to pad out, so RuPaul whips out a baby photo of each queen and make them deliver a speech to themselves like it's "This is Your Life" or something.

"What would Pearl have to say to little Matthew?"

"In about 15 years, watch out for that woman on your right."

* "You're about to enter the toughest years of your life, and shit's gonna suck real bad for a long time and people are gonna fuck you up and take advantage of you and people are gonna be looking at you from across the room for so long and you're not going to understand why..." Pearl tells her former self, tears streaming down her face.

NAH IT'S COOL, NO ONE NEEDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT, WE'RE COOL.

Meanwhile:

Just saying.


* All the judges' comments are super nice and super boring, save for Michelle Visage who goes Level 7 Latrice Royale on everyone.

 "I think this look is very representative of YOUR best drag," she tells Kennedy.

OOOH!

* "Don't take this as shade, but did you run out of clothes?" she says to Violet.


* "Your characters were the most fleshed out," she tells Ginger.

TO A FAT GIRL? REALLY?

* RuPaul asks each queen why they should be America's Next Drag Superstar TM.

"I'm the best," says Kennedy.

"I'm better with a skinnier waist," says Violet.

"I'm the best actor and singer ever in the world. Plus I'm fat," says Ginger.

"What was the question again?" asks Pearl.

There's some more deliberation and all the queens return from the backstage lounge which this week hasn't been sponsored by anyone, because this is the final episode in the studio so who even cares anymore.

And this being the final week, no one is in the safe zone, meaning all four queens must fight to the death in a four way free for all.

It's a real pity Katya isn't here, that sort of thing is her specialty.

What follows is three and a half minutes of everyone totally losing their shit to RuPaul's "Born Naked" (now available on iTunes), including Pearl stripping down to her lingerie and sliding down the runway like Dee Snyder on meth:

"WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT!"

Ginger doing an impression of a double amputee:

She actually just fell through the stage and is waiting for the winch to pull her out.

And Violet giving a blow job to the Invisible Man:

He was tall, yes.

Everyone really pulls it out, but unfortunately for Kennedy not far enough - she's told to sashay away.

Any final words, Kennedy?


Well that's it! We have our final three! Now go on and read THE GRAND FINALE to find out who is crowned the winnahhh!

Or forget reality and go and live in the past by reading EPISODE 11 again.



12 comments :

  1. THANK YOU!!!!!

    will there be a recap of the 'look back at season 7' episode?
    I don't blame you if you not only don't recap it but decide to skip watching it at all.... if last year's was crap this year's version is just so so more so, and so booooooooooring.

    Now Rupaul, just crown Katya or Max and get on with Season 8. Bring it!!

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    Replies
    1. Katya or Max?? What was I thinking?!?! Pearl then... or Violet... just not the mangy Minj.

      Delete
  2. Re Pearl ~ no, it's not just you. I love that look but I had thought she'd worn it a few times before.
    Another great recap, thank you!!. I just hope Season 8 doesn't run out of steam like this season has. This season must have made it hard for inspiration for your recaps, wasn't the easiest of viewing.

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  3. Love love LOVE your recaps this season. I don't even know who should win at this point. I was so Team Katya that when she was booted I felt like the whole season just deflated. Like so many balls. Having Kennedy shashay away that episode really just threw salt in the fresh pink gaping hole Katya left.

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    Replies
    1. Kennedy? really? salt in wounds? *shrugs* I guess someone had to like him.

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    2. Umm, obviously. She was a great performer, and should have been top 3. Her record was better than Pearl's at least. Not to mention I thought it was one of THE DUMBEST decisions ever to cut Kennedy out of the music video. They didn't cut Darienne out last season, and while yes, I understand that Kennedy didn't do well at the acting section, she was the ONLY one that legitimately did a great job in the dancing section.

      The acting part wasn't even in the final music video just like before, so it literally made no sense to cut Kennedy, the only good dancer of the 3 out of the video, and leave us with the final product, which was basically just 3 bad dancers awkwardly flailing for the entire length of the video.

      Delete
    3. So two people like Kennedy, whoopie fricken doo.

      Delete
    4. I like Kennedy too, as do Katya and Violet, so don't be a jerk, anon. She performed insanely well in this competition and especially this challenge, and way better than Pearl (but like that's new; Pearl just keeps coasting by, doesn't she?).

      Really want Ginger to take it, but that's not a popular opinion. Violet is equally talented but in the fashion sense rather than performing, and I just prefer a comedy queen.

      Delete
    5. Wow, that sure put me in my place, 5 people now. Yes she's good at was she does best but as soon as she opens her mouth or has to play nice, there is her downfall.
      Yours truly,
      jerk, anon.

      Delete
  4. I loved all of your recaps! Looked forward to them every week and usually laughed so hard I cried. Please keep up the great work next season!

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  5. For the finale ep prior to the big announcement, this really was terrible. Way too many challenges going on, and we never got to see any of the results cohesively. And then they all lipsync anyway, negating entirely the previous 40 minutes! They really could have just sent two queens home last week and gone straight to the finale proper.

    Oh Katya - you are the true star anyway. Who does Ru think he's kidding?

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  6. I feel so let down by this season after hanging out so badly for it. Bad judging, uninteresting challenges and the extremely Black & Gold budget version of Untucked. No special guest visitors, no pink furry box,only two messages from home, what's up with that? The favourite mini challenges like The Library is Open and Puppets had about five minutes of footage, some queens were all but edited out of maxi challenges like Snatch Game . . . so disappointing.

    ReplyDelete