Rub yourself with glue stick and roll around in sequins until you cough up a glitterball because it's finally here, hunties - drag's night of nights! The party to end all parties! It's the DRAG RACE SEASON SEVEN GRAND FINALE!
Hundreds have turned out for the live taping in Hollywood, and JUST LOOK HOW EXCITED EVERYONE IS!
Well I say "excited" but really I mean "drunk". Probably. (I mean, have you ever been to a live show taping? Copious amounts of alcohol are the only thing that makes them bearable).
Speaking of which, let's not forget the annual Bland Canyon Drag Race Finale Drinking Game! Get out your goon, crack your homebrew, make sure your jelly shots are nicely greased up and get ready to party like you're on the door list!
The rules are simple. Just drink a shot when:
* One of the Bland Canyon Holy Six Pack appears.
* RuPaul tries to make "She done already done had herses" happen.
* Pearl pulls "Pearl Face".
* Ginger Minj reminds everyone she's fat.
* Violet Chachki wears a corset.
* Any of the judges makes a pun.
* The camera cuts to a shot of Miley Cyrus to prove there is a real, live celebrity in the audience.
* An eliminated queen suffers from the delusion that the audience still cares about her and things get awkward.
* Someone does an impression of a roll of aluminium foil.
Well we're off to a fine start!
OK so on we go to...
Now we're all nicely buzzed we can move on to the Parade of the Damned, aka the Walk of Shame, aka All the Eliminated Queens We No Longer Care About Reminding Us They Still Exist Parade, which starts with Tempest DuJour rocking the runway as the Virgin Mary:
She's followed by Sasha Belle whose attempt to rebrand herself as Roxxy Andrews backfires when the producers put a giant "SASHA" next to her head:
BREAKING: Jasmine Masters looks fabulous!
Oh look, it's... her.
Kandy Ho looks like a strange and beautiful turd laid by some sort of rare animal:
Next up is Max, aka Style Personified, aka The One Wot Got Sent Home Way Too Early, aka The Official Bland Canyon Favourite, aka WHY DID THEY HAVE TO SEND YOU HOME MAX, WHYYYYYYY.
Max isn't hanging around - she's only just stopped in on her way to a "Comic Book Villains After Retirement" themed fancy dress party.
Oh look - it's out of focus Jinkx!
Jesus, how far back is she? The bus stop down the street?
Next up is Miss Fame, whose dress looks like a mildly annoyed alien insect:
Then there's Trixie Mattel, aka The One We Were All Super Upset To See Leave Early But Then Realised When She Came Back She Actually Wasn't That Great So You Know Whatever:
Next up is Katya, who has come ready to debut her new single - a cover of the Pussycat Dolls hit called "Dontcha Wish I Were in the Top Three".
She's taken "retro glam" as her style inspiration tonight, dressing as an eye test developed by the defence force in the 1950s to weed out homosexuals.
Moving on to Kennedy Davenport, whose hair was looking amazing right before it got crapped on by whatever animal laid Kandy Ho earlier:
Meanwhile, in the crowd:
God, is anyone else thirsty? This drinking game is heading south fast. Look, I'm just going to invent a new rule, just off the top of my head.
OK, um... drink if... someone does an impression of an extinct giant elephant.
Hmm. Sorry, I don't know why I said that. That's really unlikely to...
Meanwhile, watching at home:
And finally we get to our top three, starting with Ginger Minj who is feeling herself in blue sequins and chiffon...
She's followed by Pearl, who has come dressed as Pearl From Every Previous Challenge Ever:
But then this happens:
And finally we have Violet Chachki looking like what you'd get if you took mushrooms and stared at a poodle for too long:
If Michelle Visage doesn't say "she'd give a dog a bone" at some point during this show, all hope is lost for humanity.
Suddenly there's a deafening crack of thunder and all the lightbulbs simultaneously explode, plunging the theatre into complete darkness with Jasmine Masters' teeth the only available light source. As the largest, most reflective surface Ginger Minj stands in front of her and slowly rotates, gradually illuminating the auditorium, where Latrice Royale is beating her fists on the ground shrieking "JESUS IS A BISCUIT!" and Milk is stress-eating her shoes (although to be fair, she normally does that on Monday nights anyway). Naturally Jinkx Monsoon remains calm, although that's just because she's so far back in the stalls she can't see what's going on.
Gasps give way to screams as an ominous moaning noise begins to emanate from the stage area. Jasmine whips her head around so her teeth can illuminate the curtains as they start to ripple and shake, eventually parting to reveal a light so bright it melts the retinas of everyone in the first five rows.
IS THIS THE COMING OF THE LORD?
In a last ditch bid to secure a sponsor for the final episode, RuPaul has rocked up dressed as a roll of We Love Coles 20m Aluminium Foil (wow - DRINK! Who knew that would happen?), now on special for just $1.99.
Up in the balcony the judges are really impressed.
The permanent blindness!
What an amazing opening to this star-studded gala.
Oh sorry, did you not catch that?
Sensing she only has about 16 seconds before the camera makes its way back to Miley Cyrus, RuPaul quickly blurts out that Pearl, Ginger and Violet will each have to do one final lip sync performance "of a song written especially for them".
Oh good, because Drag Race has such a great history of penning quality tunes.
First up is Ginger Minj with her song "Pray and Slay", which I assume is a musical tribute to Charles Manson.
Sadly my TV speakers blew the moment she started singing and it took me the entire length of the song to fix them so I missed all the lyrics. But from the staging I gathered that, in fact, it was a post modernist gospel warning about the danger of nuclear fission.
And the crowd LOVES it!
But what do the judges think?
Next it's time for an interview, but sadly the real Ginger is so exhausted from her performance they have to wheel out her cyborg substitute, the Gingerbot 5000:
Fortunately it's been updated with the latest operating system, so remembers to remind everyone that Ginger is fat.
"Girl I'm a size 22 and no matter which way the light hits me I'm gonna throw shade in one direction or another," it says (DRINK).
QUICK SHOTS ROUND! Thank god
"It is time for a big girl to win," says the Gingerbot. Drink.
"But I don't want to win because I'm big," it continues. Drink again.
"I want to win because I came in with guns a-blazin and I killed the competition!"
Then there's a bunch of video messages from Ginger's family including her long absent dad who, as we know from last week's episode, can't talk or is allergic to telephones or lives on the moon or something.
So touching is the moment it triggers the Gingerbot's superior emotion-recognition software, causing it to leak fluid from its light receptors.
Of course RuPaul is touched:
Meanwhile, in the audience:
"WE ALL LOVE THE MINJ!" announces RuPaul to a room 95 per cent comprised of gay men.
Meanwhile, it's nice to see Courtney Act finally got inside - the poor thing had to spend hours out the front trying to convince security who she was.
Next on stage is Pearl with her song "Sleepwalker", an ode to her sponsor - Valium.
Anyway, over to the judges:
But now it's audience question time, and look, here's your next drink:
"Pearl, is it just me, or does everybody wanna f**k you?" asks Alaska.
(Side note: this is totally a come on line, and if there's a potential video in this I'm right on board. Thanks.)
"Really I want people to like me because I'm talented and I'm unique and I have nerve and charisma," says Pearl, adding "And I can't spell."
Then the Mother of Pearl in the audience pipes up to announce she has started a Facebook fan page and has been "inundated with private messaging from younger gays and boys". I'm sure that sounded better in her head.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, DID YOU KNOW MILEY CYRUS WAS THERE?
I SAID MILEY FRIGGING CYRUS GOD DAMMIT.
Finally out comes Violet Chachki with "Too Many Daddies and Not Enough Time", a heartwarming ode to gay parenting.
She's gone retro Hollywood glam for this one in a diamond encrusted black gown, but pretty soon her skirt comes off and BOOM, she's in a corset.
So DRINK UP.
Next thing you know the corset's come off too, and BOOM, she's in her lingerie.
Then with a final wiggle and shake, BOOM - she's topless and twirling her tassels.
There's pretty much no way anyone is beating that performance.
I mean, there's half an hour left of this shit but I think we all know where this is going, right?
Then there's an interview in which Violet reveals she went to Catholic School (so keep it up, god botherers!) and they cut to Miley Cyrus about six more times (so drink up, kids), meaning this is me right now:
Our top three queens all go backstage to do lines off RuPaul's handbag, and we move on to the part of the show no one enjoys - talking to the eliminated queens.
First up are Tempest, Sasha, Jasmine and Mrs Kasha Davis.
I just can't wait to hear all their amazing stories of the one to six days they spent on the show.
Speaking of films:
* Jasmine Masters announces her idol is Patti Labelle, which is super convenient because RuPaul saw Patti on a plane just the other week as she was passing through premium economy on her way to the back, and managed to get a phone video of her wishing Jasmine good luck. Of course, Patti thought Jasmine was an eight year old girl with cancer and RuPaul was from the Make A Wish Foundation, but hey, no harm done.
* Hey, isn't Sasha Belle looking great!
* Not to be outdone, Mrs Kasha Davis declares: "I'm wearing two of Violet's corsets right here!", holding up her wrists.
* Then she introduces her husband Mr Kasha Davis, and... OH LOOK IT'S FUCKING MILEY CYRUS!
RuPaul pulls a lever and all four queens fall through a giant trapdoor in the floor, to be immediately replaced by Kandy Ho, Max, Jaidynn and Fame so this boring charade can continue.
* Kandy Ho, admits she only started doing her own makeup one month before the show started.
* "In Puerto Rico we just say to our fabulous makeup artists 'paint me, do my hair, dress me up', and I'm gone," Kandy Ho says.
* RuPaul asks Max about her "anti-sex talk" stance on the show.
"I'm not that big a prude, honest to goodness!" says Max, adding "Whoopsie daisy, golly gosh!"
* Max says some more things but I don't take any of them in because I'm just letting her fabulous accent wash all over me. In other news, I've just started watching HBO's Silicon Valley and have recognised that Max is probably related to Jared:
* Meanwhile DRINK FOR TS MADISON.
But then RuPaul plays a video message from Jaidynn's mum which basically says "bitch, we know", so that's a nice happy moment for everyone.
* Then Miss Fame brings a chicken out for literally no reason, thus concluding the most pointless segment of the show so far.
"We are moments away from finding out whether Ginger, Pearl or Violet Chachki will be crowned America's next drag superstar," announces RuPaul, because on her home planet a "moment" equates to about 10 minutes.
She pulls another lever and a giant net whooshes up from the floor taking Kandy Ho, Max, Jaidynn and Fame with it. They are never heard from again.
Trixie Mattel, Katya and Kennedy Davenport are next on the slab
* Trixie admits she felt like "a loser" when she was eliminated from the show twice.
"Losing is the new winning!" says RuPaul, which makes Trixie smile until she says "Oh no wait, I mean 'Orange is the New Black'!" and it turns out she was just speaking into her Apple Watch to set her video recorder at home.
* "RuPaul, I want to tackle you to the ground, I wanna stuff your entire wig inside my mouth and I want you to pee on me," declares Katya for no apparent reason.
* "Katya, you are a freak - and I FRIGGIN' LOVE YOU," says RuPaul.
* Then this happens for some reason:
* Then Kennedy points out her mother in the audience, and...
* Back in the audience, Latrice has a question for Trixie Mattel, who apparently went to college with Max.
"Did Max speak with that fake-ass British accent then?" Latrice asks.
Also: JINKX, JINKX, JINKX.
So you know, drink a bottle of whatever you've got left - nail polish remover, drain cleaner, whatever, who cares at this point.
Then Ben De La Creme comes on to announce this year's Miss Congeniality, in a visual gag with Michelle Visage that no one can remember because
a) No one remembers season six
b) No one cares anymore, and
c) This show has gone on so long the audience can't even remember their own names.
In a surprise akin to opening a packet of biscuits and finding biscuits inside, Katya is named Miss Congeniality 2015.
Finally it's time to bring back our final three queens, who have all gotten changed into something even more glamorous:
Also on stage is last year's winner Bianca Del Rio:
Then RuPaul goes through the prizes which this year include a 20 per cent off voucher for Dunkin Donuts (expired), a half a packet of Winfield Blues and a can of Febreze and finally the moment has arrived.
It's time to crown America's next drag superstar.
"The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race is... Katya," says RuPaul.
Katya slowly creeps on stage to the sound of brains exploding all over the auditorium.
"Katya, can I please have a sip of water?" says RuPaul, as Katya hands her a bottle of water and walks off again.
Even Jesus approves.
"America's next drag superstar is..." says RuPaul.
Wow, that's just great, what a brilliant ending, congratulations to Violet and what not...
But did you guys know Miley Cyrus was there?
That's it. I'm done. Now I'm off to sleep off the 10 gallons of pure alcohol Miley Cyrus just made me drink.
Thank you for joining me this season, do stop by again for future Drag Race recaps - or get in your Delorean and go back to relive the drama of EPISODE 12.