Monday, June 08, 2015

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 7, Grand Finale

Rub yourself with glue stick and roll around in sequins until you cough up a glitterball because it's finally here, hunties - drag's night of nights! The party to end all parties! It's the DRAG RACE SEASON SEVEN GRAND FINALE!


Hundreds have turned out for the live taping in Hollywood, and JUST LOOK HOW EXCITED EVERYONE IS!

Except maybe this woman, who has just realised she has to spend the entire show sitting behind a seven foot tall drag queen.

Well I say "excited" but really I mean "drunk". Probably. (I mean, have you ever been to a live show taping? Copious amounts of alcohol are the only thing that makes them bearable).

Speaking of which, let's not forget the annual Bland Canyon Drag Race Finale Drinking Game! Get out your goon, crack your homebrew, make sure your jelly shots are nicely greased up and get ready to party like you're on the door list!

Or in the doggie door. Either or.

The rules are simple. Just drink a shot when:

* One of the Bland Canyon Holy Six Pack appears.

* RuPaul tries to make "She done already done had herses" happen.

* Pearl pulls "Pearl Face".

* Ginger Minj reminds everyone she's fat.

* Violet Chachki wears a corset.

* Any of the judges makes a pun.

* "Flase-dah".

* The camera cuts to a shot of Miley Cyrus to prove there is a real, live celebrity in the audience.

* An eliminated queen suffers from the delusion that the audience still cares about her and things get awkward.

* Someone does an impression of a roll of aluminium foil.

That last one's probably unlikely. Not sure why I included it to be honest. Oh well.

OK so here we all are at the Orpheum theatre in Los Angeles, and...

DRINK TO THE ONE TRUE QUEEN.

Well we're off to a fine start!

OK so on we go to...

DOUBLE DOWN.

Now we're all nicely buzzed we can move on to the Parade of the Damned, aka the Walk of Shame, aka All the Eliminated Queens We No Longer Care About Reminding Us They Still Exist Parade, which starts with Tempest DuJour rocking the runway as the Virgin Mary:

It's been quite some time since Tempest had anything to do with virginity, so this is a real coup.

She's followed by Sasha Belle whose attempt to rebrand herself as Roxxy Andrews backfires when the producers put a giant "SASHA" next to her head:

She nearly got away with it though.

BREAKING: Jasmine Masters looks fabulous!

Even in this shot, where she's doing an impression of a horse laying an egg.

Oh look, it's... her.

That one.

Kandy Ho looks like a strange and beautiful turd laid by some sort of rare animal:

An entire team of cleaners took 20 minutes to scrub this off the stage before the next queen could walk down.

Next up is Max, aka Style Personified, aka The One Wot Got Sent Home Way Too Early, aka The Official Bland Canyon Favourite, aka WHY DID THEY HAVE TO SEND YOU HOME MAX, WHYYYYYYY.

Max isn't hanging around - she's only just stopped in on her way to a "Comic Book Villains After Retirement" themed fancy dress party.

She's The Riddler after he gave up on a life of crime to become a late night TV psychic who also hosts circuses in his spare time.

Then there's Jaidynn Diore Fierce, who stomps down the runway in a green sequinned sheath like Godzilla going to Studio 54 before demonstrating exactly what she wants to do to the final three queens:

Ie: rip them apart with her talons.

Oh look - it's out of focus Jinkx!

Jesus, how far back is she? The bus stop down the street?

DRINK. She might get sharper.

Next up is Miss Fame, whose dress looks like a mildly annoyed alien insect:

Well she is an "intergalactic beauty", or whatever the hell she calls herself.

Wait, what do you mean you can't see it?

Hang on.

Fixed it.

Then there's Trixie Mattel, aka The One We Were All Super Upset To See Leave Early But Then Realised When She Came Back She Actually Wasn't That Great So You Know Whatever:

This is what recycling day looks like out the front of Barbie's dream house.

Next up is Katya, who has come ready to debut her new single - a cover of the Pussycat Dolls hit called "Dontcha Wish I Were in the Top Three".

She's taken "retro glam" as her style inspiration tonight, dressing as an eye test developed by the defence force in the 1950s to weed out homosexuals.

If you can see this, then you are gay.

Moving on to Kennedy Davenport, whose hair was looking amazing right before it got crapped on by whatever animal laid Kandy Ho earlier:

Which means this is a very literal stink eye she's giving.

Meanwhile, in the crowd:

"That's not a stink eye. This is a stink eye."

God, is anyone else thirsty? This drinking game is heading south fast. Look, I'm just going to invent a new rule, just off the top of my head.

OK, um... drink if... someone does an impression of an extinct giant elephant.

Hmm. Sorry, I don't know why I said that. That's really unlikely to...

Oh. Well. DRINK!

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Yeah well, you COULD do an elephant like that I guess..."

And finally we get to our top three, starting with Ginger Minj who is feeling herself in blue sequins and chiffon...

...even if Emo Harlequin in the front row is not.
PS: Drink.

She's followed by Pearl, who has come dressed as Pearl From Every Previous Challenge Ever:

"Look mum, she's wearing the same fucking outfit again!"

But then this happens:

So at least we get to have another drink.

And finally we have Violet Chachki looking like what you'd get if you took mushrooms and stared at a poodle for too long:

And it's SICKENING.

If Michelle Visage doesn't say "she'd give a dog a bone" at some point during this show, all hope is lost for humanity.

Suddenly there's a deafening crack of thunder and all the lightbulbs simultaneously explode, plunging the theatre into complete darkness with Jasmine Masters' teeth the only available light source. As the largest, most reflective surface Ginger Minj stands in front of her and slowly rotates, gradually illuminating the auditorium, where Latrice Royale is beating her fists on the ground shrieking "JESUS IS A BISCUIT!" and Milk is stress-eating her shoes (although to be fair, she normally does that on Monday nights anyway). Naturally Jinkx Monsoon remains calm, although that's just because she's so far back in the stalls she can't see what's going on.

Gasps give way to screams as an ominous moaning noise begins to emanate from the stage area. Jasmine whips her head around so her teeth can illuminate the curtains as they start to ripple and shake, eventually parting to reveal a light so bright it melts the retinas of everyone in the first five rows.

IS THIS THE COMING OF THE LORD?

Yeah, kind of.

In a last ditch bid to secure a sponsor for the final episode, RuPaul has rocked up dressed as a roll of We Love Coles 20m Aluminium Foil (wow - DRINK! Who knew that would happen?), now on special for just $1.99.

Up in the balcony the judges are really impressed.

"WOW ONLY $1.99?"
"THAT REPRESENTS A SAVING OF MORE THAN $2!"
"THAT'S EXCEPTIONAL VALUE!"

The glitter!

The glitz!

The permanent blindness!

What an amazing opening to this star-studded gala.

That's right, STAR. There's just the one.
Also: DRINK.

Oh sorry, did you not catch that?

Miley's here! Did you not know?
PS: DRINK.

Sensing she only has about 16 seconds before the camera makes its way back to Miley Cyrus, RuPaul quickly blurts out that Pearl, Ginger and Violet will each have to do one final lip sync performance "of a song written especially for them".

Oh good, because Drag Race has such a great history of penning quality tunes.


Never forget.

First up is Ginger Minj with her song "Pray and Slay", which I assume is a musical tribute to Charles Manson.

Sadly my TV speakers blew the moment she started singing and it took me the entire length of the song to fix them so I missed all the lyrics. But from the staging I gathered that, in fact, it was a post modernist gospel warning about the danger of nuclear fission.

This is Ginger re-enacting the mushroom cloud over the Bikini Atoll.

And the crowd LOVES it!

They sure do.

Thirsty? Good.

Poor Jinkx still has that season one filter on, you'd better have another drink.

But what do the judges think?

"YOU'RE REALLY GINGER!"
"THAT WAS TOTALLY A SONG!"
"I'M CLAPPING!"

Next it's time for an interview, but sadly the real Ginger is so exhausted from her performance they have to wheel out her cyborg substitute, the Gingerbot 5000:

Now with 100 per cent titanium legs.

Fortunately it's been updated with the latest operating system, so remembers to remind everyone that Ginger is fat.

"Girl I'm a size 22 and no matter which way the light hits me I'm gonna throw shade in one direction or another," it says (DRINK).

QUICK SHOTS ROUND! Thank god

DRINK for Sharon.

DOUBLE DOWN for Jinkx.
(Coincidentally, that's the first thing she says to you if you ever go back to her hotel room)

"It is time for a big girl to win," says the Gingerbot. Drink.

"But I don't want to win because I'm big," it continues. Drink again.

"I want to win because I came in with guns a-blazin and I killed the competition!"

Maybe just drink again, it's the safest thing to do.

Then there's a bunch of video messages from Ginger's family including her long absent dad who, as we know from last week's episode, can't talk or is allergic to telephones or lives on the moon or something.

So touching is the moment it triggers the Gingerbot's superior emotion-recognition software, causing it to leak fluid from its light receptors.

"Is this what you humans call... love?"

Of course RuPaul is touched:

"If that thing leaks on my gown I will sue, god dammit."

Meanwhile, in the audience:

I don't know what's going on here but whatever you have left, drink a triple of it.

"WE ALL LOVE THE MINJ!" announces RuPaul to a room 95 per cent comprised of gay men.

OK point taken.

Meanwhile, it's nice to see Courtney Act finally got inside - the poor thing had to spend hours out the front trying to convince security who she was.

"No seriously, I was on the last season! Don't you remember me?"
PS: Drink.

Next on stage is Pearl with her song "Sleepwalker", an ode to her sponsor - Valium.

Unfortunately due to FDA regulations she was forced to include a demonstration of Valium's side effects, which can include involuntary spasms.
Also: Multiple Pearl Face. Drink.

Pearl slacks around the stage randomly pointing at things while men dressed in unicorn onesies flail around behind her. It's like some Hunter S Thompson style fever dream in which Marilyn Monroe drops acid at the zoo: "Look, a unicorn! Look, another unicorn!"

Anyway, over to the judges:

"YOU SANG THAT!"
"YOU'VE REALLY COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL!" (Drink)
"THAT WAS DEFINITELY A SONG!"

What a great rap!

But now it's audience question time, and look, here's your next drink:

Better make that a double for added Jinkx.

"Pearl, is it just me, or does everybody wanna f**k you?" asks Alaska.

(Side note: this is totally a come on line, and if there's a potential video in this I'm right on board. Thanks.)

"Really I want people to like me because I'm talented and I'm unique and I have nerve and charisma," says Pearl, adding "And I can't spell."

She has it.

Then the Mother of Pearl in the audience pipes up to announce she has started a Facebook fan page and has been "inundated with private messaging from younger gays and boys". I'm sure that sounded better in her head.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, DID YOU KNOW MILEY CYRUS WAS THERE?

Drink.

"But I..."

I SAID MILEY FRIGGING CYRUS GOD DAMMIT.

Just do it.

This better be you right now.

Finally out comes Violet Chachki with "Too Many Daddies and Not Enough Time", a heartwarming ode to gay parenting.

She's gone retro Hollywood glam for this one in a diamond encrusted black gown, but pretty soon her skirt comes off and BOOM, she's in a corset.

So DRINK UP.

The diamonds on the bust say "I'm expensive", while the diamonds on the crotch explain why.

Next thing you know the corset's come off too, and BOOM, she's in her lingerie.

Shazam!

Then with a final wiggle and shake, BOOM - she's topless and twirling her tassels.

Take whatever is closest to you, pour a pint and drink it in one.
I NO LONGER CARE FOR RULES.

So.

There's pretty much no way anyone is beating that performance.

I mean, there's half an hour left of this shit but I think we all know where this is going, right?

"YOU'RE A WINNER!"
"YOU'VE TOTALLY WON!"
"EVERYONE KNOWS YOU WON, RIGHT?"

Then there's an interview in which Violet reveals she went to Catholic School (so keep it up, god botherers!) and they cut to Miley Cyrus about six more times (so drink up, kids), meaning this is me right now:

Exactly.

Our top three queens all go backstage to do lines off RuPaul's handbag, and we move on to the part of the show no one enjoys - talking to the eliminated queens.

First up are Tempest, Sasha, Jasmine and Mrs Kasha Davis.

I just can't wait to hear all their amazing stories of the one to six days they spent on the show.

Actually I'm not sure if this is still Drag Race, or an ad for Jasmine Masters' upcoming independent film: "Jasmine in the Land of the Giants".

Speaking of films:

So great to see Milk got the part in that new movie "Queen Wolf". Should be awesome.

* Jasmine Masters announces her idol is Patti Labelle, which is super convenient because RuPaul saw Patti on a plane just the other week as she was passing through premium economy on her way to the back, and managed to get a phone video of her wishing Jasmine good luck.  Of course, Patti thought Jasmine was an eight year old girl with cancer and RuPaul was from the Make A Wish Foundation, but hey, no harm done.

* Hey, isn't Sasha Belle looking great!

I really respect a queen who can wear entire necklaces as earrings.

* Not to be outdone, Mrs Kasha Davis declares: "I'm wearing two of Violet's corsets right here!", holding up her wrists.

APPLAUSE, GIRL. SOLID GAG.

* Then she introduces her husband Mr Kasha Davis, and... OH LOOK IT'S FUCKING MILEY CYRUS!

DRINK.

RuPaul pulls a lever and all four queens fall through a giant trapdoor in the floor, to be immediately replaced by Kandy Ho, Max, Jaidynn and Fame so this boring charade can continue.

Kandy Ho, admits she only started doing her own makeup one month before the show started.

Which I guess explains this.

* "In Puerto Rico we just say to our fabulous makeup artists 'paint me, do my hair, dress me up', and I'm gone," Kandy Ho says.

"Oh I'd have no idea what that's like."

* RuPaul asks Max about her "anti-sex talk" stance on the show.

"I'm not that big a prude, honest to goodness!" says Max, adding "Whoopsie daisy, golly gosh!"

* Max says some more things but I don't take any of them in because I'm just letting her fabulous accent wash all over me. In other news, I've just started watching HBO's Silicon Valley and have recognised that Max is probably related to Jared:

So of course now I love them both even more.

* Meanwhile DRINK FOR TS MADISON.

Because I said so.
PS: Double down for bonus Alaska.
PPS: That's coincidentally what Alaska says when she brings a boy back to her hotel room.

* Jaidynn announces that her parents know she does drag, but not that she's gay.

Umm...

But then RuPaul plays a video message from Jaidynn's mum which basically says "bitch, we know", so that's a nice happy moment for everyone.

* Then Miss Fame brings a chicken out for literally no reason, thus concluding the most pointless segment of the show so far.

Inner dialogue, left to right: 
"Great, now someone will probably make a 'cock' joke."
"Anyone got any bread crumbs?"
"What the fuck am I supposed to be doing with this again?"

"We are moments away from finding out whether Ginger, Pearl or Violet Chachki will be crowned America's next drag superstar," announces RuPaul, because on her home planet a "moment" equates to about 10 minutes.

She pulls another lever and a giant net whooshes up from the floor taking Kandy Ho, Max, Jaidynn and Fame with it. They are never heard from again.

Trixie Mattel, Katya and Kennedy Davenport are next on the slab

* Trixie admits she felt like "a loser" when she was eliminated from the show twice.

"Losing is the new winning!" says RuPaul, which makes Trixie smile until she says "Oh no wait, I mean 'Orange is the New Black'!" and it turns out she was just speaking into her Apple Watch to set her video recorder at home.

* "RuPaul, I want to tackle you to the ground, I wanna stuff your entire wig inside my mouth and I want you to pee on me," declares Katya for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile:

RuPaul suddenly gets an idea for how to cut expenses on next year's major prize.

* "Katya, you are a freak - and I FRIGGIN' LOVE YOU," says RuPaul.

Here, I ran that through Google Translate for you.

* Then this happens for some reason:

Whatever it is I think we can all agree this should be a new Logo TV spin off channel. Just 24 hours of this. Every day. All year round.

* Then Kennedy points out her mother in the audience, and...

Of course it is.
Better drink to this.

* Back in the audience, Latrice has a question for Trixie Mattel, who apparently went to college with Max.

"Did Max speak with that fake-ass British accent then?" Latrice asks.

Kennedy's mother is the correct response to that question.

Also: JINKX, JINKX, JINKX.

So you know, drink a bottle of whatever you've got left - nail polish remover, drain cleaner, whatever, who cares at this point.

You in about 10 minutes' time.

Then Ben De La Creme comes on to announce this year's Miss Congeniality, in a visual gag with Michelle Visage that no one can remember because

a) No one remembers season six

b) No one cares anymore, and

c) This show has gone on so long the audience can't even remember their own names.

In a surprise akin to opening a packet of biscuits and finding biscuits inside, Katya is named Miss Congeniality 2015.

Here is everyone fainting from shock.

Finally it's time to bring back our final three queens, who have all gotten changed into something even more glamorous:

Except for Pearl who's like "Screw you, Imma wear the exact same thing AGAIN, so suck it."

Also on stage is last year's winner Bianca Del Rio:

"A roll of tinfoil, eh? RuPaul's not the only one who can play THAT game!"
PS: Drink.

Then RuPaul goes through the prizes which this year include a 20 per cent off voucher for Dunkin Donuts (expired), a half a packet of Winfield Blues and a can of Febreze and finally the moment has arrived.

It's time to crown America's next drag superstar.

"The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race is... Katya," says RuPaul.

"Ha ha ha... this is really funny you guys... real cute... ha ha ha WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING?"

Katya slowly creeps on stage to the sound of brains exploding all over the auditorium.

"Katya, can I please have a sip of water?" says RuPaul, as Katya hands her a bottle of water and walks off again.

BOOM.

Even Jesus approves.

"Hmm, could have turned it into wine first, but still solid."

"America's next drag superstar is..." says RuPaul.

WELL, DER.

Wow, that's just great, what a brilliant ending, congratulations to Violet and what not...

But did you guys know Miley Cyrus was there?

DRINK.

That's it. I'm done. Now I'm off to sleep off the 10 gallons of pure alcohol Miley Cyrus just made me drink.

Thank you for joining me this season, do stop by again for future Drag Race recaps - or get in your Delorean and go back to relive the drama of EPISODE 12.



13 comments :

  1. Katya made the evening. Both unscripted (her interview) and scripted (Rupaul's bit), the night would have been so much more tedious without her. Losing IS the new winning. God, I'd be pissed if I was one of the top three.

    That said, Violet was the right choice.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are fucking brilliant. I really, really loved recapping the season with you, and pray that you return for the next.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is brilliant and I love you so much for writing these. It's even more entertaining than the actual season was!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yep Katya was indeed the true winner

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fantastik! Luv ur stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great recap, much more entertaining than the actual finale. You turned the rhinestones off the queens' gowns into diamonds. Chapeau!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your recaps were the only redeeming quality for this season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Ever since Katya left this season was dead to me anyway. And may I say, your review of it all is just hilarious and so spot-on!

    I must say, I found this year's finale quite stiff and weird. I don't know what it is... whether it is the different set-up (this season has done itself no favours with changing the formula of "Untucked" and the same goes for the reunion). Whether it is the complete lack of facial expression in RuPaul (which turns all those tear-jerking moments into somewhat of a farcical matter). Or whether it is the weird sort of production that wants to squeeze an emotional reaction out of anything and everyone... without actually feeling authentic or genuine. (And then also treating everything at a superficial level, like Pearl's Trauma, which to this day is a complete mystery... )

    Katya... well, I would like her to get her own channel. I don't care about the winner (Violet who?) or the top three (I never loved Minj, I was born that way) ... But Katya. She should be on tv. Doing card-reading with a russian accent (like those esoteric channels) during the day, and russian hooker stuff at night.

    I would watch that. Hell, I would even call to have my future told.
    Even if it is bleak and desperate.

    Katya for Queen of the Universe!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lived for your recaps all season. The only other thing that ot me through (COME THROUGH!) was Pearl in boy mode. So hawt. Violet the obvious winner with a much sassier song than the others. Katya was gold for Russia though and hope to see her again. This season has been so broke down and busted, they bet' recognise for the next one coz she already done had herses!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hilarious recap. I know I'm super late in reading it but it was so worth the wait, thank you so much for this and all the other recaps for Season 7.

    ReplyDelete
  11. If you want something new to review face off on syfy starts season 9 on July 28

    ReplyDelete
  12. If you want something new to review face off on syfy starts season 9 on July 28

    ReplyDelete