Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The Bachelor Australia episode recap: Season 3, Episode 4

We begin episode four on the verandah at the Shag Mansion where Heather has gone all artistic, sitting cross legged with a notebook and pen, buried in thought.

"Milk, eggs, gluten-free wraps, XL pump pack Zovirax, lentils..."

But the weekly shopping has already been done - so it can't be that.

As it turns out, it's a tender love poem for Sam, written only as Heather knows how:

She won the Dorothea Mackellar Prize for this in Year 7, so it's worth a shot.

Then she flips over a page, and... oh.

Um... er...

What? It's obviously the time Sam helped her with croquet at the week two photo shoot.

Thankfully Heather flips over another page to reveal what she's really been working on all morning: a portrait of a headless, handless man that looks like it was drawn by a six-year-old.

This took her four hours.

If you can stretch your memory back past all the anal gland talk and hairspray to episode one, you'll remember Heather received the special white rose, allowing her to set her own date with the Bachelor at a time of her choosing.


"I'm not interested in the big jets and the beautiful air balloon rides, I want to do the things that come more naturally to me," she says.

Like croquet.

So Heather throws on her best ripped jeans and sneaks off to Sam's love prison, leaving the other bachelorettes to their breakfast in the Shag Mansion.

"Who wants FRUIT SALAD?" shouts one, in a manner more usually reserved for announcing things like "CHANNING TATUM IS AT THE FRONT DOOR NAKED!".

But their unreasonable level of excitement over chopped up fruit is nothing compared to the reaction they give when a small piece of fluff in the shape of Osher Gunsberg floats in the door.



"Ha ha ha hey is my cheque here? I'm supposed to pick it up today."

But the joyous mood is killed stone dead when Fluff Osher announces there will be only one single date today - and Heather is already on it.

Everyone is devastated, particularly Resident Shrew Emily who spontaneously cancels her regular weekly performance of "I'm so happy for you" and immediately replaces it with a new season of "Seriously, that bitch?".

Oh no, she's not bothered at all.

"I don't think anybody's worried about Heather and Sam, because we all think he would look at her as a friend," snips Emily, who is seriously not worried at all.

"If Heather comes back with a rose we know she's had a good time," says Dannii Minogue, who is stapling copies of her CV and handing them out to the crew.

"And if she doesn't, she may be going home," notes Cha-Cha.

WELL DONE EVERYONE, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW THIS SHOW WORKS, GOOD JOB. Next week maybe you can explain how long contestants have in "Minute to Win It".

Meanwhile, Heather has finally showed up at the love prison where Sam has opened the door in much the same way as you might if you heard the words "Open up, police".

"I swear she was 18!"

"Welcome to the Batch pad!" says Sam, after pulling on some pants and quickly closing his laptop.

"Yeah man," says Heather. because she is real far gone and hectically cool.

"I thought it was wardrobe," says Sam.

"It IS wardrobe!" says Heather, which is either a joke that went a bit wrong, or there was something weird in that fruit salad this morning and she genuinely thinks she is a piece of furniture.

And even then I feel like she's more a chest of drawers.

Anyway it's white rose date time and Heather is in charge, so she makes Sam drive (GIRL POWER YEAH) to some studio she apparently makes films at...

To do a fitness workout.

That's right - on a day when Heather has total control over all activities, including the command of helicopters, hot air balloons and yachts stocked with French champagne, she chooses to put on some lycra and run around a warehouse.

Good one, Heather.

Can it get worse?

Yes. Yes it can.

Because as we soon discover, Heather's drawing from the beginning of the episode wasn't terrible at all - in fact, it was practically a photo-real representation of the superhero outfit she has had made for Sam:

Next stop: Academy Award for costume design.

Yes, as predicted way back in episode one, Heather has opted for a superhero theme for her white rose date, casting Sam as the inventively named "Batch Man", a dicky looking bloke in a spencer and gold shorts whose super power is possibly causing people to laugh themselves to death.

She meanwhile is "H Bomb", an early 2000s nightclubber who scored the power of super awkwardness after accidentally getting caught on a curtain:

These two are like the Woolworth's Select of superheroes.

Together, Batch Man and H Bomb solve the world's problems through interpretive dance:

"And now to stop that evil dictator - one, two, step, ball change!"

Oh, and jelly wrestling:

Just like superheroes do!

Meanwhile, watching at home:


Then it's back to the love prison where Heather puts on her best leather jorts to cook Sam a steak dinner.

It's always good to coordinate your fashion with your choice of protein.

As the dead cow sizzles in the pan as well as on Heather's butt, the conversation flows.

"He really opened up, I really opened up, we talked about some amazing things," Heather gushes.

Actually they don't. "Amazing things" would be like, discussing how unicorns fly and how we carry electricity inside our skulls without even knowing it. They just talk about their families. Boring.

Still, I suppose it's the most personal conversation Sam has had so far on the show so, you know. In terms of actual relationship development it looks like Heather may be a front runner...

...and then they sit down to dinner and Sam is all: "You know, you call me 'mate' and you call me 'dude', I feel like we're in danger of just becoming fantastic friends."

The logo may be partially obscuring it, but this is the face of someone who's just realised their plan may have backfired.

"It's very hard for me to see the transition at this stage from what we have to something more," he continues, which is weird because they just spent the afternoon doing a workout and jelly wrestling in superhero costumes.


Fortunately they only have a giant dinner table separating them so the conversation about their lack of intimacy isn't awkward at all.

"I do want to be your friend but if it ended there I would kick myself because I actually think you are... a really decent guy," says Heather, attempting some romance but still managing to sound like Gazza the bloke you sometimes play darts with down the pub.

Luckily Sam loves darts, so he gives her a rose.

And some saliva.


Which means I get to do this:

Go Sam go!

Back at the Shag Mansion, the women are eagerly discussing the latest group date card which has just arrived with the clue "it's time for fun and games".

"Maybe we'll be having fun?" guesses Cha-Cha.

"Or playing games?" says Sarah.

"I dunno you guys, that seems too obvious..."

But the intelligence festival is interrupted when Heather comes waltzing back in her leather jorts and red leather jacket, looking like an extra from Michael Jackson's Thriller video as reimagined by Dolly magazine, and tells everyone about her superhero themed date.

"I may or may not have had a big swimming pool filled with jelly which we may or may not have wrestled in," she gushes.

"Wow that sounds... great."

"I just felt like a kid again, it was awesome," says Heather, which I think raises some serious and disturbing questions about her childhood.

They ask her if she sucked face with Sam, she lies and says no. Smart girl.

In other news: I thiiiiink I'm starting to like Heather? DAMMIT.

She'll get to you.

Moving on to the next day, and it's group date time with... I dunno, whoever the hell else is still hanging around, I guess.

The women all troop down the cliffs to meet Sam and a small mollusc wearing a wig on the beach, where they will spend the day recreating the battle of Gallipoli.

"Right girls, you're the Turks and Osher and I are the landing boats. Sandra, you can be Simpson's donkey."

"Sam does think I'm not fun, so today I need to bring the fun," says Dannii Minogue, demonstrating why she never got that role in Anzac Girls.

Just then the hairy mollusc reveals that at the conclusion of today's battle, whoever is left alive will get to roast marshmallows with Sam.

"I'll definitely have to bring out my personality a bit more and shine a bit more," says Sandra, demonstrating a fundamental misunderstanding of the basics of warfare.

Also just quietly: if Sandra shines any more the entire state of New South Wales is in danger of going blind. 

And so everyone strips down to bikinis and starts doing hair flicks in the surf, just as the diggers did in 1915.

"Hey everyone, let's do impressions of our favourite lollies!" yells Sam.

"OK!" yells a giant packet of Lifesavers.

"Today is all about Sam seeing how we interact with each other," says Sarah.

"And hopefully he likes what he sees."

Yep, pretty sure he's OK with that.

Meanwhile, coming soon to Ten:

BAYWATCH: Even Dumber Edition.

Cha-Cha finally gets her moment in the sun when Sam sits down for a private chat, saying he's been thinking about her.

Sadly, at that exact moment the front line is breached by enemy fire and she has to grab a gun and run back to battle.


And so Sam moves on to Laura the Yorkshire vet.

Both of them are desperate not to talk about anal glands again, an outcome one would assume would be relatively easy to achieve.

"So... is it easy to get work as a vet?" Sam asks, rather dangerously bringing the conversation back into the realms of veterinary science.

"Yes," says Laura, trying very hard not to say anything about anal glands.

"I've been getting lots of hands on experience," she continues, still masterfully avoiding the subject of arses of any kind.

"Hey you know what this rock pool reminds me of...?"

"Mostly I've been locuming, going out and doing the odd weekend," she says, totally nailing the not-talking-about-anal-glands thing.

"Obviously a few anal glands have been expressed," she finishes triumphantly.


"I know that's not something you want to hear but it's one of those daily things I have to do..." she trails off as Sam begins slowly walking into the ocean and the sweet embrace of death.

"I think I have a bit of an issue with anal glands," she says to camera later.

Nah, you think?

"I feel like we can't move past that point," Sam explains later.

"It's like Laura and I are still on the starting blocks."

Or, to put it another way, Sam and Laura's relationship is like a blocked anal gland, just waiting to be expressed. And cover them both in shit.

Anyway next up is some sort of relay race where everyone has to run through the water like a mini surf carnival, because can you think of anything more fun to do after a day of drinking wine in the sun? No, neither can I.

For some reason Sam also competes and because he is a 6 foot 4 man built like an actual Gallipoli war tank, beats all the girls.

Also because he leaves them all flailing in the surf without helping them up, like a total gentleman.

What follows is two and a half minutes of boobs bouncing on the beach, and no one wins. Except all the bored men being forced to watch this at home by their girlfriends.

Unfortunately all the running and splashing and yelling causes Dannii Minogue to have a PTSD flashback to her 1993 music video for "This Is It" with Julian McMahon, and she has to retreat to a private area to calm down.

But the breakdown seems to work in her favour, because Sam chooses her for his private spit roasting session.

MARSHMALLOW, sorry. Marshmallow roasting session.

Anyway in the past few episodes Dannii Minogue has been a bit serious and intense, so now she's fully prepared and ready to bring her motherflipping A game and showing Sam she can be THE FUNNEST PERSON EVER.

"My whole philosophy is about having fun!" Sam declares.

"Yeah I think I've really opened up to the experience and it's about personal growth as it is potentially forming a relationship and for me my biggest thing is having a relationship with yourself before you can have one with someone else so there were heaps of things I needed to ask myself and get clear on my intentions and I think vulnerability was a massive thing for me," Dannii Minogue says.

"Yep. We're a real couple of funsters."

"I think I've been trying to fit triangles into squares when it comes to relationships so I just need to step back and look at what was important to me and it comes back to respect and self respect and someone who is aware of themselves," she continues, as Sam stares at the fire and considers climbing into it.

Moving on to the cocktail party, and I have to admit I missed the first minute because I was so bored by Dannii Minogue's musings on triangles and squares I drifted off, only to be woken by Heather saying "I'm really excited about giving it to him" and making this face:

So it's going to be THAT kind of party. huh?

Unfortunately whatever Heather is planning to give Sam, Banana beats her to it, giving Sam a peck on the lips in the hallway.

Naturally, the other women react to this calmly and in an adult fashion.

Artist's representation of Sam and Snezana's kiss.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" gasps Cha-Cha, who has apparently never seen two people kiss politely on the lips before.


Meanwhile, Snezana's like:

"Oh it was nothing, I was just returning some of the spit he left in my mouth last time he was in there."

Unable to contain this incredible news, Cha-Cha immediately sambas off to the living room to inform the other girls, who totally take it in their stride because they are grown women.


Except for Heather, who is slowly coming to realise that lycra costumes and jelly wrestling may be no match for stone cold sexiness.

"But... I'm H Bomb?"

Meanwhile, in the other room:

Winning at life.



No it wasn't...

...you moron.

Cha-Cha pulls out a whiteboard and starts drawing diagrams on it in order to properly tell the Amazing Tale Of The Peck On The Lips In The Hallway for the thirteenth time, while Heather steals Sam away to give him one.

Or give him a present or something, I don't know, it's unclear.

As it turns out it IS a present - a poster version of their stupid superhero photo from their date.

Heather's superhero is apparently the kind that faints at the sight of danger and has to be carried by other superheroes.

But enough of all this kissing and telling...


* "I'm not sure if my name is going to be called in this rose ceremony," says this girl:

Me neither. Does anyone even know what it is?

* Meanwhile, Snezana's like:

"Can we get this over with so I can go back to my room?"

* "For the 12 of you without a rose, Sam has 10 roses to give out tonight," announces a small pile of dust on the floor that looks remarkably like last year's host Osher Gunsberg.

Emily gets out her Speak and Spell and starts hitting random buttons, while Laura starts visualising anal glands to help her count to 10. Sandra just shouts "I don't do maths, I'm just a P.E. teacher!"

After 17 minutes and a group brainstorm session using Cha-Cha's whiteboard, it suddenly hits them - two women are going home tonight.

* Rose rose rose (hey that random girl's name is Nina!) rose rose blah blah blah.

* Finally it's down to three: Hey Bro!, Dannii Minogue and Laura the Yorkshire vet, who has come prepared for any surprise anal gland operations by dressing in a giant garbage bag:

Well you can never be too careful.

"I'd be really sad if I went home today," says Laura.

"I think we've made a connection but maybe he didn't feel the same way."

Noooo. Whatever would make you think that?

"I don't think Sam gets me completely yet; he would be disappointed if he sent me home," says Dannii Minogue.

"ARROOOOO!" says Hey Bro.

It is the mating call of her people.

"Hey Bro, will you accept this rose?" asks Sam, and the small pile of dust looks genuinely delighted until the woman who isn't Dannii Minogue or Laura steps forward to collect her rose and stomps right on top.

And so it's goodbye to the former Australia's Got Talent judge, who walks out the door singing a medley of her one hit while throwing business cards behind her onto the floor, where they stay until the cleaner comes and sweeps them up and incinerates them.

And it's goodbye to our resident vet, virtually guaranteeing a stop to all forms of anal gland chat from now on.

"I think Sam only saw a very small part of me," mourns Laura.

Well, two small parts anyway.

Right, that's it! Now go on and READ EPISODE FIVE!

Or why not go back and READ EPISODE THREE again? It'll be better the second time around, I promise.


  1. Is it just me or was there a severe lack of marshmallows being roasted in this episode considering the hype they were given...

  2. I'm just catching up on the Bach and god I think this is the funniest recap of yours I have ever read. I'm crying!