Tuesday, August 18, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 5

With the Shag Mansion now happily anal gland-free for the best part of a week, the bachelorettes are starting to feel a bit more relaxed; this week's episode opens with all of them lying around in Lorna Jane practicing their resting bitch faces.

Cha-Cha's is actually more like "smelled a fart" face, but with a little more tuition from Emily she'll get there.

For some reason everyone is still going on about how Sam and Parmigiana touched lips at the cocktail party as if they're all either a) eight years old or b) in a Jane Austen novel.

As usual, this leads to much musing on the state of everyone's relationships.

"I think Heather knows that Sam looks at her more on the friendship level than the romantic level," says Emily. who is totally not a bitch because the Daily Mail said so.

Meanwhile, note to Emily: SUCKED IN.

Suddenly the hatstand in the corner topples to the ground, scattering a yellow envelope across the parquetry floor.

"DATE," says the hatstand, the only English word it knows, before rolling out the door and into the swimming pool.

Naturally, everyone is wild with excitement.

This is actually the appropriate reaction to a yellow envelope in real life, FYI.

"I'm hoping it's for me!" says Sandra, the human party horn.


As it turns out the date is for Nina, who in five whole episodes has not been on a single date. No, not a single date, I mean a single date. I mean one date.


What do you mean you don't remember Nina? She's the one with the... you know. The black hair. And... the...

Yeah, well she has black hair.

Clearly Sam couldn't remember her either, and probably had to be prompted by a producer after he went to write "Heather" on the date card one more time, but however it happened all the girls are really happy for her.


So Nina trips off to meet Sam for their date, on which they are going to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. In the rain.

Fortunately she has dressed appropriately in skin tight jeans, cleavage-baring singlet and knee high pleather stiletto boots.

"Oh sure, I always go climbing in these boots."

"Nina strikes me as a real thrill seeker and someone who loves fun," says Sam, who has never spent more than five minutes in Nina's company and until very recently thought she was one of the producers.

"I love that you've only been to Sydney once," he tells Nina, desperately trying to remember anything about her to stimulate conversation.

"I love that you like white singlet tops and... you've got... skin...?"

Seriously, if the only thing your date can find to compliment you on is your travel history to Sydney, you should probably assume it's not going well.

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, the producers have laced the bachelorettes' Weetbix with LSD, causing them to freak out over yet another plain yellow envelope.


"So what do we think is inside this envelope?" chirps Cha-Cha, as if this has never happened before and it really could be up for debate.




Unfortunately they're all wrong and it's another stupid card with a another stupid cryptic clue - "let's kick off with some bubbles".

"CHAMPAGNE!" blurts out absolutely everyone, because sure, that makes sense. Today's date is "champagne".

Ugh, this one's off.

Cha-Cha reads out all the names of whoever's going to date bubbles, the list doesn't include Emily, she does a pretend pout because she's totally not a bitch and we head back to Sam and Nina who are halfway up a bridge.

"I'm not good with heights," says Sam, gripping the safety rope with white knuckles as he tries not to look down at the swirling harbour below.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm beginning to doubt Sam comes up with the ideas for these dates on his own...

Just then a seagull that looks remarkably like last year's host Osher Gunsberg lands on the beam opposite them and starts spouting facts about world records.

"This iconic landmark holds the record for the world's tallest steel arch bridge," it says.

"Holy shit, is that seagull talking?"

Despite a talking bird being of far more interest, globally, than the relative height of the bridge they're all standing on no one seems too fussed, so the seagull continues by announcing Sam and Nina will be breaking their own record today.

I hope it's the record for the most rattlesnakes held in the mouth!

Or for the heaviest car balanced on one's head!

Or for the strongest kick to the groin!

Sadly I missed whatever the seagull said next and only heard Sam say "I can't wait to do it with Nina and I hope she's up for whatever I throw at her", so I can only assume it's the world record for "highest altitude shag and dodgeball".

As it turns out it's the record for "longest kiss", which apparently stands at a paltry three and a half minutes. Seriously? I've seen teenagers on the bus go longer than that. While texting their mates. And eating Maccers.

"Now Nina it's entirely up to you whether you'd like to take part," says the seagull, in order to avoid any post-show sexual assault claims.

"Although you know, you are up here on top of the world's tallest steel arch bridge with an entire film crew so... But I mean totally, it's up to you, no pressure."

"No it's fine, I totally don't mind being forced to pash a stranger for four minutes!"

"Is this the first time you two have kissed?" asks the seagull.

Dude. It's practically the first time they've MET.

Anyway the seagull starts the timer, they start kissing, it's gross.

Actually, does a four minute pash count for more than one?

What follows is four minutes of watching two people you don't particularly care about suck face on top of a bridge, which really is as exciting as it sounds.

Three seconds in and I'm already bored.

Forty-nine seconds in and I'm willing them to fall off.


"It really took me back to my year 10 formal," says Sam. because evidently at Sam's Year 10 formal he pashed some chick on top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge while a talking seagull timed him with an iPad.

You know, standard.

Anyway eventually they make it to four minutes ten, smashing the previous world record and giving them both one more thing to put on their CVs under "awards and achievements". Plus at least now if Sam forgets Nina's name again he can look it up on the Guinness website.

To celebrate the five litres of saliva they've just swapped, Sam takes Nina to some cheap bar where they clearly haven't paid the light bill.

Straight after this she accidentally glassed him in the face because she couldn't see.

They have the usual conversation full of meaningful glances and tales of dead relatives (I think it might be a pre-requisite to get on this show, actually), and statements like "I don't follow rules, I follow fireworks".

Note to Nina: This is what can happen if you follow fireworks.

"Nina has a great sense of adventure, she's beautiful, she's got a great smile, and she's obviously got terrific...

...family values."

Sam is so impressed by both of Nina's family values he gives her a rose.

Later, back at the Shag Mansion, the other bachelorettes welcome her home:


Not everyone is excited about Nina's record-breaking pash, specifically Heather, who has seemingly once again forgotten that she is on a show where 20 women try to sleep with one man.


Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day and time for the group date, or "CHAMPAGNE", as everyone in the Shag Mansion seems to believe.

It's being held at a soccer pitch, just like champagne breakfasts usually are, and all the bachelorettes have been made to rock up in gym gear, so it's a massive shock when they're all informed they won't be spending the morning sipping Veuve, but playing sport.

"Sam has invited you all here for a game of soccer," announces a pile of lawn clippings that looks a bit like that seagull from earlier.

This would be my reaction to that news also.

"WOOOOOO OH MY GOD AAAAAGHHHH YESSSSS I FREAKING LOOOOVE SOCCER AHHHHHH WOOOOOOOO!" shrieks Sandra, whose new CD "Meditation and Relaxation for the Severely Deaf" is available now on iTunes.

But bubbles? Where are the bubbles?

This is the last thing you'll see when jellyfish eventually rule the world...

Yes, apparently humankind has now become so jaded and bored of all the wonders of the earth and everything history has created we have had to resort to encasing ourselves in bubblewrap and running around after a ball to remain entertained.


What follows is 10 minutes of women dressed as giant haemorrhoids running around, falling down and squealing, which is coincidentally exactly what the original plan for The Bachelor series was, before someone suggested turning it into a dating show.

After watching the girls play with his balls for a while Sam finally declares one team the winner, and whisks them away for an enchanting night of...

...crappy Mexican-themed festivities on a tugboat!

It's a truly lavish night of entertainment on which the producers have clearly spared no expense:

They even shelled out for the El Paso salsa, which was $1 more expensive than the Woolworths Select brand.

"Hey guys, what should my Mexican party sign say?"
"How about... 'Mexican'?"

With pinatas, silly hats and diluted margaritas in plastic glasses topping every girl's list of dream dates, Sam is in hot demand from the bachelorettes, who all try their hardest to get south of his border.

Sadly all their efforts are eclipsed by Sandra, the human five-piece mariachi band, who drowns out absolutely everybody and everything with her non-stop impression of a Mexican themed car alarm.

You already thought Sandra was annoying, but that was before she had maracas.

Meanwhile back at the Shag Mansion, Emily, Nina and some girl who must have been hiding in a cupboard for the last four weeks are pretending to make cupcakes, because that is a thing that women do when they're single and alone with their girlfriends.

"Hey we're not eating this shit, right? Because I'm paleo."

Just then the losing team from the bubble soccer match waltzes in the door and starts describing the day's events.

"It was SO fun," gushes Jacinda.

"I'd rather pluck out my eyebrows with barbecue tongs."

Things get marginally more exciting when Jacinda reveals Sam gave her a hickey and Heather's face catches on fire from jealousy.


But then Jacinda admits she was just joking, and everyone JUST FUCKING DIES from laughter.


Back on the Mexican boat of sadness Sam has stolen Sandra away to a quiet area for a private conversation...

...that will most likely be heard by the entire harbour.

"THE BEST THING I CAN DO IS GO IN THERE AND BE FUN SANDRA," yells Sandra, as everyone who knows Sandra and wants her to be successful screams "NOOOOO!"

Sadly this tactic fails almost immediately, setting the second world record this episode - for the most irritating conversation in history.

"She's so full on all the time," sighs Sam after the seventh straight minute of Sandra giggling at nothing in particular.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the boat:

Seriously, could no one afford a table?

"After that group date I think I'm going in to the cocktail party with a big advantage," says Sandra.


Speaking of cocktail parties, that's what it's time for.

"It's really strange going into a cocktail party not having spent any time with Sam," says some random stranger who's accidentally wandered into shot.


Meanwhile Heather is in the corner suffering from low self esteem, which may have something to do with the fact she appears to be dressed as a lampshade:

"That's me in the corner... that's me throwing lamp... light..."

Over in the other corner is Emily, who is doing what she always does at these cocktail parties: waiting for Sam to come and talk to her because THAT'S WHAT MEN ALWAYS DO, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY, NO ONE EVER IGNORES EMILY GOD DAMMIT.

Having totally ignored her for the last two episodes Sam finally gets the hint and drags her into the hallway for a chat, where he tries his hardest to appear half way interested in her while she tries even harder to look the total opposite.

"Sorry what was your name again? Sam?'

"I reckon you're a tough nut to crack," he tells her.

"Why do you think I'm so guarded?" she cries, exasperated.

"Because she refuses to approach him at parties and acts like the Queen of Sheba?"

Back in the front room all the bachelorettes are talking about chemistry, which apparently makes Heather uncomfortable because she leaves the room.

Well, chemistry's not for everyone.

"She keeps moving every time we mention friendship because she knows she's in that zone," smirks Cha-Cha.

Meanwhile, note to Cha-Cha: SUCKED IN.

To be perfectly honest I'd probably move away if any of those harpies asked me about friendship too.

I know, I've changed, I'm sorry.

But enough of all this crap...


* And this week's gowns are brought to you by Vung Lo fabrics in Paramatta, where it's two-for-one-Tuesday on all lace and lame:

Seniors get 20% discount!

* "There are 10 of you without a rose and this evening Sam has nine roses to give out," announces a small lump of coal in the fireplace that looks vaguely like last year's host Osher Gunsberg.

Sandra tries to count up to 20 but can't because she's wearing closed toe shoes, while Sarah gets out a notepad and pen and starts signing her name over and over in the hope people will think she's formulating equations.

"I don't solve maths problems, I wait for the answers to present themselves to me," Emily says.

Eventually the lump of coal shouts "ONE OF YOU IS GOING HOME, YOU MORONS".

* "I don't really feel like I've progressed any further with Sam tonight," says this girl, who may or may not have only just turned up.

Is she a camerawoman, maybe?

* Meanwhile, Cha-Cha has really perfected her "smelled a fart face":

All that Mexican probably helped.

* Rose rose rose rose Hey Bro! rose rose blah blah blah.

And finally it's down to two: Sandra the human Marshall stack and that random blonde one.

"If I didn't get a rose I'd feel disappointed that Sam didn't have the opportunity to take me out on a single date," says Sandra, completely unaware that Sam feels the exact opposite.

"I want to show Sam who I am," says the other girl, which would be a good idea frankly because none of us has a clue. Perhaps she could start wearing a nametag?

"Rachel," says Sam, and everyone looks around wondering who he's talking about.

Oh, her.

And so we bid adieu to Sandra, the loudest woman who ever lived, who walks out the door, throws her head back and immediately begins practising for her new career as a vuvuzela for hire.


Now go on and READ EPISODE SIX. Or go back in time and READ EPISODE FOUR again!

1 comment :

  1. It finally hit me but 'Rachel' reminds me a lot of Zoe from last season but with straight hair... what do you think?