After the shock of last week's cocktail party walkout by Jacinda, the remaining nine bachelorettes are all coping with their grief by doing advanced maths in the sunroom.
"Each room has three girls in it now," says one.
"And it had eight," pipes up another.
Nina gets out a whiteboard and some textas...
Anyway it's thoroughly boring, they kiss (but sadly not a pash, so the pash-o-meter remains unchanged) and he gives her a rose. The end.
Moving on to the group date which may or may not be taking place in an Amish community - we don't know, but one thing we are sure of is that Heather is MAJORLY PUMPED.
"I'm majorly pumped about this date," says Heather.
This is apparently because they are all driving to the country for a day of milking cows and rounding up sheep and touching poo or whatever, and Heather is a country girl. I mean, sure, this piece of information has never been mentioned before, ever, but yeah sure whatever. Heather is totally rural.
"Oh my god, it is looking SO country," says Hey Bro! as they drive past what looks like someone's front lawn.
Eventually they pull up in some sort of "Ye Olde Colonial Village" that looks like a ramshackle tourist attraction from the 80s; the sort of place you'd put on a silly top hat and pan for gold before spending $20 on "saltwater taffy" you'll realise is utterly disgusting the second you leave.
Just then Sam jumps out of a barrel and starts telling them about his "simple" childhood, which was apparently characterised by the fact that he had an outdoor toilet.
SAME HERE SAM, BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME GOING ON ABOUT IT LIKE SOME SORT OF WORLD VISION CASE.
"I really wanna see which girls get down and dirty on today's date," says Sam.
"I'd like to get to know the girls better and I think seeing them surrounded by the simple things is a great way to do that," he says.
And so off they troop to their first "simple pleasure" - sticking their faces in a bucket full of water with apples in it, otherwise known as "apple bobbing".
"I have never heard of apple bobbing, what the hell is apple bobbing?" gasps Bec.
The competition is immediately divided between the women who want to win, and the women who are concerned for their false eyelashes.
And Nina, who mishears "apple bobbing" as "apple boobing":
Despite Nina's breast efforts... sorry, best efforts, Heather emerges as the top bobber, and is pulled away for some private time with Sam.
So to speak.
And she's really excited... until they round the corner and she realises her reward will consist of squeezing lemons:
Still, it's better than sucking lemons:
The super thrilling lemon-squeezing segment over, the group reconvenes to move onto the next part of the date: advertising Sportsgirl's new range of flannelette shirts:
Next up, it's time to touch some sheep!
"I don't... I don't want to touch sheep," says Cha-Cha.
Having trimmed a couple of locks off at least three sheep, everyone retires to some barn that looks like it's been built specifically for Pinterest, in order to participate in a barn dance.
"Shearing sheep is thirsty work so I was ready to let my hair down and get into a few beers," says Sarah, who has apparently confused the party for a VB commercial.
The band strikes up and Cha-Cha lives up to her name by teaching everyone some dance moves which are, according to Heather, "awesome".
"That girl can seriously move," gushes Heather.
Their conversation goes something like this:
Heather: "Sorry for like, living, man. I feel heaps hectic about being here."
Sam: "Never feel sorry for anything. Ever."
Heather: "What about murder?"
Sam: "OK, maybe murder."
Heather: "I'm such a loser I don't even deserve to be here WHY OH WHY AM I PUNISHING YOU WITH MY EXISTENCE I'M SO SORRY."
Sam: "You're a pretty amazing girl."
Heather: "That's one of the most amazing things anyone has ever said to me."
Sam: "I don't say it to be amazing."
As usual the two of them get along like a barn on fire (or actually, is the barn on fire?) but their chat concludes with a quick peck on the lips and a vigorous back-rubbing hug. Honestly, I've seen soccer players be more romantic with each other after a goal.
The next object of Sam's attention is Sarah...
...who follows him outside to blurt random words at him in the hopes of forming a sentence.
"I'm not sure if it was the wine but I got really flustered," Sarah says.
My god, she's so drunk she thinks her beer is wine. Poor girl.
The rest of their conversation doesn't go much better.
Sam: You're OK, you're OK.
Sarah: You're OK.
Sam: Yeah, we're both OK.
Sarah: You're OK.
Next Sam moves on to Parmigiana, taking her away outside to talk for the 150th time about how to pronounce her name.
After three rounds of this shit the ignored bachelorettes are not impressed, particularly Cha-Cha who worries that she may not have touched the sheep enough to win his affections.
"I feel an unbelievable physical connection with Snezana," says Sam. which I think translates to "I want to shag Snezana so bad".
That brings the official Bland Canyon Bachelor Pash-O-Meter to FOUR, which is quite low, considering we're now on episode seven, and two of those pashes have been for Banana.
Anyway enough of all this barn storming...
IT'S ROSE TIME!
* "When we started there was 19 girls and now there's nine, this group is getting so much smaller and your chances of getting a rose are also getting smaller," says Nina, displaying the superior logistical reasoning for which she is internationally famous.
* "There are eight of you without a rose, and this evening Sam only has seven roses to give out," barks the neighbour's labradoodle, which has somehow gotten back inside the house again even though the producers left specific instructions to cover all food and keep all the doors shut.
Nina gets out her whiteboard from earlier on and starts counting all the stick figures again, while Sarah begins reciting "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" to work it out, but gets stuck trying to picture that many wine glasses.
Eventually the labradoodle barks "It means one of you is going home, you dickheads."
* Rose rose rose rose Hey Bro! rose rose rose.
* Even She-Ra the Princess of Power gets a rose, which is amazing because I didn't even realise she was on this show.
Finally it comes down to two: Nina the world record pash holder and Cha-Cha, the best dancer at St Bernadette's.
Given Sam seems to have avoided her as intensely as she avoided those sheep earlier, it's no surprise when Cha-Cha is told to dance her way out of the Shag Mansion.
This news causes Emily to burst into tears because apparently they're best friends or something.
Never mind darl - it might take two to tango, but it only takes one to CHA-CHA!
That's it for this round, so what are you waiting for? Go on and READ EPISODE EIGHT! Or go back in time and READ EPIODE SIX again!