Friday, August 21, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 7

After the shock of last week's cocktail party walkout by Jacinda, the remaining nine bachelorettes are all coping with their grief by doing advanced maths in the sunroom.

"Each room has three girls in it now," says one.

"And it had eight," pipes up another.

Nina gets out a whiteboard and some textas...

...and 20 minutes later they agree that 15 girls have left overall.

Just then the neighbour's Labradoodle walks in with a yellow envelope in its mouth, drops it on the floor, farts, and leaves.

"'Let's treasure some time together'," reads Sarah from the date card inside, before using it to fan the air around the doorway, coughing.

"A JEWELLERY STORE?" gasps Rachel, because she's super perceptive.

Sure, or maybe they're going on a treasure hunt for buried clocks.

Or they're going to literally "treasure time" by spending the afternoon glueing gemstones to clocks and selling them on Etsy.

And the winner of today's single date is.... EMILY!



"Emily just seemed a bit nonchalant about it," gripes Heather.

Yeah, when it comes to dates it's far better to look horrified than nonchalant.

Meanwhile, Sam is stranded on an island somewhere waiting for Emily to arrive.

"My relationship so far with Emily is almost purely physical," says Sam, who has barely spent any time with Emily in seven weeks, rather demonstrating a lack of understanding of the mechanics of a physical relationship.

Because it's been at least 10 minutes since anyone was on board a boat on this show, Emily is shoved onto a boat where she describes her torturous existence as a single girl of six whole months.

"I'm not very happy about it," she says.

"I mean, seriously? That's like 24 weeks. ME? SINGLE? Come the fuck on."

Then she explains that she can "be a bit of a princess" and that she's "high maintenance".

The sound of millions of viewers all simultaneously shouting "NO SHIT" causes a minor earthquake, disrupting traffic in several states.

Finally her boat docks, which is great because Sam's been on that island for at least a week and was running out of Lynx, and the two wander down the beach to where some paddleboards are waiting on the sand.

"Wait, there's no jewellery store on this island...!"

Sadly Emily's dreams of being taken to Tiffany and showered with diamonds are dashed when Sam reveals he has planned a treasure hunt.

"And here's the first treasure, wey hey!"

What follows is the lamest treasure hunt ever, consisting of just three clues that are not so much cryptic as they are "words that rhyme". The highlight comes when Emily has to stick her hand into a crack:

No, THIS sort of crack, you dirty perv.

The whole thing concludes in spectacular fashion as Emily digs up a treasure chest on the beach and discovers jewellery inside!

From Zamels.

While Emily is trying to get her mouth to form the words "Oh I love cubic zirconia", the other bachelorettes are back at the Shag Mansion trying to decipher the latest date card.

"'Let's live the simple life'," reads Snezana 

"Maybe we're joining an Amish community?" suggests Sarah.


Naturally everybody leaps to the conclusion that they will be milking cows, which is tough news for Cha-Cha who apparently hates "animals touching her", "dirt", "smell" and "not being able to wear heels".

Which, sadly, rules her out from ever getting a job on The Footy Show, but oh well.

"I don't really like to milk cows or round up sheep or pick up poo, it's just not really my thing," says Cha-Cha.

Unlike everyone else on the show, whose Tinder profiles all look like this.

Meanwhile, back on the island, Sam is busy setting up a romantic picnic on the beach for Emily.

Oh that's nice, she'll really enjoy looking at that cheese.

And so they sit and stare at the cheese and talk about their unfulfilled dreams and how they want to get married and have kids because all their friends have and THEY'RE JUST SO DESPERATELY LONELY and the whole thing is a little bit like a sad job interview but in bathers. So maybe like a job interview for Wet N Wild.

Anyway it's thoroughly boring, they kiss (but sadly not a pash, so the pash-o-meter remains unchanged) and he gives her a rose. The end.

Moving on to the group date which may or may not be taking place in an Amish community - we don't know, but one thing we are sure of is that Heather is MAJORLY PUMPED.

"I'm majorly pumped about this date," says Heather.

This is apparently because they are all driving to the country for a day of milking cows and rounding up sheep and touching poo or whatever, and Heather is a country girl. I mean, sure, this piece of information has never been mentioned before, ever, but yeah sure whatever. Heather is totally rural.

"Oh my god, it is looking SO country," says Hey Bro! as they drive past what looks like someone's front lawn.

I don't think any of them have spent much time in the country before.

Eventually they pull up in some sort of "Ye Olde Colonial Village" that looks like a ramshackle tourist attraction from the 80s; the sort of place you'd put on a silly top hat and pan for gold before spending $20 on "saltwater taffy" you'll realise is utterly disgusting the second you leave.

Just then Sam jumps out of a barrel and starts telling them about his "simple" childhood, which was apparently characterised by the fact that he had an outdoor toilet.


"I really wanna see which girls get down and dirty on today's date," says Sam.

So maybe this is the ye olde shop in which they'll be spending most of their time today.

"I'd like to get to know the girls better and I think seeing them surrounded by the simple things is a great way to do that," he says.

Sam knows, because he is constantly surrounded by simple things.

And so off they troop to their first "simple pleasure" - sticking their faces in a bucket full of water with apples in it, otherwise known as "apple bobbing".

"I have never heard of apple bobbing, what the hell is apple bobbing?" gasps Bec.

As a dietician, she is always excited to find new ways to eat fruit.

The competition is immediately divided between the women who want to win, and the women who are concerned for their false eyelashes.

And Nina, who mishears "apple bobbing" as "apple boobing":

And inadvertently enters herself in a wet T shirt competition.

Despite Nina's breast efforts... sorry, best efforts, Heather emerges as the top bobber, and is pulled away for some private time with Sam.

So to speak.

And she's really excited... until they round the corner and she realises her reward will consist of squeezing lemons:

"Isn't there any poo we can pick up instead?"

Still, it's better than sucking lemons:

Like Cha-Cha is.

The super thrilling lemon-squeezing segment over, the group reconvenes to move onto the next part of the date: advertising Sportsgirl's new range of flannelette shirts:

"Just like your mum used to wear in the 90s!"'

Next up, it's time to touch some sheep!

"I don't... I don't want to touch sheep," says Cha-Cha.

Literally seconds later.

Having trimmed a couple of locks off at least three sheep, everyone retires to some barn that looks like it's been built specifically for Pinterest, in order to participate in a barn dance.

"Shearing sheep is thirsty work so I was ready to let my hair down and get into a few beers," says Sarah, who has apparently confused the party for a VB commercial.

And here is Sarah enjoying her hard earned beer.

The band strikes up and Cha-Cha lives up to her name by teaching everyone some dance moves which are, according to Heather, "awesome".

"That girl can seriously move," gushes Heather.

She's right, this is some seriously advanced shit.

Unfortunately for Cha-Cha it seems her dance moves aren't enough to win Sam's heart, as he waltzes out the door to do the two-step with Heather instead.


"Hey does this wine taste funny to you?"

Their conversation goes something like this:
Heather: "Sorry for like, living, man. I feel heaps hectic about being here."

Sam: "Never feel sorry for anything. Ever."

Heather: "What about murder?"

Sam: "OK, maybe murder."

Heather: "I'm such a loser I don't even deserve to be here WHY OH WHY AM I PUNISHING YOU WITH MY EXISTENCE I'M SO SORRY."

Sam: "You're a pretty amazing girl."

Heather: "That's one of the most amazing things anyone has ever said to me."

Sam: "I don't say it to be amazing."

Heather: "Amazing."

Sing with me now.

As usual the two of them get along like a barn on fire (or actually, is the barn on fire?) but their chat concludes with a quick peck on the lips and a vigorous back-rubbing hug. Honestly, I've seen soccer players be more romantic with each other after a goal.

The next object of Sam's attention is Sarah...

"Hey your beer bottle looks different to mine!"

...who follows him outside to blurt random words at him in the hopes of forming a sentence.

She fails.

"I'm not sure if it was the wine but I got really flustered," Sarah says.

My god, she's so drunk she thinks her beer is wine. Poor girl.

The rest of their conversation doesn't go much better.

Sam: You're OK, you're OK.

Sarah: You're OK.

Sam: Yeah, we're both OK.

Sarah: You're OK.

Really, it's OK.

Next Sam moves on to Parmigiana, taking her away outside to talk for the 150th time about how to pronounce her name.

After three rounds of this shit the ignored bachelorettes are not impressed, particularly Cha-Cha who worries that she may not have touched the sheep enough to win his affections.

"I knew I should have worn a flanny."

"I feel an unbelievable physical connection with Snezana," says Sam. which I think translates to "I want to shag Snezana so bad".

Well, it's not like their conversation was going anywhere.

That brings the official Bland Canyon Bachelor Pash-O-Meter to FOUR, which is quite low, considering we're now on episode seven, and two of those pashes have been for Banana.

But anywya, congratulations Banana!

"Kissing on a group date, that's really bad, that goes against the whole girl code thing," frets Banana, while Sam continues pashing her like he's under water and she's his air supply.

4 LYF.

Anyway enough of all this barn storming...


* "When we started there was 19 girls and now there's nine, this group is getting so much smaller and your chances of getting a rose are also getting smaller," says Nina, displaying the superior logistical reasoning for which she is internationally famous.

* "There are eight of you without a rose, and this evening Sam only has seven roses to give out," barks the neighbour's labradoodle, which has somehow gotten back inside the house again even though the producers left specific instructions to cover all food and keep all the doors shut.

Nina gets out her whiteboard from earlier on and starts counting all the stick figures again, while Sarah begins reciting "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" to work it out, but gets stuck trying to picture that many wine glasses.

Eventually the labradoodle barks "It means one of you is going home, you dickheads."

* Rose rose rose rose Hey Bro! rose rose rose.

* Even She-Ra the Princess of Power gets a rose, which is amazing because I didn't even realise she was on this show.

"Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day I held aloft my sword!"

Finally it comes down to two: Nina the world record pash holder and Cha-Cha, the best dancer at St Bernadette's.

Given Sam seems to have avoided her as intensely as she avoided those sheep earlier, it's no surprise when Cha-Cha is told to dance her way out of the Shag Mansion.

This news causes Emily to burst into tears because apparently they're best friends or something.

"But you never finished teaching me how to do 'smell a fart face'!"

Never mind darl - it might take two to tango, but it only takes one to CHA-CHA!

For the full effect, play this in the background at the same time.

That's it for this round, so what are you waiting for? Go on and READ EPISODE EIGHT! Or go back in time and READ EPIODE SIX again!


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