Wednesday, August 05, 2015

The Bachelor Australia episode recap: Season 3, Episode 2

We begin tonight's episode in the breakfast nook of the Shag Mansion, where everybody is trying to shake off their hangovers from last night's party by chillaxing in a really unaffected, natural way in neutral-coloured casual separates.

Standing in a row and wearing the same necklace are just two of the ways the bachelorettes like to unwind.

Just then a small pile of fluff blows in through the open door and starts announcing things.

"Blah blah blah COCKTAIL PARTY blah blah blah SHITFACED blah blah blah DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY NUROFEN," says the fluff, which bears a striking resemblance to last year's host Osher Gunsberg.

"Blah blah blah DATE CARD," it says, pulling out a yellow inter-office envelope, sending the bachelorettes into paroxysms of joy, possibly because they are stationery enthusiasts.

"Wait until you see my manila folder!"

Yes, it's time to find out who will be going on the first "One On One Date" (OOOD) with Bachelor Sam.

Everyone is abuzz with the notion of getting Sam alone; Laura the Yorkshire vet is particularly excited at the prospect, noting: "I've got more to offer than just anal gland chat!".

Yeah. I'm not actually sure that's true.


What, crazy? Sandra? Nah.

As it turns out they're both losers because Sam has picked Sarah the events manager with big goals.

And an oily chest.

"Sarah getting more time with him I just thought was not fair to the rest of us girls," says Cha-Cha, demonstrating a fundamental misunderstanding of the television show she is currently starring on.

Next thing you know Sam has turned up on a boat and is hoisting Sarah over the yardarm, or taking her up the poop deck, or whatever it is you do on boats.

"She had noyyy idea what the date was gunna be and she's just ready for any occasion," Sam gasps admiringly, as Sarah adjusts her metallic-foil print mini skirt and wonders where she can put her hot pink leather clutch.

The boat sails off (or "swims off", if you ask Madeleine, who apparently has trouble with basic verbs) with Sam and Sarah perched awkwardly on the edge, desperate to show how much they're enjoying being sprayed by cold sea water.


"Sarah was fantastic, the boat didn't faze her at all, she didn't even flinch!" gushes Sam, because you know women! Mice, spiders, boats - they're scared of everything!

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, all the leftover bachelorettes are stropping around the widow's walk, watching them leave through binoculars.

And they're super impressed.

Fortunately another yellow envelope has turned up to divert their attention - an invitation to the first group date with the cryptic message "Reach for the stars".

"OMG Romper Room? I can totally do that. Bend and stretch, check it out!"

"STARS, IT HAS TO BE IN THE EVENING," bellows Sandra, the western suburbs' answer to Sherlock Holmes

While everyone considers the myriad possibilities that a date involving stars could be, we learn which women will actually be going along: ReshaelMadeleine and Heather, who looks super thrilled at the idea...

"Oh great, yeah, can't wait..."

As well as BecCrystal (whoever they are) and Snezana, which Tessa is even more thrilled about...

"Don't tell me I put on my Blunnies for nothing..."

But Tessa needn't worry as she also gets a guernsey on what is rapidly becoming the biggest group date of all time, with Cha-Cha, Emily, Jacinda and Sandra also scoring invites.

Just to recap - that's 11 women going on a date with one man. What the hell are they going to do, start a football team?

Whatever it is it's got to be more interesting than what's currently happening on Sarah's boat date, where so far the most exciting activity has been deciding which side of the sole beanbag to sit on:

"Oh yeah, no, this is totally comfortable."

"I'm so relaxed," says Sarah, trying to ignore her half a butt cheek hanging off the edge of the beanbag and going to sleep.

"What else do you do to relax?" asks Sam, possibly in the hopes of getting her to talk dirty.

"I try and make the most of my weekends, hanging out with family," Sarah says chirpily, which rather kills that idea.

Then she admits that the reason she applied to be on the show in the first place is because she had a dream about it.

"Bit of a Martin Luther King moment!" Sam guffaws.

Dreaming of being on a reality TV dating show = being one of the world's greatest ever orators and advancing civil rights.

"In the dream it was hard to see what the bachelor - you - looked like, but it was your personality and your vibe that got through, and your eyes," Sarah explains.

Those big, beautiful eyes.

They go swimming, the sun sparkles off their perfectly sculpted bodies, no one drowns, he gives her a rose, and thus ends the least eventful date ever.

Moving on to the super orgiastic 12-person group date, which appears to have suffered from budget cuts as it's taking place in the backyard of the Shag Mansion (well seriously, do you know how much it costs to rent helicopters for 12 people?).

Maybe they'll get to have a thrilling picnic on the lawn, or hang out the washing or do the weeding or something.

"Today you'll be models in a photo shoot that will recreate some classic movie moments!" yells a small pile of leaves from the corner of the yard.

Everyone is so excited they get onto the task straight away:

This chick does Home Alone.

This one does Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

And Tessa does The A Team.

Sadly the pile of leaves has other ideas and divvies them all up into groups, each to do scenes from James Bond, The Great Gatsby and Dirty Dancing.

Pour one out for this lost opportunity.

Everyone has been assigned a group except for Emily, the Rebecca Twigley lookalike who struck Sam dumb on night one with her ability to conjure up a magical, twinkly soundtrack wherever she goes.

"Oh no, but what about me?" she squeaks, as a halo of light glows around her and fluffy white bunnies gather at her feet.

"Am I on my own? I'm freaking out!" she says.

Totes freaking out, you guys.

"Emily, you and Sam will star in a photo shoot inspired by the famous pottery wheel scene in Ghost," announces the pile of leaves, before it is accidentally raked up by a passing gardener.

Any of the seance scenes would have been more fun, but anyway.

And so it's on to hair and makeup, where we learn that Madeleine has no idea what a Bond girl is...

"This won't actually shoot me if I do this, right?"

...Rachel thinks pandas have white circles around their eyes...

"I look like a panda!"

...and Heather may actually be an escaped demon from the fiery depths of hell:

"I will eat your soul."

First in front of the camera are Madeline and Snezana as Bond girls, or rather - Snezana as a Bond girl, and Madeleine as some annoying cocktail waitress who won't get the hint and piss off.

"Maybe if we keep ignoring her she'll go away."

Things don't get much better for Maddy when the photographer asks her to drape herself on the car bonnet, and she has to ask him what it means.

"Drape? That's such a funny word," she giggles, before adding "Wait, the car's not going to swim off, is it?"

Next up are Heather, Crystal and Bec with their Great Gatsby themed shoot, which seems to consist of the three of them pretending to surf while Sam sits in a chair.

"Hang 10, dudes - JAZZ AGE STYLE!"

But Crystal and Bec could get attacked by a shark, Mick Fanning style, and Sam wouldn't notice - he's too busy doing whatever this is with Heather:

He's just checking her grip on that mallet. Or something.

Moving on to the Dirty Dancing group, and Sandra is already preparing for her role as "loud, obnoxious tart".

"LET'S GET READY TO GET DIRRRTY! WOOO!" she booms at Jacinda.

This is the only appropriate reaction to that.

At this point Sam reveals he grew up "watching Dirty Dancing over and over as a kid", which makes me wonder if this is the right dating show for him.

Meanwhile Cha-Cha is stoked to be given the lead role of Baby, until she realises all it entails is standing at the edge of frame holding a watermelon.

Sam, on the other hand, is not averse to holding any melons.

The photo shoot is full of colour and life and everyone is dancing and laughing and just having the best time!




After all this mallet stroking and fruit holding it's finally time for Emily and Sam to get covered in clay and writhe around to the Righteous Brothers.

"I'm very traditional with relationships and how they should start - the man should approach the woman," Emily says, apropos of nothing.

"Or the woman should go on a nationally televised dating show and compete with 18 other women to get the man's attention, and then recreate a scene from a 1980s movie with him," she finishes.

Sam strips off his shirt, because it's been at least 10 minutes since that last happened, and sits down with the shapeless white lump he's about to stick his hands in. And some clay.

No doubt this contravenes several OH&S guidelines.

"Whenever you're ready, fire that little beauty up," says the photographer, and we all hope he's talking about the pottery wheel.

What follows is two and a half minutes of Mills and Boon soft porn as Sam and Emily cover each other in clay and swap dialogue including "Push your finger in a bit more" and "Oh, it's got a funny ridge on it".

"I'm actually quite enjoying the pot," says Emily, which is coincidentally exactly what Lindsay Lohan said before the last time she blacked out at a club.

And then this happens:


Sensing an obvious connection between Sam and Emily, the other bachelorettes gather in a side room to debrief, but accidentally end up looking like a scene from forthcoming movie "Hot Tub Time Machine IV" in which three sassy New York hookers travel back to 1925 and have to teach a bunch of flappers about pop music and the internet in order to get home.

"I say, whatever is this 'twerking' of which you speak?"

With the photo shoots finished it's back to the Shag Mansion and on to the cocktail party (because it's not like they haven't been drinking all day), where Jacinda is staging an impromptu quiz.

"Hands up who's setting back feminism 50 years!"

But the happy mood is shattered when Jacinda erupts with a series of depressive statements.

"I'm too full on for everybody," she glooms.

"I wouldn't date me."

Honey. Please.

Have you met this?

Felled by an attack of insecurity, she bursts into an epic crying fit and has to be comforted by the Bachelor while she sniffles onto his jacket.

For what it's worth Jacinda, I reckon you're ace.

Anyway, there's no time to waste on that sort of nonsense because in more important news: it appears that Heather's vagina has eaten the bottom half of her dress.

Some Canesten will fix that right up.

Not that Sam is bothered; he sits down with her in the gazebo and offers her his beer (which she should really not drink, given her condition). (I'm just saying, yeast).

"If he is interested in Heather I am NOT his type AT ALL," snaps Emily, who is still busy combing bits of clay out of her hair as she spies on them from afar.

"You CAN'T be interested in Heather and then be interested in ME," she concludes.

Here is a Venn diagram for anyone who is confused.

"I love getting dressed up and going to dinner and going to a day spa, but Heather's a bit of a hippie, a bit alternative," Emily continues.

"Look, she's poor. I'm saying she's poor."

But fuck all this because...


* With the producers still struggling to make up the budget from today's epic group date, tonight's dresses have been furnished by the good people at Adairs:

Each one comes in single, queen and king single.

* A small woodland creature that looks a bit like Osher Gunsberg scurries into the room and announces that there are only 13 roses for the 16 women that are left. Crystal gets out her abacus, while Heather tries to remember what a surd is, in case that helps. Approximately 25 minutes and 10 sheets of butcher's paper later, it hits them: three of them are going home tonight.

* Heather gets a rose. Snezana gets a rose. Jacinda gets a rose, despite decorating the Bachelor's jacket shoulders with mascara. Some chick called Nina gets a rose, idk.

* "...Sandra," says Sam, squinting as he reads the cue card being held by a producer standing out in the garden.

No one is happy about this decision.

Least of all Sonia Kruger, who accidentally wandered in at the last minute thinking it was a wrap party for The Voice.

And then there's just one rose left and it's down to the final four: Reshael, Tessa, Sonia Kruger and the princess from Frozen.

They all just look so DELIGHTFUL!

"I feel like there are so many different layers to who I am," says Tessa.

"I mean there's the flanny, the singlet, sometimes I wear a leather jacket..."

But in the end Sam surprises everyone by giving the final rose to the tall, willowy blonde one, and Bond girl Madeleine lives to die another day.

"HA HA I get it, like in Dr No, right?"

That's it, kids! Time to go on and READ EPISODE THREE! Or you can go back in time and READ EPISODE ONE again.

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