Tuesday, August 18, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 6

After the last episode in which Sam admitted to being scared of heights it's clear the producers want to try and butch him up a bit, so tonight's festivities start with him doing push ups:

Sadly he appears to be doing it in some sort of bondage sling, so I'm not sure it generates the effect they really wanted.

Meanwhile over the fence at the Shag Mansion the women are doing what they usually do, sitting around in their pyjamas in full make up waiting for something interesting to happen.

"Has it happened yet?"
"Nup. Oh, wait... Nup."

Clearly they'll have to wait a little longer because just then a small knot in the carpet that looks a bit like last year's host Osher Gunsberg throws a yellow envelope at them and begins making speeches about it.

"The mood around these date cards is getting more and more tense, I feel," the knot says.


Then the knot starts going on about love and relationships and feelings, so Heather stands on it.

All the bachelorettes then spontaneously launch into a rendition of their favourite song "Gee I Hope My Name is on That Card", with the choir led by Hey Bro!.

"The reason why I believe I haven't had a single date is because he's taking time to get to know other girls," she says, showing a profound insight into the workings of this show and dating in general.

It's up to Nina to read out the day's date card: "Let's throw caution to the wind, Hey Bro!"

Speaking of wind, she looks like she's just got a whiff of some.

And so Hey Bro! puts on her best bandage dress and trundles off to stand on the side of the road to do her best impression of a Sunday morning walk of shame:

"Where the fuck am I? Oh god please let this be my Uber..."

"OH MY GOD A LIMO!" exclaims Hey Bro!, because... yeah, I guess that's exciting. I mean, we've had yachts and sports cars and hot air balloons but sure, a rental limousine is pretty cool too, I suppose.

Meanwhile, inside the limo, Sam is revealing the plans for today's "groundhog date".

"I'm taking three girls on exactly the same date, but things are not exactly going to go to plan," he smirks.

It seems today's date is going to be full of mini challenges to test the bachelorettes and see how they react in adverse situations.

"I want to see which girls can have a laugh at themselves," Sam explains.

AND YOU DIDN'T INVITE EMILY? Shame, producers, shame.

Still, watching the same date over and over sounds marginally more interesting than that four minute kiss from last week so let's get on with it.

TEST ONE: The flat tyre


Oh no, the limousine has a flat tyre!

And the driver can't fix it himself because he's got a bad knee!

He can't even kneel on it.

Sam jumps out to change the tyre, but because he's a wuss who is scared of heights and does push ups in a bondage sling asks Hey Bro! if she will help him, even though it's only a one-person job.


Yes, she will.

She is practically Germaine Greer.

"She clearly knew what she was doing, she wasn't overwhelmed by the situation," admires Sam, before giving her a pat on the head and whispering "Not bad for a girl."

Back at the Shag Mansion Bec is reading out yet another date card while the other bachelorettes busy themselves icing cupcakes and braiding each other's hair.

"'Land and sea, you and me'. That's S E A - as in 'ocean'," she reads, in what may well be the worst ad for The Great Australian Spelling Bee ever approved.

"Oh so not 'land and SEE'? That's weird."

As it turns out the date is for Jacinda, who declares she'll probably "vomit all over Sam" - so this should be fun.

Meanwhile Bec gets out her Little Big Book of Passive Aggressive Compliments, turns to page 32 and says: "I'm so happy - I hope he gets to see the side of you we get to see, and not just the 'party' side of you."

"Bitch, is that shade?"

And so Jacinda heads on out to the street to unwittingly wait for volume two of "Groundhog date: the flat tyre".

"I think at the end of this we're going to have a really good chuckle!" Sam says to camera.

Remember this moment, ladies and gents.

TEST ONE (AGAIN): The flat tyre


Oh no, the limousine has a flat tyre!

And the driver can't fix it himself because he's an idiot!

"Oh, I could probably help," says Jacinda.


"She was out of the car before I was, she didn't even need to be asked!" marvels Sam, as Jacinda hoiks up her skirt, spits on the ground and barks "DO YA WANT ME TO CHECK YER ALTERNATOR TOO?"

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, the bachelorettes are starting to get concerned that Hey Bro! hasn't yet returned from her date.

"Sam's got another date this morning with Jacinda, so..." muses Parmigiana.

"Maybe neither of them are coming back," says Emily.

"Oh no that'd be totally... sad."

Just as everyone is considering the possibility that Sam might be a serial killer harvesting their organs for cash, a piece of old newspaper blows in through the door, followed by another yellow envelope.

It's enough to send the women into paroxysms of ecstasy, particularly Bec who is so excited she spontaneously bursts into an impression of a sideshow clown:

Just stick the balls in her mouth.

"Whoever gets this date card it's crucial you make the most of your time, because you never know when, or if, you'll get another chance," says the piece of newspaper ominously before blowing out the window.

Just saying.

Everyone agrees they don't want to go on the date, particularly when Rachel reads out the clue: "You never know what's around the corner."

No, you never know...

"I actually wanted to vomit," says Cha-Cha, in keeping with the theme of the day.

Fortunately for her it's Bec who will be going on the third and final Groundhog date, so let's get on with it.

TEST ONE (YES, AGAIN): The flat tyre


Oh no, the limousine has a flat tyre!

And the driver can't fix it himself because he's got no hands!

"I can try to help," says Bec.


Moving on to...

TEST TWO: Getting wet

"Today is about really cranking it up and pressing that fun button," exclaims Sam.

It's actually called the "clitoris", Sam.

"Are we going to get wet?" Hey Bro! asks.

Well, that depends on how familiar Sam is with this diagram...

As it turns out they will be getting very wet, because they're all going to fang about on the harbour in a jet boat.

Meanwhile, at home:


Sadly for the interests of fun television all three women enjoy themselves, so this "test" turns out to be as thrilling as the first. Seriously, do the producers know nothing? If they'd wanted someone to chuck a strop over getting their hair wet they should have made Emily go on this date.

The new suffragettes.

Suddenly the plinky-plonk strings music strikes up, suggesting something QUIRKY is afoot. It must be time for...

TEST THREE: Not going psycho at a restaurant

Hey, women be crazy, right?

Especially when other women get all up in their guy's business, am I right?

Cos chicks be like super jealous of other attractive women, yo?


"The waitress at the restaurant is actually an actress, and I don't know what she's going to throw at us," says Sam

Napkins, apparently. Got Jacinda right in the head.

Naturally this cute, blonde waitress starts flirting with Sam over lunch, making little jokes and even mopping up a spilled drink from his crotch.

Hey Bro! is the first to crack.


"It clearly aggravated her, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that," Sam says.


Jacinda and Bec just laugh it off, but considering Sam doesn't seem to give a toss either way they could have leaned over the table and stabbed her in the eyes with a dessert spoon, it wouldn't have made a difference.

The waitress then brings out their lunch - a salad of fried crickets.

"It literally looked like a cricket but just fried," says Hey Bro!, showing off the descriptive talents for which she is renowned.

She'll be returning later in the year to host Masterchef.

Other courses at the worst restaurant in the world include barbecued chicken feet and marinated duck chin, which everyone pretends to eat while swigging lots of wine.

"I knew at that point that this was a bit of a test," says Bec, as everyone within a five kilometre radius slaps their head and shouts "DUH".

Anyway they all try the food, no one acts like a diva, no one flips a table, Bill Murray never shows up and the entire thing is deadly dull. The true winner of the day is feminism.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music, more wavy lines... and it's later on at the Shag Mansion, where Bec is describing her totally unique and original date to the other bachelorettes.

"We got a flat tyre! And the waitress was really flirty! And we ate crickets!" she gushes.

"Oh my god, it's like something out of a TV show!"

Just then in walks Jacinda.

"You have no idea what's happened!" she exclaims.

"Let me guess: flat tyre, flirty waitress, cricket salad?"

Sensing they may have been swindled, Jacinda and Bec break down their entire date, piece by piece, trying to work out what's happened.

"We pieced it together pretty quickly," Jacinda says, after going through 16 sheets of butcher's paper, four highlighter pens and about 45 minutes.

"Wait, so you were both on the date TOGETHER...?"

Feeling embarrassed, Jacinda bursts into tears.

Bec sits stony faced on the sofa.

Everyone is a bit depressed.


"Oh my gosh I had a really exciting date," begins Hey Bro!.


"THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HUMILIATING," wails Bec, as Jacinda changes into mourning clothes and starts flaying herself with Emily's hair extensions, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT," yelps Hey Bro!, the woman who described a fried cricket as looking "like a cricket, but fried".

"I think at the end of this we're going to have a really good chuckle... uckle... uckle..."

Moving on to the cocktail party, where everyone has totally gotten over Sam's mild little prank and is having a good laugh about how funny it all was.


Nah, they're all still fucked up about it.

"ALL I WANT IS ANSWERS," cries Bec, who is still ABSOLUTELY HUMILIATED, as Jacinda climbs the walls while crying tears of blood and shrieking "LORD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"

At this point it might be prudent to point out that all three of them are angry at the fact that they were made to go on a date with the same man.


Hey guys, welcome to the show.

Sam manages to calm the waters with two of them (he tells Bec she's beautiful and Hey Bro! she's amazing, which stops their faux outrage mid-tear) but Jacinda is far too distraught.

"I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A DATE AND THE BEST DATE EVER COS I DESERVE IT," welps Jacinda, tears streaming down her face.

"I needed to spend more time with just the two of us to determine if there was anything more between us, and if I'm being 100 per cent honest I don't know if there is," says Sam.

"AND YOU LISTEN HERE MR... hang on, what was that?"

After a friendly discussion and a few more tears, the two decide they're better off going their separate ways, and also that rose ceremonies are boring (hear hear), so they call it quits and Jacinda steals off to the limo on her own.

"And just quietly, if this fucker gets a flat tyre he can call the NRMA."

OK, that's enough. Now go on and READ EPISODE SEVEN.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE FIVE again!