Sunday, September 13, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 13

We rejoin our bachelorettes in the Shag Mansion's sunroom of doom, where they're all discussing the long and arduous journey they've all endured to get to the final five.

Well, everyone except the Heatherbot, who only rocked up a few weeks ago.

"She will NEVER understand how hard it has been to get to this point," says Nina, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"Nobody knows the trouble I seen, nobody knows but Jesus..."

Suddenly two stagehands with a sack truck wheel in a brand new waxwork of Osher Gunsberg, which was ordered to save on production costs.

Sadly the budget didn't stretch to a tuxedo so they had to opt for look #225 in the catalogue, "cowboy fun".

"Ladies, you... two days... Sam..." burbles a tape recording inside the waxwork, before one of the stagehands kicks it in the shins.


They react to this news in the usual, calm way.

"This will be your last opportunity to deepen your relationship with Sam before four of you take him home to meet your family," says the waxwork.

"'Deepen', eh...?"

And so the five of them troop off to the beach where it is absolutely pissing down with rain.

Hey, you know what sounds like fun? Forty-eight hours in a beach house in a torrential downpour with your boyfriend and his four other girlfriends!

Who may also be starting a motorcycle gang!

Well, they've already got the matching jackets.

But no sooner have they all sat down in their leather jackets and blankets for a tasty glass of orange juice Sam has buggered off with the Heatherbot to a driving range, because playing golf is exactly what I'd want to do in the middle of a thunderstorm too.

Fortunately the Heatherbot has remembered to wear a hat to protect her complex circuitry from the rain.

Unfortunately she's chosen THIS hat.

But the ridiculous hat does nothing to deter Sam, who has already decided the Heatherbot is his dream woman.

"I'm typically attracted to women that are smarter than me," he says.

Well that narrows it down.

After the Heatherbot helps Sam out with his stick and balls they sit down for (yawn) "a chat".

"How are yew still single?" marvels Sam.

"I dunno, things always seem to go great with guys until I make eye contact..."

"So... how do you feel about me?" Sam asks.

What follows is two and half minutes of the Heatherbot awkwardly summarising the last few episodes in lieu of actually expressing any sort of emotion.

"Weeellll.... I FEEL....." she begins.

"I feel like I don't want to answer that question."

"When we had our first chat and I kind of felt like, butterflies, I suppose?" she says, before adding "Is that the phrase you humans use? Butterflies? In the intestines, yes?"

"I don't think we've had an awkward moment," Sam marvels.

Apart from this one right now, obviously.

Luckily for the Heatherbot, Sam is too thick to notice her obvious sidestepping of the question, so her mission to enslave him, have his robot babies and take over the human race remains on track.

"You REALLY impressed me from the moment you first walked around the corner," says Sam, practically humping her leg.

The thirst is real.

"I can see if we ever ended up together we'd never run out of things to say," he says.

"Uh, yeah... sure. I guess..."

"I really feel like spending time with you would make me a better person," says Sam, in one last desperate attempt to get the Heatherbot to express some emotion.

"Awww. That's a... nice thing," says the Heatherbot.

"But I don't need an oxygen transfer right now!"

The music swells, the lighting dims, her carbon fibre exoskeleton stiffens and I do this:

It doesn't get any more appealing.

I'd like to take this moment to point out that by this point in season two, bachelor Blake's tally board looked like this:


Moving on to Banana, and Sam has chosen the perfect activity for a downpour: walking in it.

"Now you see I already taught Sarah this but you'll notice the way I'm holding the umbrella..."

With home visits looming, Sam decides he broach an important topic: KULTCHA.

"Was your daughter brought up in the European way?" he asks.

"What, poor and with no prospect of stable future employment?" says Banana.

Then he asks her what cultural differences he can expect going into a Macedonian family.


None, really...

Nope, can't think of any.

After a nice romantic walk in the freezing rain they settle in for an even more romantic afternoon of... looking at photos of Banana's daughter!

This is the face of a man who is trying to work out the acceptable amount of time to spend admiring a woman's family photos before he can get her into bed.

"When Banana showed me the photo, the enormity of the situation dawned on me," says Sam, who apparently never realised that all this time when she was talking about her daughter, she meant her DAUGHTER.

"But... this is an actual human?"

But Sam's mood quickly changes as Banana flips through the photos.

"This is her at a cafe, and this is us in Paris," she says.

"And this is at our house in Europe..."

Say what now?


Sam somehow manages to resist the urge to jump up in the air, Toyota style, shouting "EUROPEAN HOLIDAY HOUSE COME AT ME!", instead settling for a quiet smile and an arm around Banana's shoulder. Such discipline.

Next up is Heather, who has for some reason dressed like Sam's mentally challenged younger sister to go to lunch at a Teppanyaki restaurant.

"Teppanyaki? Oh, I thought you said 'crappy beanie'!"

Even the chef is unimpressed.

"Seriously, you wear that on a date? Even my hat is more impressive."

After a pleasurable 20 minutes of having fish and rice thrown at their heads by a surly chef they retire to the lounge area for "a chat" (yawn again), where Sam says he's keen to explore Heather's softer, feminine side.

"AW JEEZ DUDE I COULD GO A BEER," barks Heather, before leaning forward and cracking out a fart.

"Jeez, and I thought mine stank."

Heather then reveals she is "terrified" about Sam's potential visit to her family home, mainly because she apparently doesn't have one.

"I don't have a family home, there's not going to be two parents sitting at a table chatting," she says.

Sorry, have I missed something here? Apart from that one time a million episodes ago where she revealed her dad had died, I feel like this concept of Heather being a homeless orphan is a little out of left field.

Also, given Sam's own mother is also dead, I feel like he'd be the last person to be concerned about the lack of two parents in any given family situation.

"We never have any awkwardness," Sam says.

"YEAH MAN IT'S TOTES HECTIC AY," barks Heather, spitting onto the floor before shouting "YOUR ROUND, DICKHEAD."

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc... and we're back at the Shag Shack (that's the beach house) where all the bachelorettes are doing their best not to pass the Bechdel Test by talking about Sam again.

"Does anyone feel weird making out with a guy we've all made out with?" asks Heather.


"I definitely don't feel like the Heatherbot has stolen his heart, not for a second," says Heather.

"When I'm with him I know that's not true," she continues.

I'm not sure, but I think this could turn out to be bitterly poignant at some point in the future.

Anyway moving on to Sarah's date (this whole "two days in a beach house" thing has been a massive waste of time, hasn't it? What was the fucking point?) which is taking place in a...

Oh look, you know the drill by now.


"I feel like Sarah tries to tell me as much as she can with a look," says Sam.

Like this look, which says "I should have worn a scarf".

Or this one, which says "I am being bored to death, send medical help."

"I want a partner, but I also want a man," says Sarah, which puts paid to the "lesbian chic" look she's currently rocking.

Then they pash and honestly, I'll spare you a picture.

If he doesn't start to move quicker Zovirax is going to pull sponsorship.

Moving on to the final date with Nina, and Sam has clearly gone all out for this one:

Wow, fishing poles AND a blanket? STEADY ON, ROCKEFELLER.

"With Nina I feel like I'm still having the same thoughts that I did when I first met her," Sam says.

Like "how many handfuls is that actually?" and "would she float?".

"I'm really worried that I might get sent home without Sam seeing all the sides of me that I want him to see," Nina says.

Well he's definitely seen THIS side...

"So is there anyone in your family I should be worried about meeting?" Sam asks her.

"I reckon I should be worried about mum trying to cut me grass," Nina barks.

Sam, m8, I don't know where you learned to do this face but UN LEARN IT IMMEDIATELY.

They enjoy a good 15 minutes standing in the rain catching zero fish before moving on to the next exhilarating part of the date...


Actually it's not cheese, it's fish and chips, fresh in the Barnacle Bill's box. Like I said, he's really turned it on for Nina.

"From the first time I met you I loved your big... energy... and your big... smile and your big... personality," says Sam.

"And your big... necklace."

"You're strong and you're opinionated and you don't hold back," says Sam, words that no man has ever, ever said to a woman they want to shag.

"I DO HAVE MY QUIET TIMES, I'M NOT ALWAYS ON," gasps Nina, but it seems like it may be too late. The writing is on the wall.

"Do you feel fireworks with us?" Sam asks.

"Yeah I do!" gushes Nina, lying through her teeth.

"Really? Because the only time we've ever kissed is when the Guinness Book of Records forced us to, so..."

"Yeah I definitely can see it going somewhere between us," says Nina, leaving claw marks in the bottom of the barrel she's in.

"OK," says Sam.

The two of them return to their boxes of fish and chips, and not another word is spoken.

Doobly doo blah blah wavy etc and we're back at the Shag Mansion for the cocktail party.

Wow, that beach getaway was a great change of scene, wasn't it? It was so nice to see them all sit on a couch in a different house for once.

"Oy've got a roolly big decision to make about which girls oym garna go do home visits with," says Sam for what could well be the five millionth time this episode.

YES WE KNOW, YOU HAVE TO SEND SOMEONE HOME WITHOUT MEETING THEIR FAMILY, WE GET IT. Anyway we all know you're going to send Nina home so just fucking get on with it.

"Instead of moy grabbing you girls and taking you out for a chat oym going to leave it in your hands - it's entoirely up to you," says Sam.

"I don't know about anyone else but I don't feel like I need to, I feel so good about the time I've spent with you, I'm completely comfortable," says Heather.

Bachelor version of that Kermit sipping tea meme number two.

The Heatherbot 3000 wheels him away for some private time, which she cunningly uses to give him a brain scan and determine that he doesn't have one, followed by Banana whose conversation must have been even more boring as we don't even get to see it.

And with that, the least eventful cocktail party of all time comes to a close, meaning...


* But first, the trailer for Quentin Tarantino's new grindhouse film "Girl Kill Squad":

Code names Surly, Bitchy, Whiny, Bored and Jersey Shore.

* Suddenly in walks Roger Ramjet:

He might not be fighting for our glory, but that top button is definitely fighting something.

* "JOURNEY blah blah blah HOME TOWNS blah blah blah ALUMINIUM SIDING," says Roger Ramjet.

Sadly no one pays any attention because they're all too creeped out by a haunted doll that's just materialised on the mantelpiece:

The face you see before you die.

* "Five of you, four roses, yada yada," says Roger Ramjet, as the doll shouts "ONE OF YOU MUST DIE!"

"Oh, is that an option?"

* The Heatherbot 3000 gets a rose. Banana gets a rose. Sarah gets a rose. And so it comes down to two: Nina the one who seriously thinks she has a chance with Sam despite spending approximately 45 minutes in his company in the past 13 weeks, and Heather version 1.0.

"Heather," says Sam, before adding "Like, der."

Well Nina, that axe fell about 10 episodes later than anyone expected. Any final words?

"At least I beat Rachel."

OK, that's it. Time to go on and READ EPISODE 14. Or go back and READ EPISODE 12 again - it was a good one.


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