Tuesday, September 15, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 14

Well, this is it people. After 13 episodes, approximately 3700 litres of champagne, 270 packets of brie and two promotional gifts from Zamels we've arrived at the final four.

"They're all so different and so hard to compare," says Sam, before adding: "Except Heather and the Heatherbot, obviously. They're like, exactly the same. Except one's better."

As is customary at this point in the series, tonight's episode will see the bachelorettes finally exiting the Shag Mansion to return to their "home towns" (a concept that works marginally better in America, a country that has more than eight cities) to introduce Sam to their families.

And so we begin with Heather in Brisbane, who is so nervous about the situation that she has started imaginary binge eating.

"No I'm coping, it's totally fine."

Heather kicks things off by bringing Sam to some sort of lookout.

"You're probably wondering why I've brought you to a mountain," she says.

"Well - this is where I lost my virginity!"

Assuming he is there to stage some sort of re-enactment Sam immediately reaches for his fly, but before he can get very far Heather has dragged him away to a restaurant.

"I'm about to show him things that I haven't shown to past boyfriends," she says, and Sam reaches for his fly again, until she brings out a photo of her dead dad.

"Before he died we would always come up here for scones and hot chocolate and this was his favourite place," says Heather.

"I'm confused, are we going to do it or not?"

"Because we came up here all the time we decided that this would be the place where we would spread his ashes, so this is my way of introducing you to my dad," Heather continues.

"Dad, this is Sam."

"Hang on, what exactly is in that thermos...?"

For reasons that are sort of unclear, and that actually seem a bit sad, Heather doesn't have any family for Sam to meet, so instead he will meet a bloke called Warwick whose farm she used to work on.

Sam reacts to this news in the same way he has reacted to everything so far:

Like a dog that's been asked to solve a quadratic equation.

"I should probably give you a heads up about Warwick," says Heather ominously.

"He's very protective of me and he's an incredible judge of character."

"G'day Sam, welcome to me farm!"

But that's enough of all this scones and chatter - there are things to do!

Sam has to meet Heather's adopted family.

Heather has to convince Sam not to dump her for continually calling him "dude".

Plus she also has to rehearse for her upcoming role in the West Brisbane Amateur Players' recreation of Michael Jackson's Thriller video:

It took her weeks to make that jacket out of old Babybel wrappers.

But right now it's time to meet Warwick, the scariest man in Brisbane, so off they troop to Sam's inevitable doom.

This is Warwick.

"Fuck off."

He is six foot four, runs a farm, and doesn't suffer bullshit. He also appears to be the sort of person who might not be enthused by the idea of a reality television show where a pretty boy is fawned over by 20 women for 16 weeks.

"So what do you know about horses, Sam?" he barks.

Wisely deciding against the answer "fuck all", Sam tells him he's from Tasmania, which is sort of like someone asking what your favourite food is and you responding by telling them how old you are.

"Good judge of character, horses," says Warwick.

Which explains why this one is giving serious side-eye.

It is then revealed that Warwick's nickname for Heather is "Half Pint".

"I might come up with a name for you by the end of the day," he tells Sam.

"Ha ha ha ha!"

"You might not be laughing so much then," he concludes.

"Ha ha h... oh."

Things deteriorate even more when Sam tries to help Warwick climb over his own fence ("mate, please don't do that, it's just embarrassing"), creating the perfect lead-in for a totally comfortable, breezy, not-at-all-awkward night of drinks and conversation...

...which mostly goes like this.

"I kind of didn't go into this expecting anything, I just thought it would be a really interesting adventure," says Heather, trying desperately to move the conversation along.

"I didn't expect Sam to be awesome," she says.

Warwick seems convinced.

"I actually thought he'd be a bit of a douche," she continues.

Yep. Definitely convinced.

"But then he ended up being a legend," she finishes.

Oh yeah, Warwick is fully on board.

"It's so far out of both of our comfort zones," says Sam, surprisingly referring to being on the show and not this dinner party which is hurtling southward in flames faster than the Hindenburg.

"Well a comfort zone is just a prison of our own making," says Warwick calmly, sipping on his beer.

Meanwhile, look out for Warwick's new range of motivational posters - coming out soon!

Just as Sam is looking around the room for where Ashton Kutcher is hiding, Warwick demands he "come outside for a little chat".

Well it's been nice knowing you, Sam.

And thus begins the job interview from hell.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" barks Warwick, who seems to have learned conversational techniques from military interrogation tactics.



Sadly Sam has to exit the conversation early, because he's got to get to his audition for the Outer Bundaberg Repertory's upcoming production of Grease.

"Sandyyyy bayyybyyyy I sit and wonder whyyyyyy..."

But before he goes, Heather makes one last ditch bid for a rose by being as romantic as she knows how.


Unsurprisingly, given he has just spent an entire evening being interrogated by Brisbane's answer to Robert De Niro's character in "Meet the Parents", Sam isn't feeling too romantic but he gives her a pash just to shut her up.

Atta boy.

Moving on to Berowra in NSW, home of the laboratory that created the Heatherbot 3000. 

She's chosen to show Sam the sights before he meets the scientists that created her, so they've come to the Berowra valley lookout.

And what a stunning vista!

After taking in the incredible views of "grey" (the Heatherbot correctly assesses it as Pantone 664C) they both decide to escape before the fog plays havoc with her circuitry so the two of them do something completely different:

"Hey guys, you know what would be great? If we could maybe get the bachelor on a boat this season!" - conversation in the producers' room, episode one.

"I've been coming here since I was a kid, but I've never sat out here like this," says the Heatherbot, adding "It's not good for my spark plugs to be this close to the water."

Overcome by talk of plugs Sam reaches over and pashes her FOR THE LONGEST TIME and there are sound effects that sound like someone squashing an orange and it's just so revolting.


But they can't hang out making squishy orange noises on the lake forever, it's time to meet the Heatherbot's "mother", who is waiting for them in the car and appears to be called Pandora:

The mother/daughter resemblance is astounding.

The two have a long overdue catch up, bleeping and blooping happily at each other for several minutes before the Heatherbot's lights flash on her console and she remembers it's time to go to the lab, where they're greeted by the head scientist and chief of robotics.

"We heard you liked wine and cheese..."

"Sam, I'd just like to take you downstairs and show you... a few little things... downstairs," says the scientist, as everyone looks at each other shiftily.

"DON'T TAKE HIM TO THE CELLAR!" shrieks the Heatherbot.

Meanwhile, in the cellar...

Unfortunately we'll never know what delights are in the cellar because Sam ends up on the couch in the downstairs living room instead, being grilled by the head of robotics at Berowra Tech.

"You don't live in New South Wales, so how is this going to work?" she asks him.

"I mean, the Heatherbot can't ever be more than 15km away from her base station, so..."

"I wonder where he plugs in..."

But after a few glasses of champagne (coolant for the Heatherbot) and a pash...

Bloody hell, he's making up for lost time here...

...it's time for Sam to go to Mornington, Victoria, where Sarah is practicing laughter therapy on a jetty.

"HA HA HA hiiiii you look HA HA HA great! Oh my gosh HA HA HA!" she says in response to Sam doing nothing particularly interesting.

"Today I've planned a really simple date, just grabbing a picnic basket and sitting on the beach," she says, seemingly unaware that that is the exact description of at least 70 per cent of the dates Sam has planned this season.

Hey, I hope they have some...

...wine and cheese. Yep.

Keen to ignite the fires of romance, Sarah pulls the blanket close, snuggles in next to Sam and starts talking about when they should have children.

"I wasn't sure what your timeframe was, if you wanted children in the next year," she says.

"No, no, no, there is no timeline," says Sam, laughing,

"I'm a bloke, I can have kids when I'm 70 if I want!"

Relieved at the news that she won't have to get preggo and pop out a kid at the next rose ceremony, Sarah starts digging her own grave by explaining all the things she wants to do do in the next five years, namely: shit you do when you're 25.

"I want to go travelling with my partner and have adventures," she gushes, as Sam ponders his possible future as a 40-year-old backpacker.


Looks like he nailed that Grease audition.

Next it's time to head to Sarah's family home to meet HER ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY:

It's either that, or a rehearsal with next year's judges of The Voice, I'm not sure.

"Samuel, come and help me collect some herbs for dinner," says Sarah's mum, leading him into their custom designed vegetable garden complete with wrought iron gates and pear sculpture.

It is about this point that it becomes clear that Sarah's mother may actually be Prue and/or Trude from Kath and Kim, and that her whole family lives in an edition of Vogue Living.

"If your personality was an animal, what animal would you say you were?" she asks Sam as he carefully trims a capsicum and places it in her hand-woven wicker basket (Bed, Bath and Table $79.95).


He says labrador, possibly because of their tendency to slobber on you and hump your leg, and they both head in for dinner where Sarah's siblings start grilling him with tough questions.

"Do you know what you want?" asks her sister.

"Why is Sarah in the final four?" asks her brother.

Meanwhile, granny is at the end of the table like:

"When are we opening the presents?"

Dinner goes well, everyone is exceptionally normal, there's a pash at the door...

I hope he's got some Chap Stick or it's gonna hurt by the time he gets to the rose ceremony.

...and we fly across the country to Perth, to where Banana and Sam are busy recreating a Calvin Klein commercial on the beach:

"CK: Dullness."

Banana explains the day's itinerary which includes a walk on the beach, a visit to the park to meet her daughter and "a big fat European wedding", a verbal slip-up so hysterically funny they laugh about it for approximately 10 minutes before falling to the ground where they have to be given CPR to recover.

They quickly shoot a few frames for a Tag Heuer commercial...

"Are you getting my bicep in?"

...and then it's off to the park to meet Banana's kid, who is apparently the prophet of doom.

"Her opinion counts and if she doesn't like him, then..." says Banana, her voice trailing off.

Then what?


I mean, I assume this, but I don't know how things are done in Macedonia.

So anyway they get to the park and Baby Banana (let's call her Chiquita) runs up to her mum who she hasn't seen in about six years since this show began and they hug and it's very emotional and no I'm not crying I've just gone for a walk in the rain while chopping onions...

Nothing weird here, just a strange man in the park watching a mother hug her young daughter, that's all.

Banana starts crying and Chiquita starts crying and all I can think is: wait until she finds out they might have to move to Melbourne to live with a random bloke.

"But Melbourne is full of dirty hipsters!"

"Chiquita and I have been a twosome for as long as I can remember," says Banana, which not only suggests that Sam has his work cut out being a third wheel in this relationship, but also that she may have a significant memory loss problem.

"I want to ask you some things," announces Chiquita, and we know it has arrived.

The moment of truth has come.

What follows will no doubt be a series of cryptic questions each more devilish than the last, and if Sam fails to answer any of them correctly - SPIKE TIME.

"So," she begins.

"What's the capital of Macedonia?

"Also what's their main export? I need to know for my homework."

Sam passes the quiz and, safe from beheading, heads to Banana's family home where Perth's annual Macedonian food festival is being held in the dining room.

They expect a crowd of about 15,000 this year.

"So Sam, how is Banana going to cope if you took her away? She needs this much food once a week, HA HA HA," jokes Banana's brother.

"I reckon I'll have to move to Perth, HA HA HA," jokes Sam.

"No seriously, would you move to Perth?" says the late night SBS announcer who's just wandered into the room.

"I will be having my eyelids held open with surgical tape and taking medication to combat my restlessness while I wait in anticipation for your answer."

"Well I think if Banana and I do end up together, er... we need to have an adult, pragmatic talk about, er..." says Sam.

So impressed.

"You know, I have a business in Melbourne, I can't just pack up my things and move, and, er..."

Definitely dazzled.

"We understand you've got an eight year old business, but she's got an eight year old daughter," snips Banana's brother.

"Er, hey, um can we talk about how great the food is again?"

Things get even more real when Banana's brother takes Sam outside for "a chat" and starts acting like Marlon Brando in The Godfather, despite being the youngest person there.

"So, are you planning to take her from the family?" he asks.

"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man, you know."

Sam is taken slightly off guard, but little bro has only just begun.

"You're falling for my sister? How much can you fall for her in that amount of time, with three other girls on the side?" he asks.

"You're 34, yeah? You think you're old enough to be a father to an eight year old girl?

"Will you be able to turn that switch from being a single guy dating women on a TV show to all of a sudden settling down and having another life that you're responsible for?

"How are you going to find time for both work, my sister, my niece and - god willing - further kids down the track? Are you willing to push back work and give my sister and niece the time they deserve?"

Yes, he actually said "god willing".

Actual shot of Banana's brother chatting to Sam.

Meanwhile on the other side of the house Banana is talking to her sister about Sam.

"So, what did you think?" she gushes excitedly.

"Yeah... he's... nice," says her sister.

"But I've only known him five seconds. You've obviously known him... er... a bit longer."

"A few hours, is it?"

It becomes quite obvious at this point that no one in Banana's family thinks this Bachelor thing is a good idea, and that all of them view the concept of going on a national TV show to form a harem for a strange man with strong suspicion.


"I guess it's only been three dates, so when you put it like that it sounds really bizarre," laughs Banana.

"Yeah. And he's been on other dates, with other chicks?" asks her sister.

"Yeah!" laughs Banana.

TFW when you're trying to support your sister's new relationship but she's clearly crazy.

"When you kiss him, aren't you looking at his lips thinking 'who's been on those lips'? How can you not think that? That's not normal," she continues

"Well, we are close, all the girls," says Banana, beginning to mount a defence.

Banana's family dropping truth bombs.

"I think they like you!" Banana gushes as she sees Sam out the door.

"You can't be serious?"

Sensing this might be his last chance to stick his tongue down Banana's throat without any repercussions from her family, Sam sticks his tongue down Banana's throat.

Go son, go!

And with all four home visits finished, Sam heads back to the Shag Mansion where he grabs his generic tablet device to brush up for his final test - the rose ceremony.

"Where the fuck is Macedonia anyway?"

After catching up on Facebook (and OMG there's no way that dress is white and gold) he fires up Tinder to see if there's any action to be had in the vicinity.

Sadly, the only nearby women are the same four he's already had.

Meanwhile all four bachelorettes are busy occupying themselves with pointless photogenic tasks.

Heather is wandering the verandah like an extra from a Red Tulip commercial:

"Did I leave my dignity up there?"

Sarah is helping the cameraman find his focus point:

"Nup sorry, the candle is still blurry, can you maybe move a little closer?"

The Heatherbot 3000 is helping to prop up the front door after a white ant scare:

"It's OK, I'm load bearing."

And Banana is testing a new pharmaceutical sedative in the garden.

"Yep, it's working."

But it's time to head inside, because...


* Sadly the bachelorettes' attempt to recreate the flag of Yemen is ruined when the Heatherbot rocks up wearing blue.

"I thought we were doing South Korea!"

* Meanwhile, the Heatherbot is annoyed that no one got her "wear a crazy wig to the rose ceremony" memo.

"I thought we were ALL going to wear stupid wigs, guys..."

* Suddenly a moth flaps in through the window, lands on a lamp and starts giving a speech.

"Taking Sam into your homes, giving him a glimpse into your life outside the mansion, introducing him to those people in your life that mean the most to you, these are all huge steps on your path to finding love, and I'm sure this week you felt a lot of emotion, however Sam felt the same emotion four times over so tonight he needs to make a decision which will no doubt be painful because..."

Thank goodness for that.

* The four women look at the three roses on the plate. They look at each other. They look back at the roses. Approximately 17 minutes passes.

"Hey, there aren't enough roses!" cries Sarah.

* Sarah gets the first rose. Banana gets the second rose.

You know what that means.

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Finally, it's all come down to this: the ultimate battle between Heather and her robot clone, scientifically manufactured to be at least 30 per cent more appealing than her in every respect.

Heather has put up a strong 14 episodes, in which she has come up with at least four new alternatives to the word "dude", but can she compete with a sexy fembot that can speak Spanish?

The air is thick.

So thick, in fact, that Sam can taste it.

"Yep, someone definitely had onions for lunch."

He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and opens his mouth

"The Heatherbot," he says.

"Oh yep, I did leave it up there."

This is basically the Bachelor equivalent of this:

"You can pinpoint the second his heart rips in half!"

So... um.

I mean.

Heather is OK about not getting a rose though, right?


"Heather, you did not receive a rose," says Osher Gunsberg, who's rocks into the room eating half a ham sandwich he stole from the catering tent before being shooed out again by the director's assistant.

"Can I ask why?" Heather sobs into Sam's shoulder.

Well I don't want to point any fingers here, but...

Sam embarks on a long and complicated story about his feelings and their relationship and emotions which can ultimately be edited down to one word:

Kinda saw it coming, dude.

And so as the Heatherbot wheels a victory lap around the living room, her lights flashing morse code for "VICTORY", her carbon original makes the sad, slow walk to the limo of doom.

Farewell, dude. You were super annoying to start with, but I really came to like you, man. It's been totes hectic knowing you.

Meanwhile, stay tuned for Heather's new motivational posters. out soon!

Well, it's fair to say that episode almost killed me.

Better go on and READ EPISODE 15 before I actually cark it.

Or go back and READ EPISODE 13 again.


  1. Utterly brilliant! Please find the strength for episode 15.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Yours are by far the best recaps, final 2 episodes pleeeease!