Well, this is it people. After 13 episodes, approximately 3700 litres of champagne, 270 packets of brie and two promotional gifts from Zamels we've arrived at the final four.
"They're all so different and so hard to compare," says Sam, before adding: "Except Heather and the Heatherbot, obviously. They're like, exactly the same. Except one's better."
As is customary at this point in the series, tonight's episode will see the bachelorettes finally exiting the Shag Mansion to return to their "home towns" (a concept that works marginally better in America, a country that has more than eight cities) to introduce Sam to their families.
And so we begin with Heather in Brisbane, who is so nervous about the situation that she has started imaginary binge eating.
Heather kicks things off by bringing Sam to some sort of lookout.
"You're probably wondering why I've brought you to a mountain," she says.
Assuming he is there to stage some sort of re-enactment Sam immediately reaches for his fly, but before he can get very far Heather has dragged him away to a restaurant.
"I'm about to show him things that I haven't shown to past boyfriends," she says, and Sam reaches for his fly again, until she brings out a photo of her dead dad.
"Before he died we would always come up here for scones and hot chocolate and this was his favourite place," says Heather.
"Because we came up here all the time we decided that this would be the place where we would spread his ashes, so this is my way of introducing you to my dad," Heather continues.
"Dad, this is Sam."
For reasons that are sort of unclear, and that actually seem a bit sad, Heather doesn't have any family for Sam to meet, so instead he will meet a bloke called Warwick whose farm she used to work on.
Sam reacts to this news in the same way he has reacted to everything so far:
"I should probably give you a heads up about Warwick," says Heather ominously.
"He's very protective of me and he's an incredible judge of character."
But that's enough of all this scones and chatter - there are things to do!
Sam has to meet Heather's adopted family.
Heather has to convince Sam not to dump her for continually calling him "dude".
Plus she also has to rehearse for her upcoming role in the West Brisbane Amateur Players' recreation of Michael Jackson's Thriller video:
But right now it's time to meet Warwick, the scariest man in Brisbane, so off they troop to Sam's inevitable doom.
This is Warwick.
He is six foot four, runs a farm, and doesn't suffer bullshit. He also appears to be the sort of person who might not be enthused by the idea of a reality television show where a pretty boy is fawned over by 20 women for 16 weeks.
"So what do you know about horses, Sam?" he barks.
Wisely deciding against the answer "fuck all", Sam tells him he's from Tasmania, which is sort of like someone asking what your favourite food is and you responding by telling them how old you are.
"Good judge of character, horses," says Warwick.
It is then revealed that Warwick's nickname for Heather is "Half Pint".
"I might come up with a name for you by the end of the day," he tells Sam.
"You might not be laughing so much then," he concludes.
Things deteriorate even more when Sam tries to help Warwick climb over his own fence ("mate, please don't do that, it's just embarrassing"), creating the perfect lead-in for a totally comfortable, breezy, not-at-all-awkward night of drinks and conversation...
"I kind of didn't go into this expecting anything, I just thought it would be a really interesting adventure," says Heather, trying desperately to move the conversation along.
"I didn't expect Sam to be awesome," she says.
"But then he ended up being a legend," she finishes.
"It's so far out of both of our comfort zones," says Sam, surprisingly referring to being on the show and not this dinner party which is hurtling southward in flames faster than the Hindenburg.
"Well a comfort zone is just a prison of our own making," says Warwick calmly, sipping on his beer.
Just as Sam is looking around the room for where Ashton Kutcher is hiding, Warwick demands he "come outside for a little chat".
And thus begins the job interview from hell.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" barks Warwick, who seems to have learned conversational techniques from military interrogation tactics.
"HOW MUCH OF YOUR DECISION MAKING IS MADE FROM THE RIGHT PLACE ?"
"GO THROUGH THE FINAL FOUR AND TELL ME WHY YOU CONNECT TO EACH ONE."
Sadly Sam has to exit the conversation early, because he's got to get to his audition for the Outer Bundaberg Repertory's upcoming production of Grease.
But before he goes, Heather makes one last ditch bid for a rose by being as romantic as she knows how.
"I'M GONNA MISS YOU A SHITLOAD," she says.
Unsurprisingly, given he has just spent an entire evening being interrogated by Brisbane's answer to Robert De Niro's character in "Meet the Parents", Sam isn't feeling too romantic but he gives her a pash just to shut her up.
She's chosen to show Sam the sights before he meets the scientists that created her, so they've come to the Berowra valley lookout.
After taking in the incredible views of "grey" (the Heatherbot correctly assesses it as Pantone 664C) they both decide to escape before the fog plays havoc with her circuitry so the two of them do something completely different:
But they can't hang out making squishy orange noises on the lake forever, it's time to meet the Heatherbot's "mother", who is waiting for them in the car and appears to be called Pandora:
The two have a long overdue catch up, bleeping and blooping happily at each other for several minutes before the Heatherbot's lights flash on her console and she remembers it's time to go to the lab, where they're greeted by the head scientist and chief of robotics.
"Sam, I'd just like to take you downstairs and show you... a few little things... downstairs," says the scientist, as everyone looks at each other shiftily.
"DON'T TAKE HIM TO THE CELLAR!" shrieks the Heatherbot.
Unfortunately we'll never know what delights are in the cellar because Sam ends up on the couch in the downstairs living room instead, being grilled by the head of robotics at Berowra Tech.
"You don't live in New South Wales, so how is this going to work?" she asks him.
"I mean, the Heatherbot can't ever be more than 15km away from her base station, so..."
But after a few glasses of champagne (coolant for the Heatherbot) and a pash...
...it's time for Sam to go to Mornington, Victoria, where Sarah is practicing laughter therapy on a jetty.
"HA HA HA hiiiii you look HA HA HA great! Oh my gosh HA HA HA!" she says in response to Sam doing nothing particularly interesting.
"Today I've planned a really simple date, just grabbing a picnic basket and sitting on the beach," she says, seemingly unaware that that is the exact description of at least 70 per cent of the dates Sam has planned this season.
Hey, I hope they have some...
Keen to ignite the fires of romance, Sarah pulls the blanket close, snuggles in next to Sam and starts talking about when they should have children.
"I wasn't sure what your timeframe was, if you wanted children in the next year," she says.
"No, no, no, there is no timeline," says Sam, laughing,
Relieved at the news that she won't have to get preggo and pop out a kid at the next rose ceremony, Sarah starts digging her own grave by explaining all the things she wants to do do in the next five years, namely: shit you do when you're 25.
"I want to go travelling with my partner and have adventures," she gushes, as Sam ponders his possible future as a 40-year-old backpacker.
Next it's time to head to Sarah's family home to meet HER ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY:
"Samuel, come and help me collect some herbs for dinner," says Sarah's mum, leading him into their custom designed vegetable garden complete with wrought iron gates and pear sculpture.
It is about this point that it becomes clear that Sarah's mother may actually be Prue and/or Trude from Kath and Kim, and that her whole family lives in an edition of Vogue Living.
"If your personality was an animal, what animal would you say you were?" she asks Sam as he carefully trims a capsicum and places it in her hand-woven wicker basket (Bed, Bath and Table $79.95).
He says labrador, possibly because of their tendency to slobber on you and hump your leg, and they both head in for dinner where Sarah's siblings start grilling him with tough questions.
"Do you know what you want?" asks her sister.
"Why is Sarah in the final four?" asks her brother.
Meanwhile, granny is at the end of the table like:
Dinner goes well, everyone is exceptionally normal, there's a pash at the door...
...and we fly across the country to Perth, to where Banana and Sam are busy recreating a Calvin Klein commercial on the beach:
Banana explains the day's itinerary which includes a walk on the beach, a visit to the park to meet her daughter and "a big fat European wedding", a verbal slip-up so hysterically funny they laugh about it for approximately 10 minutes before falling to the ground where they have to be given CPR to recover.
They quickly shoot a few frames for a Tag Heuer commercial...
...and then it's off to the park to meet Banana's kid, who is apparently the prophet of doom.
"Her opinion counts and if she doesn't like him, then..." says Banana, her voice trailing off.
So anyway they get to the park and Baby Banana (let's call her Chiquita) runs up to her mum who she hasn't seen in about six years since this show began and they hug and it's very emotional and no I'm not crying I've just gone for a walk in the rain while chopping onions...
Banana starts crying and Chiquita starts crying and all I can think is: wait until she finds out they might have to move to Melbourne to live with a random bloke.
"Chiquita and I have been a twosome for as long as I can remember," says Banana, which not only suggests that Sam has his work cut out being a third wheel in this relationship, but also that she may have a significant memory loss problem.
"I want to ask you some things," announces Chiquita, and we know it has arrived.
The moment of truth has come.
What follows will no doubt be a series of cryptic questions each more devilish than the last, and if Sam fails to answer any of them correctly - SPIKE TIME.
"So," she begins.
"What's the capital of Macedonia?
Sam passes the quiz and, safe from beheading, heads to Banana's family home where Perth's annual Macedonian food festival is being held in the dining room.
"So Sam, how is Banana going to cope if you took her away? She needs this much food once a week, HA HA HA," jokes Banana's brother.
"I reckon I'll have to move to Perth, HA HA HA," jokes Sam.
"No seriously, would you move to Perth?" says the late night SBS announcer who's just wandered into the room.
"Well I think if Banana and I do end up together, er... we need to have an adult, pragmatic talk about, er..." says Sam.
"You know, I have a business in Melbourne, I can't just pack up my things and move, and, er..."
"We understand you've got an eight year old business, but she's got an eight year old daughter," snips Banana's brother.
Things get even more real when Banana's brother takes Sam outside for "a chat" and starts acting like Marlon Brando in The Godfather, despite being the youngest person there.
"So, are you planning to take her from the family?" he asks.
Sam is taken slightly off guard, but little bro has only just begun.
"You're falling for my sister? How much can you fall for her in that amount of time, with three other girls on the side?" he asks.
"Will you be able to turn that switch from being a single guy dating women on a TV show to all of a sudden settling down and having another life that you're responsible for?
"How are you going to find time for both work, my sister, my niece and - god willing - further kids down the track? Are you willing to push back work and give my sister and niece the time they deserve?"
Yes, he actually said "god willing".
Meanwhile on the other side of the house Banana is talking to her sister about Sam.
"So, what did you think?" she gushes excitedly.
"Yeah... he's... nice," says her sister.
"But I've only known him five seconds. You've obviously known him... er... a bit longer."
It becomes quite obvious at this point that no one in Banana's family thinks this Bachelor thing is a good idea, and that all of them view the concept of going on a national TV show to form a harem for a strange man with strong suspicion.
"I guess it's only been three dates, so when you put it like that it sounds really bizarre," laughs Banana.
"Yeah. And he's been on other dates, with other chicks?" asks her sister.
"Yeah!" laughs Banana.
"When you kiss him, aren't you looking at his lips thinking 'who's been on those lips'? How can you not think that? That's not normal," she continues
"Well, we are close, all the girls," says Banana, beginning to mount a defence.
"I think they like you!" Banana gushes as she sees Sam out the door.
Sensing this might be his last chance to stick his tongue down Banana's throat without any repercussions from her family, Sam sticks his tongue down Banana's throat.
And with all four home visits finished, Sam heads back to the Shag Mansion where he grabs his generic tablet device to brush up for his final test - the rose ceremony.
After catching up on Facebook (and OMG there's no way that dress is white and gold) he fires up Tinder to see if there's any action to be had in the vicinity.
Heather is wandering the verandah like an extra from a Red Tulip commercial:
Sarah is helping the cameraman find his focus point:
The Heatherbot 3000 is helping to prop up the front door after a white ant scare:
And Banana is testing a new pharmaceutical sedative in the garden.
But it's time to head inside, because...
IT'S ROSE TIME!* Sadly the bachelorettes' attempt to recreate the flag of Yemen is ruined when the Heatherbot rocks up wearing blue.
* Meanwhile, the Heatherbot is annoyed that no one got her "wear a crazy wig to the rose ceremony" memo.
* Suddenly a moth flaps in through the window, lands on a lamp and starts giving a speech.
"Taking Sam into your homes, giving him a glimpse into your life outside the mansion, introducing him to those people in your life that mean the most to you, these are all huge steps on your path to finding love, and I'm sure this week you felt a lot of emotion, however Sam felt the same emotion four times over so tonight he needs to make a decision which will no doubt be painful because..."
* The four women look at the three roses on the plate. They look at each other. They look back at the roses. Approximately 17 minutes passes.
"Hey, there aren't enough roses!" cries Sarah.
* Sarah gets the first rose. Banana gets the second rose.
You know what that means.
Heather has put up a strong 14 episodes, in which she has come up with at least four new alternatives to the word "dude", but can she compete with a sexy fembot that can speak Spanish?
The air is thick.
So thick, in fact, that Sam can taste it.
He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and opens his mouth
"The Heatherbot," he says.
This is basically the Bachelor equivalent of this:
Heather is OK about not getting a rose though, right?
"Heather, you did not receive a rose," says Osher Gunsberg, who's rocks into the room eating half a ham sandwich he stole from the catering tent before being shooed out again by the director's assistant.
"Can I ask why?" Heather sobs into Sam's shoulder.
Sam embarks on a long and complicated story about his feelings and their relationship and emotions which can ultimately be edited down to one word:
And so as the Heatherbot wheels a victory lap around the living room, her lights flashing morse code for "VICTORY", her carbon original makes the sad, slow walk to the limo of doom.
Farewell, dude. You were super annoying to start with, but I really came to like you, man. It's been totes hectic knowing you.
Well, it's fair to say that episode almost killed me.
Better go on and READ EPISODE 15 before I actually cark it.
Or go back and READ EPISODE 13 again.