Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 15

This episode begins on the edge of a cliff where, having just said goodbye to the only bachelorette with a personality, Sam is considering throwing himself into the ocean.

"The country's gunna hate me, I might as well end it now."

Having whittled 21 women down to just three, he's got a "roolly big" decision to make about which one to boot next, and he's going to spend the next hour telling us all about it.

"The women are so different, they're so unique," says Sam.

One's blonde!

One's brunette!

One's a murderous robot intent on taking over the world!

The issue is weighing so heavy on his mind, Sam immediately does what anyone would when faced with a difficult decision: he immediately takes his shirt off and starts shooting an ad for Grindr in the shower.

"This decision is just so HARD... and HUGE... and WET..."

With the stench of failure finally washed off, Sam jumps in his very impressive rented sports car that comes with its own "Engine Sound Effects" CD and drives off to meet Banana, who is looking resplendent in a cape she made herself:

From a tarp she found in the gardening aisle at Bunnings.

Still, it beats this one:

Which she made from a mop in the cleaning aisle at Kmart.

"It was white, it was loud, it was fast," says Banana as they hoon away, and I'm only partly certain she's referring to the Lamborghini.

They arrive at some penthouse apartment somewhere for no reason other than to stand on the balcony for 10 minutes and look at the Opera House as Sam announces "I'm taking you over there tonight".

Dude, you could have saved yourself the trouble and just announced this in the car.

Naturally Banana reacts to this news as if she's just been told she's won $20 million in cash to be hand delivered by Channing Tatum bungee jumping naked through the skylight.


"But we need to be dressed at our best, so I got you a little present," says Sam, handing Banana a new ballgown in what is a masterful bit of shade.

"No offence, but... you can't go out looking like that."

Fortunately Banana has brought along a hair and makeup team in her handbag so she scrubs up and they head off to the Opera House where Sam has arranged for them to watch a special ballet performance.

On their own.

In the main theatre.

"We've got the whole place to ourselves!" Sam announces, as if this is a good thing.

Yeah. Looks... fun.

The lights dim, and two ballet dancers come out and try as hard as possible not to exert themselves in any way for a full two and a half minutes.

Actually it's possible they didn't even realise anyone was there.

Performing the "Valium Suite" from their upcoming ballet "Nyquil: The Musical", the dancers traipse about the stage breathing and occasionally lifting an arm.

It is truly entrancing.

Things get vaguely animated when they perform this rare move, known as "the bum sniff":

"Jeez, did you have a yiros for lunch?"

Meanwhile, in the stalls:

"Wanna try that later?"

Suddenly remembering that they're paying for it by the hour, the two hurry back to their penthouse apartment where Sam makes a round of espresso martinis and begins his best negging routine to get Banana into bed.

"If someone had asked me 'what are you looking for?' I wouldn't have described you," he says.

What, you wouldn't have said "a single mother of one who lives on the opposite side of the country"? Weird.

Not to be outdone, Banana launches into a speech about how hard and not very fun a relationship with a mother of a young child will be.

"You know when you're a new couple and you go away and you go on dates and it's spur of the moment - it would be different with me, it wouldn't be so easy to do things like that," she says.

"Wait... but we'd still get the free Lamborghini and helicopter rides and shit, right?"

Suddenly the espresso martini kicks in and Banana shouts "I LOVED THE WAY YOU SURPRISED ME IN THE LAMBORGHINI" which makes me think there's a much more exciting version of their date somewhere on the editing room floor.

"TEQUILA SHOTS!" she shouts before gently sliding under the coffee table.

And so we move on to Sam's next date with the Heatherbot 3000, who over the last 24 hours has downloaded the entirety of Wikipedia into her mainframe to better understand human emotion and, as a result, has just discovered the concept of nostalgia.

In an attempt to harness this ethereal wistfulness and turn it to her advantage, she arrives for their date dressed as Sam's favourite childhood video game character, Carmen Sandiego.

With mixed results.

Sam announces they're going on a seaplane and for once she doesn't respond by telling him all about the time she went on a seaplane in Bali or Mexico or Paris or anywhere better and more sophisticated than here.

They fly to some beach somewhere and tuck into some champagne and cheese...

Next year's sponsor.

...and spend at least 10 minutes talking about how much they miss each other, even though they're standing right in front of each other. It goes a bit like this:

SAM: Oyve missed you.

HEATHERBOT: I've missed you.

SAM: Oyve missed how oysie it is to talk to ya.

HEATHERBOT: *bleep bloop*

SAM: Oym sao happy ta be here with ya.


The conversation is so mind numbingly dull that they pash just to relieve the boredom.

That Zovirax is working overtime now.

"The Heatherbot and oy always have great conversations, but for the next part of our date oy wanted to mix things up a little bit," says Sam.

In other words: "I am so bored of talking with this chick, I've planned an activity where neither of us has to speak."

Like some light BDSM!

Sadly, while a ball gag does not appear to be on the menu it does seem as though the two of them will be experiencing some amount of pain, as they strap themselves to an inflatable raft to be dragged at top speed behind a boat.


Just a reminder: Sam gave Banana a new dress, then took her to the ballet and made her espresso martinis.

After enduring the date equivalent of a Jackass episode, the Heatherbot returns to shore and sets herself on "spin cycle" to rid her circuitry of any excess water before sitting down to dinner with Sam.

Sam asks her if she could see herself living in Melbourne, and after an awkward discussion about what constitutes "living", philosophically speaking, she says yes.

"What about you, could you see yourself living in Sydney?" she asks him.

"Bitch are you crazy?"

Sensing she may be losing him, the Heatherbot launches into an epic speech professing her feelings - or at least, what she understands feelings to be.

"I feel as though I gravitate towards you on an intellectual level, on a physical level and we have fantastic communication and I feel it's so important to be able to speak your mind and speak your emotions and I'm not holding anything back emotionally and honestly every time I'm with you I fall for you and you make falling for you so easy you know and it's been good," she says.

Yeah... he looks won over.

"I think you communicate better than any girl I've ever been in a relationship with," says Sam, which may be the most romantic thing to come out of anyone's mouth since Joe Hockey announced the federal budget.

Meanwhile, Sam's former girlfriends are watching at home like:


"I communicate fine, you moron."

"Communicate THIS, buddy!"

Fortunately for Sam the Heatherbot isn't upset, she's just happy her recent communication software upgrade has been a success.

The "natural facial expression" software needs a bit of work, though.

"This date has been all about how the Heatherbot loves the water, so after dinner I cheekily suggested a midnight swim," says Sam.


"I wanted to get her in a bikini so I could rub up against her in the pool."

Then they pash FOR AGES.

I'm not even joking, it goes on and on and on and on for honestly 20 minutes and if you can think of anything more revolting that a man slobbering all over a fembot in a pool while he rubs his groin against her THEN YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE A PERVERTED IMAGINATION.

I can't believe this episode is still going.

And so we move on, hoping that whoever cleans that house the next day also disinfects the pool, to Sam's next date with Sarah.

With her date falling as it does during book week, Sarah has shown up in costume as mid 19th century literary figure and fictional embodiment of the effect of industrialisation on 1800s English society, Silas Marner.

Nailed it.

"She's such an incredible girl and she looked just beautiful," says Sam.

"No, wait... sorry. Not beautiful - dreadful. That's what I meant, sorry."

Fortunately Sarah doesn't hear him, as she is busy practising her act for the upcoming Bachelor talent night with ex-contestant Heather:

It really looks like they're her hands, right?! Wait until she tries to drink a glass of water, it's hilarious.

For some reason Sam has turned up in a horse and carriage, which isn't particularly cool but does compliment Sarah's bizarre 1850s get-up quite nicely.

They set off down the road and it looks very much like Sarah is leading a tourist along on a Ye Olde Worlde Ghost Tour of the Sydney countryside.

"And they say round these parts ye can still hear her clanking her chains of an evening, yarrr!"

They finally get to an old farmhouse where Sam, just for something different, has planned an afternoon of wine and cheese.

Sarah is upset, not only because she's developed serious digestion problems after weeks on end of nothing but pinot grigio and brie, but because she was hoping to treat Sam to a performance of her one woman version of The Crucible.


"So, do you think you might know which girl you're going to choose in the end?" Sarah asks, adjusting her hat to be even more jaunty on her head.

"Um... I'm still... working that out," says Sam, which is another way of saying "No, but it definitely isn't you."

It is at this point that Sarah develops an instant and wholly consuming interest in china:

"Oh it looks like this one is from the 'Kmart' dynasty..."

Things get even more awkward when they try to have a conversation and realise they're not very good at it.

"It's almost as if when we speak we're interrupting the peace here," Sarah laughs nervously.

"Oh yeah it's, er... it's so peaceful out here," Sam says.

"Yeah... good," says Sarah.

Sam coughs.

Somewhere, a dog barks.


"I wonder what Banana is wearing right now."

Hey, you know what will save this situation?


Loosened up by Edam, Sarah decides to go for broke and really let Sam know how she feels.

"I think the reason why I haven't opened up so much is because I am falling for you and it's hard to be completely vulnerable because I don't want to get hurt and the more time I spend with you the closer I feel we're getting and I can see us being in a relationship together and I think there's something really special here but I ..."

"Sam? Sam?"

Fortunately Osher Gunsberg is on hand with an adrenalin shot to wake Sam up, but it's too late. He's missed Sarah's heartfelt speech. Will he give her a rose anyway?

Spolier alert: Nope.

But before we head to the final rose ceremony, there's just one more task to be done: Sam has to design a wedding ring 

engagement ring 

I wanna fuck you ring 

commitment ring for his favourite lady!

It's diamond! It's sparkly! It's...

...from Zamel's.

Meanwhile back at the house, the cocktail party is in full swing with all four parties hanging out on their own in separate parts of the house feeling shitty. It's just like my family Christmas dinner every year.

Faced with the prospect of potentially having to spend more time with Sam, all three bachelorettes are seeking solace in drink:

"Botttoms up."

"You might as well just bring the bottle out here, seriously."

"Ah yeah, that's the good stuff."

* Meanwhile, inside, Sam is passing the time until he can get rid of Sarah by surfing the internet.

"But if there's only one cup how are they... woahhhh..."

But anyway that's enough fannying about. It's the pointy end of the competition now, so let's get on with it.


* Sensing she may be soon for the boot, Banana takes advantage of her last five minutes of screen time by auditioning for the role of backing singer for upcoming DVD "Yanni Live at the Acropolis II":

You should hear her sing "Santorini", seriously, she's amazing.

* Meanwhile, Sarah may not know much about china, but her skills with the Bedazzler are unparalleled, as demonstrated by the plastic crystals hot glued to her ear.

"I think I'm getting a migraine."

* The Heatherbot 3000 gets a rose and is all like "bleep bloop boing".

And then it's down to two: Banana, the one Sam took to the ballet and gave a ballgown to and made cocktails for and drooled all over, and Sarah, the one who... wore that hat.

I think we all know what's going to happen here.


And so, proving once again that I never pick the winner of any reality TV show ever, my pick for the win departs without a rose and wanders out the door to the limo of doom.

Oh well, Sarah.

Any final words?


Well that's it - we're down to the final two now! It's the ultimate smackdown between a delicious fruity snack and a lethal robot from the future - Banana or the Heatherbot, who will win?

Go on and READ EPISODE 16 - THE GRAND FINALE! Or delay the inevitable, go back and READ EPISODE 14 again.


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