Wednesday, September 09, 2015

The Bachelor Australia Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 11

We rejoin our bachelorettes in the Shag Mansion's Laura-Ashley-decorated waiting room of the damned where everyone is pretending to be upset about Hey Bro! getting the arse last week by making various sad noises.

"It was horrible saying goodbye to her," says Nina.

"I mean for one thing it was super confusing. Like, 'Goodbye, Hey Bro!' just doesn't make sense."

Suddenly last year's host Osher Gunsberg appears in a puff of smoke, wanting to know if there are any jobs going because he's behind on his rent and can't even afford organic quinoa anymore.

Sadly he is informed that hosting duties have already been filled on the show this year by, variously, a toupee, a pile of leaves, a dustball, a piece of lint, some fluff, the corner of the rug, every contestant, a few assistant camermen and a small china horse on the mantelpiece, so he leaves, despondent.

Meanwhile am I crazy or has Osher worn this same shirt almost every episode? Is he trying to pull a Karl Stefanovic or what?

But the bachelorettes are far too busy to be worried about Osher's financial future - they've got a manila envelope to open! THE EXCITEMENT NEVER STOPS, I'M TELLING YOU.

Everyone agrees this week's single date will be for Nina because it's been so long since she's had one, and she's the only "original" girl who hasn't had a second date, and that's absolutely how this show works so we'll all ignore the obvious truth that Sam is not into Nina whatsoever and doesn't want to waste any more time with her.

As it turns out it's a group date anyway and everyone's going, so whatevs.

"I think it's really interesting for Sam to see the original girls mixing with the intruders and just seeing what the dynamics are like," says Nina, as if they're all dogs that need to be socialised instead of actual, human women.


Anyway Nina, mate, whether you can play in the sandpit with any of the other women won't make a shit of difference when the show is over and you don't have to see any of them anymore, so get over it. NO ONE CARES.

Another thing no one cares about is kids' sports, which is a huge coincidence because that's exactly how the producers have chosen to fill the next 15 minutes of television.

"Sam's brought you here to show you some of the activities he uses in his school programs," says Osher, who has somehow managed to bribe an assistant cameraman to present the next segment - a group date in the middle of a footy oval.

"We're gunna soy your fitness cartching skills in full swing," says Sam as approximately 500 pre-schoolers run screaming onto the field and start bashing each other with softball bats.

Yes, it's time for the annual "Which Bachelorette Would Make The Worst Future Mum" challenge.

Everyone is thrilled.

"All I wanted was a date where I got to dress up as a superhero and eat lollies in an ice cream van - now I have to deal with kids?"

Meanwhile, note to Osher:

Maybe don't invite comparisons like this.

"Seeing how the women react to the children will give me a great insight into their personalities," says Sam.

"It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE," shrieks Rachel the food blogger, adding "NIGHTTTMAAARE!"

Yep, got that insight, thanks.

To be fair, Rachel is a bit freaked out - she hasn't seen this many children in one place since she accidentally turned up to blog a hot new salad restaurant and discovered it was Sizzler.

While Rachel retreats to the goal square to post an Instagram comparing her legs to hot dogs, Banana puts on her Supermum cape and leaps into action shepherding the kids through an obstacle course.

Future Prime Minister of Australia.

Despite giving at least one child an acquired brain injury she does better than Sarah, who spends the entire time desperately whispering "guys! Guys?" while the kids throw balls at each other and ignore her completely.

"Balls in general are not my thing," she says.

Remember that, Sam. It might be important later.


Visual representation of Sarah's coaching skills.

Worse still is Rachel, who only agrees to some soccer coaching after she finds out the oranges they're having at half time are heirloom organic and will come up really well on Instagram.

As it turns out her idea of "soccer coaching" is "stand limply by while children throw themselves into a net out of boredom", at which she really excels.

To be fair, this is also what I would do if forced to spend an afternoon playing soccer with Rachel.

Determined not to fail like the carbon-based losers around her, the Heatherbot 3000 scans her internal information library for the chapter on "human spawn" but can't find any information specific to playing basketball with them, so wheels off to give herself an oil change instead.

Moving on to Nina, who has been charged with the task of letting children run full pelt at her face and knocking her to the ground - something half the bachelorettes have been itching to do since the show started.

"This is what I'm about, getting down and dirty," says Nina, which is probably the least appropriate way to describe playing with children.

Speaking of games, let's play one called "Throwing Shade With Rachel". See if you can guess what Brisbane's pre-eminent food blogger means by this phrase:

"Nina's probably a bit physically tougher than the rest of us."


Did you get it?

After a few hours most of the kids have either died of boredom or been admitted to hospital with head injuries so the bachelorettes head back to the Shag Mansion where another exciting manila envelope is waiting for them.

Sadly it is not full of anthrax but a single date card reading "Let's hit a high note", which I hope means whoever is going will be made to chug bucket bongs before busting out Bon Jovi at karaoke.

Once again everyone agrees the date will be for Nina because she deserves it and she hasn't had one in so long and she did so well letting kids push her into the dirt the day before...

"The Heatherbot 3000!" announces Sarah.

Give the girl an Oscar already.

And so the Heatherbot wheels off to meet Sam in some shorts that helpfully point out where her vagina is so he doesn't have to ask.

That'll save some time later.

"So the clue was 'let's hit a high note', what do you think the date is?" Sam asks her.

"I dunno, something with adrenalin?" she replies, proving that her "English Idioms 2.0 Add-on Pack" software may be out of date.

But she's right, they're going parasailing. So either the Heatherbot is more perceptive than we thought or she's gained the ability to see into the future.

Or she's actually from the future and has come back to the present to kill Sam. 

Just then a spray of sea water hits the Heatherbot in the face and her left eye starts blowing sparks, so she quickly scans through her lexicon of common expressions and exclaims "I love the water and I love activities!", just like a real human would.

Meanwhile, those rumours about Sam are persisting.

"So have you been parasailing before?" Sam asks.

"Uh yeah, in Bali," she says.

Burn, Sam.

"Could you see yourself living in Melbourne?" he asks.

"Yeah, I've lived in Mexico, so..." she says.


Then she shows off the new Spanish language pack she installed the night before by burbling "habla espanol" and asking how to get to the train station.

"She's travelled the world, she's lived in Mexico, she speaks fluent Spanish!" Sam gushes.

If only she'd been around for this, she would have been really impressed.

Sensing her flirtation software is producing the desired effect, the Heatherbot doubles down the best way she knows how - by literally describing Sam's eyes.

"You've got the colour, then there's the black, and then there's another colour around that," she says.

Wow, colour AND black?

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion, Nina is continuing to react calmly and reasonably to the news that she has yet again failed to receive a single date.

"I'M PRETTY PISSED OFF," she roars.

Actual still from show.

"It feels like something that was meant to be yours has been taken by someone who's been here for a whole two seconds," says Banana, grabbing a giant spoon and sticking it into the pot in front of her.

"I can't imagine how it would feel to be on your end," says Heather, helping Banana with her spoon.

"If the Heatherbot 3000 comes back with a rose today that's basically him saying 'I want to meet your parents, I want to meet your family'," says Sarah, putting another spoon into the pot just in case the first spoon wasn't big enough.

"That would mean that the connection between them is INSANELY strong," says Banana.

"Yeah, epic," says Heather.

"HUGE," says Sarah, as Nina runs screaming from the patio.

Jeez what's gotten her so upset?

Meanwhile, back on the robo-date, Sam and the Heatherbot have finished parasailing and saying the word "Mexico" and have headed off for lunch inside a north shore homewares store.

"Oy was roolly exoyted for what oy had in store for 'er," says Sam.

Yeah. He probably shouldn't be.

Actually it's a sushi restaurant, and raw fish isn't the only exciting surprise awaiting the Heatherbot; Sam has arranged for [insert name of mildly famous recording artist here] to perform especially for them!

"Who is he again?"
"I dunno, just smile and nod."

"I could hear the music before I could see where it was coming from," marvels the Heatherbot, neatly summing up the differing physics of sound and lightwaves.

"The Heatherbot just got this look in her eye and I could feel her soften a little," says Sam.

Soften? She looks like she's melting.

Realising that not a single drop of champagne or piece of cheese has been consumed in this episode so far, the producers ditch a bottle of Moet at Sam and force him to pour them both a pint.

We then experience a glitch in the matrix as Sam and the Heatherbot do literally every single thing they did on last week's date.

Feeding each other with chopsticks:


Sharing their fascinating philosophies on attraction:

Cool story, tell it again.

And talking endlessly about how comfortable they are with each other. Then he gives her a rose.

Honestly, it's all so bloody boring I wish that singer would come back and launch into some Metallica.

But hark, what's that? It's the sound of the Heatherbot's hard drive whirring. She hasn't been this excited since she installed Windows 10. Could it be...?


Back at the Shag Mansion the bachelorettes are busy preparing for their upcoming opening night performance of Mary Poppins in which the Heatherbot 3000 is playing Mary's carpet bag...

You won't believe how much you can pack in it.

...Rachel is this cow:

The resemblance is uncanny, I think you'll agree.

...and Heather is the homeless woman who feeds the pigeons.

"Tuppence a baaaag."

But their rehearsals are interrupted by the twice-weekly booze and tears festival known as "The Cocktail Party" so they all stop and listen to the Heatherbot blag on about how great her date with Sam was instead.

"And he arranged for [whoever that bloke was] to play for us!" she gushes.


Meanwhile can I just say it's nice to see Nina finally serving up a bit of glam, rather than that Chiko Roll chick look she gives most weeks.

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about.

Anyway the rest of the cocktail party is more boring than eating raw fish while listening to whoever that bloke was so let's skip and dive straight into...


* With the Heatherbot already in possession of a rose, the other five bachelorettes take up their positions on their docking stations and await final instructions from the mothership.

Shhh, don't wake them! They're regenerating.

* "For the five of you without a rose, I'm afraid tonight Sam has just four roses to give out," says Osher Gunsberg, who has stealthily wandered in from the catering tent in the hopes someone might give him a pay check.

Everyone turns and looks at the Heatherbot, whose CPU is so advanced she can add and subtract numbers in her head.

"It means one of you is going home, you sad excuses for humanity," she says.

* "Getting a rose tonight would mean not only are we good, but that he thinks there is something here that could develop into a really amazing relationship," sighs Heather.

Sure. Or it could mean "I am obliged to keep four of you for episodic purposes, and you happen to be one of them".

Anyway, Heather gets a rose.

Banana gets a rose.

We're down to two, and then...

He wipes his brows. He picks up a rose. He wipes his brow again and sighs.

Something tells me that sushi wasn't the freshest...

Sam has some tummy troubles
Posted by Petra Starke on Wednesday, September 9, 2015
The bum clutch on the way out was the real giveaway.

Nek minit:

And she didn't even eat any sushi!
(Although to be fair, I also feel like vomiting every time I watch this show)

While the women debate vomiting, Sam makes a mad dash for the loo but is intercepted by Osher, desperate to play the role of "caring host".

"Mate, I've got hot lava running down me leg and a turtle head this big, I can't bloody stop for a chinwag now!"

Fortunately Osher has some immodium on him from his long day spent in the catering tent, so Sam chugs the whole pack and, mudslide safely arrested, heads back to the loungeroom where a third rose has magically appeared.


Inner monologues, right to left: "Oh thank god!"
"Oh yes!"
"Is it time to open up the bar yet?"

Well that's it for now, time to go on and READ EPISODE 12! Or you can always go back and READ EPISODE 10 again?


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