Saturday, October 03, 2015

The Bachelorette Australia Episode Recap: Season 1, Episode 3

Day three at the Bro Bungalow, and now that David the international model has gone all the blokes are staging a mini Olympics to determine who is the alpha.
Obviously it's Sasha, which speaks volumes about the group as a whole.

"Sasha can be a man's name as well, OK? Can we stop talking about it now?"

Drawing on his many years coaching six year olds at Auskick (Cronulla chapter), Sasha rallies the blokes around for a pep talk.

"Oy jist wanna say something rool quick about the cocktail party," Sasha says, while Richie hands out the orange wedges.

"In moy opinion I thought it a bit embarrassing. 'Bro Code', in moy opinion, is a word for mutual respect. So we don't even need it."

TFW everyone decides the thing you invented is dumb.

"We just need to keep that mutual respect, and oy think last noyt that went out the door," Sasha says, as everyone nods sagely.

It went out the door, got in a limo and stared at a water bottle all the way home, in fact.

With everyone in agreement that the Bro Code is dumb, and Sasha voted in as their new dad, the blokes cheer and raise a toast, which is quickly ruined when Osher Gunsberg shows up.

"Hey guys I got here as fast as I could, what are you doing? Oh cool a toast? To what? Wait, let me get a glass of something... hang on... No seriously, guys... let me join in, hang on..."

"Inside this envelope is Sam's date and who she'd like to share it with," announces Osher.

"Oh so she's THAT kind of girl, eh? Kinky!"

His three point two seconds of work completed for this episode, Osher pisses off to the nearest quinoa cafe, leaving Drew to read out the single date card.

"The clue is 'let's start off on the right foot'," Drew reads.

"Oh, dancing!" thinks everyone with half a brain cell watching this show.

"CARS," shouts Davey.

"V8, maybe. Foot down. Something to do with driving, definitely."

Presented without comment.

It turns out the date is for Sasha, which is really inconvenient as he was planning on putting the lads through a drop punt workshop that afternoon, but he gets tizzied up anyway and goes to meet Sam in a brothel in the inner west.

"I know it's a bit low rent, but this was the only one open on a Tuesday morning, sorry."

No, sadly, it's not a western suburbs sex den (although: note to producers for 2016!).

It's actually a dance studio and Sam and Sasha are going to learn the tango.

"Wait, where are the V8s?"

Fortunately Sasha is wearing just the outfit for a dance lesson - denim shirt, jeans and sneakers. Just like Fred Astaire used to wear.

"This is a dance about passion, trust, intimacy and true connection," says the dance instructor.

"...and levitating hats. Levitating hats are integral."

"Eye contact is really important, a lot of skin on skin, and you're going to work up a sweat," the instructor continues, as his partner gets out massage oils and begins setting up a handycam in the corner.

"Wait, you did say 'tango', yeah?"

What follows is five minutes of Sam and Sasha awkwardly moving around a lounge room while a short Argentinian barks orders at them. In hindsight, a date in a brothel might have been more romantic.

Back at Blokesworld, with their alpha male gone for the day, all the men are gradually regressing to their feminine sides: Kayne is baking scones and Dave is arranging flowers, while Nearly Ben Lee is doing his best impression of the feminist poster girl.

So close.

Meanwhile, Alex is like:

"Dude, that's not how you feminist."

Also, BREAKING:

Alex is hot.

Suddenly in bursts Davey, who has just pulled himself together after four straight hours crying about the official dismantling of the Bro Code.

Unfortunately his fragile emotional state has caused him to mix up the dates in his calendar, and he's mistakenly dressed for the lads' "come as your favourite New Kid on the Block" party a week early:

Now he's hangin' tough.

The next group date card has arrived (I guess someone chucked it over the fence, or a pigeon dropped it in the yard or something, because Osher's still out shopping for activated almonds) so Nearly Ben Lee reads out the clue.

"'On this date, I want you to take the lead'," he reads.

"RACING!" yells someone.

"Yeah it's motorsport, competitive racing for sure," shouts another.

Seriously, you guys...

Back on Sam and Sasha's date things are getting serious, having already progressed to the "raspberry cordial" stage:

"I hope you don't mind sharing a glass - the budget couldn't stretch to two."

"Can I ask why you chose me for this date?" Sasha asks.

"I chose you because I can hardly look at you," says Sam, which, after "there was a big male part of me that just wanted to give her a big hug", is the most romantic thing anyone has said on this show so far.

Meanwhile:

"Don't look now, but I think that hat from the dance studio has followed us here..."

They talk and share stories about their families and generally have a really romantic time sitting on budget Bunnings garden furniture while drinking cordial out of plastic cups, and it's basically the best date anyone could organise for $7.50.

But the fun doesn't stop there, because then it's time to put their half hour of dance training into action, and do the tango!

"Ole, let's get into it," says Sasha, like a waiter at Crazy Gringo's All You Can Eat Mexican Buffet after he's just read out the specials.

SO. GRACEFUL.

The two manage to move awkwardly around the patio without once catching fire from a candle or falling into the pool, which is disappointing for everyone, and then they sit down for some more pointless conversation.

After discovering they were both raised by their step fathers, Sasha tells Sam he's been engaged before and she pulls this face:

"Oh great."

Meanwhile:

I guess that's one more thing they've got in common.

Things get even more romantic when Sam launches into a lengthy explanation of how Sasha can back out if he wants to and dump her at any time, and she'll be totally fine with it because hey no feelings we're all cool here right guys ha ha ha yeah awesome no worries!

But Sasha doesn't get up and leave, so Sam gives him a rose, and spends at least 17 minutes pretending she's having trouble pinning it to his shirt in the hopes that he will seize the moment and kiss her.

He doesn't.

Moving on to the group date, which in my recaps from now on I intend to refer to as "Sam's Sausage Sizzle", for obvious reasons.

This time everyone has gathered at a "rustic barn", so either they are going to milk cows, shear sheep, or recreate the season two ending of the The Walking Dead:

For dramatic purposes I hope it's the latter.

Everyone starts wondering what's in the barn (which is exactly how trouble started on The Walking Dead, FYI), but Drew is just happy to be somewhere with a 30 per cent increased chance of the presence of owls.

Meanwhile, may I introduce you to the 12th bachelor:

This hat!

Sadly it seems today's Sausage Sizzle won't involve any zombies, shooting or fiery death scenes as Sam announces they will all be doing a photo shoot with puppies.

Sadly these two puppies were deemed not photogenic enough for the challenge, and so were turned into epaulettes.

"And you'll all be going topless!" she declares, because charity or feminism or something.

"Can I leave my hat on?"

"I'm looking forward to getting naked!" shouts Richie, perhaps a little too enthusiastically for someone who has demonstrated a penchant for grabbing the other bachelors' bums.

Then Osher (who has quickly stopped in on the way to his ashtangayoga class) announces Sam has chosen a different dog for each bloke to pose with "that she says reminds her of you".

Here's Nearly Ben Lee's dog.


And Dave's dog.


And Davey's dog.

Pooches in hand, the bachelors start preparing themselves for their sexy topless photo shoot. Some do push ups, some practise poses in the mirror, and some just stand around and watch Tony:

Richie is THIS close to reaching out and grabbing his bum.

Meanwhile: HELLO TONY AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

So THAT'S why he's here.

DOG PHOTO SHOOT IN A NUTSHELL:

* Through an inconvenient bit of staging, Richie has to lie in his dog's piss. There's no joke there, I just thought that was great.

* Neither Dave nor his dog gives a single stuff about the other:

Both are thinking about bitches and bones.

* "Man, I hope I get a really macho, tough dog so I can show off my..."

"Oh."

Nearly Ben Lee gets assigned a fluffy white thing, does most disturbing recreation of American Gothic ever:

You think this is disturbing, wait until he starts recreating Goya.

* Not to be outdone in the "disturbing dog photo shoot" stakes, Davey takes a bath with a rottweiler:

Nothing weird about that.

* Meanwhile, this dog is never getting adopted ever:

Well done, Dave. Now Fido's headed for the needle.

The photo shoot concludes without any leg humping whatsoever (so congratulations to the boys for controlling themselves so well), and Michael the Not-eroo is named the winner. Or the best at posing. Or holding on to a dog lead, or whatever the hell.

So Sam and Michael go off to enjoy their prize - a 20 minute rest inside a fire hazard:

"Seriously, who left all these fucking candles burning? WE'RE IN A BARN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE."

"Blah blah blah heart on my sleeve," say Sam.

"Blah blah blah hat in the ring," says Michael.

"Blah blah blah put yourself out there," says Sam.

"Blah blah blah cards on the table," says Michael.

They have a sip of wine, some music plays, and thus ends the most boring conversation of all time.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc and we're back at the Dude Ranch where it's time for the blokes to stand around in suits and stare uncomfortably at each other, aka the cocktail party.

"So, anyone hoping Sam grabs them for a one-on-one?" Richie asks the room.

"What about me? Anyone hoping I grab them? On the bum? Happy to do it. Just let me know."

Suddenly Kayne reveals he has planned a special surprise to impress Sam.

Gee I hope it's as good as the last one.

"I've got a little trick up my sleeve to show off my creative side, and I think it's quite romantic," he says, whisking Sam away to a gazebo in the garden.

Gosh, what could it be? A love poem? Has he painted a portrait of her? Maybe he's going to sing her a song?

"So, how do you feel about rap?" he asks.

This is the face of a woman who has just realised she's about to be rapped at.

Yes, Kayne has taken a tip from 14 year old boys in the '90s the world over and has written Sam a rap.

"OK, er, shall I get up and rap it for you?" he says.

"Yes go for it!" says Sam.

Meanwhile, in lounge rooms across the country:

"GOD NO DON'T DO IT!"


"STOP MAN, STOP BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"


"Son, I'm only letting you watch this to show you what you should NEVER do."

"Yo, yo, yo, check it," he begins, and it's all downhill from here, with lines like "I'm very grateful for the roses and more group dates, I have more to offer so I'll grab the wine and you grab the plates" (well I suppose drinking wine from a plate is still better than drinking cordial from a plastic cup) and "I'll give you the hot tip, when I first saw you you made me bite my bottom lip".

It is basically the white version of this:

Just in case you thought an electrician wearing a shirt and tie reading a rap from a sheet of paper might be in any way impressive:

It's not.

But don't worry, I fixed it:

NOW YOU'RE TALKING, G.

Because Sam is lovely and polite and too fucking nice, she gives him a massive round of applause and says she loves it.

"Well that's me, I love doing random and spontaneous things," says Kayne, who literally spent three months writing that rap.

Not to be outdone for weirdest reveal of the night, suddenly Drew the owl fancier appears wearing a man bun:

Either Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has gotten to him, or he's mixed up the dates for the boys' upcoming "1980s businessman" themed fancy dress party.

Drew sits down with Sam and begins part two of his campaign to show how deeply in love with her he's fallen in just three days, because chicks totally dig that.

Meanwhile Sam gets out her phone, Googles "things girls say about men they would rather set fire to their own hair than have sex with" and reads out the top result: "Every time I'm with Drew my nurturing side comes out and I just want to protect him and make sure he's OK".

"Sure, yeah, cool," Drew says, still smiling.

Sensing she hasn't quite gotten through to him, Sam scrolls down and reads the next result: "You have such a beautiful soul, but my fear is that I'll hurt you".

"Great, yeah, awesome, smiles Drew.


"This bun's bought me two weeks, tops."

"I'm a little worried at how emotionally invested Drew is in me at such an early stage and I really need to figure out if I feel the same way," says Sam later, which roughly translates as:

Not gonna happen.

It's almost time to hand out the roses, but first - Sam has some unfinished business with Sasha.

"HOW MUCH CLEARER DO I NEED TO MAKE IT?"

"Er so I roolly enjoyed our date, er but oy hold things quite close to moy chest," he says.

"Can you hold me close to your chest please?"

"And oym really physically attracted to you, loyke, it's ridiculous," he laughs, as Sam rolls her eyes and starts to look vaguely annoyed.

"Well that's a good thing," she says, shaking her head.

"Yes, yes, it is always a good thing, yeah it's great," Sasha bumbles.

Hang on, what's that sound?

It's the sound of millions of viewers slapping their foreheads in unison.

"Er, shall I sit a bit closer to you? Should I, er..." burbles Sasha as Sam starts skolling her wine in desperation.

THIS IS FUCKING EXCRUCIATING.

"I sort of feel like in this situation you've got the control, you know, you've been on this side of the fence before and it's difficult, and er..." Sasha blurts as Sam stares unwaveringly into his eyes.

If looks could say "FUCKING KISS ME YOU MORON", this one would.

"Er and I... er... I just want to kiss you?" he says.

"FUCKING FINALLY," shrieks Sam before launching herself onto his face.

"No actually she says "You should", and he does, and thank fuck because one more minute of that and I might have flipped a table in frustration.

ABOUT BLOODY TIME.

Of course, this means I can do this for the first time this season:

If she doesn't get to double digits I'll be very disappointed.

"Well I guess we should go inside," says Sasha.

"Wait a minute," says Sam, who has just remembered that Blake might be watching.

Shut this thing down, Sasha's won.

But enough of all of this saliva swapping...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* "I'm hoping my rap is enough to get a rose," says Kayne, words which have never before been spoken in the history of the world.

* "If I was to go home tonight, I do feel as though my time would be cut short," says Richie, who is really smart.

* Meanwhile:

"Have you ever really listened to Huey Lewis though? I mean REALLY listened?"

* Meanwhile:

"Guys? I thought Yahoo Serious dress up night was tonight?"

* BREAKING NEWS: Alex is still hot.

Dim the lights, put on some John Legend and watch this. You're welcome.

* "Sounds like you all had fun on the group date this week, and Sasha really SWEPT SAM OFF HER FEET, WINK WINK," says Osher.

Shadier than a god damn umbrella.

* Michael gets a rose, Kayne gets a rose, Macklemore gets a rose, Nearly Ben Lee gets a rose, Alex gets a rose (der).

*Rose rose rose rose.

Finally it comes down to two - Drew the stage five clinger who may or may not also be a serial killer businessman from the '80s, and Tony.

Who the fuck is...

Oh that's right.

Take a wild guess what happens here.

That happens.

Bye Drew!

Reflecting back on Drew's time in the house, we recall his Pantene tresses, the surprise man bun, the refusal to jump off a cliffe, the too-deep-too-soon conversations and the unexplained owl (seriously, what the hell was that about?).

"Maybe I took myself out of the competition, I'm not sure," he muses as he's driving away in the limo of doom.

GEE, I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

That's it for this one - best move on and READ EPISODE FOUR.

Or you can always go back and READ EPISODE TWO again.



3 comments :

  1. Love, love, love these recaps!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Really, really clever and witty. It must take you HOURS! I'm a non-watcher but a fully signed up reader

    ReplyDelete