Sunday, October 11, 2015

The Bachelorette Australia Episode Recap: Season 1, Episode 5

We rejoin our blokes in the Shag Mansion rumpus room, where everyone is having a totally spontaneous and unscripted conversation about who might be getting the next date with Sam.

"I really wanna get that single date, that's the gold right there, that's the one you want to be on," says Richie, who is clearly going to get the next single date because editing.

Suddenly in barges Osher Gunsberg sporting the latest in picnic accessories from Harris Scarfe:

Only $21.99 - and comes with matching napkins!

"There's certainly a lot less of you now, isn't there?" says Osher, surveying the room.

You can tell that Alex (feminist, sex beast and grammar pedant) really wants to shout "FEWER" here but is too polite. 

"You guys are clearly here because you've made a great impression on Sam," continues Osher.

"Well, some of you anyway."

"Date card, blah blah blah, whatever," says Osher and chucks the envelope at Alex who instantly defies the laws of nature and becomes 60 per cent hotter by doing an impression of Sean Connery.

"'I like my martinis shaken not stirred'," he reads in a sexy Scottish brogue.

"My god, you're dreamy."

Alex reveals that not one but two men will be going on the date, which makes it the Bachelorette's first official threesome. Congratulations Sam!

"'Tonight you'll need to play your cards right for one single rose'," Alex reads from the card.

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" gasps Sasha, who has somehow failed to connect the concepts of James Bond and playing cards to work out that they will probably be dressing up like James Bond and playing cards.

Not that he has to worry about it, because it turns out the date is for Davey, the slightly annoying carpenter who spends every episode trying to convince Sam that he's not a ladies man even though she doesn't care, and Tony, the "airline cabin manager" who has literally done nothing of interest this entire series except take his shirt off that one time.

Not that I'm necessarily complaining about that.

"Only one of you is coming back," says Osher dramatically, but before he has a chance to explain what this might mean in terms of fatalities, the pager in his pocket starts vibrating to let him know his quinoa smoothie is ready at the vegan deli down the street, so he gives Alex a quick kiss and runs out the door.

Next minute, Davey and Tony have thrown on their best Peter Shearer and are riding in a boat.

Good to see Macklemore found a new job, BTW.

No one falls overboard and drowns, meaning Osher's prophecy is yet to come true, so the duo scoot over to a larger boat to meet Sam who greets them by shouting "HIIII GUYYYYS!" and giving them both a hug, just like a real Bond girl.

Sam pours some champagne and Davey asks for his to be "shaken, not stirred", impressing everyone with his superior knowledge of 007.

With their swanky suits and shaken up champagne there's only one thing left to do to complete the picture of Bond-esque luxury: a sharp game of cards on the deck.

But after a 10 minute argument which includes the sentences "No, a royal flush can be different colours!" and "What the hell is a straight?" it becomes apparent that no one actually knows how to play poker, so they all have to settle for a game of roulette - aka "rich people chocolate wheel".

"There's no skill to this you morons, just put some fucking chips down."

"I think we should make things interesting," says Sam, a sentence she fails to follow up with any suggestion of clothing removal and/or sexual activity, so her definition of "interesting" differs from mine.

"Davey is red, Tony is black, and whoever wins gets some private time with me," she says.

Given that there are only four people on the boat, and one of them is only interested in when his next smoke break is, I'd suggest pretty much all the time they have together is "private", but nevertheless the boys are excited at the prospect.

"Alright here we go guys," says the croupier who could not give less of a shit about this entire situation.

"OHHH IT'S BLACK I LOVE IT!" yells Sam as the ball comes to rest, high-fiving Tony like he's just won the meat tray.

And, in a sense...

The two walk out onto the deck, leaving Davey alone inside to play with his balls.


I mean the roulette ball.

Outside, Sam is making the most of her "private time" with Tony by politely listening to him bang on at length about how great he is.

"Blah blah blah here for the right reasons," says Tony.

"Blah blah blah genuine," says Tony.

"Blah blah blah heaps better than Davey," says Tony.

"I wonder if that croupier is single..."

"I really wanna get to know Sam and there's a part of me she hasn't seen yet," says Tony.

OK, we're listening...

Not picking up on Sam's yawning or looking at her watch, Tony continues reading out his emotional CV.

"I'm here to play on my strengths, and I guess my strength is my maturity," he says, while Sam swoons uncontrollably at the unbridled romanticism on display.

"He's just so MATURE!"

But the charm doesn't stop there, with Tony going on to declare "I'm a really affectionate guy, I'm always holding and touching" and then demonstrating it by awkwardly grabbing Sam like a drunk python trying to swallow a goat.

Nice attempt at going the grope Tony, but your execution was way off.

Unsurprisingly Sam isn't too upset when Davey jumps up from below decks and ruins the moment by loudly interrupting, slurring "SHORRY TONY BUT I'D KICK MYSHELF IF I DIDN'T SHPEAK TO SHAM TONIGHT!".

At this point it becomes quite obvious that everyone on this date is blind drunk.

"I knew we shouldn't have shaken that champagne."

Defeated mid-hug, Tony slinks away to discuss poor life choices with the croupier while Davey takes Sam up the poop deck. So to speak.

"OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING," says Sam as she rounds the corner and sees a black and white striped couch.

It's this ability to be so easily impressed that possibly explains why Davey is still here.

Sam tells Davey she's dated guys like him before, all cute and annoying and with a penchant for stupid hats, and it hasn't worked. Davey tells Sam he's not like them, particularly in the hat department - I mean, his aren't just stupid, they're totally moronic.

"I've had a problem with sticking up a wall before," Davey says, which doesn't bode well for his career as a carpenter, but Sam nevertheless seems impressed by the admission.

Then Davey goes deep.

"I haven't told you thish before but the thing that really got me involved with thish wash becaushe you were sho family orientated I know a lot of people can shay it but like to me my family ish everything and you are shtriving for love and ash much ash that ish it'sh one thing I'd shtrive for it'sh to find that and love with a girl and it'sh to settle down and create a family and I'm ready and ash immature ash I do come off shometimes and shilly I do want you to really know there'sh genuine behind me," he slurs.

"There's genuine behind you? What the fuck?"

"COCKTAIL TIME!" yells Tony who has just arrived with an armful of of bad ideas.

I'm sure this is contravening several boating regulations.

Suddenly it becomes clear that when Osher said one man wouldn't return from this date, he meant it was because they'd be going to the hospital for emergency stomach pumping.

Meanwhile back at the Dude Ranch Michael the Not-eroo is reading out the latest group date card, which Osher chucked over the fence on his way to buy more organic kale.

"'Falling in love is child's play'," he reads.

"Something to do with kids?" muses Sasha, demonstrating the superior intelligence of a man who owns several cars.

"We're going to have to tap into our immature side tomorrow," says Alex.

Meanwhile, Kayne is like:

"Maybe I can breakdance for her?"
Also: Alex continues to be hot.

Back on the Booze Boat, Sam, Davey and Tony have moved on to dinner which they are attempting to get through without falling asleep or spewing over the side.

"I thought I'd ashk you shome queshtionsh," Sam slurs, her eyes half closed, before pointing at Davey and mumbling "when are yoooou at your happiesht?"

"When I'm in love," Davey responds.

Thanks to approximately six pints of champagne, this response works for Sam.

"And what about you?" she asks Tony.

"Uh... I have to agree. When I'm in love," he says.


Then they all have a debate about what constitutes a "soul mate" which reminds me of every conversation I've had at a nightclub at 3am ever, and Sam announces she's going down on Tony.

Going down under with Tony.

Down below with Tony.

Whatever, they're going below deck for a conversation in front of an array of giant hourglasses.

Gee, I wonder if that could be a visual metaphor for something...

Nek minit:

Bye, Tony!

With Tony thrown overboard, Sam returns upstairs to give Davey his rose.

"Do I get a kiss on the cheek?" he asks, and as she goes to do so, ambushes her with a kiss on the lips before cracking up laughing.

Still, given the only other option was the bloke who tried to hug-grope her she didn't have much choice.

Thus ends the most anticlimactic "two on one" date in the history of threesomes.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day (or actually, probably several days later given Sam's hangover would have prevented her from moving further than the couch for at least 24 hours) and all the lads have rocked up in a suburban backyard to meet Sam and Osher for their group date.

"Hey Alex, what do you think of my cardigan?"


There are bunches of balloons everywhere, and colourful bunting strung up, and piles of toys and games on the ground.

"What do you think you're in for today?" asks Osher.

"Um... maybe a kids' party?" says Michael.

Yeah? What gave it away?

Sam explains that one day she wants to have children, which obviously means that today the boys are going to have to throw a birthday party for some random child whose parents don't care about privacy.

"Sorry, does anyone else think this is weird?"

Everyone immediately splits up and starts preparing to entertain the oncoming hordes of youth, each coming up with an idea crappier than the last.

Michael the Almost-eroo dresses up as a gladiator who has smashed his face into a caterpillar:

I don't know.

Richie transforms himself into Chupa Morta, a zombie Mexican pirate that huffs helium:

It is not clear what he plans to do with the children when they arrive, apart from maybe illegally farm them for organs.

Kayne sets up a pie throwing booth, which is ironic because that's what everyone has been wanting to do to him since they heard him rap:

"And THAT'S for rhyming 'way' with 'namaste'!"

And Alex puts on this hat:

Still would.

But no one compares to Dave, who invents "Shark Island", the most complicated game since that time I tried to play Monopoly drunk, using different sized matchsticks for money.

Note the hordes of children not troubling Dave.

"OK so there's a few islands, and you've gotta go from one island to the other island, and if I catch you you're going to get eaten up by a shark," Dave explains to one three-year-old girl, who looks like she'd have a better chance of understanding quantum theory.

Thirty seconds later.

Finally the party is over and it's time for Sam to pick a winner, and what a selection she has to choose from!

It's like the world's worst Brady Bunch.

Michael is declared the winner for being the person whose party game sucked the least, and is promptly whisked away to where Sam has been living: inside an optical illusion.

"No really, all the squares really are the same colour! I checked it in Photoshop."

Sadly Michael's outfit of ripped, capri cut acid wash jeans, Dunlop volleys, open necked white shirt and long cardigan is not an optical illusion, but real, actual clothes he chose to wear that day.

The duo make their way to the kitchen where Michael has been promised a hot meal.

Sadly for him, this turns out not to be a euphemism - it's literally a hot meal prepared by Sam.

Actually, it's not really even a meal - it's a toasted cheese sandwich, which is apparently all Sam knows how to cook because OMG modern girl LOL!

And then she burns it.


"Michael seemed pretty chuffed about my toasties, and it just shows that he enjoys the simple things in life like I do," Sam says.

No, it shows that he's polite, you berk.

Hey, remember how last week Michael bored us all to death with those "fact cards" about himself?

Well now Sam has made her own, for him!


So as not to break with tradition of sharing only the most mundane information about oneself, Sam's cards contain such fascinating facts as "my ideal date night would be take away Thai and red wine" and "I'm terrified of getting my heart broken again", not to mention "I used to have horrible teeth", which precipitates THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER about how she used to wear braces, and how Michael wore them too, and OMG YOU GUYS IS THIS THE BEST YOU CAN FUCKING DO FUCK YOU'RE BORING.

Actually the most enlightening thing we learn from these cards is that Sam doesn't know how to spell "embarrassed".

How embarrassing.

Just when I think I might pass out from the excitement of this segment, Michael reaches the final card which reads: "You can kiss me whenever you like".

Unfortunately he misreads it as "wherever".

"Come on, then. Off with those pants."

Luckily for Channel 10's censoring department Sam corrects him at the last second and they pash.

On the mouth.

She really needs to get a wriggle on with this.

Then she pins a rose on his lapel, and with his shirt open to the navel and leftover glitter from the kids' party sparkling in his hair, he looks like a Mills and Boon cover illustration.

Or Serbia's 2016 Eurovision entry. Either/or.

Oh, and then, because the producers want to prematurely age us all with a segment that apparently never ends, they pash again.

Does this make Michael the new favourite...?

Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc and we're back at the Bro Bungalow for the cocktail party, where Dave is showing his newest party trick: Darth Vader's Force-choke, which he learned from old Star Wars DVDs.

Usually you're supposed to do it on other people, but he's still learning.

Meanwhile, Michael apparently has so much confidence in his capri-jeans-and-cardigan outfit he's kept it on for the party.

"How is this not cocktail attire? I look like a cock, don't I?"

Sam takes Dave outside for the first private chat of the night and he immediately begins trying to make up for his terrible performance as a kids' birthday party entertainer. Because that is apparently an important skill to have when trying to woo a woman.

"At the group date I was just out of my comfort zone, but seriously if you give me my nieces and nephews, I am so good with them," Dave says.

Admit it, Dave. Even they would have hated Shark Island.

"Listen, I don't think 'Dave mustn't be good with kids because he can't handle 30 screaming children'," Sam reassures him, thus completely negating the supposed point of that entire segment.

"I wanna be here. I SO wanna be here. You have no idea how much I wanna be here," Dave says.

If only he could rap it to her.

Clearly nothing else of interest happens at the cocktail party because the rest of the segment is filled with flashback clips, mostly of Kayne rapping and falling over.

And looking like this, none of which bodes well for his continued involvement in this show.

But enough of all this nonsense, because...


* "Blah blah blah five men blah blah blah four roses," says Osher Gunsberg, who has just popped in on his way to a school reunion.

He was head boy. Not in the way you think, though.

* And then there's Sam, who has come dressed as a giant pineapple lolly on its way to a BDSM night:

"I can't actually believe I'm wearing this hideous thing... it doesn't even fit... is this a bad dream?"

* BREAKING NEWS: Alex is still hot.

He is squinting at you, trying to get inside your head and understand your deepest desires.

* Sam gives a rose to Sasha, the only person in the room wearing an outfit stupider than hers:

Velvet, leather, foil, a bustier that doesn't fit - we've got all bad fashion choices covered here, people.

* Dave gets a rose, and everyone's like:

But... Shark Island?

Alex gets the penultimate rose (der) and so it comes down to two: Richie the helium huffing Mexican zombie pirate, and Kayne the whitest rapper in the world who fell on his head in episode one, possibly not for the first time.

Gosh this is a tough one, I mean, it's just impossible to predict which of the two will be sent home, I mean it's just so close and...


"I didn't get a rose, Sam sent me away," Kayne raps as he pulls away in the limo of doom.

"So now I must leave, see ya later, namaste."


OK that's it, let's move on and READ EPISODE SIX.

Or you can always go back and READ EPISODE FOUR again.

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