Saturday, October 17, 2015

The Bachelorette Australia Episode Recap: Season 1, Episode 7

We rejoin our final five in the beautifully astro-turfed garden of the Dude Ranch where Sasha and Dave are punching each other, Alex and Michael are sitting on their big balls, and Richie is standing silently wondering how Dave is still here.




I love how they've helpfully provided the hashtag here, in case you want to tweet about this mind bendingly amazing scene.

Just as Alex is about to reveal how he stops his giant balls from deflating, in runs Osher Gunsberg, who was on his way to a yoga retreat until five minutes ago when he found out the boys were doing something without him.

"Hey guys what are you doing what's going on wait for me!"
"Just keep punching, pretend you haven't heard him."

Meanwhile:

MORE SHIRTLESS ALEX PLEASE AND THANKYOU.

"Blah blah blah two dates left blah blah blah rose ceremony blah blah blah one of you will be going home," says Osher, in what is a totally unnecessary explanation of what happens literally every single week. Honestly, they could just write this shit on a whiteboard and flash it up at the beginning of each episode, it'd be so much quicker.

"The idea that one of us is going to go home is a harsh one, particularly as it might be me," says Alex, who has obviously forgotten that Dave exists.

"ENVELOPE," says Osher, showing off the new word he learned yesterday.

Well done mate! Tomorrow we'll do words from the supermarket.

And yea, the power of the single date reveal is bestowed upon Richie, who doth take the prized envelope in both hands and doth raise it aloft, uttering the holy words: "WHODYATHINKSGARN?"

"You haven't had one yet, have you Michael?" says Sasha.

"Yeah but you haven't had one for a while either," says Michael.

"But you haven't had a single date though," says Sasha.

"Like, not even one. Single date. You haven't had one. Not one. I mean, you haven't had a single date at all, is what I'm saying."

"YEP ALRIGHT MATE I GET YOUR POINT THANKS."

And the tradition continues, as Michael is rejected once again for a single date in favour of Sasha. Fortunately Michael is used to rejection (see: Socceroos).

"The first emotion that comes to mind is not a lot of confidence," says Michael, who apparently doesn't know what emotions are.

"Can you find emotions at the post office? If not I probably don't know that word either, sorry."

Because this segment just isn't thrilling enough, Osher then reveals the group date.

"In just a few hours' time Sam will be turning up to the mansion for dinner," he says.

"Oh cool, nice."

"A dinner prepared entirely by you," he finishes.

"HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING WE'RE NOT WIZARDS."

Yes, all five bachelors are going to have to somehow pull a rabbit out of a hat and magically conjure up a dinner in just six hours.

I MEAN WHAT IS THIS, THE TASKS OF HERCULES?

Also: with the theme of this week's group date as "home cooked dinner", I think we can safely assume the budget for this episode went on the gym equipment.

"You guys are going to have to pull out all the stops, because for one of you..." says Osher.

"...this will be THE LAST SUPPER."

Classic Osher.

Stuck with the gargantuan task of cooking dinner for six people in just half a day, the boys start divvying up jobs.

Richie takes canapes (because frozen sausage rolls, hello), Dave takes entrees (because frozen sausage rolls, hello), Alex takes mains (of course he fucking does, he doesn't shy away from a challenge) and Sasha takes the cake. Literally.

"I'll do the mains with you Alex and er, I'll choose some wine," says Michael.

"Listen mate, we both know you've just pulled a total wuss move, but as long as Dave's here we're probably still fine so no hard feelings."

While Michael walks down to the nearest BWS for some goon, the others head into the kitchen and start doing random things with knives in an attempt to look like adult humans who know how to cook.

The least convincing is Richie, who starts hacking away at a sausage in a misguided attempt to make love heart shapes, prompting the memorable quote: "Do you know what you're doing with that chorizo?"

I think it's safe to say that no, he did not.

But it soon becomes clear that whether or not Richie knows what to do with his chorizo is the least of their problems, when they go to set the table and only have IKEA accessories to use.

Meanwhile, Sam is at home getting ready for a party vastly more glamorous than the one she's actually going to.

Seriously, trackie daks and a hoodie would have been fine.

Having finished cooking (apparently - I mean, it's not like we saw any of it, so maybe they've just ordered Dominos) the boys are also getting ready and....

Oh.

Oh my.

Sorry, I think I just need a minute.

OK so then...

No.

Sorry, I can't.

Just....

Hang on.

Theeeerrrre we go.

Right so it's finally dinner time, and Sam has turned up looking like some sort of Chinese dominatrix:

So either she knows something we don't, or the next 15 minutes are going to be NSFW.

"When I walked in and saw the dinner table I was so impressed," she gushes.

Yes, it truly is impressive how they managed to fuck up not only the folding of the name cards, but also the setting of the cutlery. 

"I thought it was really cute that they went to the effort," she smiles, clearly using a definition of "effort" of which I was previously unaware.

Presumably this is more along the lines of what she was expecting.

Richie hands out his haloumi, chorizo and wilted spinach blobs which not only look revolting but double as a conversational aid, in that they totally remove all chance of it.

"Mm... uhmm-oumm mmm... hmmm oouum."
Translation: These are shithouse.

Not to be outdone in the MasterCrap stakes, Dave serves up some prawn cocktails straight from the arse end of 1976, followed by Michael and Alex with their "poisson d'amour" - salmon decorated with rose petals.

"It was made with extra love," says Michael.

Well, that explains that sauce.

"I'm finding Sam quite hard to read at the moment," says Alex.

Funny, I'm not having that problem.

Meanwhile:

"Don't look now, but I think there's a decorative chicken on the table."

And finally there's Sasha, bringing up the rear with chocolate caramel brownies.

Which is coincidentally exactly what the last person who mistook Sam for a Chinese dominatrix asked her to do.

Faced with a plate of pudding made by an actual male human, Sam reaches for her Little Big Book of Things to Say in Response to Unstereotypical Gender Situations, turns to page 25 and reads: "NICE TO KNOW THAT A BOY CAN BAKE, HEY?"

Meanwhile, here's a summary of this episode so far in case you've missed it:

OMG A MAN SET A TABLE!

OMG A MAN COOKED SOME FOOD!

OMG A MAN MADE A CAKE!

OMG A MAN DID SOMETHING TOTALLY MUNDANE THAT ANY NORMAL HUMAN CAN DO!

The meal over (and wasn't it exciting? Glad they filmed it) the group moves on to a party game in which Sam must pick "fun facts" about the guys out of a bowl and try to guess who they pertain to.

"Hmm, this one says 'I LIKE DOGS', and 'dogs' is spelled wrong... Dave?"

The promise of this game being as boring as batshit is instantly fulfilled when Sam reads out the first "fun" fact - "I have no earlobes" - which apparently belongs to Alex.

Wait, Alex has no earlobes?

OH AS IF I CARE.

The next fun fact belongs to Dave, who reveals he knocked his front teeth out as a child.

God, the product placement in this show for Oral B is really getting out of hand.

Once again, this is a definition of "fun" of which I was previously unaware.

Also, why did Dave use that stupid fact when he could have used something much more interesting?

Like: "When I get nervous, I sometimes like to smell chickens".

"'My biggest fear is never finding my soul mate'," reads Sam from the next piece of paper.

Coming as this does after "I have no earlobes" and "I once had no teeth", this is rather awkward for all involved.

Naturally, it's from Michael.

Michael's hobbies include looking pensive, being intense and not being selected for the Socceroos.

"All I've ever wanted is to find my soul mate too," exclaims Sam, as if that's such a massive secret and she doesn't say it at least three times every god damn episode.

TLDR: Sam is once again impressed by a bloke for simply listening to shit she's said.

"Shit, now I need a new trick."

Meanwhile:

Even the chicken is doing better at this game than Dave.

"I thought this was supposed to be a light hearted game - fun facts, not sad facts," says Dave, as everyone ignores him and talks to the chicken instead.

Hey, this game isn't boring enough yet - let's hear Sam's fun fact!

"My biggest fear is that I'll fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back," says Sam, like a true 26-year-old.

Guys, seriously. That is her biggest fear. That she'll be rejected by a boy.

Oh seriously, just shut up.

And with that we call last drinks on dinner and move on to Sasha's single date, for which Sam has thoughtfully rented a hearse as a visual metaphor for what this show is currently doing to my will to live.

"It's really roomy in the back, wink wink."

It seems Sasha is into vintage cars and he's super impressed that Sam knows, because he apparently doesn't understand what producers do or how TV works.

Another of Sasha's passions is art (really? I mean, not to be rude but... really?) so Sam whisks him away to a studio where she triumphantly unveils a painting she has done especially for him.

"It's called 'You and Me'. What do you think?"

No, actually, they're going to create a new painting together which is going to be auctioned off for the Stroke Foundation because, as Sam explains: "I lost my stepdad to a stroke unexpectedly, so I like to give back and return the favour."

Meanwhile, at the Stroke Foundation:

"Uhhh that's OK Sam, we're fine! Really, thanks!"

But she can't be stopped, especially not once she's popped on her special Sportsgirl denim painting overalls, so she and Sasha get to work turning a nice white canvas into something that will raise at least $3.50 for the Stroke Foundation.

Wait, is this painting supposed to raise money for the Stroke Foundation or GIVE you a stroke?

But the true artistic high point of the date comes when Sasha gives Sam a dirty sanchez:

Well, if you're going to get to know someone...

...which is only compounded when she pashes him:

I believe this is what the kids call a "Double Dirty Sanchez".

Meanwhile:

At least half of these belong to Sasha, I think.

With the painting finished, the two finally stand back and admire their creation.

"I definitely think our artwork represents the chemistry that was in the room," Sam says.

If that's the chemistry that's in the room, let's hope no one lights a match.

Then because this show never ends it's time for Sam and Sasha to have a glass of wine and some cheese or some bloody crap, so they wipe the paint off themselves in an artistic way (ie: making sure to leave a cute spatter or two on the cheek) and wander off to another room.

"I just wanna chat with Sash and see if he's ready to let his guards down," says Sam.

Gee, I hope they'll cope with it OK.

To be honest I don't know what Sasha did with his guards, because the conversation that followed that statement was so bloody boring I fell half asleep watching it.

All I remember hearing was "blah blah footy blah blah step dad blah blah cards on the table". Or maybe I'm just remembering EVERY SINGLE DATE THAT HAS HAPPENED SO FAR THIS SERIES.

CHRIST, DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TALK ABOUT ANYTHING INTERESTING ON THIS SHOW?

Me right now.

"I always want to be myself, warts and all," Sam tells Sasha, adding: "Even though I don't have any warts. That's just a figure of speech."

Er, how dumb does she think he is?

OK, point taken.

"I just think your personality is infectious," she continues.

"Not like warts though. You don't have warts!"

"Ha ha ha no... no, of course I don't..."

Just in case you were in any doubt as to the bogan quotient of this date, Sasha then proclaims "Yeah yeah, oym smokin' what yer growin'", before cracking a tinny of JD and Coke and ripping out a few bars of Khe Sanh.

Sam is so impressed she hands Sasha a rose, which prompts him to sum up his feelings for her in the usual way: like a footy coach at half time.

"Oy think um, there's nothing more than oy want at this stage and, um, to be honest you're all oy want and here oy am," he says, before saying something about love being a game of two halves and going in hard and getting on the ball.

Well, there's nothing more romantic than footy talk.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music yada yada and we're back at the Shag Mansion for what is to be the final cocktail party. Yes, the final cocktail party.

This is such a joyful occasion, I actually made a special cocktail to commemorate it:

It's called the "Thank Fuck I Don't Have to Come Up With Jokes For This Boring Segment in Which No One Ever Says or Does Anything Anymore". It tastes like sadness.

All the lads are looking dapper, except for Dave, who was unfortunately the only one not to get the memo that tonight's "Come as your favourite registered sex offender" fancy dress theme had been cancelled.

It's a pity, because he totally nailed it.

Everyone is feeling nervous about the upcoming rose ceremony, and pondering just who will be sent home.

"There's only a few guys left, so it's got to be one of us," says Alex, showing the superior powers of deduction that made him one of the UK's top financial analysts.

Sorry, did Alex say something stupid? I didn't notice, I was distracted somehow.

Well, everyone except Dave, who is still preoccupied with the "fun facts" catastrophe of the previous night.

"I thought it was supposed to be 'fun' facts, and everybody was throwing in curveballs like being homeless and sleeping under the stars, or being soulmates," he mutters.

"I mean, if I'd known we were supposed to write something down that would make us seem attractive and witty or mysterious, instead of just some shit that happened to me as a child, I bloody would've!"

While Sam goes off for a chat on the verandah with Alex, Sasha takes Dave aside to give him some good advice.

Sorry, I mean terrible advice.

"You haven't grabbed Sam yet through this whole experience, do you think tonight you're just going to go up and grab her, mate?" he asks.

PSA: In general, it's not advisable for men to just "grab" women at parties.

"Oym telling you mate, she will roolly appreciate that," grins Sasha, who spent the best part of the afternoon sucking down Sam's saliva and so clearly sees Dave as less threatening than carpet fluff.

Somehow Dave doesn't pick up on this, or his obvious impending doom at the rose ceremony (come on, we all know it), and so immediately pounces on Sam the minute she walks back into the room.

Unfortunately it turns out he has nothing in particular to say to her, so he pretty much just rambles whatever words pop into his head while she stares at him like a cat trying to understand particle theory.

"So, what's your definition of a 'fun' fact, because..."

But finally, the final cocktail party is over, which means...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* All the blokes line up and stare straight ahead, saying nothing. The plate of roses sits there, saying nothing. Somehow, the producers fill three minutes of airtime with this. Credit where credit's due.

* Suddenly, in walks Osher:

CHECK HIM OUT, YOU GUYS!

* "Four of you. Three roses. Whatever," he says.

THERS ERS GERTERN TERNS.

* Everyone is conscious that receiving a rose tonight means Sam will get to visit their home towns and meet their families next week, so the stakes are high.

"Having that chance to take Sam home to Darwin would be great," says Dave.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"Darwin? Well that makes that decision easier."

Michael gets a rose.

Richie gets a rose.

And then there are just two: Alex the extremely hot UK banker who used to live in the Brazilian jungle and... Dave.

Still from long lost unreleased children's film "Pee Wee Herman and Daddy Warbucks Take Manhattan".

In a move that surprises absolutely no one with working eyes and ears, Sam gives the final rose to Alex, meaning it's time for Dave the plumber to get flushed.

And as he makes his way to the limo of doom, the final four bachelors watch and wave and think "How the hell did Dave get to episode seven?".

Meanwhile, on the podium, Sam contemplates the coming week:

"LORD JESUS HELP ME."

OK, let's wrap it on up and move it on out to READ EPISODE EIGHT.

And remember, you can always go back and READ EPISODE SIX again!



1 comment :

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