Monday, October 05, 2015

The Bachelorette Australia Episode Recap: Season 1, Episode 4

We rejoin our bachelors on the patio of the Dude Ranch, where they're all busy practising their acts for the evening's inaugural Bachelorette Talent Contest:

Sasha, Davey and Dave are doing a rendition of war time classic "Funny Old Ed, the Bloke with Three Heads".

And Alex is doing a premiere one-man performance simply titled "Hot Man Wears a Beanie".

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"I would have blitzed that damn talent contest."

Rehearsals are rudely interrupted when Osher Gunsberg bursts into the yard shouting "Guys, guys, don't forget about me and my magic act!"

"I've been working on this trick for weeks: watch me pull this envelope out of my bum!"

"Well they don't call it a 'date card' for nothing!"

Everyone ignores Osher until he gives up and goes away, as per tradition, and Macklemore reads out the date card.

"It says 'first date butterflies'," he reads.

"It could be flying - like how you get those butterflies when you dip?"

"Yeah. That's probably it."

"Extreme roller coasters? Jumping off things? A bad curry?" suggests Nearly Ben Lee.

Note to the producers: please hire this man as a consultant for 2016. The "bad curry" date needs to happen.

Hmm, yeah, sure.

Hey, here are some other things the date could be:

* Churning butter on the wing of a plane.
* Throwing butter out of a plane to see how far it can fly.
* Studying the anatomy of flies that have gotten stuck in butter.
* Flying a plane made of butter.
* A trip to a butterfly house.

Nah, that last one is ridiculous.

Still, whatever it is, it's going to involve Alex

Because, well...

Why the hell wouldn't it?

"I hope Alex's date is a trip to a pre-school of some description where they paint those one sided paintings on paper and they fold them together and they make butterflies and then that's it and he goes straight back home," says Sasha.

*Slow clap*

While Alex heads inside to attempt altering the laws of physics to see if it's even humanly possible to make himself look hotter for his date, we head over to the Bachelorette Pad where Sam is getting ready in the usual way:

By completely disinfecting her mouth with the full suite of Oral B products.

"Alex is completely different to any of the guys I've ever dated," she says as she sprays herself with something only available at Priceline.

Translation: Alex is 35.

Next thing you know Alex is rolling up to meet Sam in an aircraft hangar filled with vintage planes because... Butterflies? Tiger moths? What?


"I'm a bit of a thrill seeker and I love adrenalin and I hope you do too!" says Sam, before informing him they're going to be doing aviation stunts in century-old aircraft.

"Yeah... you don't happen to have any curry around instead?"

They each go up in separate planes and start doing tricks - flying upside down, diving and going loop the loop - while Alex makes noises vaguely reminiscent of Chewbacca from Star Wars suffering from a hangover.

Sadly, at no point does this happen to anyone:

The best segment ever aired on Australian morning television.

"There's something about Alex, I think he's actually quite sexy," says Sam, back on the ground.

She then goes on to point out other things she's noticed recently, such as rain being wet and chocolate being sweet.

Back at the Bro Bungalow, Dave has rocked up with a new date card fresh from Osher's butt.

"It's OK, I wiped it off this time."

Inside is a group date card with the clue "game on", prompting the bachelors to list every single game in the history of sports trying to guess what it is.

"Maybe a game of soccer?" says Dave.

"It could be ten pin bowling!" says Michael the Almost-eroo.

"Go karting!" says someone else which... I mean... go karting isn't even a game, dickheads.

"Footy! Basketball! Netball! Hockey! Golf! Volleyball! Cricket! Maybe it's a game of cricket? Could it be cricket? Hey guys, cricket?"

Meanwhile Sam and Alex have moved on to part two of their date, which appears to involve picnicking inside a Barbara Cartland novel:

Every man's dream!

"Here's to a beautiful day out in this beautiful setting with a beautiful girl," Alex says, pouring Sam a glass of champagne, and sorry BRB I've just melted all over the floor.


"We should take some time to get to know each other, so what would you like to know?" he asks Sam.

"Have you been everywhere? Or... anywhere?" Sam asks.

"Great first question."

Alex then reveals he grew up in the jungles of Borneo.


Sorry I'm just...

...digesting that piece of information.


Sorry! Gosh, I don't know where that came from. *Ahem*

Anyway, he also reveals he's lived all over the world, including Brazil, Texas and England, and Sam is understandably very impressed.

"I've travelled to London, and Vietnam and, er... South Africa," she says.

Yes, we remember.

"There are so many good things about Alex," Sam says later.

"He's mature, he's got his life together."

Translation: Alex is 35.

Then they both get inside a giant perspex box filled with butterflies while representatives from the RSPCA stand just out of shot making sure they don't crush them to death.

It is spectacularly unromantic, which is probably why when Alex goes to pash Sam she seizes up like it's her creepy uncle at Christmas lunch and keeps her lips tightly closed.


"Alex is very different to the types of guys I usually go for," Sam says.

Translation: Alex is 35.

Meanwhile, Sasha is back at the Dude Ranch like:

"Is there any point continuing this charade?"

But he's not the only one, as it seems all the bachelors have an opinion about whether Alex is right for Sam.

"I reckon he's too reserved, Sam needs someone with a bit more edge," says Davey.

"You know, someone with a cool name like 'Davey' who'd wear a crazy hat, for example."

Suddenly in walks Alex, tracking dead butterflies across the carpet.

"Did you get a pash?" asks Richie, eyeing off his bum.

"We had a kiss on the mouth," says Alex, which is technically true. But also a pretty massive lie.

"WEEEYYYYOOOHHAAAWWWOOOWWW!" yell the bachelors, because that's the Australian male way of saying "Congratulations on getting the first kiss".

Meanwhile, in the corner:

"Guess again, dickheads."

"Oy didn't tell the boys about moy kiss with Sam out of respect for her, but Alex did so that was just a choice he made and that's where we're different I guess," says Sasha, waving down at everyone from the moral high ground.

Then he grills Alex on his kiss, asking "are woy talkin' open mouth, are we talkin' use of the tongue?", and so promptly falls over the edge of the moral high ground and lands face first back into the mud.

"How long did you hold it for?" Sasha continues, before attempting to re-enact the kiss for verification purposes.

"Were your lips like this? What were hers doing? Where did you put your hands? Mate, this isn't weird, it's for science."

Slightly weirded out, everyone leaves Sasha silently puckering up in the kitchen with his eyes closed and goes to bed.

He is still there in the morning when it's time to leave for the group date, and Richie has to grab his bum to wake him up. (Well, I'm sure they could have just tapped him on the shoulder, but Richie insisted).

Next thing you know all the lads are at some indoor sports arena where Osher Gunsberg's hair is announcing they are to play a game of "extreme dodgeball".

How good of him to bring his own helmet.

"Oh no," says everyone.

"YESSSS!" shouts Davey the Slightly Annoying Carpenter.

Memo: if Davey is the only one excited about a particular activity, you should maybe consider not doing it.

"The winners will get some down time in an authentic Turkish bath with Sam,"says Osher, which I'm sure is not as awkward and weird a prize as it sounds.


"I really, really, really, really, REALLY wanna win," says Richie.

"Just think of all the bums I can grab in a Turkish bath!"

Meanwhile, it appears Kayne is not only terrible at both headstands and rapping, but is also the type of bloke who wears his sunglasses like this:

Three strikes, you're out.

They split into two teams and go off to "practice", otherwise known as "throwing balls at Davey":

They're not training, they just really hate Davey.

Finally they get into the arena and thus begins their "date", which consists of six and a half minutes of dodging balls being aggressively thrown in their faces, aka "A Night Out on Hindley Street".

Of course, it follows the usual group date rules as set out by the Bachelor/Bachelorette producers:

Seriously, what is that fucking music?

It is unequivocally the worst date ever. Even worse than the one where they all just queued up to jump off a cliff.

In the end Richie's team wins, so he, Nearly Ben Lee and Kayne head off for their afternoon at a "Turkish bath house", which I think is a fancy name for "some bathroom we found in the inner west that had cheap daily rates".

They all put on robes and sit around drinking champagne and it is absolutely not awkward or weird in any way whatsoever.

Apparently not a single person in the production team recognised this scenario as being the start of every amateur porn film ever made.

Apparently not a single person in the production team realised filming in a giant, tiled room would cause audio issues either (they've obviously got their A team on this gig) so any time someone says something it sounds like they're speaking from inside a tunnel underneath the ocean.

"At this point, Sam thought it would be a good idea to exfoliate," says Richie. (At least, I think he did. He may have been asking how to get out of that under sea tunnel).

Of course, what "exfoliation" means in this context is that Sam has to rub mud onto three men she hardly knows, and pretend to enjoy it.

"Oh wow this sure is sexy isn't it? Just look at those arms you've got. Yes siree, this is one hot date."

This is followed by what looks like scene two of that amateur porn movie they introduced just before:

Insert joke about "being a dirty girl" here.

"It was a romantic and intimate moment that I shared with another two blokes," says Richie, which I believe is the working title of the film.

Then Sam moves on to stage two of the "Try Not to Get a Boner on National TV" challenge, where she washes Nearly Ben Lee down with warm water while wearing a bikini:

"Please stay down, please stay down, please stay down..."

And gets intimate in a spa with Richie:

"No reason, but do you think we could turn the bubbles on, maybe...?"

Realising that the rose petals won't provide enough coverage, Richie tries to kill any potential romance by talking about his traumatic childhood.

"My parents divorced quite early, and it's quite hard for me to talk about it," he says.

"I can completely relate - my parents separated when I was three," Sam says.


Meanwhile, Kayne is sitting out in the lobby like:

"Am I supposed to wash this off now or what?"

With three boners successfully avoided, it's time to head back to the Shag Mansion for the weekly ill-fitting suit convention, otherwise known as the cocktail party.

First to pounce is Michael the Not-eroo, who gives Sam a really thoughtful hand-made present: a stack of "fun fact" cards all about him.

"Here's the first one: 'I am shit at making presents' - wow, they really are accurate!"

The cards contain such fascinating pieces of information as "My favourite numbers are 8, 4 and 11" and "My favourite meal to cook is mud crab with black bean sauce".

He probably could have left this one out, though.

Not to be outdone, Sasha presents Sam with a gift of his own:

A picture of the number four. 
Gee. That's... something.

Apparently four is Sam's lucky number (YOU HEAR THAT, MICHAEL? YOU COULD HAVE HAD AN IN THERE, YOU BERK) and Sasha has filled it with tiny icons that represent her, like a dollar sign ("because you're not materialistic"), a picture of INXS (her favourite band), and a stick-figure representation of her family.

"How do you know all of this?" she gasps.

"Because I listen when you talk," he says.

"Please, tell me more about this novel concept!"

Bowled over by Sasha's grand gesture of occasionally paying attention to her, Sam goes in for a pash...

...but makes a last minute left turn.

"You know, at the end of the day I don't think you should have to give her a gift to catch her attention," whinges Macklemore.

"I mean, what's wrong with my tactic of blending into the background and not saying anything ever? Why doesn't that work?"

And with that...


* Osher Gunsberg strides into the room with an empty platter, bends over and, one by one, pulls seven red roses out of his bum. His act has really come a long way in 24 hours.

"For the nine of you without roses, Sam only has seven roses here," he says.

"Dude, do you know what that means?"
"Yeah - she's shit at maths."

* Of course, we all know why they're getting rid of two blokes tonight.

Let's speed this up a bit, people.

* "I feel like I've said everything I wanted to say, and hopefully that's enough to show Sam I'm here for a legitimate reason," says Macklemore, who has literally said three things this entire season and none of them to Sam.


You know what I'm going to say.

* "I can really see myself with someone like Sam," says Nearly Ben Lee.

Which is nice, because no one else can.

* Sasha gets a rose. Michael gets a rose. Richie gets a rose. Tony gets a rose even though he literally did nothing this week. Rose rose rose.

Finally it's down to three: Davey the Slightly Annoying Carpenter, Nearly Ben Lee the Slightly Psychopathic Musician and Macklemore... the... blonde guy.

The least appealing selection since nanna ate all the caramellos out of the Quality Street box.

"Do I HAVE to pick someone?" Sam asks, winking at Sasha.

But then Osher nods solemnly and mutters something about "The Covenant of the Rose", so she sighs and says "Fine - Davey, I guess."

And so we say goodbye to Nearly Ben Lee, the oddball who was absolutely definitely not paid to be here, and Macklemore, who apparently really was on this show for four whole episodes. (I'm not sure I believe it, but it's hard to argue with photographic proof).

"It was a pleasure to meet you and I hope you find what you're looking for," says Macklemore, bringing his total number of words spoken to Sam up to 32. Well done, champ!

"I wish I could have had a one-on-one date with Sam, I don't think she got to see the real me," he says as he drives away in the limo of doom.

Sorry, who is this again?

That's it for this episode - best keep going and READ EPISODE FIVE! Or go back and READ EPISODE THREE again.

1 comment :

  1. LOL! Classic - this was more enjoyable than the episode!