Sunday, November 01, 2015

The Bachelorette Australia Episode Recap: Season 1, Episode 9

So I'm back from my fabulous beach holiday and, as some of you may have guessed from the relative silence around here in the last week, I had sort of planned to slip into the shadows and not actually finish this nonsense. But then a bunch of you were like "Awwww" and I started to feel guilty...

So for all three of you who still care about this shit: here we go...


We start off this episode with me still mourning the passing of Hot Alex:

Because COME ON.

Not Sam though, she's totes relaxo, chilling out on the beach playing with a stick like she normally does on Sundays, musing about who to bump off next (hint: as if it's not Richie).

"You understand me best, stick."

"At the end of this week I have to make a heart wrenching decision and decide which two guys are going to meet my family and who I can see a long lasting relationship with," she says.

"And also which one I'm going to kidnap for a huge ransom so I never have to work again."

Well, I guess that's one decision made.

As it turns out Sasha hasn't been kidnapped but is, in fact, en route to his date with Sam where he'll be forced to jump out of a plane, which is actually worse.

"I chose this date for Sasha because I know that his biggest fear in life is heights," trills Sam, as though she's not some kind of monster.

"And after our skydive we're going to drink poison and play with knives!"

"Hopefully it's just a helicopter ride or something..." says Sasha as the limo pulls into the airfield.

"Like... a nice, scenic... helicopter ride."

Yeah, probably.

"Hey Sash, today we're going sky diving!" bubbles Sam, as if she's not the worst person in the world.

"I have NEVER had to try this hard to get a chick into bed..."

While Sasha tries to determine the exact lengths he's willing to go to to have sex with Sam, she explains how jumping out of a plane isn't going to be the most traumatic thing he's ever done.

"I'll be there supporting you through it and holding your hand until we jump," she says, before adding "And then I'll let go because when you're falling 14,000 feet from a plane into the sweet embrace of certain death YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, BUDDY."

But because he's a true blue Aussie bloke and possible Anzac hero in a former life, Sasha bottles his fear, straps up and jumps in the plane, where he is quickly overwhelmed by the mysteries of flight.

"The plane just kept getting higher and higher and the things on the ground kept getting smaller and smaller!" he marvels.

"F**KIN MAGNETS? HOW DO THEY WORK?"

Also:

Could also be an Italian BMT.

TLDR: They both jump, they enjoy it, no one dies.

"I tell you what, it's a bit restrictive around the old fruit and veg innit?" Sasha says as he adjusts his harness.

Anyone for a smoothie?

As a reminder: Sasha almost had a nervous breakdown when asked to jump off a small cliff into a lake, so Sam should probably just marry him now.

But just as Sasha is examining his fruit basket for signs of wear and tear: DISASTER STRIKES!

"I feel like I'm going to throw up," says Sam, before collapsing to the ground.

Fortunately there's a bloke in a hat on scene to help her.

"It's OK love, I'm wearing a hat."

Her heart racing and blood pressure through the roof, it is determined that Sam's body hasn't coped all that well with the adrenalin rush of the sky dive.

Prescription: SASHA'S LOVIN'.

"Oh doctor, I think I'm going to need a REPEAT of this prescription."

Not going to lie, I sort of teared up over this. Dammit.

After Sam gets her breath back and Sasha replenishes his veg crisper drawer, the two wander off down the road to where Sam has promised "another surprise".

Ooh, will it be a raucous night at a cabaret show with dancing girls and cocktails?

Or a magical 10-course molecular gastronomy dinner with each dish more incredible than the last?

Or a splendid masked ball under the Sydney Harbour Bridge with French champagne flowing from fountains and ice skating dwarves serving caviar on their heads?

Oh right, it's wine and cheese on a sofa in the garden. Again. Cool.

"Look how many bloody flowers there are out here," says Sasha, except no one can hear him because his voice is muffled by petunias.

"Lots of flowers? What do you mean?"

Also, Sasha: HAVE YOU JUST REALISED THIS? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST NINE WEEKS? This show is the sole thing keeping half of Sydney's florists employed.

So anyway they open up some champagne, because that seems like a good thing to do after you've had a heart scare, and Sam decides to open up to Sasha about a concern she's been having.

"My biggest fear is that when all of this is over, it is just me," she says.

"And I don't have nice things."

Something tells me she won't have that problem for much longer.

Sasha assures Sam that her lack of modern homewares isn't a problem, and anyway has she been to K Mart lately because they have really nice stuff for cheap.

"Every toyme oy see you oy fall more and more in love with you," says Sasha.

"ORLY?"

Then they smash their lips together and sort of hold it, like they're trying to pose for a crappy Valentine's picture, but I guess it's kind of a pash, so:

Meanwhile by this point in The Bachelor Sam had only pashed six chicks so... Blimey.

Moving on to the next date, which is also taking place on an airfield because the producers had to hire it for the whole weekend.

Having failed to kill Sasha by throwing him out of a plane, Sam is trying again with Richie.

By taking him for a scenic helicopter ride.

"OH COME ON."

"Today I'm hoping that Richie gets caught up in the moment and just lets go," says Sam, so I'm looking forward to the scenes of him either ripping a champion fart or spewing out the window of the chopper.

Not content to rest on the sartorial laurels of his "hoodie and shorts" combo of last week, Richie has once again dressed to impress, showing up in costume as "homeless man from the bus station":

"Can I borrow a dollar?"

"I know you've never been to the snow, so today we'll be hitting the slopes!" Sam announces.

"BOOM SHAKA LAKA LET'S ROCK IT COOL BANANAS!" says Richie.

I'm not making that up for comedy, that's actually what he said.

Anyway they get in the chopper and fly off to some ski field somewhere, and Richie is very impressed.

"Oh my god, it's like nothing I've ever imagined!" he gasps.

BREAKING: Richie's imagination is not very active.

"Seeing Richie walk out in his snow gear, he's definitely the sexiest snow bunny I've ever seen," gushes Sam.

Given Richie appears to be wearing a giant Glad bag with gardening gloves, this is a very generous appraisal.

With the producers having blown this episode's budget on the airfield, Sam and Richie can't afford ski hire and so are restricted to running around outside the lodge like they're in a Zach Braff film.

"HA HA we're so wild and crazy and young!"
*The Shins plays*

After 10 minutes of awkwardly throwing snowballs pretending like she's having fun, Sam launches herself face-first onto Richie just for something to do.

Get it, girl.

Then they move onto the next thrilling part of the date: sitting on a sofa with wine and cheese:

Just for something different.

"So how did you enjoy your first day in the snow?" Sam asks, prompting Richie to launch into his best "Footy Coach At A Press Conference" impression.

"Sam I had so much fun today, and to come out here and enjoy this experience with you is just simply amazing, it's everything I imagined it would be and, look, I had so much fun with you today," he says.

"The drop punt on some of those snowballs wasn't as tight as I'd hoped, though."

"Thank you for embracing every single moment," Sam says, cryptically.

What does this mean? Is she trying to cue him to embrace her? Has she just run out of things to say?

"Oh too easy," says Richie, skolling his wine, so now we'll never know.

Then they have a lengthy and boring discussion about walls, and whether they're up or down, and if they're up how to take them down, and how they were built in the first place.

Meanwhile, watching at home, Davey the carpenter is like:

"If you wanted walls built you should have picked me."

Recognising the final rose ceremony is but hours away, Richie decides it's time to step up to the plate and show his feelings for Sam, and so launches into what will surely go down as one of history's most epic speeches:

"Yeah.OK. So, you know Sam, I I I I I do wanna open myself up to, um, the possibility of, of, uh, a future with yourself, and I... I... I guess for me it's, it's... it's one of those things, Sam, where you know, I... I... I'm not the best with, um... like... how I sort of express a lot of my feelings..."

"NO SHIT."

Just as Sam is beginning to slip into a boredom-induced coma Richie announces "actions, without doubt, for me speak louder than words", which might possibly make up for his parade of broken English if he then actually DID an action like, say, kiss her.

But he doesn't. He just keep blathering on.

"Look I know that you've got, like a really... really big decision to make, and this isn't... this isn't easy and you're right that I probably should open up a lot more and... and try and just, you know, let that happen and, and be open to love and you know I... I guess that's what I'm trying to do and what I'm trying to say," he continues.

"Please god, make it stop."

"You know, I am falling in yooouuuaahhi," he concludes, which I think is what happens when you go to say "I'm falling in love with you" and then think better of it so you just make the sound of a vomiting cat.

I was so inspired by this heart rending speech I've turned it into a printable motivational poster which I am now selling on Etsy for $15.99.

First there was "I have a dream". Now there's "I am falling in yooouuuaahhi".

Despite the fact that Richie has just spent 15 minutes saying literally nothing at all, Sam seems very impressed, congratulating him for... something.

"I absolutely respect and appreciate the fact that you have been able to... yeah," says Sam, forgetting half way through her sentence what the hell they're both talking about, and beginning to wonder if life is still worth living.

"I just think you're absolutely amazing," Richie says.

"Thank you," says Sam.

"Thank you," says Richie, as the two of them turn back to their wine.

"Awesome," he says quietly.

They do not kiss.

This is the most romantic shot option the producers had for this entire scene.

Moving on to Sam's final date with Michael the Not-eroo, for which she has commandeered an armoured military boat to go fight Isis in the middle east:

"This date will prove whether you're willing to fight for my love!"

"Did you know my mum proposed to my dad?" says Michael, apropos of nothing.

"What a legend!" says Sam.

"Would you ever do it?" he asks.

"LOOK THE HARBOUR BRIDGE," says Sam.

You can't see where Michael's right hand is here, but Sam's face says it all.

Having realised the trip to Damascus will take several weeks, and that they only have enough sandwiches for the rest of the day, Sam and Michael decide to cancel their trip and go whale watching instead.

"Look out there - water!"

"Being able to be so close to this amazing animal, it's beautiful once you get up close," says Michael, adding: "And the whales are pretty good too."

It is worth noting at this point that Sam is ALL OVER Michael like a fat kid on cake on this date. She seriously can't keep her hands off him. It's like she's been poisoned, and the only antidote is in Michael's skin.

So this is hardly surprising:

GEE I WONDER IF RICHIE WILL BE GOING HOME TONIGHT JUST A THOUGHT.

"It was such fun whale watching with Michael today, and tonight I have one of the most amazing dinners planned," gushes Sam.

OK sure, let me just prepare myself for the inevitable "sofa randomly plonked in a garden with wine and cheese" set up tha...

Oh. OK. Well, this is actually kind of amazing.

Meanwhile, the next day at the Sydney Aquarium:

"No ma'am I can't book you a table, that was just for TV..."

They crack open the champagne, because even though it's been nine weeks neither of them have quite developed cirrhosis just yet, and they both sit back and marvel at the 360 degree seafood swimming around them.

"Look, there are two swordfish up there!" says Michael, pointing to the ceiling.

"Hey Reg, I can see down her top!"

(Also: that's not a swordfish.)

Anyway it's time for dinner and awkward conversation, so Sam asks Michael how she'd be able to fit into his high powered, jet-setting life if they wound up together.

"I'm at a point now in my life where I've achieved what I wanted to achieve," he says.

Weeellll...

"I am falling in love with you, make no mistake," he says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"So THAT'S how you pronounce it."

And then this happens:

Lucky they're surrounded by water right now because she is on FIRE!

"I've had three dates with three really amazing men, and I have no idea who I'm going to send home," Sam says.

"Except obviously I know it's Richie."

And with that...

IT'S ROSE TIME!

* With this episode's budget blown on airfield and boat hire, and the petty cash kitty spent on entry fees for the aquarium, Osher Gunsberg is forced to wear his old Year 11 formal suit to tonight's rose ceremony:

"Yeah it still fits! It looks fine!" - wardrobe assistant, five minutes before this shot

* Sasha, Richie and Michael are suited up in shades of crimson, black and navy:

Like the world's most emo traffic light.

* But their fashions are nothing compared to Sam, who waltzes in looking like some sort of gothic Muppet:

Well, this is one way of controlling Sydney's pigeon population.

* "I'm certainly falling for Sam, I'm completely smitten by her," says Richie, adding: "I think I told her all of that?"

No, not really mate.

* And Richie dude, while we're at it: you're up against two suave professionals here. Maybe try occasionally not looking like a walking Lynx advertisement?

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE JUST COMBED IT?

Sasha is so nervous, he lets a cheeky one out:

Fortunately it's an SBD, and everyone assumes Richie did it.

* But then Sam catches a whiff and recognises the source immediately:

"I remember that smell from inside the plane..."

* Impressed by the pungency of his output, Sam gives the first rose to Sasha, leaving Michael and Richie to duke it out for the final rose.

"So, who can rip one out better than that?" Sam challenges.

*Brrrrt*.

"My god that's strong."

Richie gives it his best shot, but surprises everyone by being the only one not able to crack some brown thunder and so sadly, Sam's decision is made: Michael gets the final rose.

Richie's journey of love over, it's time for him to ride away in the limo of doom, but not before giving Sam one final warm message to remember him by:

*Brrrt*.

"Bloody hell that's spicy."

OMG, you know what that means?

It's time for... THE FINALE! GO AND READ THE FINALE!

Or go back and READ EPISODE EIGHT.



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