Sunday, November 01, 2015

The Bachelorette Australia Episode Recap: Season 1, FINALE

You know how in The Bachelor season one they went to Thailand for the big finale episode?

And in season two they went to South Africa?

And in season three they... well, let's maybe forget season three.

But here we are at the finale of The Bachelorette and the tradition of exotic locations has continued because here Sam is in....
New Zealand.

Just check out the excitement on her face.

."I work all year on this god damn bikini body and they send me to fucking AUCKLAND?"

Sadly Michael isn't there yet, because he's too busy starring in a commercial for Air New Zealand:

"Would you like me to warm your buns for you?"

And Sasha also absent, because he's too busy working on the music video for his new acoustic guitar cover of Air Supply's "I'm All Out of Love":

It's coming along beautifully.

"Sasha and Michael have both told me that they're falling in love with me, which is amazing, but neither of them has told me they're IN love with me," says Sam, who is totally chill and not demanding at all.

"And neither of them has so much as promised me a partridge in a pear tree either, for fuck's sake."

"My biggest fear coming into this was that I would..." begins Sam, opening the door for a fun Bland Canyon multiple choice quiz.

Can you finish Sam's sentence? "My biggest fear coming into this was that I would..."

A) "...spontaneously combust and accidentally burn down the Shag Mansion";

B) "...get drunk and pash someone gross on national television";

C) "...embarrass myself and my entire family"; or

C) "...fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back, yes, you've said this a million fucking times, we get it, we get it CHRIST WE GET IT."

Meanwhile: I wish my biggest fear was some bloke rejecting me instead of like, being involved in a terrible car crash and losing both my legs, or being jailed for a crime I didn't commit, or having all my money stolen and my house repossessed...

"I just cannot afford to have my heart broken again," says Sam, who is 26.

Me RN.

Just then Sam's sister and brothers rock up to help her work out which bloke to choose.

Although, based on prior evidence, I'm not sure they're the best ones to ask.


First into the interview room is Michael, who explains that he's here to "make a three-way connection" with Sam and her sister.

Not sure that came out quite the way you planned, bud.

"Coming on this show I was a skeptic, thinking 'what are the chances there's this one girl they've picked out and she's going to be someone who I really fall for?'. And as time went by and I got to know Sam, this skeptic over here slowly became a believer," Michael says.

Wow. Solid sales pitch. Let's see how it's working for him.




Sam's sister is especially unimpressed, telling him: "You seem like a smooth talker. You say all the right things. You seem too perfect."


But then he makes some really good points like "No I'm not" and she changes her mind, so he's allowed to leave without the customary 20 lashes.

"So how did you go with my sister?" Sam asks him later.

"Well she was really rude to my face and I just sucked it up and pretended like it was fine, so I guess I think she's a bit of a cow but she likes me? I dunno."

Moving on to Sasha, who immediately impresses Sam's family with his Kenny Everett impression:

"Always in the best POSSIBLE taste!"

But Sam's sister is having none of it, jumping straight in with her bitch act again, asking: "Did you come on the show to find love or to build a profile?"

"Profile? Oy don't even have a profile on Facebook," he says.

"When this is done, oym garn straight back to building. And maybe doing the odd Kenny Everett show at the local RSL."


Sam's sister is so enthusiastic about Sasha it's all she can do to stop herself leaping out of her seat to call the florist for their wedding - but she does have one concern.

"Neither of the guys has said they love you, and I would like for you to find out now, before it gets to the end," she says.

She's right, obviously. I mean, Sam has known both of these blokes for what, 22 hours, collectively? That's ample time for them to work their shit out. STEP UP, BOYS.

Moving on to day two and Sam's final date with Michael, which appears to be taking place inside a 1970s horror film:

Wait until she shows him the super romantic basement!

Yes, it's just 100 per cent pure romance in New Zealand:

I hope NZ Tourism were prepared for the onslaught of loved up couples calling to book their honeymoons after this episode aired.

Cut to Sam, standing on the edge of a jetty looking thoughtful, the mists swirling around her. You can't hear it but I bet a wolf is howling somewhere in the distance.

"One of my biggest fears is falling in love with someone who doesn't love me back," says Sam for what, the FIVE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME?

Meanwhile if I were standing here, my biggest fear would be a lot more immediate.

"I'm really hoping Michael is going to put all his cards on the table because I have a huge decision to make and I need to know exactly how he's feeling," says Sam.

Meanwhile, one episode ago:


Anyway Michael shows up without a deck of cards OR a table (bad luck, Sam) but she decides to press on with the date anyway, so off they go in a helicopter to fly over Rotorua.

"Gee Sam, I'm happy to just have a coffee in a coffee shop with you, but to go on a date like this is awesome," says Michael.

Meanwhile, in the producers' room:

"Seriously, why are we spending so much money on helicopters? For season 2 let's just have them meet in coffee shops."

Having unsuccessfully tried to murder Sasha in last week's episode by throwing him out of a plane, Sam tries again with Michael by strapping him to a raft and pushing him over a waterfall:

"MU-AHHAHAHAHAH oh wait... I'm in here too. Shit."

But Michael survives, and Sam is super impressed.

Probably also because he looks so cool.

As a reward, she takes him to a thermal hot spring where she cracks a bottle of booze and starts getting him pissed in the hopes he'll finally say the L word.

After half a bottle and a few awkward conversations about steam, Michael finally caves.

"Sam Frost, I do love you," he says.


Suddenly a loud siren blares, pyrotechnics burst out of the bridge behind them and confetti starts falling from the sky as dancing girls bearing fruit waltz out from behind the trees and dogs wearing sequinned ponchos walking on their hind legs parade along the banks of the spring, while Sam yells "THAT'S THE MAGIC WORD!".

And then:

We're definitely making it to 20, right?


If this really was a horror movie the scene after this one would be brutal.

Meanwhile, I'm fairly sure that the shot of the pumping geyser immediately following their pash was not an editing mistake. Slow clap, Bachelorette producers.

Moving on to day 3, and Sasha is in the back of a car practising his "pensive look" for his next music video:

"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you..."

"Sam's biggest fear is falling in love with someone who doesn't love her back," says Sasha, which is great because I was just thinking "Hey, what the fuck is Sam's biggest fear? Does anyone know? Has she ever fucking mentioned it?"

Fortunately Sasha's already told Sam he's in love with her, so that solves that problem. Show over, I guess.

But nooooo we still have to endure a boring final date with Sasha to make sure he's got his heart on his sleeve and his cards on the table and is in it for the right reasons etc, so he and Sam get on some old yacht and start buggering around with ropes and yard arms and shit.

"I was thinking about you last night, I couldn't sleep," says Sasha, as he takes Sam up the poop deck.

Sorry, up TO the poop deck.

"What were you thinking about?" she asks.

"Oh... I'll wait until we're on land, I wouldn't want to make you sick."

And then:


Next thing you know a seaplane has arrived to pick them up, which I can only assume means that at some point in the last 24 hours this happened in the producers' room:

"Hey guys, look what I found behind the couch!"

"For the next part of our date I've organised something really special," says Sam.

Oh wait, let me guess.


...a couch placed awkwardly in a garden with some wine and cheese!

And thus begins the "Tell Me You Love Me God Dammit" game volume two, in which Sam stares at Sasha until he submits to her will.


"But I..."


"Please don't hurt me again."

"For me, love is such a strong word and I'd never want to undermine the meaning of that word," Sasha says.

"But, given we don't have much time left..."

"I do love you?"

"Now, I know your biggest fear is..." he begins, before Sam shuts him up with her own lips.


Oh, also:


Actually they pash like, five million times, so:

This count may be slightly inaccurate.

Sunset, sunrise... and finally, it's the big day!

The day when Sam tells one bloke she's in love with him, and the other bloke that the last 10 weeks have been nothing but a farce, the pain of which he can relive in glorious technicolour and digital stereo sound when it gets broadcast on national TV about six months later.

Fortunately Sam knows the importance of such an occasion calls for pristine dental health:

"When you're about to dump someone on national TV: choose Oral B!"

Over on the other side of town, the blokes are also preparing themselves by standing on the balconies of their respective Travelodges and wondering whether or not to jump:

"But do I really want my obituary to say I died in Auckland?"

"I suppose I could just leave a bad Tripadvisor review..."

Her teeth freshly whitened and enriched with the power of fluoride, Sam trips off to a magical meadow in the middle of New Zealand, home to the only gum tree in the world that flowers wisteria blossoms:

And only from its bottom two branches. 
Even when it's dead.

No wonder Peter Jackson filmed Lord of the Rings here, it's literally fantastical.

"I've developed feelings for both Michael and Sasha, but at the end of the day I have to let someone go," Sam says, as the limo of doom starts pulling up the driveway.

"This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do," she continues, as the limo drives up to the top of the hill.

"It's one of the most horrible feelings knowing that you are going to break someone's heart," she sighs, as the limo door opens and...

"HEY GUYS! Why's everyone looking so gloomy?"

Poor Michael has no idea he's about to walk to his doom.

Not even Osher Gunsberg can give him a hint, mainly because Osher isn't there: he refused to fly Air New Zealand when he found out they didn't have an organically sustainable vegan menu.

Still, the Real Doll they got to fill in for him is rather good.

Oh god, Michael.

Can't you hear the sad violins?



But down the hill he goes, where Sam gives him a long and boring speech about how he's beautiful and amazing with a wonderful heart and yada yada, but all you need to know is that it finishes with her making this face:

Unless, maybe she's saying she loves him so much it physically hurts?
Hint: She's not.

"It's OK, someone's gotta get hurt, that's how this works," says Michael. before saddling up his horse and riding off into the sunset.

No, actually, he doesn't do that. What he does do is turn around and trudge back up the massive hill he just came down.

In dress shoes.

Past the tombstones of previous Bachelors who never made it.


Amazingly he gets to the top without needing a rest break or a water stop (lucky he's an athlete) and is immediately whisked away in the limo of doom one last time.

"I didn't even feel this gutted when the Socceroos turned me down."

But enough of this misery! Yo DJ, spin some uplifting music! You know, that jaunty violin shiz you've been playing all season. Track two on the "Royalty Free Violin Music" CD, right after "Track 1: Sad Violins for a Break-Up".

Sasha is here, and it's time for some romance!

But first, that hill:


Finally it's time for Sam to declare her love for Sasha, so she clears her throat to begin the big romantic speech she's been practising for weeks.

"Ahem," she begins.

"Cough cough," she continues.

"Ahem. Hmm. Cough cough. Sigh. Mmm. Ahem. Cough."

"What the fuck is this, an ad for Benadryl?"

But finally she spits it out (almost literally, actually).

"I was so scared to put myself out there and I had moments where I thought I was never going to find the right person for me, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't find someone who truly loved me as much as I loved them," she says.

"In fact, have I mentioned my greatest fear is..."


"And then I realised I've been waiting my whole life to meet you," she says, as the music swells.

"I feel so blessed that you're here," she continues.

"And I feel so happy," she says.

"And I..."



Come on...!


"I truly do love you," says Sasha.

And so obviously this:

Well, that's a solid number to end on.

As Sam and Sasha swap saliva for one last time on national television, the camera tilts up and into the sky, leaving the two lovers underneath the mysterious dead wisteria gum tree with the rest of their lives ahead of them...

Oh, and a fucking massive hill.


(If you can't cope with this loss, you can always go back and READ EPISODE NINE again)


  1. Did you also notice how much Sam was bopping up and down on her heels while giving her bumbling speech to Sasha? (Oh and thanks for finishing the series out, you're a champion)

  2. Thanks for your recaps, you never fail to make me laugh! Keep up the great work!

  3. YAY! Thanks for finishing off the recaps, I was eagerly awaiting and much relieved when I saw it had arrived :) Thank you for recapping so well and putting yourself through the 'experience' of viewing so I didn't have to!