Monday, April 11, 2016

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 8, Episode 5

Having just said goodbye to Naysha Lopez and the moulting chipmunk she called a hairdo, all the queens have gathered in the Werk Room to witness Chi Chi apologise for her "under-bus-throwing" demonstration on the last runway.

"Ahhhm sawwrry Dirrick, it wuz jist me being a bitch, ahhm sawwrry," she drawls.

"Yeah. It WAS you being a bitch," says Derrick, which I guess is how people accept apologies in Las Vegas.

Actually I guess it's better than the other way apologies are accepted in Vegas...

"Well it's my second week in the bottom three," laments Derrick, in what appears to be a formal invitation to everyone else to tell her how great she is and how the judges are being unfair.

The invitation gets lost in the mail.

"I was in shock that it was not you lip syncing,"slags Naomi.

"Well Chris Stein said I could impersonate Debbie Harry and they'd take me out on tour," protests Derrick.

This portrait, entitled "Girl, no" (c. 2016), depicts four people trying to hold their tongues.

"They may have been on drugs, I want a drug test," says Bob.

Well that would certainly explain this.

Meanwhile Acid Betty who's only half been paying attention, shrieks "Oh shit, they're doing drug tests now?" and runs out of the room.

Even though she spent most of the last musical challenge wailing like a dying cat that got its head stuck in a fence, Derrick is outraged at the suggestion that the only way Debbie Harry could have enjoyed her performance is through the use of illicit drugs, and attacks Bob for talking too much.

"Oh so you do side shady comments and it's fine, but when I do it it's not right?" says Bob.

"I don't see that I do that," says Derrick, as the film crew wheels in another lighting rig to counteract the natural shade she's throwing off.

When Derrick says she's never shady.

And just like the bullet that killed Franz Ferdinand, so this stray piece of shade begins a bloody war the likes of which will be spoken about in reverent tones for centuries to come. Minstrels will compose ballads about it, writers will pen epic poems hailing its heroes, and artists will create giant tapestries depicting its gory scenes of queen-on-queen brutalisation.

Yea, the Battle of Bob and Derrick has begun!

Of course, the only way to properly catalogue this war of words and determine a winner is by implementing the international shade measurement standard of Latrice Royales.

And thus:

Forgetting that whole thing she said 30 seconds ago about not being shady, Derrick fires the first shot with: "Hey Bob, if I wanna do ratchet drag next week can you give me any tips?"

Not bad, not bad at all.

"If you wanna do MEMORABLE drag next week I can give you some tips," says Bob.

A1 shade. Points off Derrick who walked straight into it.

"So all I need to do is not wear a wig and I'll be told by the judges that I'm pretty?" says Derrick.

I THINK that was supposed to be shade but... it sort of ended up being self-shade?

"What I said wasn't meant to hurt your feelings, but you're trying to be spiteful - do you see the difference?" asks Bob.

"Your intentions weren't to hurt me?" says Derrick.

"If I wanted to hurt you you'd be crying right now, bitch," says Bob.

Round two to Bob.

Derrick thinks for a second to come up with a truly devastating line, raises her eyebrows and blurts: "I WILL NEVER CRY...

...OVER...

...YOU.

...

AT ALL."

Yeah, nah.

"Don't give me a challenge," retorts Bob, which in battle terms is sort of like when America dropped that bomb on Hiroshima.

GAME, SET, MATCH BOB.

Faced with cleaning up the pile of rubble that Derrick has become, Kim Chi picks up Thorgy and starts using her dreadlocks like a mop while Louisiana native Chi Chi retreats the corner with Katrina related PTSD flashbacks. Suddenly a sharp, twisted cry rings out across the Werk Room, sending everyone scattering under the tables in fear of another Bob shade-raid.

"My god, this place is such a CIRCUS!" screams the pile of bricks that is Derrick.

Zing!

Fortunately for everyone though it's just the sound of the non gender specific and A-sexual mail arriving, followed by this:

Rick-rack's back, alright!

"For this week's maxi challenge we're going to drive along the Hollywood freeway looking for fresh roadkill, and you'll need to transform their furry little pelts into couture," announces RuPaul.

"But I've already done that today."


"Ditto."

"Ditto."

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Damn, I would have had this challenge stitched up."

Sadly, as magnificent as this challenge would be (seriously, can you imagine Robbie Turner covered in dead squirrels? She might finally get some air time dressed like that), it's all just a big joke because actually, the real challenge this week is...

THE SNATCH GAME!

Aka the one where everyone impersonates celebrities not very well and isn't ever really funny and why is this always the most anticipated episode of the season it's never actually that good.

Robbie Turner announces she'll be doing former queen of Vogue, Diana Vreeland.

"Do you think that's a touch obscure?" asks Bob.

"Pfft, not at all," scoffs Robbie.

Meanwhile, at home:

"Who's Diana Vreeland?"
"Forget her, who's that guy talking to Bob?"

Naomi announces she's going to be doing Whoopi Goldberg from The Colour Purple.

Sure. A poor, downtrodden woman who is raped by her father, beaten and raped by her husband, has her children taken away, is forced to separate from her sister and is generally fucked over by the entire world. That sounds... funny.

Fortunately Bob is on hand to scupper the idea by announcing she too is going to do Whoopi Goldberg, from Sister Act.

Drag is a bad habit.

Kim Chi announces she's thinking of doing either Pearl from Drag Race season seven, or "Kimmy Jong Un", a drag dictator from North Korea that she just made up.

"There's a message written up here on the brim of my hat, what does it sa... Oh it says THOSE ARE BAD IDEAS."

Meanwhile:

"No wait, Derrick, didn't you hear? We're not doing the roadkill thing anymore."

Derrick tells RuPaul she's not going to do the one celebrity she's internationally renowned for impersonating, instead opting for some viral video comedy character called "Shocantelle Brown".

I'd never heard of Shocantelle before this episode, but from the videos I've seen she appears to be a racist parody of a black "ghetto" girl performed by a blonde, white actress. So, basically perfect for Derrick.

"She's a black girl trapped in a white girl's body," beams Derrick, hoping this might mean she can at last get that elusive "soul" she's been trying so hard to find.

When someone thinks a "black girl trapped in a white girl's body" is a funny comedic premise.

Derrick throws on a wig and shouts "HELLO RUPAUL I SHOCANTELLE YOU THAT I DO HAVE A PENIS!", in what is supposed to be a demonstration of her comedic talents but comes out a bit more like "schizophrenic at the bus stop".

"You know... sometimes the most OBVIOUS thing... is the thing to do," says RuPaul, which is just about the nicest possible way of saying "that act sucks, do Britney, bitch".

Meanwhile, Thorgy is busy preparing her character: Michael Jackson.

Wait, do you hear that? It's the sound of absolutely no one objecting to someone playing a man for Snatch Game. How nice.

"I'm going to be busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox trying to win this challenge!" she gasps, which I assumed was absolutely not an expression until I googled it. America, you are weird. (PS: Busier than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest is a much better expression. You're welcome.)

RuPaul tells her she overthinks things and advises "don't take it into your head", which I'm pretty sure is the opposite of what Michael Jackson used to do but anyway, good luck Thorgy.

As if the Snatch Game isn't enough celebrity impersonation related excitement for one episode, RuPaul then announces the runway theme will be: MADONNA.

"Madonna has so many iconic looks, I can't wait to see what everybody comes up with!" says Chi Chi.

Yes. Madonna really does have so many iconic looks. SO. FUCKING MANY. There are literally hundreds to choose from. HUNDREDS. Just thought I'd mention that.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... aaaaaand:

IT'S SNATCH GAME TIME!

* Joining us as celebrity guest judges are models Gigi Hadid (but hadid what? We may never know) and Chanel Iman, who sounds like she got her name from a "What's Your Fashion Week Runway Name?" internet meme generator.

* Acid Betty attempts Nancy Grace, ends up more like "mildly aggressive Year 9 substitute economics teacher circa 1995":

Thank god she's got that name plate there or we'd have NFI.

* Robbie Turner does Diana Vreeland, no one can tell if it's accurate or not:

Who?

* Jeez, Pearl is looking so different these days:

Is it a new lip colour, maybe?

* Wow, I love Magnolia Crawford's new hair colour:

Nose contouring still on point.

* Naomi tries to impress by coming as the entire city of New York:

But fails for not showing her twin towers.

* Chi Chi shows up as Eartha Kit, slays it:

Even though she does look a bit like Kennedy Davenport in those Las Vegas commercials.

* Derrick finally gets off the psychotopic drugs, decides to do Britney Spears instead of a racist YouTube character:

And you have to admit, she kinda nails it.

* Although can I just remind everyone: TATIANNA SEASON TWO.


Still kind of the best.

* Bob comes as Uzo Aduba, star of "Orange is the New Black", an emotional drama series about a woman in an abusive relationship with her own finger:

It is a harrowing watch.

* "There's a new dating app for drag queens," says RuPaul.

"When you join, the first question they ask is 'how big is your BLANK'?"

Solid answer.


Less solid answer.

* Not wanting to be outdone in the missed comedy opportunity-athon unfolding around her, Naomi answers "clock" and then proceeds to firebomb every obvious joke lead thrown her way.

"Drag queens love a big-ass clock, don't they!" laughs RuPaul.

Naomi nods.

"Do YOU like big clocks?" asks RuPaul.

Naomi nods again.

"I said CLOCK, not COCK, you moron. Jeez, thanks for ruining my joke."

* Bob does some shit.

* "The big bad wolf is a drag queen. Instead of huffing and puffing and blowing, she BLANKS the house down," says RuPaul.

"I used to work for Vogue," says Robbie Turner, in a super subtle way of reminding everyone who the hell she's supposed to be.

"But I hear that 'vogue' now means a dance, so I say she 'VOGUES the house down'."

And it's a hearty welcome back to the official Bland Canyon tumbleweed, making its first appearance this season!

* Still, Robbie is only marginally worse than Chi Chi, who seems to think Eartha Kitt actually WAS a cat.

She'll be back in a minute, she's just checking on her pussy.

* "Good girls gone bad! Yeah yeah yeah yeah," shouts Derrick Barry for no apparent reason, doing a Britney style shimmy in her seat.

"You should do that ONE MORE TIME," says Bob.

So Derrick does.

"What? I don't get it?"

* Bob does some more shit.

* "Lady Bunny doesn't hang her rainbow flag out the window to celebrate pride, instead she dangles her BLANK," says RuPaul.

"Her blanket!" says Thorgy, flinging a fake baby off the edge of the desk in what is a reference to an incident that happened 14 years ago.

"HA HA! As someone who was 12 in 2002 I sure do understand that reference!"


"Ha ha I was seven who even is Michael Jackson?"

* Then Thorgy says "sha-MONA" and I wonder if she even knows who Michael Jackson is.

* Bob goes off, gets changed, comes back as a drunk Uzo Aduba pretending to be Mike Tyson impersonating Carol Channing:

Carol "sham" would be more accurate.

* Meanwhile, speaking of season two's Snatch Game being superior:

Pandora Boxx had Carol Channing down.

* "Sally is so lactose intolerant, when the photographer says 'cheese' she BLANKS," says RuPaul.

"She sneezes!" says Chanel Iman, who is so thin there is no room in her body for a working sense of humour.

Still:

"Sneezes" was funnier.

* Realising no one has said or done a single funny thing in the last 10 minutes, RuPaul yells "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" and this happens:

When in doubt, add Charo.

Meanwhile:

"Who the fuck?"
"I dunno, just smile like you understand what's going on or they won't pay us."

I'm going to let Kim Chi sum up this episode so far:

That's about right.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and we're back in the Werk Room where everyone is busy preparing for the big "Night of 100 Madonnas" runway.

100 Madonnas.

Like, a hundred of them.

Just pointing that out for no real reason.

Just thought it was pertinent.

"As I'm pulling out my Madonna kimono, I notice Thorgy also has a kimono," says Kim Chi.

TFW you think there are only going to be TWO kimonos in the runway show...

Over at the makeup mirrors, Thorgy and Acid Betty are discussing the limitations of the New York drag scene.

"Performers are always put in these boxes," laments Thorgy.

Yeah, lucky that never happens on this show.

Meanwhile:

"I WILL NEVER COME OUT IN A BOX ABSOLUTELY NOT."

Suddenly Thorgy declares her main ambition is to conduct a 40 piece orchestra in full drag, revealing she is a professional violinist and cellist who "has played at Carnegie Hall many times".

Parents, keep this in mind when considering violin lessons for your child. Even a career at Carnegie Hall can lead to drag.

Not to be outdone in the "reveal amazing things about your life" stakes, Naomi announces she is adopted by white parents.

"Did you ever feel a need to like, study up on black stuff?" Bob asks her.

"OMG DID YOU FIND OUT HOW TO GET SOUL?"

But enough of all these shenanigans...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In honour of tonight's Madonna theme, RuPaul strides out on the catwalk looking...

...absolutely nothing like her, Cool. You do you, Ru.

* Despite being a huge Madonna fan, Michelle Visage also bucks the theme by dressing as an accountant trying on his wife's lingerie for kicks:

In Michelle's dreams, the rest of that super reads "adonna".

* Carson Kressley comes dressed as a tribute to rare 1980s Madonna B-side "Your Auntie's Curtains (Really Draw Us Together)":

A little obscure, but true fans will spot it.

* Gigi Hadid and Chanel Iman are still there, so they obviously haven't found the exit yet.

* First up is Thorgy wearing a kimono, channeling Madonna's "Nothing Really Matters" video:

She looks so unique!

* And then there's Kim Chi wearing another kimono, channeling Madonna's "Paradise" video:

She looks so unique!

* And then there's Derrick Barry wearing... oh FFS.

I couldn't come up with a more appropriate caption for this if I tried.

* Moving on to Naomi Smalls, who is...

OK, you know Madonna wore OTHER things in that video, right?

* Next up is Acid Betty, who thought about wearing a kimono but then went "how about I dress like a woman giving birth to a flock of birds instead?":

She's got such a flighty personality.

Apparently this look is from Madonna's "Bedtime Story" video. 

I guess we should just be thankful she didn't do this one.

* Then there's Robbie Turner, who has come as Madonna from the movie "A League of Their Own":

Or in other words: "generic 1940s lady baseballer because I already owned this outfit".

* OH FUCKING FINALLY.

It's a bit "alfoil and pantyhose" but I'll take it.

* Next is Bob, who unfortunately misheard "Madonna" as "scout's honour":

Dib dib dib, Bob Bob Bob.

* RuPaul takes one look at all the kimonos and realises she'll have to pardon Kim Chi or risk looking racist, so she sends her and Chi Chi back to the green room to enjoy a special Madonna themed cocktail: ionised water with a red kabbala string tied around the glass.

* "Tonight on the stage there's a lot of kimonos, which is very interesting," says Michelle, which is funny because I was just thinking the exact opposite.

* Everyone raves about Thorgy's Michael Jackson in the Snatch Game, with Gigi Hadid enthusing "You kept character better than anyone!"

"DO YOU EVEN WATCH ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK?"

* Everyone agrees Acid Betty's Nancy Grace was the worst thing ever seen on Snatch Game, even counting the time Kenya Michaels made Beyonce look like an extra from the Jersey Shore.

"I wasn't sure how to turn such a serious woman funny," laments Acid.

Gosh, if only she had been able to choose someone funny, like, I dunno, ANYONE IN THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD SHE WANTED TO.

* Carson does a quick impression of how Acid should have done Nancy Grace, and it is better than the entire Snatch Game.

* La Visage tells Robbie Turner she should have gone bigger with Diana Vreeland because she wasn't funny enough.

Hmm, I'm with Robbie. I mean, how do you make THIS funny?

* "Punk took my voice away," rasps Robbie, like she's auditioning for a Quit commercial.

"My voice kept cracking, and I was going in and out doing Diana Vreeland," she continues.

And what about your personality, Robbie? DID YOUR PERSONALITY KEEP GOING IN AND OUT TOO?

* Michelle tells Naomi she's sick of seeing her in lingerie, a sentence neither Chanel nor Gigi has ever heard before.

* "I once asked Iman what was on her mind when she was on the runway, and she looked me dead in the eyes and said 'Africa'," says RuPaul, as everyone wonders whether she's taken too much or not enough of her daily medication.

"I don't remember saying that ha ha I'm funny!"

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Kerry's Kimonos in Talahassee, Florida.

Picture of Kerry at work after this episode.

Bob is crowned the night's winner for being the only one to not totally suck at both Snatch Game and looking sort of like Madonna, and receives a slew of glittering prizes including a box of aspirin (home brand), a copy of Manila Luzon's latest single and VIP tickets to see Madonna! (On her 1990 Blonde Ambition Tour).

Derrick, Thorgy and Robbie are sent back to the safe zone to compare kimonos, leaving Naomi "It's Not Lingerie It's A Kimon... OK It's Lingerie" Smalls and Acid "I'm The Only One Who Wore Something Creative Give Me A Fucking Break" Betty to duke it out in a Madonna themed lip sync.

I can't wait to hear what song they've chosen! Will it be Vogue? Express Yourself? Holiday? Oh there are SO many Madonna hits to choose from! Papa Don't Preach! Ray of Light! Like A Prayer! Maybe it'll be Erotica? Like A Virgin! Material Girl!

Oh. Huh.

And so Acid and Naomi begin their lip sync to the only Madonna song the producers could afford the rights to (well it was either this or Bitch I'm Madonna, so count your blessings).

It takes approximately 2.5 seconds for Betty to start regretting her choice of costume, being that she has a fitball strapped to her stomach and fake birds sticking out of her crotch. Sadly at no point does she rip it open and release a flock of live doves, because CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW GOOD THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN? I mean, animal cruelty, probably, but whatever.

Naomi however does rip her costume open, to reveal her lingerie:

Because when the judges have specifically told you they're sick of seeing you in lingerie, that seems like a sound decision.

Suddenly Betty drops to the floor, clutching her pregnant stomach - MAYBE SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH TO LIVE DOVES?

But no, she just rolls around a bit looking tortured.

First rule of drag: Never take off your wig unless you're wearing another wig underneath.
Second rule of drag: Never pretend to give birth on the runway unless you're actually going to pull something out of your crotch.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"What an amateur."

In the end Acid Betty's miscarriage is no match for Naomi Smalls' undercarriage, and she is told to sashay away.

Well.

I guess that means RuPaul just...

...DROPPED ACID.

Well that's it for this episode! Time to go on and READ EPISODE SIX! Or go back and READ EPISODE FOUR again. (Go on, it helps my Google rankings.)



19 comments :

  1. GO HOME AND STAY HOME, DERRICK!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You really hate him that much? If his arse is sent home this week at least we've finally had a glimpse of his Britney.

      Oh wait, there are glimpses every fricken week!! That dude is no Chad that's for sure.

      Delete
    2. I second that!

      Delete
  2. Yahh for this recap!! Is it sad that I love them so much? It probably is, don't answer that, lol!!
    Hoping things are better. Thanks for yet another awesome recap.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Iman joke was hilarioooooooussssssssssssssssssssssssss. Love it

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is the Madonna look Michelle was going for--

    http://cache3.asset-cache.net/gc/148483479-madonna-performs-during-her-mdna-tour-at-gettyimages.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=GkZZ8bf5zL1ZiijUmxa7QU%2Bdgr4CvfiEwcE7uSoeb4HNBbic6pgapzPdQtmm526uZ5ez63rmRZXV4qKjEWCfmQ%3D%3D

    ReplyDelete
  5. Camilo from Brazil: I don't know why the heck I wrote 'Camilo from Brazil', but it seemed like the right thing to do. FOR GOD SAKES: I found this through Reddit and it is the most laughable moment of my YEAR! I swear to god, you're so damn funny!!! It had me rolling while reading it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is my least favourite of your reviews, but I guess you were inspired by the worst Snatch Game ever. I know you'll be back on top form next week. PS. I thought Chi Chi was funny.

    ReplyDelete
  7. PS. I just read about your family problems. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  8. they've already had a lip synch for your life to madonna's vogue before that was in season 4's snatch game

    ReplyDelete
  9. Where the heck has the Pit Crew been this whole season??

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is my least favourite of your comments. I imagine that putting together these recaps take a LOT of time and you aren't paying for it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha! Yes, I felt similarly.

      Delete
    2. Damn right! You do an amazing job. I look forward to reading your recap each week like a crazy person.

      Delete
  11. SUPER HILARIOUS
    a small comment: the Iman ruru was referring to should be the Canadian super-unfamous-model Iman Abdulmajid who hosted Project Runway Canada because no one else cares about that country.

    Therefore, completely vindicating your point that Chanel Iman generated her stupid name, akin to Gucci Heidi or Gisele YSL (at least this one rhymes)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know dear, that was the gag. :) But I think you need to read your herstory: Iman is a hugely famous supermodel, not just the host of Project Runway Canada...

      Delete
    2. omg, super unfamous model? Someone doesn't know their herstory!! The shame!!

      Delete
  12. anxiously waiting for the next recap (ep 6) to check if you grew to dislike Thorgy as much as I did.
    I love ChiChi all the way!
    and your recaps are amazing

    ReplyDelete