So we're back in the Werk Room again after saying goodbye to... who was it that left last episode? The one with the wigs that looked like they'd been staple-gunned to her head. What was her name? Oh well, never mind. She's gone now so no one cares, least of all Derrick Barry, who thinks everything is about her anyway.
"This has been such a rocky road for me, I know there's at least three queens in the room that wanna see me go home," she whimpers.
Meanwhile, in living rooms across the world:
On the other side of the Werk table Thorgy is still seething about Chi Chi not using her time wisely enough in the Wizard of Oz challenge, because apparently she is Chi Chi's mother.
"I will never forget that she wasted our time yesterday," Thorgy froths, even though it was actually Chi Chi's time that Chi Chi wasted, and none of it had any impact on Thorgy at all.
SHOT OF WIGS!
SHOT OF RANDOM JEWELLERY!
SHOT OF SOME SPONSOR NAME WITH ZERO EXPLANATION RENDERING WHATEVER MONEY SPONSOR MAY HAVE PAID OBJECTIVELY WORTHLESS!
All the queens strut into the Werk Room ready to show how funny and fabulous they are, but just as they're about to open their mouths the RuPaul Mail siren goes off making sure no one says anything interesting at all, because that's how good television is made.
Looks like it's going to be one of THOSE episodes, so I'm introducing a drinking game.
Take a drink every time someone makes a reference to something:
1) No one under the age of 30 would understand,
2) No one who isn't a Drag Race geek would understand.
Suddenly there's a deep rumbling noise beneath the floor boards, and everything in the Werk Room begins to tremble and shake, like Naomi Smalls when she's forced to eat carbohydrates.
Everyone grabs onto Kim Chi, the sturdiest object in the room, as Derrick suffers a minor mental breakdown, launching into a lengthy, tear-filled monologue about how difficult everything has been for her and how she's trying to get out of her Britney box but she knows the "I'm A Slave 4 U" dance...
"Oops, I did it again!" she sighs.
Just as Bob is about to hit her baby one more time, the door at the top of the stairs bursts open to reveal RuPaul, who has gotten lost on his way to a "Come as your favourite 1950s movie star if they had been a 1970s pimp" fancy dress party.
"America's next drag superstar needs to use her intuition to make important decisions in the blink of a false eyelash," says pimp Doris Day.
"Liquid eyeliner beansprouts in a catamaran across the Andes," she continues.
"Chicken candelabra ringing me up every Tuesday I can't stand it where's the windscreen?" says RuPaul Doris.
I'm not exactly sure what happened next because I was a bit distracted for some reason, but all the underwear models ended up in a bunk bed together so I think maybe it was an IKEA furniture assembly challenge.
Derrick Barry wins for being the only queen to distinguish a Philips head from a flathead (her ex boyfriend was called Philip so she's an expert) and as her prize receives an awkward smile from an uncomfortable stranger:
Back to pimp Doris Day to announce the week's main challenge: creating an election campaign advertisement to become Drag President of the USA!
Everyone is thrilled.
"You'll be put in pairs, and you'll need to both promote yourself and smear your opponent," says RuPaul, before reading out a stupid hashtag that absolutely no one will use #thesedontwork.
"I've polled the judges to figure out who's your number one political adversary," he continues, before demonstrating how little the judges know about Werk Room relationships by pairing Chi Chi and Thorgy, Bob and Derrick and Kim Chi with Naomi.
If anyone had actually been watching this show for the past seven weeks they might have realised pairing Thorgy with Bob and Derrick with Chi Chi would have made for better TV, but no, sure, go ahead.
Thorgy gets straight to work on her smear campaign against Chi Chi, immediately tearing through 30 pages of her notebook with witty burns and digs.
Oh this is gonna be so good, Thorgy is so funny, I can't wait to see what she's gonna...
"The ad can't be any longer than 45 seconds, shit," says Thorgy, who for some reason seems to think she has more than that of good material.
On the other side of the room Derrick and Bob are getting on like a house on fire, putting their mutual dislike for each other to good use in creating a double sided smear campaign.
"I'm obviously going to call you 'ratchet'," says Derrick.
"And I'm going to play on this idea that you're not smart and I'm really smart," says Bob.
Meanwhile it seems Thorgy is still on edge as every time Bob breathes, she cracks it, yelling at her to shut up from across the room.
"Every time Bob succeeds Thorgy comes for him. Thorgy really wants to beat Bob, I think that's her personal vendetta in this competition," says Naomi,
That's weird, because I seem to remember not two minutes ago...
FAIL, JUDGES. FAIL.
Having finished writing (well, Thorgy is still going on her fifth notebook, but all she's written in the last four are "all work and no play makes Thorgy a dull boy") (drink, probably), all the queens head over to the studio to meet La Visage and Carson Kressley and shoot their ads.
First up are Derrick and Bob, who claims to be going for a "Michelle Obama meets Hillary Clinton" look.
Derrick meanwhile has considered every presidential look from history only to settle on Julia Louis Dreyfuss from VEEP, in a windstorm:
Derrick begins her presidential performance, but it's all a bit tame.
"Nancy Grace it out a bit," says Carson.
Meanwhile, watching at home:
Next Derrick has to shoot her B roll, which she announces will be of Bob, wearing a hoodie, stealing money from the Pit Crew.
"Hope there's no Skittles involved," says Michelle.
"No Arizona Tea either," says Bob, and everyone laughs.
Let's all just drink a shot and pretend none of that actually happened, or that it got through a team of producers and a director and an entire editing suite and a censorship department to make it to national television, shall we?
Moving on to Bob's smear campaign, which is based around the notion that Derrick eats babies.
The idea might be lame (it is) but it does mean we get to see Derrick have blood splattered all over her face while wearing glittery underwear in what looks like the trailer for a new John Waters film:
BREAKING: Britney Spears announces plan to go death metal, releases new music video:
Moving along to Naomi Smalls, who has decided to use the occasion to pay respects to the late, great artist Prince by coming dressed as his iconic 1995 Esquire magazine cover:
Sadly she doesn't also emulate Prince's mastery of the microphone, stammering: "America's next drag president must sign up for speeches at... must speak at... fuck!".
Personally, I can't wait to see America's next drag president speak at fuck, so I hope Naomi wins.
Next up is Kim Chi who announces her smear campaign against Naomi will take the form of a "food metaphor".
This consists of her making jokes about how Naomi is fat, delivered in her trademark style - ie: like Siri trying out a stand-up comedy career.
Not to be outdone in the "terrible impression" stakes, Chi Chi DeVayne rocks up looking and sounding like John Wayne in fancy dress as the mum from Family Matters.
Unsurprisingly, this is not the performance the judges were hoping for.
La Visage tells her to drop the deep voice and use her Louisiana accent, sending Chi Chi into a spiral of self doubt.
"Where I'm from being 'country' is not the thing to be," she says.
And finally there's Thorgy Thor, who piles on so much ham her presidential campaign ad looks like a deli commercial.
Meanwhile, watching on the sidelines:
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room where all the queens are preparing for the runway, which this week has the theme: "black and white movie realness", aka "that thing Detox did at the season five finale".
Inspired by their campaign adverts, everyone starts talking about their political leanings, with Bob revealing she was arrested for blocking traffic during a pro marriage equality rally.
"It's very important to vote because politicians LITERALLY make very real and very important decisions for you," says Bob, demonstrating her wealth of knowledge on the subject.
Not to be outdone, Derrick decides to demonstrate her own political awareness by asking Kim Chi if she grew up in North or South Korea.
Somehow Kim Chi resists the urge to drag her through the floor and under the sea for this ridiculous question, perhaps because she is too busy trying to fix her liquid eyeliner:
But enough of all this because...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* For the third week running RuPaul demonstrates her total lack of interest in her own show by refusing to dress to the runway theme:
* Fortunately Michelle Visage is there to pick up the slack, saluting the week's sexual politics theme by wearing a natty penis-shaped hat:
* I literally have no idea who this is:
* And the winner of this week's Overacting Award goes to... GUEST JUDGE VIVICA A FOX, who keeps randomly shouting "STRANGÉ!", having obviously decided that quoting a 24-year-old Eddie Murphy movie is the best way to get memed on Twitter.
* "Tonight's runway is 'black and white realness'," announces RuPaul.
Hmm, that's funny, I could have sworn that earlier it was...
* First down the runway is Bob the Drag Queen, looking like no one from any black and white film ever made:
* "Er, I've based my look on the movie 'Freaks'," says Bob, reading from the card a producer has handed her.
* Detox, what do you think of this interpretation of your look?
* Next up is Derrick Barry as the star of cult black and white film "Basic Bitch Goes To The Mall":
But then she pulls off an unprecedented move: pulling down her dress to reveal an even less interesting dress!
Meanwhile, watching at home:
* Next is Naomi, looking utterly fabulous in what is apparently an homage to a look Raven did in season two:
* "My idea is a sad looking French clown," says Kim Chi, adding "...in a Sin City setting" after a producer points furiously at the teleprompter.
* Moving on to Thorgy Thor, who was apparently aiming for "Mae West meets Carrie Bradshaw" but has somehow ended up with "zombie Daryl Hannah"
* And finally it's OH MY GOD CHI CHI THANK GOD YOU'VE FINALLY ARRIVED:
* Then it's time for the election ads. First up is Bob, whose campaign appears to focus on a healthy exercise plan, showing her doing squats with the Pit Crew:
* Sadly, having apparently learned nothing from last week's runway, Bob once again allows herself to be overshadowed by people in better drag than her:
* "You did an excellent job. Strangé!" says Vivica A Fox.
* Next is Derrick's ad, which attempts to smear Bob by claiming she takes acid and goes to sex parties, as if that would be a BAD thing for the Drag President to do.
* Moving on to Naomi Smalls, who got confused about the assignment and mistakenly made a sexual health PSA about the dangers of swallowing:
* "Naomi Smalls says beauty is pain, BUT IS SHE AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER ACTIONS?" yells Kim Chi in her campaign ad.
* "America is a kitchen that needs a strong chef, and never trust a skinny cook," says Kim Chi, before going on to explain how Naomi is actually a "fat ass" so... I guess you can trust Naomi to cook the USA?
* "I don't think you're a big speaker," La Visage tells Kim Chi.
* Just when you think things couldn't possibly get worse, along comes Thorgy's ad, which is pretty much 30 seconds of Thorgy being as annoying as possible while trying to smear Chi Chi for handing out food to homeless people. It is about as successful as you can imagine.
* "There was no smear in that smear campaign," La Visage spits, to which Thorgy protests she had "too many ideas".
* In the most accurate shade of the season so far, Carson tells Thorgy she looks like "a dead Boy George":
* Moving on to Chi Chi, whose campaign is based on her pledge to "ensure every American has a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out".
It's a solid election promise, but sadly it looks less like a campaign ad and more like outtakes from new Tyler Perry film "Madea Gets A Job In Local Government".
* "You were rocking the Wanda-Sykes-As-Assistant-In-Monster-In-Law look," Carson tells Chi Chi, before graciously accepting the Best Shade Ever Twice In A Row award from a producer.
Meanwhile on the other end of the desk:
* Michelle Visage reiterates how difficult it was to get Chi Chi to act like herself, rather than a character, to which Chi Chi responds: "Where I come from it's damn hard to get out of the ghetto; I don't want to be ghetto!"
* "This is my sixth season doing this and I have never seen such a strong set of girls before," says Michelle.
* "There is not one of you that was terrible at all," she continues, in what is perhaps the least inspiring speech ever made.
* Reminder: this guy is still there:
* "BRING BACK MY GIRLS, MR GORBACHEV!" yells RuPaul.
The queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Rrivre Works Inc. "Rrivre Works - we don't know what the hell we do either".
Despite Naomi Smalls turning in the funniest campaign ad and looking the sickest on the runway, and her partner Kim Chi getting rave reviews for her outfit, Bob and Derrick are crowned joint winners of the week because, I dunno. No reason?
Both of them receive a slew of glittering prizes to share including a 20 per cent off voucher for Krispy Kreme (valid Tuesdays only at stores in Dakota), a signed photo of RuPaul:
...and a screensaver of Michelle Visage raising her eyebrow:
Just then RuPaul sends Naomi and Kim Chi back to the safe zone, leaving...
...no it can't be...
...NOT THORGY AND CHI CHI IN THE BOTTOM TWO!?!
Meanwhile, at the back of the stage:
Rather fittingly tonight's lip sync song is "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going", a heartbreakingly powerful torch song from the movie Dreamgirls about one woman's refusal to let her man leave her.
Unfortunately Thorgy seems to think it's a fun cabaret tune about closing time at the pub, punctuating her performance with lots of winks and smirks:
Meanwhile Chi Chi's on the other end of the runway like:
Having destroyed the entire studio with her laser fingers, Chi Chi turns her attention to destroying Thorgy, sticking her stiletto through her necklace and showering the runway in deadly Swarovski crystals:
The judges go wild!
Thorgy somehow manages not to stack it on Chi Chi's beads and even does a cartwheel - but her theatrics have come too late. She's told to sashay away.
"Witty catchphrase, you know what I mean?" says Thorgy as she dances off the stage to the sound of my miserable wailing.
We could all take a moment to reflect for the 500th time on why Derrick Barry continues to remain in this competition when truly interesting stars like Thorgy are told to sashay away, but instead let's all take a moment to remember the true villain of this season:
Well that's it for now. Go cry into some wigs, and then go on and READ EPISODE EIGHT. Or you can go and READ EPISODE SIX again. Whatever, nothing matters anymore.