As always we rejoin our queens in the Werk Room, where it immediately becomes apparent what happened to Derrick Barry after she walked off stage last night:
Someone poured water on her and she melted.
Everyone casually steps over the pile of denim and nylon that used to be Derrick and moves on to the real topic of discussion: why it took this damn long for Bob to get in the bottom two.
"I feel like there's a dent in my armour now," Bob sighs.
Which can happen when your armour is made out of cardboard.
"The judges told me I have to work on being ugly and I don't think I know how to do that," says Naomi.
"Can you make an ugly face for us right now?" asks Kim Chi, and Naomi obliges.
Italian Vogue would still run it.
Just then the pill Naomi popped on the runway finally kicks in, prompting her to launch into an impromptu impression of Lady Gaga's Artpop album cover:
Would rather see Naomi perform, tbh.
Hey Naomi, while you're feeling talkative, what was the worst thing about Derrick?
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and we're back in the Werk Room which, thanks to the magic of costuming and set design, has been transformed into an exact replica of this week's sponsor: Shonelle's Salon and Day Spa in Huntington, Ohio:
OK, so they've just put on some robes. That's pretty much all you get at Shonelle's too.
Just as the queens are taking in all the glamour in their deluxe polyester robes, they begin to feel an ominous presence lurking behind them. They immediately fall into fearful silence as a sinister heavy breathing fills the room, punctuated by tiny, forbidding squeaks, like an evil mouse hatching a plan to take over the world.
Slowly the queens turn around and...
...as it turns out it's not the devil or a poltergeist, it's just RuPaul practising his impression of a tube of foundation:
Gotta get that sponsor money where you can, chickens.
"For your final maxi challenge you'll star in the official music video for 'The Realness'," announces RuPaul, before demonstrating his handy new pump-action lid.
Wait, you mean there's no stupid mini challenge where they have to dress up as a judge or glue macaroni to a puppet?
Holy Six Pack, what say you to this?
I think they speak for all of us.
"Wo!" gasps Naomi.
"Yes!" sighs Chi Chi.
"I'M A VIDEO HO!" shrieks Bob in delight.
TFW you realise your entire future hangs on your ability to dance, and you're Kim Chi.
Fortunately for Kim Chi, RuPaul has brought along a giant condom stuffed full of walnuts to help get them motivated for the video shoot:
Yes I stole that joke from Clive James, I make no apologies.
"Ug," says the condom.
But wait, RuPaul has a big announcement!
"Whoever is eliminated tomorrow will be edited out of the final video... FOREVER," he says.
Probably a career boon, to be honest.
"It's so important to do well in this challenge because this is going to be a determining factor in whether you're America's next drag superstar," says Chi Chi.
Special category: Stating the bloody obvious.
But enough of all that...
IT'S VIDEO SHOOT TIME!* The condom announces today's shoot will be "all about flow-tography", which sounds like something you'd see on a tampon commercial.
Probably using this camera.
* The condom explains that the queens will have to lip sync into an overhead camera while lying on their backs. All of them are ecstatic, being so used to working on their backs already.
With one exception.
* First on the slab is Naomi, who shows just how feminine she is by immediately doing an impression of a woman preparing for a pap smear:
This is exactly what it's like, silk scarves and everything.
* The condom tells Naomi to lie back and pretend that she is floating in a giant void. Funnily enough, imagining a giant void is not difficult for Naomi.
*"I'm starting to freak out because my ridiculously long legs aren't floating," she sighs.
OH NO POOR NAOMI.
* Ugh, Naomi looks terrible.
* Moving on to Bob, who looks like the home brand version of Naomi:
Bob looks less like a person floating through air, and more like how that person looks when they hit the ground.
Now we know what Oprah sees when she closes her eyes at night.
* "The hardest part of this challenge is definitely moving," says Kim Chi.
And also not getting your head accidentally caught in the set.
* Moving isn't Kim Chi's only problem; it seems looking straight into the camera is also difficult for her.
"Hey Kim Chi, I'm getting a lot of chin," says the condom.
"IS THAT MEANT TO BE RACIST?"
* All things considered, it's amazing they even got this shot of Kim Chi:
Could honestly watch this all day.
* Moving on to part two of the video, for which the theme is "avant garde". Sadly, Chi Chi has interpreted this as "Strangé mid way through a meth binge":
I don't even know.
* Still she's slightly more interesting than Bob, who has rocked up looking like the unfortunate lovechild of her own "New Wave" look and Thorgy in neon week:
A thrifty queen, Bob isn't content unless she can get several wears out of each wig.
* Bob's up first, and starts dancing unenthusiastically for the cameras.
"Bob, you're at a five - I want you at a 10," says the condom.
No shade, but Bob's never gonna be a 10.
"Kim Chi, this is how you fall, bitch."
* Sadly Kim Chi can't hear her, as she's too busy LOOKING AMAZING:
Also her ears are full of feathers.
* OH DAMN SNAP YASS:
Shut it down. Winner. Of everything.
* Next up is Chi Chi, who unfortunately is wearing all black in front of the black backdrop and so basically looks like this:
She should quit while she's a head.
* Hey Chi Chi, what colour should you wear when you have to do a shoot in front of a black background?
* Moving on to the final part of the video which is meant to showcase "glamour".
To be fair I'd make this face too if that's what I saw in the mirror.
* It appears that in an effort to look edgy, Bob has painted her right hand black and her left hand gold. But then everyone realises that's just how she puts on her makeup - by painting her fists and punching herself in the face.
* SHUT. UP.
Seriously, shut up.
* Sensing her time on the show may be running out, Chi Chi uses her last bit of video time to audition for a part in an upcoming Cornetto commercial:
* Not to be outdone, Kim Chi comes dressed as a homebrand rainbow Paddlepop:
Nailed it. Pity no one likes homebrand.
* Just as the condom is about to yell "cut", who should come stumbling onto the lot but season six winner Bianca Del Rio, doing a very loud comedy bit about being late for the photo shoot from episode one.
"JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES," says Bianca, while everyone pretends to find it funny.
"Seriously, what is happening right now?"
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and OMG: it's The Last Day In The Werk Room!
Everyone is nervous about the upcoming elimination, except maybe for Chi Chi, who is looking forward to going home to a proper meal of turkey neck.
"I jiss hate the ferkin food in California, gross Whole Foods bullshiii," she drawls.
Given Chi Chi previously declared her fondness for dog treats, this is a real indictment against Californian cuisine.
"While y'all talkin bout me eating turkey necks, this bitch Kim Chi says she eats fried chicken buttholes," slags Chi Chi.
"You eat other people's buttholes, why is chicken any different?" snaps Kim Chi.
"And those motherf**kers are undercooked!" hoots Bob.
"I don't get it."
But enough of all this food talk...
IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* In honour of her new music video's use of "flow-tography", RuPaul has come dressed as though she is literally emerging from a fallopian tube:
It's that time of the month... TO LOOK FABULOUS!
* First down the runway is Bob, who describes her outfit as "a feminine take on a tuxedo" with a "crazy sequinned jacket", but who in reality looks like Whoopi Goldberg getting ready to conduct a Prince-themed lesbian wedding in Las Vegas:
Whoopi probably would have worn Converse though.
* Next up is Chi Chi who looks drop dead gorgeous, but boring. Like Miranda Kerr.
That makeup though.
* Then there's Kim Chi, who has come dressed as the bird of prey that probably killed her chicken from earlier on, in yet another visual metaphor for her own evolution:
Coco Chanel once famously said "before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off". Kim Chi puts so many things on when she looks in the mirror she can barely leave the house at all.
* GET. OUT.
Bow down bitches.
* Then RuPaul asks each queen what they would tell their younger selves if they could go back in time:
"Learn how to do makeup."
"When you get to the final four, don't be boring."
"Not everything is about food."
"Wait I have one more: when you're on TV in drag, don't show your profile. Also: learn how to do makeup."
"Don't wait until episode six to show up."
* Michelle Visage says she wishes Bob had worn a gown instead of leggings.
Me too. One like this would have been good.
* "I think this is a really good place for your drag," Ross Mathews tells Bob, in what might be the shadiest shade bomb of the entire season.
* "Looking at your journey on the show, your taste level was sometimes questionable," Carson tells Chi Chi.
OH REALLY CARSON PLEASE TELL ME MORE.
* "Even though we've fought this awkward body movement the entire season, I think you've got to a place where you can work it now," Michelle Visage tells Kim Chi.
* "In fact looking at your entire journey I don't think there was one look that you didn't kill," Michelle continues.
I guess we can give her a pass on this one.
* La Visage tells Chi Chi and Naomi she's surprised they're there, saying "This is not the final four I would have predicted at the beginning of the competition".
Literally the most obvious final four in Drag Race history.
* "Bob's makeup has always been... not... great," Carson ventures, but is exploded by a laser on RuPaul's command before he gets to finish his sentence.
* Everyone else goes back to pretending Bob doesn't look like Rick James accidentally dipped his chin in bleach:
"It's super bleach, super bleach, it's super bleachy YOW!"
* Carson proves he might be in need of an eye test and/or psychiatric testing by describing Naomi as "someone who might be there in a year or two, but not yet".
Yeah OK well let's not dwell too much on that one.
There's some more deliberation (ie: lots of dull platitudes and niceties and not much actual criticism because it's the last episode and no one wants to be mean) and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after failing to pick up a luxury alcohol brand sponsor for a third year running this week is sponsored by Tampax. Tampax: For when you DON'T wanna go with the flow(tographer)!
Because she hasn't plugged it enough this episode, RuPaul makes all four queens lip sync to her new song "The Realness", and it's about as exciting as you'd expect given we've now heard this song about 15 times in the last half an hour.
But just as I'm about to pass out from boredom RuPaul utters the fateful words: "Chi Chi De Vayne - sashay away".
GOD DAMMIT RUPAUL.
"It's a knife in the heart, the back, the ass," says Chi Chi in her usual classy way.
God damn right it is.
I'm too upset to say anrthing about this. Imma leave the final word on this to the lady herself:
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.
Until next time...
Speaking of next time - apparently the finale isn't airing next week like I thought, but on Monday May 16, which happens to be the day before I jump on a plane and fly to Los Angeles for a holiday. So not only will I basically be quarantined in the sky from the internet for a full day while the winner is announced, I won't actually be able to recap it until late June.
THANKS A LOT RUPAUL. NO REALLY, THANKS.
EDIT: Here it is! Go on and READ EPISODE TEN - THE FINALE! Or go back and READ EPISODE EIGHT again if you wanna relive the past.