Tuesday, March 28, 2017

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 9, Episode 1

Well here we are again, kids, RuPaul's Drag Race SEASON NINE - my, how time flies!

In fact it's flown so fast no one has been bothered to update the set, so after eight years we're still stuck with the "internal organs pink" flooring and the fake brick walls that flutter in the breeze every time a queen tosses her locks. So to speak.

Although there is one notable addition to the Werk Room:



Oh wow what a beautiful statue, it really captures RuPaul's beaut...


Never mind.

I sincerely hope that at the end of each episode the eliminated queens start a new tradition of adding an accessory to this hideous statue as a parting gift, so that by the end of the season it just looks like Jaidynn Diore Fierce fell over in a Cheap as Chips.

But anyway, enough of this decor banter - the first queen is arriving!

And it's a hearty Bland Canyon welcome to Peppermint from New York, who is just dropping in on the way to her audition for the role of Morpheus in the upcoming drag remake of The Matrix - The Gaytrix:

She took the red pill AND the blue pill and they're both just starting to kick in.

"Oh my goddddd... heyyyyy!" she says to the empty room, which as far as first lines go isn't quite up there with "MOTHER HAS ARRIVED" but isn't as bad as "Who's ready for some hot tuna casserole?", so, you know. Well done Peppermint, I guess.

Next into the room is Valentina.

We know this, because she says "Hello. It's me. Valentina."

Well it's still a better opener than "oh my god hey".

Valentina is 25, very pretty, and from California.

She also may or may not be:

a) a cartoon jewel thief,

b) a 1960s era Bond villain,

c) a mime,

d) a sentient pair of eyebrows attached to a hat.

Or perhaps she is all of those things; an enigma, wrapped in a riddle.


"Come on, give it up for the big girl!" yells Eureka, 25 from Tennessee.

Christ, Adele has really let herself go...

Eureka describes herself as "country as a biscuit" but neglects to say what type, so I'm going to go ahead and guess it's one with raisins in that no one likes.

Next up is Charlie Hides, who hails from "Boston and London", so prepare yourself for the least specific transatlantic accent since Max haunted us all on season 7.

At 52 Charlie is the oldest queen to ever appear on Drag Race (other than Michelle Visage, of course, who is approximately 7,700) and describes herself as "rude, crude and socially unacceptable".

Shoulda gone to Specsavers.

She is also apparently a "famous celebrity impersonator" which is great because I've always wanted to see what Lady Gaga would look like in her 50s.

Oh, right.

Next into the Werk Room is our first witty pun for the season, Farrah Moan, who looks a bit like Courtney Act got caught up in a necklace:

Chicken Wire Barbie - new from Mattel!

Moving on to the first proper weirdo, and therefore the first Bland Canyon Official Fav (BCOF) of the season - Sasha Velour, who saunters in looking like the evil queen from Snow White via Studio 54, and commences screaming at her hands like a confused junkie:

The pain you feel when you think you're holding a footlong sub and then realise you aren't.

Sasha is 29 and from Brooklyn, and describes herself as "a visual artist" which is a bit wanky but she is giving me such severe Dallas Dellaforce vibes (click that link, you'll be glad you did) I love her completely and she can do no wrong.

The others are not quite as convinced.

Next through the door is 32-year-old New York queen Alexis Michelle, who looks a bit like what you'd get if Raven and Laila McQueen had a daughter and kicked her into a pile of glitter:

Don't forget: it's important to conduct monthly breast checks to make sure they're still not real.

Alexis describes herself as "New York's premiere Broadway queen".

Hands up who thinks Alexis gave herself that title and no one else has ever used it?

Just checking.

Meanwhile, did I mention Alexis looks like Raven?

COME ON, LOOKALIKE!


Suddenly, a pile of accessories walks in the door and starts rhyming:

This art piece is entitled "Bootsy Collins emerging from the rear end of a fraggle".

"My name is Shea Coulee and I didn't come to play I came to slay," says the pile, and everyone is very impressed at its command of English.

Shea is 27, from Chicago, and doesn't know not to wear stockings with open toed shoes.

GIRL, NO.

She also describes her drag shows as a "real production" because they involve costumes, make up and dance moves.

My thoughts exactly.


Next up is 31-year-old Trinity Taylor from Florida, a self-confessed plastic surgery addict who describes herself as "the look and feel of real".

Real what, though?

Trinity looks a bit like what Kath from Kath and Kim would look like if she took a lot of ecstasy and decided to go to a sex club on another planet, which is to say - a bit weird.

"I don't like to use the words 'pageant queen', because there's such astigmatism with pageant queens," says Trinity.

"What a coincidence, I've got astigmatism too!"

Meanwhile over in the corner Eureka is doing Face Crack of the Century version 2.0 because apparently Trinity beat her in some pageant once and so therefore: DEEP. SEATED. SEASON. LONG. RIVALRY.

She's salty, to match her crunchy wig line.

Moving right along to Kimora Blac, another queen from Las Vegas and another queen who looks like the spawn of Raven - this time with Gia Gunn.

She is holding up this pelt as a warning to any other muppets who dare to cross her path.

Kimora, as her Las Vegas sister Farrah Moan tells us, is "famous for her ass", and her boobs, and basically serving herself up to all comers like an all-you-can-eat casino breakfast buffet.

"I love anything see-through," says Kimora.

"How about my personality?"

Suddenly there's a shriek from the doorway and everyone turns around to see...

Alaska's back!

No wait, it's actually just a poorly made puppet with a gloved hand up its backside, which can only mean one thing: COMEDY IS AFOOT.

Oh good grief.

Jaymes Mansfield is 26 and from Milwaukee and describes herself as "a kooky comedy queen who builds puppets", so if that doesn't fill you with foreboding I don't know what will.

She also says she has "more up my sleeves than anyone knows" which, as she's not wearing any sleeves, doesn't fill me with confidence for her talents.

Jaymes immediately sets about demonstrating why she will be the first queen to be eliminated by telling top class jokes via her puppet, such as "These are my summer diamonds - summer diamonds and summer not!" and "Hi I'm Jaymes Mansfield, I'm going to win RuPaul's Drag Race!".

My feelings precisely.


BUT FORGET JAYMES AND HER PUPPET BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

They tried to tell us about the pornification of Disney, and we just didn't listen.

"I'm Nina Bonina Brown and I am back in town to shut it down," says the hallucinogenic mouse.

Meanwhile, in the corner:

"Shit, that rodent can rhyme better than me."

Nina Bonina is from Georgia, looks like one of Madonna's dancers from the Blond Ambition tour, is definitely the next BCOF, and will probably win this whole damn thing.

THERE, I'VE SAID IT. NINA BONINA BROWN IS THE WINNER OF DRAG RACE SEASON NINE. EAT THAT.

Moving on like we care anymore to Brooklyn queen Aja, who impresses everyone right off the bat by doing a bang-on impression of season seven's Pearl emerging from the trash after a hard night on the grog.

Once she separates herself into the recycling she'll be fine.

"Aja is the number one name in Brooklyn that people are talking about right now," gushes Sasha Velour, carefully neglecting to mention exactly WHY she's being talked about.

I can hazard a guess.

Aja is redefining "beat".

"Aja's make up is very rough around the edges," says Trinity.

"Does she KNOW what she looks like? Because if not, I need to tell her."


Please, producers, remember this.

And finally in walks our last queen, some Lady Gaga impersonator from Newark with big sleeves and an even bigger attitude:

Her diamante headband slipped down over her eyes just as she walked in and she just had to go with it.

"I'm New Jersey's number one Lady Gaga impersonator," brags 30-year-old Ronnie, who has nailed the look so perfectly she's unwittingly put to rest one of the biggest Gaga rumours - namely, that she has balls.

THAT is a meaty tuck.

But I can't help thinking there's something strange about Ronnie.

Something's not quite right.

Yep, that's Ronnie.


That's old Ronnie, alright.


Good old Ronnie.


WAIT, WHAT?

Yes, surprise surprise, it's not Ronnie the unconvincing drag queen from New Jersey but Lady Gaga, the unconvincing drag queen from New York.

Of course, all the queens react to this news calmly and sensibly.

OH MY GOD IT'S THAT POP STAR WHO SHAMELESSLY CASHED IN ON GAY CULTURE WOOOO!


(By the way, before any of you kids start yabbering on at me about how much Lady Gaga has done for the community etc. etc. please know that I don't care because I think she's a big fat phony and her "Marry the Night" video was shit.)

"GAGA YOU DON'T EVEN REALISE HOW MUCH YOU INSPIRE PEOPLE LIKE ME YOU ARE SO AMAZING I THINK YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE YOU ALLOW US TO BE WHO WE ARE AS ARTISTS," vomits Eureka.

Meanwhile, backstage.


"I have always admired the craftsmanship that goes into what you all do," breathes Gaga.

"Well, into what SOME of you do, anyway..."

Suddenly there's a loud BOOM that sends shockwaves through the Werk Room and causes the walls to shake (more than usual).

All the queens drop to the floor and dash under the table - none faster than London queen Charlie Hides, who instantly remembers her training from the Blitz - while Kimora offers everyone additional shelter under her giant ass.

Just as Lady Gaga is about to open her mouth to say something empowering to the gay community, the door at the top of the stairs swings open and...

HEEEEEERE'S RUPAUL!

"Oh, my Gaga!" gushes RuPaul while simultaneously filling out the Golden Globes application form for "Least Convincing Display of Admiration on a Reality Show" award.

"I'm only doing this because millennials watch this shit now."

"This season is going to be stuffed with more stars, more stunts and more shenanigans than ever before," declares RuPaul.

"And for the first time in Drag Race herstory - NO ONE IS GOING HOME."

Bitch got reeeeeeal lucky.

Wait, no one is going home?

What, ever?

Pardon?

What does this mean? Is season nine actually some sort of Huger Games style scenario where all the queens have to attack each other with stilettoes until there's only one left standing? Will it just continue on forever until everybody dies, and then the true winner is revealed to be old age?

We may never know, as this statement is never explained and RuPaul simply barges on with explaining the day's challenge - competing in the "Miss Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and Talent" pageant.

Oh yeah, I think I've seen a C.U.N.T Pageant before.

RuPaul explains the two pageant categories: the first is a "frock inspired by your home city".

Or planet.

The second is a look inspired by Lady Gaga, who is still hanging around for some reason.

Oh my god, I hope someone does this one:



Oh wait...

They already did.

Everybody immediately rushes off and starts preparing for the first runway - well, everyone except Farrah Moan, who spends the first five minutes trying to work out where to put her suitcases.

"I call her 'Blonde Benet Glamsey', because she whines like a six year old," says Shea Coulee, who has apparently never watched the end of the "Jonbenet Ramsey: E True Story" documentary.

The face you make when you try to work out how a dead six year old whines.

"So Charlie, have you ever played Lady Gaga before?" Peppermint asks.

Well duh, Peppermint. Charlie Hides is one of the world's premiere celebrity drag impersonators, she's done Lady Gaga dozens of times! Here, look:

Hmm. Well it's good to see Sharon Needles looking so healthy anyway.

"Charlie has a very 'on the edge' sense of humour, it's quite an acquired taste," says Peppermint.

Yes, dear, it's called "British".

Meanwhile Aja is making heaps of new friends by showing off her Gaga outfit, which is literally a Gaga outfit that she stole off some New York designer friend:

It would be slightly more impressive if she wasn't wearing it backwards, however.

"I was like can I go through your archives and like have stuff and he was like yeah take whatever you want," Aja blahs, twirling all over the Werk Room in her hideous dress.

All the other queens are really impressed.

Kimora couldn't be more in awe.

While Aja is literally putting on a dress and calling herself Lady Gaga, Nina Bonina Brown is in the other corner turning herself from a mouse into a piece of fruit by glueing a cardboard cut-out of a peach to her head.

"I haven't seen many girls who can grab some paper and glue and create a new face," she says.

Or in some cases, even with makeup.

Meanwhile, Eureka is making sure the Deep Seated Season Long Rivalry With Trinity plotline continues until at least the end of the episode by declaring "The only thing I want from this challenge is to beat Trinity".

And hey, if this pageant doesn't work out, she can always try for the one back in Whoville.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music...

...and we're on the runway and ready for our first pageant, and in comes our fabulous host RuPaul who... hang on, WTF?

 Jesus, budget cuts have been savage this season.

Yes, the world's most famous drag queen has refused to wear drag in the first episode of her TV drag competition.

Well to be fair, so has Jaymes.

Anyway let's get on with it... IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* In an effort to appeal more to the show's growing millennial audience, Michelle Visage has come dressed as a cross between the "cry laugh" and the "dancing woman" emojis:

Can't wait to see her do the "smiling poo" in episode two.

* And because her Uber hasn't shown up yet, Lady Gaga is still there.

Well at least SOMEONE has come in drag tonight.


* First down the runway is Peppermint, repping her home city of New York in a really innovative and unique way:

Never would have picked it.


* Next is Valentina, who is from East LA where apparently bullfighting is a popular pastime:

Valentina gives bulls the horn.

* Meanwhile, watching at home:



* Then there's Eureka, doing her home town of Johnson City, Tennessee proud with a moving tribute to its twin pastimes of smoking and surprise pregnancies:

Next week on "Nashville"...


* Moving along to Charlie Hides of Boston, who lives up to her name by literally hiding inside a pilgrim costume:

This went on for at least another three minutes.


* Then there's Farrah Moan of Las Vegas, looking like one of those "Dolls of the World" you find at the $2 shop for some eastern European country you've never heard of:

"Meet Katerina from Turkrainistan, she has real hair and can sing the Internationale."


* Next is Sasha Velour, who has decided to pay tribute to New York's "queer modern art" by showing everyone her Warhol:

Note to Gaga: this is how you tuck.


* Then there's Alexis Michelle, representing New York in a really innovative and unique way - with a picture of the Statue of Liberty:

That moment when last night's bean tacos come back to haunt you.

* As a tribute to civil rights and activist movements coming out of New York, Alexis has written several political slogans on her bodysuit, like "Black Lives Matter" and "Fair Rent" and...

Well, she said it...


* From tacos to hot dogs, it's Shea Coulee, who has rocketed into BCOF status by showing off her wiener and buns as a giant Chicago hot dog:

You're not supposed to let your wiener show in drag, but I'll make an exception for this.


* Next down the catwalk is Trinity Taylor of Orlando, who uses her 10 seconds of screen time to promote a cause she is passionate about: colon health.

This outfit brought to you by Rectum Awareness Month.


* Next down the line is Kimora Blac, looking less "Las Vegas showgirl" and more "Las Vegas highway roadkill":

If Kimora ever needs to go to a fancy dress party with the theme of "Latoya Jackson escaping from an explosion at a Goodwill store", this is the outfit.


* "All the girls in Vegas know me as the youngest, hottest, skinniest queen," Kimora says.

TFW when you thought YOU were known as Vegas' youngest, hottest, skinniest queen...


* Moving right along to...

NEXT.


* Oh look, here's Aja, representing New York in a really innovative and unique way:


"My name's Aja and I'm from..."

"WE KNOW."



* And finally it's Nina Bonina Banana Fo Fanna Osama Bin Laden Brown of Atlanta, Georgia, and just... I mean... COME ON, IT'S LITERALLY PAPER AND GLUE.

A peachy keen peachy queen.


* Now it's time for the Lady Gaga runway, so prepare yourself for lots of faux humility and beatific looks from the Gagster as everyone pretends she's some sort of icon.

* First up it's Peppermint, doing Gaga doing Bowie at the 2016 Grammys, and amazingly managing to be nothing like either:

TFW you haven't glued your wig down and the wind picks up.

* Gaga, what did you think?

"Is that heartburn? Has anyone got any Buscopan?"


* Moving on to Valentina, who looks hot as hell in some other look that Lady Gaga wore once. I dunno, I mean apart from the meat dress, who remembers Gaga's outfits? It's not like she's MADONNA.

Actually didn't Madonna wear something like this once?
(Also: anyone getting a Tatianna vibe from this one?)


* Then there's Eureka, who accidentally misheard "come as your favourite Lady Gaga look" as "come as the spouse of your favourite fast food mascot" and has turned up dressed as the Hamburglar's wife:

Eureka is also available on Airtasker for odd welding jobs.

* What do you think, Gaga?

"Seriously, when is my fucking Uber getting here?"


* Next is Charlie Hides, who after 23 and a half minutes has finally extricated herself from her pilgrim costume long enough to put on a folded bedsheet and some doilies:

Mesmerising.

* Gaga?

"I mean, should I just call a regular cab?"


* Moving right along to Farrah Moan, who has misheard "Lady Gaga realness" as "white supremacist realness" and has shown up looking like a KKK Grand Wizard:

Also well done Farrah for being the first queen of the season to repurpose a shower curtain!

* Thoughts, Gaga?

"Yep, that's definitely heartburn. God dammed pastrami."

* Next down the runway is Sasha Velour, who has obviously tripped over all the names Lady Gaga has dropped over the last 10 minutes as her makeup is all smudged:

Serving 1960s jewel thief and part time kids' facepainter realness

* Alexis Michelle gets five million bonus points not only for looking absolutely breathtaking...

Gorge.

...but for winning the Guinness World Record for holding a couch up one's butt:

It was a three seater.


* Moving on to Shea Coulee, who looks rather like Grace Jones got caught in an unfortunate toilet paper accident.

"My look is powerful, yet gentle," she says.

"And also strong, soft and absorbent."


* Then there's Trinity, who has chosen as her inspiration the time Lady Gaga took too much MDMA and rubbed lipstick all over her neck:

The trend never really took off.

Meanwhile, backstage:

"Hey, redneck is MY thing!"


* Here's Kimora Blac, wearing "what Lady Gaga would wear to the airport":

When someone gives you a hamburger but you haven't eaten since 1994 so you don't know what to do with it.


* And here's Jaymes Mansfield, apparently dressed as Lady Gaga's famous Vogue cover:

The only way this mess would make the cover of Vogue is if Jaymes threw a copy on the floor and literally fell onto it.

* Oh hey, Nina Bonina!

This is how you go from mouse to peach to Lady Gaga - just wrap that face in lace, honey.


* And finally it's Aja, who is wearing what appears to be a mattress cut into the shape of a dress.

This is exactly how I feel about it too.

* Gaga?

"Fuck it I'm catching the bus."

* Gaga criticises Peppermint for wearing hoop earrings when she was supposed to look like Gaga. Looking like Bowie. Pretty sure Bowie didn't wear crunchy duct tape along the top of his forehead either but sure, hoop earrings, whatever.

* La Visage criticises Sasha Velour for carrying too many accessories.

OK Michelle.

* Gaga criticises Shea Coulee for her attention to detail after it is revealed her white dress was made out of cloth, and not of animatronic origami as Gaga's original was. Try harder next time, Shea.

* "I thought Kimora's first look was not indicative of Vegas, it was very cheap looking," says La Visage, who may never have actually been to Vegas.

* "I thought I was getting a comedy queen, and I was left with drag blue balls," says Ross Mathews of Jaymes Mansfield, which is both a way of letting us know that Jaymes isn't funny, and also that Ross actually has balls.

* Carson suggests Jaymes would have been funnier if she'd come out "covered in cheese or wearing an udder for a wig", which says all you need to know about how funny she was to begin with.

* Describing Eureka, Gaga says: "I was laughing and entertained, and that's part of this," which is a nice reminder because this episode has been so bloody boring I'd actually forgotten entertainment was supposed to be a part of it at all.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, given the way the main portion of the show is going, is probably no longer even a lounge but just a fenced off area of the carpark with some upturned milk crates and a few packets of Funyuns.

RuPaul announces that Nina Bonina Brown is the winner of the C.U.N.T Pageant, the prizes for which include a gently used bottle of Febreeze, a half-eaten blueberry muffin that Michelle Visage threw away after discovering it contained gluten, and an overnight stay in a smoking room at the Tuscaloosa Comfort Inn.

No one is eliminated, because WHAT EVEN IS THIS SHOW ANYMORE, and everybody applauds as Nina takes to the runway for her victory lap.

"Finally, I get to go home."

"Oh wait a minute, wait a minute!" shouts RuPaul.

"Oh for fu..."

"The real competition is just about to begin," declares RuPaul, as everyone does their best "surprised face" behind him.

"I'm introducing..."

Yes?


What?


GOD DAMMIT WHAT IS IT?


"...a fourteenth queen into the race!" says RuPaul triumphantly.

That just about sums that up.

Who is the mysterious fourteenth queen?

Will RuPaul ever get into drag again?

Do we care?

The answers to all these questions and more (probably) in EPISODE TWO. Go on and click it!

Or you can go read my SEASON EIGHT RECAPS - start right here with EPISODE ONE.



20 comments :

  1. So glad you're back!

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  2. YAHHHH!! You are back!! Thank you!!

    Having been a fan of Charlie Hides for a while now I'm team Charlie but I do very much like Nina so far.

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  3. Oh thank you. Reddit's very pro Jaymes Mansfield and right from MTQ I've just thought she was a big old mess. Or young mess. Whatever, she's a mess. And will someone teach the poor child to create cheekbones? She looks like she just fell face first into a bunch of powder. then stuck some eyelashes on. Badly. Favs so far, Sasha Belle, Nina Bonina and, surprisingly, Farrah (who did have a reveal but didn't actually reveal it).

    And finally, as per usual please do Untucked as well!

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  4. LOVE your work, glad you're back! I really missed you for AS2 tho..

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  5. Valentina's hometown look is a Charro suit (mariachi outfit) - Mexico.
    Milk's was a Traje de Luces (matador outfit) - Spain.
    Visually somewhat similar, but very different purposes within very different cultures.

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    Replies
    1. You would be a treat at a party wouldn't you!!

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    2. Actually he´s right, matador and mariachi are two completely different things, and I´m happy someone clock it.

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    3. FFS this is a humorous recap, mixed in with a lot of puns, sarcasm etc. History 101 isn't something needed here.

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    4. OP here - I wasn't coming from a place of offense. Just information.
      And you're probably right - at a party I'd be a lot more likely to be anxiously clinging to the walls and avoiding social interaction. But I'd push myself to jump into conversation and engage by interjecting with random bits of my own knowledge.

      Also, it's arguable whether history is needed in comedy - comedy is bred of context, after all. And I think, when dealing with matters of culture, it's important not to lump everyone into the same boat. It's something akin to saying all gay/queer/trans people are really all the same in their politics and sexual preferences based on a shared exterior character trait. At least, it is in my mind. Anyway, JOKES JOKES JOKES witty catch phrase, you know what I mean?!

      Delete
    5. Thanks so much for this. I was going to do the same comment :)
      Matador - Milk = Bullfighting/Sport/Spain/Europe
      Mariachi - Valentina = Mariachi / Musician / Mexico / America
      I understand the comedy on this and I laugh at this comparison. But this are completely different things, from countries in different continents. The only thing they have in common is, they both speak Spanish.
      But be careful, God forbid you might confuse a rugby player, with a American football player... then you won’t hear the end of it... :D

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  6. I love your blog! So glad you’re back so Season 9. I’m British so have a Charlie Hides bias x

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  7. I am sooooooooo happy you are back!!! :)

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  8. Your gaga hate is stale as fuck. I mean, say what you want about people who defend her -- but I think she's done more than enough to show she cares abou the gay community and it isn't a "stunt". Try some new jokes.

    Cute article.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not everyone like Gaga, agrees that she all that or that her $18 cookies are worth biting into...

      Oh wait, that was back in 2011.

      Yes the Gaga hate is as stale as those cookies would be.

      Delete
    2. Oh sorry, should I automatically like her now because it's 2017? I should have checked my calendar.

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    3. Nope, there is nothing in the past six years that would convince me that she's any better now. She's in a position to be able to be seen as a ray of light for the LGBT+ community but the $$$ keeps rolling in for her.

      Delete
  9. what happened to AS 2 recaps? They were sorely missed :(

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  10. (Ignore my name I was tiny when I made this profile and thought "Willie" was a good idea) is there any chance you'll go back, decide to binge through AS2, and write a recap of each episode (or at least an article about how Alaska is a snake?)

    ReplyDelete