When we last saw our queens RuPaul had just dropped the utterly unimpressive bombshell that she was introducing a fourteenth competitor to the race (like, we just met 13 of them, what does one more matter - introduce five more if you like) - leaving us only with a mysterious silhouette to puzzle over for a week.
Now it's time for that fourteenth queen to be revealed - but who will it be?
Could it be fan favourite Katya from season seven?
Leggy supermodel Naomi Smalls from season eight?
"HOW YOU DOIN' MIS AMORES, ARE YOU READY TO SEE MY CUCU AGAIN?"
For those new to the Drag Race family, Cynthia Lee Fontaine is 35, from Austin, Texas and was crowned Miss Congeniality of season eight.
She is also physically incapable of getting through a single sentence without using the word "cucu" - her own made-up slang for "ass" - so if you feel like dying, play a drinking game where you take a shot every time she says it.
With our fourteenth queen announced and everyone else suitably nonplussed, we head back to the Werk Room where Ugly Statue RuPaul is busy trying to teach a lamp how to Vogue:
All the queens plonk themselves down around a werk table and start congratulating Cynthia on her return to the show, and on her recovery from liver cancer which isn't quite as impressive an achievement but you know, good for her.
"MY CUCU IS FANTASTIC GIRL! THIS CUCU IS READY!"
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where ev...
"I DIDN'T KNOW THIS CUCU WAS HAPPENING TODAY!"
As all the queens rush to their workstations, Jaymes Mansfield walks slowly to the centre of the room, clears her throat and prepares to deliver the funniest joke in the world to prove once and for all that she's a comedy queen to be reckoned with.
She's been working on it all night. She knows it's going to kill. This is her big moment. She opens her arms wide, throws back her head and...
"SHE DONE ALREADY HAD HERSES!"
Oh well, I guess it'll have to wait.
"If you can't love yourself, let me. I'm your biggest fan. You're all number one. Blah blah blah sporting puns," says a producer pretending to be the voice of RuPaul, as everyone stares up at the giant piece of cardboard on the wall that they're all pretending is a flatscreen TV.
Suddenly an eerie high pitched wail pierces the air - everyone is concerned until they realise it's just Jaymes crying, and they all go back to staring at the cardboard.
But then the floor starts rumbling, and the ceiling begins to shake, and there's a dreadful banging at the top of the stairs as the door swings open to reveal...
Yes, it's that famous gay icon Lisa Kudrow!
You know, the actress who played the least popular one on Friends, and then did... some other stuff.
"Lady Gaga was just here, and now - Lisa Kudrow," says Peppermint.
"I just ran into her on the lot, and she wanted to come in and say hello," says RuPaul, which sounds rather more like an excuse than an introduction.
RuPaul asks Lisa Kudrow to say her catchphrase, and she says "I got it!", and everyone laughs hysterically like they have the first clue what it means or where it's from, and then it's time for the first challenge.
Wow, I can't wait to see what they're going to do with this awesome celebrity guest star - maybe they'll have to re-enact a scene from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion!
Or maybe they'll have to recreate an episode of Friends, with Cynthia as Monica...
...and Trinity as Rachel...
...and Aja as Joey:
Ooh this is exciting, what will it be? What will Lisa Kudrow get them to do? What will they...
"When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a cheerleader," says RuPaul as Lisa Kudrow quietly closes the door behind her and everyone silently agrees to pretend that last segment never happened.
"So for this week's maxi challenge you'll be competing in the biggest, baddest cheer battle in herstory - hashtag 'queer cheers'!"
Nina Bo'nina and Cynthia Lee are declared "squad leaders" and pick their teams; Valentina is picked last because she's so damn handsome she makes everyone forget their own name, as well as hers.
RuPaul announces that Nina Bo'nina's team will be "Team Glamazon", which I suppose means they'll have to perform to whatever crap new song she has out at the moment.
Cynthia's team, on the other hand, will be cheering for "extra special guest judges the B52s!".
Over on Team Glamazon, Aja notices each lyric of their cheer features a different adjective, and cleverly suggests assigning a line per queen based on who's the best match.
"I wanna be 'sassy'," she says.
"Can I be 'flirty'?" asks Shea Coulee.
Recognising there's no lyric for "boring", Aja suggests the next best thing for Jaymes - "snoozy".
"I think if you did 'snoozy' it would be really funny," says Aja, who has clearly forgotten Jaymes already tried that in episode one.
"I think 'floozy' is more my role because it's all about high energy and being over the top," says Jaymes, who has gotten momentarily confused and has started listing things that she isn't.
But a lack of talent isn't the only thing standing in Jaymes' way, as a voice from the corner suddenly booms: "I WANT 'FLOOZY'."
"Take 'snoozy' girl, it'll be hilarious," says Alexis, in the same encouraging way a murderer might urge their victim to "just take a sip" of the delicious drink they've just poured for them.
Fortunately for Jaymes though, at least one person there knows how to manipulate Alexis: massage her ego.
"Honestly Alexis I feel like even though 'snoozy' might be a challenge, it's a challenge you can definitely rise to," Shea Coulee says.
"You're right, girl. I can do any of these - I'm an actress," Alexis says, taking a big old bite out of the bait and swallowing it whole.
So Jaymes gets to showcase her so far totally absent high energy with "floozy" and Alexis gets to show off her superior acting skills by acting slightly tired with "snoozy". Then they start rehearsing and everyone immediately regrets their decision.
"I'm Charlie, I'm boozy!" cheers Charlie.
"I'm Alexis, I'm snoozy!" cheers Alexis.
Finally, approximately 27 years after her cue, Jaymes jumps in with: "I'm Jaymes, I'm Jewsy! Oh no, wait..."
"Girl you wanted to be the floozy, you gotta sell floozy, and I'm not seeing it yet," says Alexis, who has suddenly morphed into a Broadway casting director and started bossing Jaymes around.
"Let's do it one more time, and I'm going to sing it with you so you can get it in time," she continues.
"Jaymes doesn't seem to be here, mentally," says Shea Coulee, as Alexis struts around barking orders.
Realising she won't make it out alive unless Alexis gets an Oscar, Jaymes finally admits defeat.
"This is going to sound crazy, but why don't we go back to the idea you had before - you do floozy, and I'll do snoozy," she says.
"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA," shrieks Alexis, barely masking her delight.
OK, so from the top!
Well look, obviously learning lines isn't Jaymes' strong suit. Perhaps she'll do better in the other part of the challenge.
Yes that's right, the queens are going to have to learn acrobatics to flip and tumble their way through this cheerleading challenge, and possibly also through the nearest emergency ward.
Naturally, they are delighted at this turn of events.
"I am so pissed," whinges Kimora.
"Who does cartwheels anymore? It's not even the '80s."
They all have a go with Valentina but unfortunately don't get close enough to actually put her through. Never mind, better luck next time.
Back at the Werk Room, Peppermint is looking for a pair of bloomers to wear under her cheerleading skirt.
"What is a bloomer?" says Kimora, screwing her face up.
Not that Kimora has time for bloomers, she's too busy complaining about having to stone her outfit with diamantes.
"I think when you stone anything it's just an excuse to look great without really even being great. Stoning is for ugly girls," she says.
"This is why I pay someone to do this," she whinges, as she battles the chronic exhaustion that comes from glueing 10 diamantes to a piece of spandex.
"Eureka will you do this for me? I'm getting tired, I'm getting thirsty and I'm getting anxiety right now."
Doobly doo music, wavy lines, more doobly doo music... and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where everyone is dragging up except for Valentina, who is too busy praying to her Virgin of Guadalupe candle.
"I don't turn it on," Valentina sighs, oblivious to the millions of virgins she IS turning on every week.
Clearly looking to inject more drama into the episode, the producers get Peppermint to tell a story about how she got beaten up once at school for having a crush on another boy.
Then Cynthia reminds everyone how she used to have liver cancer.
But enough of all this melodrama, because...
...IT'S RUNWAY TIME!* Having remembered she is the host of an international drag show, RuPaul has finally shown up in drag. Unfortunately, it's this drag, which makes her look like a toilet roll holder from 1974:
* And she's not the only one:
* Joining them on the judging panel is this wax sculpture of hit 1980s band The B52s:
* First up is the cheerleading challenge, which involves all the queens running around together, tumbling and flipping and screaming at once.
* It's certainly a dangerous challenge - luckily Trinity has brought her helmet:
* Sasha Velour heard "cheerleader chic" and came up with "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane goes to a 'crack house' themed sorority party":
* Meanwhile, Cynthia's team has lyrics that go "I'm Farrah - I'm thorny, I'm Peppermint - I'm corny, I'm Valentina - I'm also corny!" AND LITERALLY NO ONE SAYS THEY ARE HORNY. What a wasted opportunity.
* Moving on to the runway challenge, which RuPaul has this week declared "White Party Realness". It's not quite as political as the "White Supremacist Party Realness" one of the producers suggested, but it'll do.
* First up is BCOF Nina Bo'Nina Brown who may well have used up all her good looks in episode one because what the hell is this?
* AND IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION THE BUSTED FISHNET?
* Then there's Alexis Michelle, looking like Mr Whippy's wife got invited to the Oscars:
* Moving on to Shea Coulee, looking like Barbarella got into an unfortunate accident in the duct tape aisle:
* Next up is Charlie Hides, looking like the Snow Queen killed a muppet to make a new coat:
* "I've made a true commitment to showing women who are strong," says Sasha Velour.
* And there's Aja, who decided to pay tribute to the night's earlier cheerleading theme by wearing a jockstrap over her face:
* Next is Jaymes Mansfield, who really does look a lot like Jane Mansfield:
* Moving right along to Cynthia Lee Fontaine, whose dress has single-handedly tilted the earth off its axis under the weight of every diamante known to mankind:
* Meanwhile, backstage, you can just hear the faint call of the rare Kimora bird: "Stooooniiiinnng is for uuuuglyyyyy girrrrlllsss"...
* Oh look, Farrah Moan has finally found her Las Vegas look from episode one:
* OH MY GOD, VALENTINA.
* SHUT. IT. DOWN.
* BREAKING NEWS: Valentina is the new BCOF.
* Also new on my radar this week is Trinity Taylor, who looks like some sort of porn robot from space. Gold star too for serving some If You Are The One realness:
* Next is Kimora "Stoning is for Ugly Girls" Blac:
* Moving along to Peppermint, who continues to surprise and delight with her unique outfit choices:
* Getting into the spirit of recycling looks from last week is Eureka, who has come dressed as the torch from Aja's statue of liberty outfit:
* The B52s statue says it likese Charlie's runway outfit, but they can't remember her from the cheerleading challenge, although that may have less to do with her performance and more to do with all the drugs they took in the 80s.
* La Visage says she loves Jaymes Mansfield's "saddlebag hips" which I think is supposed to be a compliment, but given she follows it up with "I think you like to consider yourself a comedy queen but I haven't found anything funny coming from you" it doesn't really matter.
* "You do this airhead schtick, and I think if you committed all the way it'd be great," Ross Mathews tells Jaymes.
* Desperate to pick something out of Valentina's outfit that isn't 100 per cent perfection, Michelle Visage gets out her binoculars and zeroes in on the one centimetre of shoe showing underneath her hem.
"They're not white, they're nude," she says.
* Kimora is also criticised for not being white enough. #TrumpsAmerica
* The B52s statue says Kimora's wig was a standout, but she wasn't.
* "Jaymes needs more voom in his va va," says the B52s statue.
* "He wants to portray herself as this character, when I don't think that character is completely realised yet," says Michelle Visage, whose grasp of English is also not completely realised yet.
* Michelle says she didn't like Trinity's look becaue "we've seen a lot of this over the years".
"I thought it was very original," says the B52s statue.
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge, which this week is actually just the northernmost corner of Ross Matthew's dressing room cordoned off with some old boxes.
In a surprise akin to jumping into the Atlantic and finding it a bit wet, Valentina is declared the winner, and is awarded a swag of prizes including a New York Metrocard with two rides left on it, a bottle of Diet Coke that RuPaul once considered opening and a copy of The Diva Rules with the "$2 remaindered" sticker still on the front.
"On the runway you gave us bombshell floozy, but your cheerleading routine was a little snoozy," says RuPaul.
Meanwhile, back in the safe zone:
She's joined by Kimora Blac, who is no stranger to being in a bottom. Sorry, the bottom.
And so it begins - the first lip sync for season nine, to what else but Love Shack?
Unfortunately no one has explained what's happening to the B52s, who assume they're there to perform:
* It becomes evident that, if Kimora has heard this song before, she has no idea what it's about, as she does this action for "heading down the Atlanta highway":
Then she does a handgun action for "bang, bang, bang on the door", which suggests she thinks that part of the song is actually about a police drug raid:
* Still, she's going better than Jaymes Mansfield who clearly has no idea what to do and so is just copying Kimora's every step:
After what feels like about three days of non stop shouting the lip sync ends, and RuPaul announces her decision: it's time for Jaymes Mansfield to sashay away.
COLOUR ME WHOLLY UNSURPRISED. (I did predict this in episode one, remember)
So, any final words, Jaymes?
That's it for this episode kids, now go on and READ EPISODE THREE!
And in the meantime, why not go back and READ EPISODE ONE again? Every click I get earns me at least 3/8 of a cent so it will really help me pay my mortgage.