Tuesday, April 11, 2017

RuPaul's Drag Race Episode Recap: Season 9, Episode 3

This week's episode starts back in the Werk Room where everyone would normally be mourning over the departure of the most recent eliminee, but because it was Jaymes Mansfield everybody's already forgotten.


Also Kimora and Valentina are apparently getting married so, you know. Priorities.

What happens on Fleet Week stays on Fleet Week...


"I was honestly surprised I was on the bottom. Like, I was really surprised," says Kimora, sliding her finger into Valentina's ring.

"Compared to Jaymes, I was like - a 10 to a one."

Meanwhile, watching at home:

Don't cry Jaymes, with a bit of applied mathematics those numbers could represent anything!


If Kimora is a 10 then Valentina is some as yet undiscovered number greater than infinity that probably holds the keys to the meaning of life.

With her impossible cheekbones, giant eyes and dazzling smile, she's like a cross between Miranda Kerr and Mattel's Latina Barbie, but with actual personality.

As the winner of last week's runway, it seems she can do no wrong with the judges. What's her secret?

"I have been praying so hard to the viiirhhiindesanngwaaaadalupay," she says.

It's unclear if she's referring to the candle or just clearing her throat. 


Doobly doo music, wavy lines etc and it's the next day in the Werk Room, where all the queens have gathered around that one table to have the obligatory five seconds of dull chit-chat before they have to go and stand in front of the television for no reason.

Better make it worthwhile!

"So, after the gymnastics challenge, what to specked?" says Cynthia.

Well at least she didn't say "cucu".


"A knitting challenge!" says Nina Bo'nina, and everyone laughs hysterically because apparently there's another definition of "knitting" I'm unaware of.

(No but seriously, is there?)

"WOOOOOOOP! SHEDUNURRELLYDUNHATHERZ!" shrieks the RuPaul siren, which has to be the worst alarm since the Little Rooster was invented.

Incidentally, this is what it looks like when everyone's Little Rooster alarms go off at once.


"To become America's next drag superstar you have to try on a lot of glass slippers and kiss a bunch of frogs," says RuPaul in the pointless video message that wastes at least two minutes of screentime that could otherwise be devoted to character development and shade throwing each week.

"But don't be an evil queen - that role has already been taken," she continues.

"You're god damn right it has."


Just as everybody is trying to deciper RuPaul's cryptic message, the whole room starts shaking and everyone leaps under the nearest table, fearing an earthquake.

Fortunately it turns out it's just Valentina wiggling her eyebrows, so they all come out again.

With the crisis averted, Eureka grabs some butcher's paper and crayons while Kimora gets out her calculator, and everyone gathers round to work out what crazy theme could possibly bring together glass slippers, frogs, and evil queens (like, I dunno - advanced herpetology?).

After 27 sheets of paper, three pink crayons and approximately 13 hours, Farrah Moan shouts: "FAIRY TALES!"

She's really smart.


Suddenly the door at the top of the stairs bursts open and in strolls RuPaul, who is paying tribute to tonight's Disney-ish theme by dressing as... I dunno, something from the Lion King?

There were leopards in that crap, right?


"Now what do you guys think of the wax figure of me on loan from Madame Tussauds?" he asks.

Wait, THAT statue is from Madame Tussauds?

What picture were they working from, this?


"Oh it's GORGEOUS!" gasps one queen.

"I pray to her before a challenge!" cries another.

"Yeah... um... it's really nice RuPaul... it's really... beautiful..."


"Don't you love the way her eyes follow you around the room?" asks RuPaul.

"It's almost like there's a hidden camera in there, watching your every move!"

"Oh no wait, did I say camera? SNIPER, I meant sniper. My mistake!"


Wait, so - is there a hidden camera in the RuPaul statue?

And if so, exactly where is it hidden?

"Is it in her cucu?"


Sadly it seems we'll never know, because RuPaul goes on to explain the challenge and the hidden camera discussion is never explained or mentioned again.

"I know what that's like."


RuPaul explains that for this week's runway the queens will each have to dress as a fairy tale princess of their own devising, complete with their own mythology.

They'll also have to come up with a sassy animal sidekick - who they also need to play.

When everyone else is freaking out about how to do an animal costume, and you're just trying to decide between the armadillo, the piranha or the Tibetan sand fox outfits you brought with you.


Everyone runs off to start cutting and sewing and glueing, except for Alexis Michelle who has misunderstood the whole thing and is instead attempting to be a wax statue:

"Wait wait, I can do it without blinking, hang on..."


"I feel like I have the new age mindset to make this extremely avant-garde and high fashion," says Aja, who wore a jockstrap on her face last week.

"I might have this one in the bag."

This bag, as it turns out.


Not quite as confident is Farrah Moan, who is this season's token Queen Who Does Not Sew, aka "The Queen Who Will End Up Glueing Shit To A Bra And Wrapping Herself In Fabric".

That awkward moment you realise you forgot to learn how to sew before going on a giant televised sewing competition.


Over on the other side of the Werk Room, Kimora Blac is busily attaching ugly scraps of fabric to even uglier scraps of fabric to come up with her fairy tale princess look of "Tarzan's other wife".

I assume she means the one in the middle.


Kimora checks her watch to see how long it's been since she last reminded everyone of her superiority, realises she's overdue, and says: "I don't sew, I pay designers to sew for me."

Meanwhile:

I'm guessing this one was a freebie.


A few tables away, Eureka is busy glueing fake cockroaches and rats to her costume which she describes as "a gross, sewer, underground princess".

"It's very sewer rat," she says.

Meanwhile, on the next table:

"Shit."


"What are you doing, Alexis?" asks Shea Coulee.

"Well my whole Instagram branding is based on the fact that I ride the subway to my gig," Alexis begins.

Oh really? Wow, that sounds fascinating, please tell me more...


While Alexis regales everyone with the scintillating details of her various social media feeds, Kimora starts work on the "mythology" part of the challenge brief, filling out the form the producers have handed out with details of her princess' backstory.

"What's an adje-tive?" she asks.

Three states away, Latrice is like...


"It's a word that describes something," explains Cynthia Lee Fontaine, for whom English is a second language.

"Like... what do you mean?" asks Kimora.

"You know, like 'dumb', or 'stupid', or 'dense'. Those are adjectives."


"I'm going to put 'delicious' - is that an adje-tive? Yeah, that's a super adje-tive," says Kimora, who seems to think the "c" in "adjective" is optional.

Kimora also has an optional C, but it'll cost you.


Meanwhile, overwhelmed by the stupidity surrounding her, Trinity decides the only sensible move is to end it all with a plastic bag and some duct tape:

"Screw this, I'm out."


Back over at Aja's table she's explaining to RuPaul what her princess look will be.

"Her name is DEZ-AS-TAH!" begins Aja.

"Uh huh..."

"She's a volcanic eruption..."

"...uh huh..."

"...she is inspired by my mum, who's an angry Puerto Rican woman - I have a tattoo of her on my arm..."

"...uh huh..."

"...when she'd get mad you'd see the red come up and her baby hairs would start crimpling up, it's like an eruption girl!"

"...uh huh. Please excuse me, I'm going to stand over here now."


Over at the next work station, Valentina appears to have been taken over by the ghost of Joan Crawford:

Who wore it best?


"Can I see your eyes?" asks RuPaul, presumably to detect if they have any hidden cameras in them, as there's a bit of that going around lately.

"Oh well, you see, um, the thing is," begins Valentina, so maybe she really does have hidden cameras in her eyes. (Hang on, is Valentina a fembot? This would explain a lot.)

"You see, it's my very first time shaving my brows and I'm kind of like, nervous because I don't have my Brooke Shields Blue Lagoon eyebrows," she says.


This is the only correct response to that.


"Why don't you just shave it all off?" RuPaul asks.

"Oh, because I want to leave a little bit of boy brow there, so I don't look completely crazy," says Valentina.

Oh sure. You wouldn't want to look crazy...


Moving along to Trinity Taylor, who informs Ru she's going to be "Princess Aquapussy", with her sidekick "Stanky the Starfish".

"That sounds juicy! And salty!" says Ru.

"I was going to go with a chocolate starfish," says Trinity.

"I live for chocolate starfish!" says Ru.

When this conversation first started, I really thought that giant pink phallus thing was going to be the dirtiest part of the scene. I was wrong.


Over on the other side of the Werk Room Farrah Moan is busy glueing shit to a bra, as predicted.

Well, actually, Eureka is glueing shit to a bra while Farrah watches miserably and goes "ouuuhhghhh" like a cat with measles.

"Don't be afraid of hot glue, bitch - you're a drag queen," says Eureka.

There are some exceptions to this advice.

Doobly doo music, wavy lines, yada yada yada... and we're back in the Werk Room, where the queens are putting their final touches on their princess looks for the elimination runway.

Well everyone except Kimora, who has more important things to discuss.

"When you say 'cucu', it is the hole or is it the butt?" she asks Cynthia, because these are truly the most pressing issues of our times.

Cynthia embarks on a long and detailed explanation of the eytmology of "cucu" which involves her mother, and "caca" coming out of a "culo" and something called a "chancleta", and I have no idea what she's on about but it looks like this:

Oh I get it now. 


Hey, no one's said anything shady for at least 10 minutes. Where's Alexis?

Oh, right.

Fortunately she clicks out of wax statue practice long enough to tell Aja she's ugly.

"Are you afraid of what America is going to think of your makeup without Facetune?" she asks her, referring to Aja's obvious Photoshopping of her Instagram photos.

"Nope, because I think I look almost the same," says Aja.

"Almost" being the key word there.

Hmm.

Unless...

Yep, that's it. We've finally worked out who on Drag Race has the astigmatism.


"I think I look the same in photos," continues Aja, as everyone looks the other way and starts whistling.

Clearly the producers are feeling duped by Aja's obvious Photoshopping as well, because they take up a good 30 seconds presenting a Powerpoint slideshow of her beautiful Instagram snaps. and then show her back in the Werk Room looking like this:

It's like Gollum got a spray tan.


Then Trinity and Cynthia recount their stories of losing friends in the Orlando Pulse nightclub tragedy, and it's truly horrible and there's nothing funny about it, not even Farrah looking like this:

Actually she's not even listening to the stories, she's just thinking about how awful her runway outfit is.


But enough of all this misery, because...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

* As per her contract with the show's new sponsor BudgetFlowers4U.com, RuPaul comes dressed as this floral arrangement:

Kimora and Valentina can use her for their wedding reception later on, so it's good value.


* Fortunately La Visage has no such contractual obligations, leaving her free to dress as she likes.

Which this week is as an gothic ice skater recovering from a severe neck injury.


* Some guy called Toad of Toad Hall or something is there as a guest judge because he's famous on YouTube, but I have no idea who he is because I'm not 12.

He's come to show you his royal flush.


* The other guest judge is someone called Cheyenne Jackson, but it should be CAYENNE Jackson because he is HOT.

Well, not here he's not, but... well, just take my word for it.


* First down the runway is Cynthia Lee Fontaine, and guess what totally original and unexpected name she's given her Princess?

Gee. Never would have guessed.

* Far from being full of mystique and fantasy, Cynthia's Princess Cuculina looks exactly like what she is: a drag queen in a pink spandex condom dress with a polystyrene ball stuck to her head. Seriously, it's like someone tried to gift wrap a Barbie with a world globe but got as far as the bow and then gave up.

* Then we get to meet her sassy sidekick - a rabbit - brought to us through some incredible CG effects done on MS Paint:

The special effects on this show are truly mind blowing.
(Also: it's possible Princess Cuculina has a prolapsed bicep.)


* Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Bitch stole my look."


* Next up is Peppermint who totally kills it as fiery sexpot Princess Carcinogenetta, despite her sidekick "Petey the Pilot Light", a literal flame that won't shut up about fire safety:

From 2018 this will be part of the national training video for all fire fighters.


* Moving on to Farrah Moan as Princess Pacifica, which is a coincidence because she looks like she's been dragged up from the deep:

Oh a bra with things glued to it and a piece of fabric, what a surprise.
Still looks great, though.


* Her sidekick is "Bubblina", a fish with no eyes that's also her publicist. Or something. Christ, I dunno, I feel like this episode is requiring far more hallucinogens than usual just to garner a basic understanding of what is happening.

* Next down the runway is Charlie Hides as Princess Climaxica, which sounds like a vibrator you'd find in a sale bin at a dodgy sex toy shop.

"The Princess Climaxica - unlike a real princess, it's cheap and actually works."


* Princess Climaxica's sidekick is some boring old fairy (no, not Carson Kressley, another one) so points off there, but her outfit is really quite gorgeous:

Also her head appears to be exploding, so good on her for keeping it together under those conditions.


* Moving along to Eureka, who has stuck a crown on her head, covered herself in glitter cockroaches and called herself "Princess You-Reek-of-Daria".

Either she doesn't know how to spell "diarrhoea", or she thinks the cult 90s cartoon somehow had a smell.


* Meanwhile, watching at home:

"Nice try."

* Eureka's sidekick is a dog with a British accent called "Ruff Trade" who launches into a long story about how she was "kicked out of topland" and banned by the army to reign in the sewers, and jesus where are those drugs.

* Moving on to Alexis Michelle, who is still under the illusion that people care about her social media accounts and so has called her character Princess #SubwayFish (yes, with the hashtag).

* Alexis looks like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" era Cyndi Lauper emerging from a giant garbag bag. She is also randomly carrying a stick, and is friends with a worm that looks like it's auditioning for the Beastie Boys. I have no idea what her outfit has to do with either subways or fish, or princesses, or anything in the known universe.

I think the idea is that she's a fish that someone bought in Chinatown and then accidentally dropped on the subway track?


* Still, it's slightly more inventive than Kimora's effort - "Princess Banana Lady".

"So she's this lady princess who like, has some bananas, so, like... I dunno. Princess Banana Lady?"


* With a teeny weeny bikini top and her butt cheeks barely covered by some shredded jungle netting, Princess Banana Lady looks like she'd be saved in Tarzan's speed dial under "L8 NITE BOOTY".

* Meanwhile, her sidekick "Funky Monkey" (top marks for inventive naming there, Kimora) is like what children's television programming would be in hell:

Enjoy your nightmares tonight.

* Speaking of nightmares:

Ten bucks says this is that peach painted silver.


* Moving on to former BCOF Sasha Velour who looks fine I guess, but then she introduces herself as "Princess Uglina from Self Doubtia" and starts crapping on about love and self acceptance and just UGH.

Apparently the cage on her head is a metaphor for the prison of the mind and oh FFS.


* Meanwhile, Aja looks great tonight!

Those makeup lessons are really paying off.


* Next down the runway is Shea Coulee with Princess Aquaria, which is appropriate because she looks a bit like a fish whose internal organs are spilling out mid-way through the gutting process:

I can't wait to see her flap around at the end of the runway.


* Meanwhile, it's good to see NeNe Leakes getting work after the Real Housewives:

And people call reality stars "two dimensional".


* GET. THE FUCK. OUT.

ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING.


* Moving along to Aja:

Well, she got the name right.


* Other queens have opted for monkeys, or dogs, or fish as their sidekicks. Aja has chosen an asthmatic Jewish "smoke cloud" who explains that she helps the princess realise her dreams of "coal mining and becoming a gold digger":

Coincidentally, "Muppet Lady and the Sentient Puff of Dust that Promotes Fossil Fuels" is the number one kids' show in Japan.


* WOOP! WOOP! SOUND THE ALARM! Trinity Taylor has gotten interesting! Yes, after two weeks of sort of just "being there", the pageant queen has sashayed her way to being this week's newest BCOF, with Princess Aquapussy and her moustachioed sidekick "Stanky the Starfish" being both great to look at and actually funny.

 Cute as a button with just the right amount of dirty (so, like, a button you dropped in the mud).


With the runway finished, it's time for the judging.

* Peppermint reveals that her fire-themed costume was inspired by a traumatic childhood memory of the time she almost burned her kitchen down as a teenager.

Kimora's costume was also inspired by a teenage memory, but we can't discuss that in a public forum.


* It seems the judges are impressed with Petey the Pilot Light.

"I love when someone takes an inanimate object and makes a character out of it," says Toad of Toad Hall.

"Why thank you," says RuPaul.


Valentina gets the usual harsh critique, with Cayenne Pepper telling her she looks like 90s supermodel Linda Evangelista:





That's Valentina on the left.


* "Every year Michelle and Ru tell people you can't come out here with a piece of fabric wrapped around your waist," Toad of Toad Hall tells Farrah Moan.

"And I'm no seamstress, but..."

"Neither am I, you dipshit, THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM."


* Carson tells Kimora she didn't really sell him on what her Princess was.

"Um, what part of 'Princess Banana Lady' do you not understand?"


* "You seemed like you just couldn't wait for it to be over," says Cayenne Hot Stuff.

This is not a sentence he has ever had to utter before.


* In an effort to explain why she tried to win a challenge by licking a paper banana and acting like a robotic monkey Kimora launches into a whole sob story about how she usually wears a breastplate and pads and now she's not, and it's causing her deep psychological trauma and she's finding it really hard and...

Fig 31: A practical demonstration of "not having it".


* Meanwhile, La Visage criticises Kimora for being "robotic", which is ironic coming from someone who literally can't turn her head to the side.

Michelle's other job is working as a metronome for piano students.


* Cayenne Spicy McSpicerson tells Trinity Taylor that her "Aquapussy" reminds him of James Bond, and does an impression of Sean Connery, and...

Please excuse me a minute.


* Carson says he liked Farrah's blowjob but he was left unsatisfied. Sorry no wait, her blow FISH.

At least, I think that's what he said.


Cayenne Pepper wasn't impressed either, saying Farrah Moan was "a huge, giant miss".

"I am not a giant miss! I'm a very thin miss!"


* "I literally had no clue what was going on tonight," says Michelle Visage, which is nice for her to finally admit. Except it turns out she's talking about Aja's princess story.

"She's a volcano, she's from Brooklyn, she's from Bed-Stuy, she's banjee, she's just going to the club to go hang out with her little clouds and stuff," says Aja which sounds less like an explanation and more like a stroke victim struggling to form a coherent sentence.

"Purple monkey dishwasher innertube!"

* RuPaul says she can't understand why Aja was wearing chaps if she was supposed to be a volcano.

Girl, she looks like Carrot Top's inbred half sister, none of this shit makes sense.


* Toad of Toad Hall praises Trinity for interacting with her starfish on stage, which is coincidentally also something she does in her late, late night shows if you slip her an extra $20.

There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge, which this week is an old dumpster in the parking lot with some plastic garden chairs propped up inside. It's the nicest dressing room Eureka's ever had.

Because they can't give Valentina the grand prize every week, Trinity Taylor is named the winner and awarded a swag of prizes including a half-used bottle of Febreze, a recording of Cayenne Pepper saying "Aquapussy" to use as her ringtone, and a copy of Jasmine Masters' new autobiography "I Have Something to Say".

Kimora Blac and Aja are declared the worst of the night, and everyone pretends to be shocked that Farrah Moan is safe because of the whole "glueing stuff to a bikini and wrapping fabric around your waist" scandal.

But girl, if you can wrap a bit of cheap fabric around your waist and stick some dead fish in your hair and look this good, you deserve to stay.

And so Kimora "Banana Lady" Blac and A "Banjee Brooklyn Volcano with Cloud Friends" Ja go head to head in a lip sync which this week is to epic 80s disco rock anthem "Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler.

Kimora's butt starts out strong:

She's holding out for some pants.


If only her butt could lip sync, because Kimora's mouth sure can't.

She normally pays people to lip sync for her.


But frankly it doesn't matter what Kimora's singing, because no one's watching her anyway - all eyes are on Aja the banjee volcano who is erupting all over the place and kicking much arse.

And just when Kimora is getting the hang of the chorus, Aja does this:

POW.

And it's game, set, match.

"Aja, shantay you stay," says RuPaul.

She's holding out for a hairdo til the end of the night.


And so Kimora grabs her banana and sashays away.

Any last adje-tives, Kimmy?

"Lip syncing is for ugly girls."

That's it for this week, kids!

Is now a good time to tell you that... I won't be doing any more of these for approximately six weeks because I'm going on holidays?

Sorry.

Yes, I am going to the fair city of NEW YORK on holidays, so instead of sitting around until 2am blogging about Drag Race I'm just going to go out and watch it at a bar or something (NYC queens - suggestions please!).

Sorry about that. Blame RuPaul for airing this season so late.

So join me back here in like, a month? Or go back and READ EPISODE TWO again, over and over, for six weeks until I return.

Don't forget you can also READ MY SEASON EIGHT RECAPS  or READ MY SEASON SEVEN RECAPS.

Or for something different there's my BACHELOR AUSTRALIA RECAPS and heaps more stuff - just click the "categories" button over there on the right.



16 comments :

  1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Don't. Go.

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  2. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo indeed!!!!!

    Hilarious as always, I fuckin' love you!!! I died with Michelle-the-metronome and Cayenne Pepper!

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  3. West End lounge!!! (107th& West End)

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  4. Albatross is pretty good, if you're near astoria

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  5. Sorry to be so unoriginal but Nooooooooooooooooo!

    Have a good time in New York.

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  6. Cheyenne Jackson looks more like security than a prince. Love Todrick Hall's costume.

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  7. That GIF of Kimora is errthhnn!!! :D

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  8. That damn monkey sidekick really did give me nightmares. It was horrifying!

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  9. OK NOW YOU NEED TO BE BACK!!

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  10. When when when are you doing the next recap? Maybe we can all give you money to do it. You give us LIOFE so maybe we can repay via Paypal.

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  11. Oh my gosh, this is an idea. Maybe I should set up a Patreon...?

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  12. Yes. Yes a Patreon is a good idea yes

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  13. I know all the fish on reddit would totally get on board a Patreon for your amazing recaps. I say do it!

    ReplyDelete