Saturday, February 10, 2018

RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 2

We rejoin our queens in the Werq Room where everyone is pretending to be upset that Morgan McMichaels has gone home.

Working particularly hard at achieving this illusion is Ben De La Creme, who actually sent her there.

"It's like, not winning. It feels really bad," she wails.

"Wait - this is the acting challenge, right?"


Little do they know that Morgan hasn't gone home at all but has actually been whisked off somewhere by the creepy handmaids to prepare for her probable "Ru-venge".

She's just in a quaratined area backstage, doing this.

"Well I just want you to know that you didn't make the wrong decision," says runner-up eliminee Chi Chi.

Everyone agrees.

"Mmm."


"Mmmmmmm."


"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."


"Mmmmmm! Wait, sorry, what are we doing?"

Suddenly over in the corner Shangela erupts into a loud monologue about Game of Thrones for no discernbile reason.

"I AM THE DANAERYS TARGARYEN OF DRAG, SHANGELA STORMBORN, BABY I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS, I AM THE BREAKER OF CHAINS!" she yells.

Meanwhile, watching at home is the Jon Snow of drag:

She knows nothing.

And the Reek of drag:

This screenshot sponsored by the United Vegeterians Front.

And:

Hodor.

Ok so doobly doo, wavy lines and all that crap and suddenly it's the next day in the Werk Room where...

Wait.

Hold up.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Mood Fabrics is a sponsor now? What are they sponsoring? Maybe they're providing the charming brick print fabric that's pretending to be the walls. Or the thin layer of gauze that separates Kennedy from reality.

Oh by the way just casually, is now a good time to point out that I WENT TO MOOD LAST YEAR AND MET SWATCH THE PROJECT RUNWAY DOG?

He was fat and nuggety and licky and snorty and basically the best, so yes, you can be jealous if you wish, that's totally appropriate.

Anyway we're back in the Werk Room and everyone's standing around reliving the last 24 hours because what else is there to talk about.

"The variety show was, I thought, amazing. I had no idea who was going to be in the bottom," says Milk.

As a reminder:

Yeah, we all knew.


BREAKING: More exclusive footage of Chi Chi's rehearsals:

Such elegance, such grace.


Also, not to harp on, but:

WHY DIDN'T SHE DO THIS FOR THE VARIETY SHOW?


Milk is obviously lying to be diplomatic.

Unfortunately Chi Chi thinks diplomacy is a body of water somewhere on the other side of the world, so launches into an attack.

"I just felt like there really wasn't that much talent there besides that it was your original song," she tells Milk.

Coincidentally, this is the exact same response The Beatles got when they were starting out.


Before Milk has a chance to explain just how talented her roll of velcro is, "SHEEUNDRESSINBANANASSS!" rings out across the Werq Room, and everyone dutifully trots over to the centre of the studio to stare up at a stain on the ceiling they're pretending is a TV this week.

"Blah blah blah no one cares about this bit why do we keep doing it it's so pointless," reads the underpaid producer who thought it would be fun and a great opportunity to be the stand-in for the video of RuPaul that gets cut in in the editing suite, but actually just finds it to be a weekly reminder of how little his career has progressed since he left school.

Suddenly the Mood TM brick walls quiver, the large piece of painted cardboard everyone has been agreeing to pretend is an actual door for 12 seasons flies open and in walks a giant Magic Eye puzzle.

If you squint, you can see a man.


"We're throwing our very own VH1 Divas Live!" announces RuPaul, at which point all the queens immediately lose their minds.

Either they're excited by this challenge, or they've all just solved the Magic Eye on Ru's crotch at the same time.

I've never heard of VH1 Divas Live (frankly, it sounds like a type of organic milk product) but apparently it involves all the queens dressing up as various singing stars and lip syncing to their hit songs.

If only there was someone on the show who could give them some advice on that...

So, who's who?

Milk - that tall, pale thing that looks vaguely like a horse - will be Celine Dion.

Solid choice.

Kennedy will be Janet Jackson.

Yeah, I see it

Trixie will be Aretha Franklin.

Nah just kidding, she's Dolly Parton.

She knows it.

Shangela will be Mariah Carey.

Yeah, the resemblance isn't quite so good here...

"Thorgy, you'll be Stevie Nicks," announces RuPaul.

Meanwhile, everyone under 35 is like:

"I thought they had to dress up as women?"


"Aja, you'll be be Amy Winehouse," he continues.


Meanwhile, watching at home...


Rounding out this dog's breakfast of a concert is Ben De La Creme as Dame Julie Andrews, Chi Chi as Patti Labelle, and Bebe as Diana Ross, meaning she literally just has to strap on a wig and glide around the stage and RuPaul will probably give her the crown.

Speaking of dog's breakfast, meet this episode's self-declared underdog, Thorgy Thor.

"There is no way, because I'm Stevie, I'm ever going to win this," she says.

"I'm trying hard not to be a conspiracy theorist, but I feel like I'm being set up to fail."

Hey Thorgy, are you happy about getting Stevie Nicks?

Cool just checking.


Over in the other corner Milk is telling everyone how she is going to be the best because she once did an impersonation of Celine Dion in front of "the guy who was the event planner at her wedding" and he didn't boo her or throw a bottle at her head or whatever.

No one tells her that's just called "being polite".

Whatever her Celine impression skills are, I sincerely hope that a future episode gives Milk the chance to do "1960s TV Show Eleganza" because she would totally nail it:

Although maybe she'd have to do Lady Penelope instead...

With characters assigned and duly complained about it's finally time to rehearse, so everyone heads to the runway to meet Toad of Toad Hall for a run-through.

Wanting to make him feel at home so far away from the Wild Wood, Shangela comes dressed as somebody gradually exiting a bear:



Possibly the same bear that recently ate Aja's knees:

She's actually just worn them out from so much... praying.

VH1 DIVAS WHATEVER IT IS REHEARSAL IN A NUTSHELL:


  • Toad of Toad Hall tells Thorgy he's not going to give her much choreography. Coupled with the total lack of jokes in her song lyrics, this Stevie Nicks performance is shaping up to be on par with the time Fleetwood Mac accidentally snorted temazepam.
  • Aja announces she would have been a better Stevie Nicks than Thorgy, because she would have seized on the apparent rumour that Stevie was a witch.

    "I would have came out with a pot, a broom, with a wand like WOO!" she shrieks.

    Uh yeah, sounds cool. Can't wait to see her literal take on Amy Winehouse.

"I drank the wine."

  • "Hey you're not the only one who can be literal around here!" yells Milk.
"I'm throwing shade!"

  • Toad of Toad Hall tells Ben De La Creme to do her Julie Andrews with "a mixture of swag and pixie dust", which sounds like whatever the kids moved onto after Crokodil stopped being cool.
  • "Walk one, two, three and four and touch your vagina with one hand," instructs Toad, who clearly has a different understanding of the work of Julie Andrews than I do.
  • Meanwhile Thorgy is still trying to work out how to entertain the judges armed with nothing but a blonde wig and a lame instrument.
"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

  • "I need to stand out amongst all this talent, but how do you stand out as Stevie Nicks?" Thorgy moans.

    Hey Thorgy, just checking back in - are you happy with how this challenge is progressing?

Thought so.

  • Meanwhile forget Stevie: Thorgy's impression of Bebe doing an impression of Diana Ross should be her Snatch Game entry.
It's like a Twister mat came to life and became a women's studies major.


But enough of this fancy footwork and Fleetwood Mackery...

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

  • This week's theme is "Rudemption", where the queens get to revamp their worst runway fails from their Drag Race season.

    This is a great idea in theory, if there's any time left after Shangela has had her go.
She has quite a backlog to choose from.

  • Speaking of Shangela, she's feeling extra pressure, because Vanessa Williams is this week's celebrity guest judge.

    "Not only is this a look that I failed at last time, but Vanessa Williams was the judge of the fail that I'm redoing today!" she shrieks, as everyone freaks out about how critical Vanessa Williams is going to be if Shangela's outfit isn't exactly up to scratch.

    Meanwhile, backstage:
"Who?"

  • In keeping with the theme of the day, RuPaul revamps her iconic "Project Runway" look...
Aka "Project Scare Away".

...but sadly the results aren't that successful:

Well they can't all be winners.

  • But before we get to the runway show we have to endure the VO5 Divas Eleganza Whatever The Hell, which turns out to be a five minute lip sync performance set to a medley of RuPaul songs as interpreted by celebrity "voice-alikes". And by "voice-alike", I mean "Hey, can you sing like Janet Jackson?" "Janet who?" "You're hired."
  • First up is Milk who is a dead ringer for Celine Dion, if Celine Dion were actually dead.


And previously used her face to ring bells.


  • Apparently this is a very true-to-life recreation of what Celine Dion wore to the Met Gala in 2017, which is a really great choice of costume here because it's not funny and literally no one remembers it.
  • Speaking of literal: Milk is performing RuPaul's Peanut Butter, and so has decided to wear a jar of peanut butter around her neck. Ha. Ha. Ha. 

"I'M THROWING ACTUAL SHADE!"


  • Moving on to Kennedy Davenport as Janet Jackson, aka T-Boz in a rejected outfit from the No Scrubs video.


Ben is all of us.


  • Faring much better is Aja as Amy Winehouse:

Not that anyone is looking at her.

  • Out comes Chi Chi as Patti LaBelle and it quickly becomes clear that she hasn't updated her "dancing like a drunk dickhead" runway strategy from episode one:

If this is how Patti LaBelle performs it's no wonder she moved into pies.



  • Oh my, how embarrassing, Trixie forgot her costume and she's just come as herself and... oh, no wait. She's Dolly Parton.

RIGGED.


  • Honestly though, Trixie is great here and totally adorable and her lip syncing is PERFECT and she gets full marks from me.
  • Next is Shangela lip syncing to Mariah Carey as voiced by someone who has clearly never heard Mariah Carey speak, ever. It actually sounds like Alaska doing an impression of Lady Gaga on helium.
  • Fortunately Shangela's look is... OK?

I don't know her.

  • Moving on to Thorgy Thor with what is a near perfect Stevie Nicks impression and, it has to be said, the only song so far to resemble actual music.
I mean it's verging on Babadook but it's OK, right?

  • Predictably all the judges are shown making "huh?" faces as though Thorgy is just standing there pointing at a sign saying "I'm Stevie Nicks", because they've set this storyline up and dammit, they're gonna RIDE IT RIGHT ON HOME.
  • To recap:
The judges during Shangela's performance.


The judges during Thorgy's performance.

  • "And now here's Julie Andrews," announces Thorgy.

    "Hello Ru, it's Julie Andrews!" declares Ben De La Creme.
"GET ON WITH IT!"

  • Terrible script notwithstanding, Ben De La Creme does a totally brilliant job of Julie Andrews rapping RuPaul's ridiculous Call Me Mother, such that I am now much more aware of lyrics like "titties so plentiful, fishy queen jezebel" and frankly life was better before.

I'm not quite sure what she's saying here...

  • And finally it's Bebe Zahara Benet as Latrice Royale:
Nailed it.

  • Moving on to the fashion runway, and first up it's Milk redoing her "Crazy, Sexy, Cool" look from season six. Given she dressed as a meth addicted rabbit the first time around anything would be an improvement, but the revamped outfit makes her look like Margaret Thatcher going to an art gallery fundraiser so it's a no from me.

I have no idea how these two looks work together, or why everyone keeps steadfastly refusing to reference TLC.

  • Next up is Aja, redoing her "Princess Disastah" look from season nine. This time instead of looking like Ronald McDonald's drug addicted cousin from the drop-in centre, she looks like Ronald McDonald's younger sister going to her quinceanera.
I guess this is an improvement.


  • Moving right along to Chi Chi De Vayne who has revamped her "what if Rihanna were a cheap Las Vegas hooker" outfit from season eight as "what if I were garotted five seconds before I walked out on the runway":

Someone get her a bandaid.


  • And here's Trixie Mattel, revamping season seven's "Ugliest Dress in the World" as... the ugliest dress in the world. But more pink.

The "fashion fail" is on the right. I think.


  • Next up is Kennedy Davenport with her "Death Becomes Her" look from season seven, when she had to dress as a glamorous representation of death but instead came as a prostitute chicken that "crystallised" after being set on fire by an angry client. I'm not joking.

And now she's sponsored by KFC.


  • But just when you think shit can't get any weirder, Kennedy actually crystallises and I'M the one who is dead:

"I didn’t die, bitch, I crystallised, and now I’m a Glamazon bitch ready for the runway!"


  • Meanwhile:

OK girl, we get it. You like to bedazzle your face.


  • Then there's Thorgy Thor, who has chosen to take her neon mini dress from season eight and reimagine it as a ball gown with a small peninsula stuck to her head, because why not.


Redefining the flat top for a new generation.


  • Next up is Ben De La Creme whose fresh take on her "dripping in jewels" outfit from season six involves actually putting some jewels on her costume this time.

Revolutionary.

  • Next is Bebe Zahara Benet, reprising her entrance look from season one. They didn't really show a good image of her original look in the episode, but I found a picture of it:

And people say the season one filter was too strong.

  • Anyway who cares what she looked like in season one because BAM:

So many pleather cows had to die for this outfit, and it was worth it.

  • And finally here comes Shangela, who has either redone her "Christmas Eleganza" look from season three, or has been quarantined in an oxygenated bubble after suffering from an aggressive outbreak of herpes.
Still, anything's better than looking like a marshmallow with a mullet. 

  • Despite doing the world's worst Celine Dion impression and turning up to the runway looking like a dead former Prime Minister, Milk is declared safe. And she is thrilled.

This Milk's gone sour.

  • Vanessa Williams tells Kennedy she could have worked harder to make her Janet choreography "really crisp".
"Bitch I had CRYSTALLISED how crispy do I need to get?"
  • "I loved your runway look - I loved the covered face," Carson tells Kennedy in what appears to be accidental but nonetheless Full Throttle Maximum Impact Shade.
  • Not to be outdone, Michelle describes Chi Chi's look as a "neon challenge".
  • Carson tells Shangela her original fashion fail was like Beyonce, but her new look is Beyonce. Everyone nods and pretends this makes sense.
  • Toad of Toad Hall praises Shangela for doing her entire variety show rehearsal in character as Mariah Carey, which is funny because I seem to remember the entire rehearsal segment being about how everyone was thoroughly annoyed by that "unprofessional" behaviour. Oh well, it was a whole 15 minutes ago, memory can play tricks on you like that.
  • Vanessa Williams tells Shangela she's a superstar.
Sadly she doesn't hear her, as her earmuffs are picking up the racing results.


  • Michelle tells Thorgy her Stevie Nicks impression was "Thorgy with a blonde wig on", which if nothing else at least demonstrates a basic understanding of how costumes work.
  • Carson suffers a minor aneurysm, forgets he's judging a drag competition, tells Thorgy her makeup wasn't enough like Stevie Nicks' real actual makeup in real life.
  • "You're all All Stars, honestly, we have to pick up on the slightest infraction on the challenge," RuPaul tells Thorgy.
Sure Jan.
  • Breaking news: I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
  • RuPaul congratulates Ben De La Creme on her performance of Call Me Mother, admitting "I don't even know the lyrics".

    "It took me five days to record that song," she says.
Well I guess we now have an explanation for this.



  • Everyone praises Bebe for her Diana Ross impression because she "didn't do much".

    Hey Thorgy, is that fair?

Thought not.

Shangela and Ben De La Creme are declared the winners, each taking home a glittering prize pack containing a half-used Chapstick, a beer can Sharon Needles once used as an ashtray and a copy of Manila Luzon's latest CD single, which can also be used as an ashtray.

Kennedy Davenport and Thorgy Thor are declared the worst of the week, and Thorgy immediately begins her campaign to not be eliminated by bursting into tears.

Sadly for her Milk beats her to it.

"I WAS SO EXCITED TO GET UP THERE AND HEAR WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF MY PERFORMANCE, I WANT THEM TO CONGRATULATE ME," she wails.

"TO BE STANDING ON THAT STAGE AND NOT BE COMMENDED FOR IT, IT'S STUPID!"

TFW no one recognises your artistic genius even though you wore a jar of peanut butter around your neck.

Insert joke about crying over spilled Milk here.

Realising she needs a new strategy, Thorgy tries to strike a deal with Shangela by offering to make an alliance. It's a good idea, but sadly no one can hear her over her eyebrows.

Whore wore it best?

"If you pick me I can't tell how I'm going to react," she says.

I reckon a bit like this.


Over in the other corner Kennedy is pleading her case with Ben De La.

"I don't make excuses, I'm very transparent," she says.

I think she means "translucent".

Meanwhile, back over on the judging panel:

Probably best not to ask.


Yes, definitely best not to ask.

Meanwhile, watching at home:


OK, things have gotten weird enough.

Thank god it's time for the lip sync, which this week is to the Pointer Sisters' Jump (For My Love).

"What are they pointing at though?"

Both on their way to a "Whitest Things in the World" fancy dress party straight after the episode, Shangela has come dressed as a tube of Macleans Triple Action Minty Stripe, while De La has come as Michelle Visage at her own funeral.

They've got the pointing thing down though.


There's lots of jumping, and pointing, and it's all extremely literal until...

...it gets even more literal.

Realising she's being upstaged Ben De La looks around desperately for a trampoline or pogo stick but instead has to settle for ripping her skirt off and copying Shangela's moves in a spontaneous vaudevillean gag act.

It's an inspired decision, but alas, early 20th century comedy stylings are no match for a skipping rope and spandex gold undies, so Shangela takes the win.

The question remains: will Shangela, the Daenerys Targaryen of drag, actually prove herself to be the Cersei Lannister of drag by sending home Thorgy after forging plans for an alliance?

Yep.

It's a swift and unexpected blow for Thorgy, who thought she was in with Shangela to the end, like Daenerys and her dragons.

I mean, she even dressed the part.

Bonus: the studio is now pleasingly sheep and goat free.


Defeated and depressed, Thorgy heads back to the Werq Room to leave a farewell note on the mirror for the other queens.

Fortunately she's not bitter at all, so it's a really heartfelt message.

She's even drawn a rocket ship, showing how she loves Shangela to the moon and back! How sweet.

Well, I guess that's it for this week. Make sure to come back next time for episode three when...

Oh.

This shit again.

I hope they've been remembering to feed Chad and Alaska in between episodes.

We're done here - time to go on and READ EPISODE THREE. Or you can go back and READ EPISODE ONE again - it might be funnier this time.



5 comments :

  1. Okay you win, this one was really funny. Though if I had to nitpick, you spelt Stevie Nicks wrong at the beginning, and the lack of gagging at Aja's revamped look is inexcusable but other than that I really liked it.

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  2. Ahhh, thank you! I can't wait for episode theth!

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  3. Milk's runway re-do was totally a Miss Fame look. Should have had a couple of pieces of tape at the temples.

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  4. Love the All Star seasons! Hope this show goes on forever!

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