Sunday, February 18, 2018

RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 3

We rejoin the queens in the Werk Room, fresh from Thorgy's beheading at the hands of Danaerys Targaryen Cersei Lannister I'm super over this Game of Thrones analogy now can we stop it please Shangela.

As always there's a post-elimination scandal brewing, but strangely it's not the most obvious one (ie: how Milk managed to get away with murdering both Celine Dion AND fashion in the last episode and live to tell the tale).

No, it's about the willy Thorgy drew on the mirror before she left.


"No no no, that ain't right. At all," declares Kennedy in her best Good Christian Woman voice.

"I don't hold it against her," says Shangela.

"I DO," retorts Kennedy.

So I guess, let it be known that Kennedy will hold a willy against Thorgy if required.

Speaking of dicks, here comes Milk.

"I find Thorgy's concepts in her looks much more exciting," she declares, adding that she would have chosen to eliminate Kennedy if she'd had the chance.

"I mean let's just not sit here and act like I didn't do shit to deserve to be called," snaps Kennedy, who may well be experiencing the first symptoms of a stroke.

The other signs are a strange facial rash, and irritability.

"If I'm not your cup of tea then don't drink it, Miss Milk," says Kennedy in what starts out as a pretty solid burn but ends up being a fairly confusing beverage analogy.

And so there we have it, it's Milk versus Kennedy - gee I wonder who will end up in a runway conflict later on? LET'S WAIT AND SEE.

Doobly doo wavy lines more doobly doo etc and it's the next day in the Werq Room where all the queens have decided to solve the problem of Ben De La Creme winning everything by murdering her.

Happily, this also means lunch is sorted for the day.

"Now the stuffing's in I just have to tie her legs together... Has anyone got an apple to stick in her mouth?"

But before Chi Chi can get Ben's back fat nicely scored and studded with cloves, a familiar sound rings across the studio floor:

"SEESAWSINHELLARECURSED!"

Everyone walks over to the middle of the room to stare at an arbitrary point on the wall (the old pizza box that was nailed there had to be thrown out after being attacked by rats) while a producer reads out RuPaul's script over a Tannoy to cover for the fact that he's running late.

"If our relationship is going to go to the next level, I'm going to need you to open up - ROSEBUD," reads the producer.

So either this challenge involves re re-enacting Citizen Kane or doing an ad for KY jelly. I sincerely hope it's a combination of both.

I'm not sure if she's reacting to this announcement or just seen what's behind her.

Suddenly there's a loud whooshing noise and the studio floor begins to shake, sending all the discount diamantes flying off the Mood Fabrics 50% off rack.

"Great, now what am I gonna wear this week?"

Kennedy drops to her knees, pulls a bible out of her wig and starts praying, but her holy incantations accidentally resurrect Ben De La Creme, who awakens to find herself slathered in olive oil and her pants stuffed with garlic.

"Wait, is it Tuesday again already?" she exclaims.

Just then the door at the top of the stairs flies open and in walks a tastefully decorated bathroom.

I just LOVE these tiles, we got them from this gorgeous little bazaar in Morocco...

After showing everyone how to use his hands-free sensor-operated faucet, RuPaul tells everyone they're going to star in a new TV dating show called "The Bitchelor".

See, it's like The Bachelor, but with "bitch" in it, so it's funny, right? Are you sure you get it? But really, though?

"You'll be doing unscripted comedy scenes," begins RuPaul.

Noted improv comedy talent Chi Chi knows she has this in the bag.

Everyone gets assigned a character type: Bebe is the "shy virgin", and immediately decides to be an "African princess".

"In our culture you have to be married to be able to, you know... you have to be married to be able to have, er..." she stammers.

Thankfully Ben De La Creme is on hand to translate.


She's also available for school bookings.

"I think what they're going to be looking for in here is like, being so over the top with it," says Ben.

"It's hard to go extreme virgin," says Bebe.

"Extreme virgin? Has someone been looking at my browser history again?"

Over on the other side of the room Aja is discussing how best to convey her character of the "needy girl".

"I want my character to be so fucking crazy," she says.

"She's so insecure, she becomes crazy. Crazy and needy."

Meanwhile Milk's like:

"Need any tips?"

Actually Milk doesn't have any time to help others act crazy, she's too busy perfecting her own craziness to play the role of "the psycho stalker".

"It's sort of an easy transition into this role for me, because before I started dating my boyfriend I stalked him on Myspace," she says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"On what?"

In the other corner are Shangela and Chi Chi, who have been paired up as a "polyamorous couple".

Faced with the prospect of pretending to be a lesbian for a day, Chi Chi tries out some method acting.

"Is this how they do it?"

With rehearsals over it's time to hit the studio and meet their Bachelor... I mean Bitchelor... look, whatever he is, he's very handsome and charming, so the whole Bachelor parody is already way off the mark.

Please make this a real show. And cast me in it.

Enter RuPaul as the host, who single handedly wins the whole comedy challenge in the first 30 seconds by doing this:


And this:


Which, to be fair, are the same faces I made when I saw Jeffrey too.

Sadly Drag Race rules prohibit RuPaul from taking home his own trophy, so we're forced to endure Bebe Zahara Benet doing her rendition of "Shy African Princess #1" from Coming to America.

"I'm still a virgin - I have a special flower," she giggles.

"Maybe I can take a little sniff later," says Jeffrey.

ME.

Bebe is about as funny as a fart in a handbag, so thank god she's quickly pushed out of the way by Ben De La Creme in character as "hilarious and charming and the best at everything and most likely to win this whole season".

Oh no wait, actually her character is "the cougar", which she plays as a sort of ageing Britney-Spears-meets-Tan-Mom-meets-Jennifer-Coolidge-at-3am kind of deal.

"I'm not a normal mom, I'm a cool mom!"

Their double date with Jeffrey goes about as well as anyone could expect, with Bebe giggling and trying to make jokes about obscure African customs while BenDeLa steals the entire segment, show, series and my heart by drinking a whole bottle of vodka and gnawing on a banana.

Meanwhile Ben's Grindr inbox just went into meltdown.

While DeLa is slapping sausages on her face and rubbing bananas all over her chest, Bebe has nothing left to do but this:

Bebe speaks for all of us.

WINNER: Ben, hands down. (Her pants.)

Moving along to Aja, who has somehow interpreted the character of "needy girl" as "Paris Hilton off her anti-depressants", and spends her entire date with Jeffrey wailing about whatever comes into her head.

"I'm totally going to win an Emmy for this."

Much better is Kennedy as "the party girl", otherwise known as "Maury audience member".

"Jeffrey, you ARE the father!"

"What's your favourite part of my body?" Jeffrey asks.

"Your EVERYTHING," gasps Aja.

Kennedy wins.

WINNER: Kennedy. Duh.

Then there's Trixie as "the fake bitch", who basically just acts like Trixie and is therefore excellent.

When you tell your friends you can get them in the club for free but the bouncer won't play.

She's accompanied by Milk, who has totally nailed the character of "mentally deficient bird watcher".

Which is a pity because she was actually supposed to be doing "psycho stalker".

Their date with Jeffrey comprises of Trixie trying to land punchlines while Milk is screaming.

It's a bit like this:


But with worse comedic timing.

WINNER: No one. We are all losers. Burn this episode to the ground and salt the earth.

And finally there's our "polyamorous duo", with Shangela as a No Romance Without Finance type of lipstick lesbian desperate to get her bimbo wife Chi Chi pregnant by Jeffrey.

They're next up on Maury, after Kennedy reveals who her babydaddy is.

"Chi Chi likes a big head," says Shangela, measuring Jeffrey's skull.

"How is your head by the way?" Jeffrey asks.

"Oh, you have to ask my wife," says Chi Chi.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"What?"

Their date sees them jump in a hot tub with Jeffrey which, look, thank you producers.

Thank you very much.

Shangela sets her comedy-o-matic to full throttle and goes for broke, diving under the bubbles and cracking jokes while Chi Chi sits there looking like her Xanax has just kicked in.

"I haven't seen something that big and black in the water since I went to Sea World," Shangela exclaims, bursting out of the water with a snorkel on.

Meanwhile Chi Chi is like:

Yes Chi Chi. Good girl, Chi Chi.

WINNER: Normally I'd say Shangela, but Chi Chi did seize the opportunity to kiss Jeffrey's nipples so obvously she's the real winner today.

With the dates over and everyone determined to be totally awful, Jeffrey ignores all the queens and gives his eggplant to RuPaul, which I think is a thing the kids are doing these days. It's great to see healthy eating finally being cool - thanks Michelle Obama!

Aubergine she better don't!

And so as Jeffrey carries RuPaul over the threshold, we head to the runway - and not a moment too soon...

Actual footage of me trying to get through this episode.

This week's runway theme is, as Trixie informs us, "wigs on wigs on wigs - as inspired by Roxxxy Andrews".

Which is probably better than the original tribute to Roxxxy Andrews: bus stop fashion.

Speaking of Trixie, she's yet to score a win (like, ever) and is feeling insecure about her position on the show.

"In the real world I'm a Beyonce, but in the Drag Race world I'm just a Latavia," she says.

Meanwhile, watching at home:

"At least Beyonce knows who I am."

Someone having zero doubts about their skills whatsoever is Milk, who is misguidedly preparing for a win after a solid afternoon of upstaging Trixie, Jeffrey and everything within a three mile radius.

"I thought I killed it," she declares.

If she's describing her effect on the comedy then yes, she killed it.

Speaking of Milk, wasn't she having some sort of a thing with Kennedy earlier on?

I wonder if that's still going?

Spoiler: it is.

Obviously this fight between Kennedy and Milk - which stemmed from Thorgy drawing a dick on the mirror, you may recall - is totally real and not just a convenient hook the producers have latched onto to find a dramatic end to the episode or anything, so it's all very believeable.

But whatever her plans for dealing with Milk, I am certainly intrigued by Kennedy's runway strategy:

I'm not sure, but I think the Australian closed caption writers may be having trouble with Kennedy's southern drawl.

But enough of all this.

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!


  • RuPaul looks... bloody brilliant. I'm sorry, there's nothing funny to be said here, she looks really incredible.

This is what five minutes alone with Jeffrey and an eggplant can do for a girl.


  • Fortunately the same cannot be said for Michelle Visage, who has come straight from rehearsal for the West Pasadena Amateur Players' upcoming all-female version of Grease, in which she is playing Putzie.

In this version though it's "Titsie".


  • Ross Mathews is also in the show, he's playing a picnic rug that Sandy and Danny Zuco (Daniella) snuggle under at the drive-in.

So cosy.

  • First down the runway is Ben De La Creme, who pulls off a black beehive wig to reveal a three foot long silky black Cher wig, and then rips off her skirt to reveal the mother of all overgrown bikini lines:

Hair she is!

  • Moving on to Bebe Zahara Benet, who saunters out in a Japanese geisha costume and carefully fiddles with her hairline in what is a truly spectacular moment of theatre.

Any minute now...

  • While Bebe is struggling with her wig out bounds Trixie Mattel, who looks like something Jim Henson might have dreamed up after a particularly potent acid trip:

The illegitimate lovechild of Big Bird and Snuffelupagus.


  • Then she takes off her wig and it's like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle grew up and became a serial killing transsexual circus clown.

Not sure that was the look Trixie was going for tbh.


  • Meanwhile, now we all know which of the queens is the best to travel with:

Milk, because she always brings the Wet Wipes.


  • Moving on to Aja, who looks like Polly Pocket came to life and dropped ecstasy:

Molly Pocket?


  • She rips off the life jacket wig to reveal a cute blonde wig, and it's great, and her outfit is great, and she looks great and honestly it's the best she's ever looked so you know, well done Aja, and then...
OH MY GOD.


THREE WIGS?


BUT THAT'S UNPRECEDENTED!


WILL WE EVER STOP BEING IMPRESSED BY THIS RELATIVELY MUNDANE TRICK? NOT LIKELY!

  • Meanwhile, watching at home:
Never mind Roxxxy, what about all the other stuff you're famous for? Like... um...

  • Nek minit Kennedy's like
OH YEAH?


WELL COP 

THIS.

  • And then DAMN SON, here comes Chi Chi De Vayne looking like Disco Fever Volume IV just came to life, dropped a tab of acid and stomped on your face with a glitter platform:
I am mega jealous of her boogie.


  • Then she takes off the afro and BOOM, she's Disco Pocahontas:

So she's hot. But has she ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

  • Speaking of corn:

She's so a-peeling.


  • Dressed as a corn cob, for some reason, Shangela rips off her husk to reveal...

Seaweed? With popcorn in it? Popcorn salad? Girl have you ever seen cornsilk, it ain't green.


  • Meanwhile:
Who wore it best?
  • Special guest judge Constance Zimmer Frame says she loved De La's performance in The Bitchelor because of her layers.
I thought the whole point was that she didn't have ENOUGH layers, tbh.



  • Michelle says she keeps waiting for De La's balls to drop and they haven't yet. 
I thought the whole point was that she didn't... OK never mind.


  • Ross tells Trixie she was "being talked over a little bit" by Milk in her Bitchelor scene, is immediately handed the trophy for Understatement of the Year Award.
  • Constance tells Milk, a six foot five drag queen with facial glitter, a retractable three-foot pony tail and a dress made out of bicycle reflectors, that "less is more". Thanks Constance.
  • Aja says she wanted to portray her "needy" Bitchelor character as "Farrah Moan meets Kim Kardashian". It is quickly determined that Aja does not know what "needy" means, and may need some language assistance for future challenges.
  • "I didn't get needy from you at all. Needy is constantly needing somebody to be approving or tell you how beautiful you are," Michelle tells Aja.

    "Like 'please love me, please tell me I'm pretty', that kind of thing," adds Constance.

    Meanwhile, backstage:

"Is someone calling me?"

  • "From the teeth, to the tits to the ass, you were absolutely hilarious," Jeffrey tells Kennedy, which is coincidentally the exact same feedback Michelle Visage was given after her first audition for Seduction.
  • "If you're going to be a bottom, at least be a power bottom," Jeffrey tells Chi Chi, and I think we can all agree that comment needs no more context or explanation.
As appears to be tradition this season Ben De La Creme is crowned the winner for the third time running, and everyone else gives up and goes home because TRULY WHAT IS THE POINT.

No, not really. Kennedy Davenport is also declared the winner, and both queens receive a bottle of Snooki's new perfume "Boob Sweat", a fruit basket containing extra honeydew and a copy of Michelle Visage's book "The Diva Rules". So that's... nice... for them.

But for every top there must be a bottom, and this week there are three: Chi Chi, Aja and Milk.

OH HOLD UP.

WAIT.

DID YOU SAY KENNEDY IS ON TOP AND MILK IS ON THE BOTTOM?

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY KENNEDY MIGHT GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEND MILK HOME, MERE HOURS AFTER THEIR BIG, AS YET UNRESOLVED FIGHT?

Well isn't that something.

"Milk, you seem quiet, what's going through your head?" Ben asks.

Her ponytail, I think.

"I just did not see this coming at ALL," cries Milk.

"I thought Trixie and I had an amazing back and forth in The Bitchelor."

Meanwhile, everyone else is like:

"Oh really do tell us more."

Changing the subject, Bebe asks Kennedy and Ben whether they're going to have one-on-one chats with the bottom three queens to determine their vote.

"I decided not to - I'm just going to just make my own professional decision," says Kennedy.

TFW the ho you called basic unexpectedly has your future in her hands.

Sensing she may possibly have lost Kennedy's vote,  Milk charges at Ben De La Creme with a last ditch appeal for mercy.

"To be in the bottom three with two queens that didn't give 100 per cent, that were bulldozed by their scene partner - and then there's me," she gasps, apparently unaware that she was, in fact, the bulldozer in that equation, and that that isn't a good thing.

"The judges actually want me to continue in this competition. The other queens respect me and they want me to be here."

"Oh please, do go on."

Meanwhile, Chi Chi's already given up and is planning her post-All Stars vacation getaway.

Take me down to...

...where the grass is brown and everything's shitty!

But after all this sparkling conversation it's finally time.

Kennedy and Ben go off to cast their vote for the elimination, and it's a tough decision, especially for Kennedy.

Such a tough choice.

Meanwhile back at the judge's desk Michelle is telling everyone about the time she met Harvey Weinstein.

Not a single person made a joke about blowing in this segment and I'm extremely disappointed.

Sadly she doesn't get to finish her story because Ben and Kennedy take to the stage for their lip sync, which this week is to Lorde's Green Light.

"Why it gotta be green?"

It's moody, it's dark, it's tortured.

Literally tortured, in De La's case, as she whips her hair around and looks for a moment like a seal caught in kelp.

Less Lorde, more "Good lord what is that?"

Kennedy meanwhile goes for a more classic performance, giving some real Eartha-Kitt-don't-take-none-of-your-shit vibes.

Straight after this she's off to fight Batman.

In the end the choice is clear (mainly because they've set up this complicated battle narrative and really need to wrap it up): Kennedy is the winner.

OH GEE, I WONDER WHO SHE WILL VOTE FOR.

No one knows whether this is actually Kennedy's vote or just an old shopping list she found in her bra.

For some reason, everybody is shocked by this result, not least Trixie whose mouth is so agape she looks like a circus sideshow.

Well at least this way she'll get paid for getting balls stuck in her mouth.

"I will continue to make you proud, and I will do things that nobody else has ever done," declares Milk as she strides off stage, so please look forward to hearing about the first drag queen to cure cancer on Mars.

But wait, it's not over yet...

Tra la la.

OK, time to go on and READ EPISODE FOUR. Or you could always go back and READ EPISODE TWO again?



7 comments :

  1. �������� Dead.
    Am I the only one who doesn't love the two winner format? I get why they do it
    ...it's All Stars, they have different rules. I guess it also forces a queen to not only show one category of talent, but the classic lip syncing talent as well. But still, I miss the old format of the best queen winning. Ben to me should have won. If there have to be two winners, then sometimes (like in AS3EP4) the best of the worst is the second winner, instead of being the winner for truly excelling.

    This review made me laugh. Keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Am I the only one who doesn't love the two winner format?"
      Yes.

      Delete
  2. Ever wonderful recap as always xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bahahahahahaha '... it's like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle grew up and became a serial killing transsexual circus clown.' Perfect! Loving the recaps as always, xx @katiemelb

    ReplyDelete
  4. This was HILARIOUS!!! Glad you've got your shine back gurl!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bahahahahahaha '... it's like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle grew up and became a serial killing transsexual circus clown.' Perfect! Loving the recaps as always, Full Episode

    ReplyDelete