Sunday, February 18, 2018

RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars Episode Recap: Season 3, Episode 4

We're back in the Werq Room after Milk's elimination, and any hope the queens may have had for her gaining some humility through her eviction is smashed like a MAC concealer on a tiled floor when they see her farewell message on the mirror.



Sour Milk.

And for those of you who thought that analogy was a little too specific, yes you're right, and yes I am still feeling a little raw over it.

IT WAS BRAND NEW, GOD DAMMIT.

"Let me go on and say why I did what I did," Kennedy announces, as if it's not already completely obvious why she voted Milk out.

Not that you need to be a rocket scientist to solve this equation, but Milk being not great + Milk telling Kennedy she's basic = bye bye Milk.

"Like the judges, I was not enthused about Milk at all," she continues, which is a bit unfair because everyone knows Michelle Visage's lactose intolerance is genetic and has nothing to do with terrible acting.

Meanwhile Ben declares she would have voted for Chi Chi. No one is bothered.

Doobly doo wavy lines etc and all that crap and it's the next day in the Werq Room, where

WAIT WHAT NOW?

Where's the "SEEDLESSBUNSAREREALLYBADFORHER" siren call?

Where's the 30 seconds of pointless staring and grinning before Ru walks in the door and everyone pretends to be surprised?

Either the editors have suddenly gotten more efficient or they've been forced to slash the show by 20 minutes after losing their Mood sponsorship. Fabric is expensive, y'all.

Either way who cares, because this week's challenge is... THE SNATCH GAME!

For the uninitiated (why are you here?) this involves each queen impersonating a celebrity as part of a comedy game show with RuPaul as the host. Laughs are the only metric worth measuring, which is a pity becausde they're usually in short supply.

Still, competition should be strong this season, with two past Snatch Game winners on the panel.

There's Kennedy who won as Litle Richard:

Uncanny, I think you'll agree.

And BenDeLaCreme who won as Maggie Smith:

Having a stroke.


It's clear they'll have no problem romping it in again this year when Trixie announces she'll be doing RuPaul, something that has famously not gone down well for previous contestants.

Personally, I think Jessica Wilde nailed it in season two.

"Every time I do RuPaul in front of people they think it's hilarious," declares Trixie, who is as confident as someone on a reality TV show before everything goes wrong.

"It's gonna be great. I'm winning the challenge."

Even the wig isn't sure about this one.

Still, she might do better than Chi Chi, whose Maya Angelou appears to be her Season 8 Eartha Kitt impression but in an African headdress, and Bebe, whose Grace Jone seems to stop at a pair of pointy shoulder pads.

BenDeLaCreme meanwhile appears to be onto a winner with 1970s comedian Paul Lynde, something that will no doubt tickle RuPaul, who is famously obsessed with nostalgia.

Also, she's won so many times now she could probably show up in a burlap sack and shout "I'M OPRAH!" and the judges would love it.

Ben's runaway success is not lost on Trixie.

"I'm this horse, and I see this other horse miles ahead, and it's like, I'm never going to catch up," she despairs.

Well no wonder: horses don't run like that, Trixie.

Just as Trixie is grappling with the anatomy of racehorses (extra difficult, because she normally waits until Mondays to do that), there's a shriek from her station where Shangela is pointing at the wall.

"WHAT'S THIS?" Shangela cries.

It seems Trixie has hung up a farewell note from Thorgy that was somewhat uncomplimentary towards Shangela, and she is not happy.

GASP.

"I didn't write it," explains Trixie.

"But you hung it on the wall," snaps Shangela.

For all the millennials watching unfamiliar with the concept of pen and paper: this is like retweeting someone else's shade and then pointing to your profile description that says "RT DOES NOT EQUAL ENDORSEMENT".

Meanwhile can we all take a moment to marvel at how anyone managed to hang anything on those walls in the first place? What did she do, sew it there?

Anyway just as Shangela and Trixie are about to throw down the door at the top of the stairs springs open and in walks RuPaul with some guy he met on Tinder.

"I wasn't even trying to swipe right, I just got mayonnaise on my phone."

Actually it's fashion designer Marc Jacobs who is there for some reason to give his opinion on everyone's snatch.

I mean Snatch Game idea.

Look, none of this makes sense, let's just forge on, shall we?

"It is so exciting because I get to embody somebody else that is not necessarily me," Bebe tells Marc about impersonating Grace Jones, which if nothing else demonstrates a basic understanding of what acting is.

Also - "not necessarily"?

Is Grace Jones aware she MIGHT be Bebe Zahara Benet?

Moving on to Shangela, who announces she's going to impersonate famous Jamaican TV psychic Miss Cleo, but then immediately launches into an impression of a drunken Irish barmaid.

It is, objectively, the worst Jamaican accent since this:


This is Oscar worthy by comparison, actually.

Moving on to Kennedy who starts showing off her "church lady" outfit and twin baby props.

"Oh oh oh I know, you're a Housewife of Atlanta - you're Phaedra Parks!" shrieks RuPaul.

"PHAEDRA PARKS!" gasps Kennedy.

"Ha ha ha I know who that is I know what's going on why am I here again?"

Also in this segment:

Chi Chi fine tunes her Commedia Dell'arte skills:

She's also available for children's parties.

Kennedy picks up a Red Bull sponsorship:

When you haven't got any tea to sip but you still want to make a point.

And Marc Jacobs makes a quiet escape by taking a boxcutter to the fabric walls, slipping out into sweet, sweet freedom and vowing never to return.

And with that...

IT'S SNATCH GAME TIME!

  • Trixie's RuPaul looks more like Milk as Trixie as Anna Nicole Smith:

But damn if her underarms aren't silky smooth. What is this voodoo and how do I do it myself?

  • Kennedy's Phaedra Parks would probably be more impressive to me if I knew who Phaedra Parks was:
I mean, sure.


  • Likewise Shangela's Jennifer Lewis: 

Buh.


  • And Aja's Crystal LaBeija, who I'd never heard of until I Googled her just then and yeah, you know what, well done Aja.

This is a solid snatch.

  • But let's all just stop this charade now and put a crown on it, shall we?

Bloody perfect.

  • Meanwhile:
"Shit, we'll all be out of a job if this bitch isn't stopped soon, better keep smiling and waving..."

  • Chi Chi's impression of one of America's greatest wordsmiths goes really well until she misspells her own name on her placard.

Well it was a worth a shot.

  • Bebe looks totally incredible as Grace Jones, even if she has only taken what she wears in her confessionals and added some sunglasses and shoulder pads.

    Sadly the act doesn't really live up to the look, as she confuses "Grace Jones" with "that character from 1990s Eddie Murphy film Boomerang" and just starts yelling about her pussy in a strange accent (which is coincidentally what Michelle Visage does every Tuesday night in her meditation sessions).

Wow, Whoopi Goldberg has really changed direction since she joined The View.


  • "YOUR MISS JONES WAS NOT GRACEFUL!" interrupts Trixie from the back in a stunning display of bad comedic timing.
  • Meanwhile, watching at home:
"See, I told you it wasn't my fault."



  • RuPaul asks Chi Chi why the caged bird sings.

    "The caged bird sings darling, because..." she begins.

    Approximately ten minutes passes by.

    A tumbleweed rolls through the studio.

    Day turns into night, then day again.

    Babies are born, elders die, their bodies turn to dust.

    Entire histoy books are written and re-written.

    "I don't know why the caged bird sings," Chi Chi concludes.

Such a powerful book.

  • "I'M GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE," Shangela yells.

    "I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT MENOPAUSE THOUGH, AIN'T NO MEN UP IN HERE."

    Meanwhile, in the back row:


"Shit, wish I'd thought of that."
  • Next question: "My new cookbook contains a recipe for spaghetti and BLANK balls," says RuPaul.

Not Grace Jones, not funny, doesn't make sense. That outfit though, right?

  • "My balls are tucked so tight I blacked out, fell down, just woke up a second ago and wrote 'now available on iTunes'," says Trixie Mattel.

Oh look what's come back to visit.

  • Kristin Chenoweth (yeah, she's there or some reason - maybe she came in with Marc Jacobs and is still looking for him) says to Trixie: "RuPaul, I've been meaning to congratulate you on your new Hollywood star of fame!"

    To which Trixie repies "Thank you my dear, as they say in the industry: 'winner, winner, chicken dinner'!"

Looks like it's sticking around for a while.

  • Thankfully some actual comedy arrives in the form of BenDeLaCreme who answers RuPaul's balls question with "I just wrote the balls I find the most delicious - 'anonymous'."

    Spying another opportunity to show off her total lack of comedic timing, Trixie declares "YOUR ANSWER WAS AN ANONY-MISS!"

Can somebody get that tumbleweed a room for the night please?

  • "Y'all told her it was funny on the internet. I blame y'all," says Shangela.

I can't help but feel responsible.

  • Not that Michelle Visage is doing any better as a contestant. When RuPaul says "Ricky Martin is so hot, BLANK melts in his mouth and his hand", she answers "flan".
  • "The winner of today's Snatch Game is the Amish, because they don't have televisions," announces RuPaul, and it's honestly never been more true.

Doobly doo wavy lines and doobly doo and more wavy lines and would you look at that?

IT'S RUNWAY TIME!

  • Having already lost Mood Fabrics as an advertiser, RuPaul appeals to new sponsor RoundUp by coming dressed as a woman being slowly strangled by weeds:
A quick once-over with her whacker and she'll be good as new.

  • Also attempting a botanical theme, Michelle Visage has come as... Michelle Visage. But with flowers.
She's a noxious weed.

  • What follows is the fastest runway parade in Drag Race history, with each queen given approximately two and a half seconds of airtime to show off their best "flower power" extravaganza. This is fantastic in terms of getting this damn episode finished, and not so fantastic in terms of actually seeing what people are wearing.

    But anyway, in a flash:
  • Aja covers herself in daisies:

Marc Jacobs would be especially impressed, if he weren't already in an Uber 20 miles away.


  • Shangela doubles down on her Snatch Game glory by coming as Beyonce's pregnancy announcement.

Epic.


  • Meanwhile, backstage, you can just hear Trixie faintly saying "But *I'm* the Beyonce of drag..."
  • Bebe comes out looking totally gorgeous, manages to make it boring.

It's a sad rule of Drag Race that if you always look perfect and glamorous the audience forgets you exist.


  • Kennedy looks like the poster for horror film Not Always Sunny in which the residents of a small rural town are attacked by alien sunflowers:
It's like an Anne Geddes baby grew up to be a high class hooker.

  • Chi Chi looks bloody gorgeous, there's not much more to say:

The sheer chest covering says "take me home" while the lilies say "take me to visit your grandma's grave".


  • Trixie looks like she's just taken her "ugliest dress in the world" redux from week two and thrown some fake roses on it.

It's like she got caught in a Snapchat filter and can't get out.


  • And finally here's BenDeLaCreme looking rather upsettingly like a mouldy vagina.

Not sure that's the look she was going for, tbh.


  • Kristin Chenoweth tells Aja she loves her outfit and wants to meet her in a back alley somewhere. This is the first time Aja has had a proposal like this without it being accompanied by a dick pic, so congratulations Aja.
  • Another guest judge whose name I've forgotten but who is annoyingly described as a "Drag Race Superfan" tells Bebe she looks like a "fudgesicle dipped in flowers". I don't know what this means.

But I think maybe this?


  • Carson tells Kennedy she needs to "up the sophistication level" of her outfit.

    This from the man who literally wore a test pattern earlier in the episode.
Just a reminder.



  • Carson tells Chi Chi she should have done a "later years Maya Angelou - a little more fuller figured". Sure Carson, THAT was the problem.
  • Michelle delivers the diss on Trixie's RuPaul act, Trixie cries, and a whole new crop of daisies bursts into bloom on her face.

In order not to break with tradition BenDeLaCreme is declared the winner for the fourth time a row, and Chi Chi is sent to the bottom. Hey, if it ain't broke, right?

Shangela is also declared a winner, so she and DeLa both take home a glittering prize pack containing a box of Cadbury's Favourites with all the Cherry Ripes removed, a Happy Wash voucher (expiry March 2018) and a trophy (it reads "Most Improved 1997" but if you turn it round you can't tell).

Joining Chi Chi in the bottom are Trixie and Kennedy - but who will Shangela and Ben choose to send home?

"I'm trying to work out is Trixie Jon Snow or is she Cersei Lannister?" says Shangela as everyone collectively around the world yells:

"OH MY GOD WE GET IT!"

But enough of all that. It's time for the lip sync!

Both DeLa and Shangela have opted for quirky 1950s looks for tonight's performance of Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl", with Ben in a flirty pink mini and Shangela in polka dots and an updo.

Shangela has also once again opted what she appears to think is the internationally recognised symbol of female sexual curiosity: glasses.

As DeLa stalks Shangela hungrily around the stage looking for opportunities to pash her on the chorus, it seems fairly obvious there's some sort of lesbian-esque denouement on the horizon, an eventuality which seems to get even more likely when Shangy rips off her dress to reveal a black, beaded bikini and suspenders.

It's more like a National Geographic documentary than a lip sync at this point.

It's at about this point that I have the sudden realisation that "the taste of her cherry Chapstick" is a lyric I have been misunderstanding for 10 whole years.

They're educators, these girls.

The whole thing finishes with Shangela throwing breathmints at DeLa, and both of them ending up writhing on the floor together. Basically this should be the new official video clip for that song - Katy Perry, sort it out.

But there can only be one winner - and this week it's Shangela.

Oh and also BenDeLaCreme - because as it turns out this week there are two winners.

Psych!

"You've each won the power to send one of the bottom queens home," announces RuPaul.

OHHHHHHHHHH

WHATTTTTTTT

THIS IS TOO MUCH BUT I LIKE IT.

"There's three of us up for elimination and two lipsticks - this is bad," says Trixie.

So at least if she gets kicked out she can probably go teach advanced mathematics or something.

With Trixie, Kennedy and Chi Chi lined up and ready to accept their fate, the lipsticks are drawn and...

SNAKE EYES.

"Well I'm sad to go," says Chi Chi, beaming like she's just won the lottery and dancing out the door.

But as we know by now, it's not over until the fat lady sings...

Or until the two hoes in red come to grab you.

See you next time!

Want more? Go back and READ EPISODE THREE again maybe?



12 comments :

  1. Hilarious. Awesome on the quick turnaround.

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  2. Did you drink a lot of coffee this weekend? Thanks for this!

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  3. I laughed so hard at Chichi dancing out the door!

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  4. Once again, HILARIOUS, however I'm really worried about your thoughts on Bebe. I LOVE the bitch so much and I am so glad she is back on Drag Race; now all the children can see who the OG winner is (although she really needs to start stepping it up immediately). But I am very concerned. because the vibe that I'm getting from you is that you don't seem to care for her. At all. Even in Season 1. Please tell me that I am wrong and that you only talk shit about her because of comedy. PLEASE!!

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    1. Bebe is very much style over substance. Even then I sometimes wonder about the style... and the substance.

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  5. Are we getting more AS3 recaps? I'm hoping to at least read your commentary on ep 6. ;)

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  6. you should post the news episode blogs! I LIVE FOR THESE SO MUCH!!!!

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  7. Please don't let these all star recaps turn in to season 9 incomplete ones!

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  8. are you watching season 10? it's turning out amazing and i'm so living for the new queens! i love your recaps and i'd love to hear your thoughts (and jokes) about it

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  9. Please don't let these all star recaps turn in to season 9 incomplete ones! Full Episode

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  10. I tweeted for you to continue these recaps. Cmon petra! we're hungry for your wittiness and excellent commentary!!

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